chapter seventy-three
feelings
[shawn mendes]
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4 weeks later
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"oh come on ave, please?" i beg my one month old, as she lets out a cry at 4am, not drinking the milk from the bottle. "baby girl, i know you're hungry, so eat." i sigh again, holding up the bottle to her lips. "avery sierra mendes, please drink your milk?"

she misses her mother. and so do i.

ever since avery was born, anya's not exactly been the same. a couple days after we got home, she started not sleeping properly. at first she would be awake for three hours in the middle of the night, and that developed into four, and now five. then, she started getting irritable, very easily. i would simply bring her a mug of tea and she would snap at me. avery would cry, and she would get annoyed almost immediately. about a week ago, the low self esteem started, triggering a loss of appetite in her.

not only have i practically lost anya, i've lost the second parent to avery.

i had to start avery on formula milk a day ago, when anya refused to milk any breast milk for her. i don't know what's going on at all; i just want to help her.

"thanks gorgeous." i coo, as soon as avery latches onto the mouth of the bottle, hungrily suckling on the milk bottle. i admire her rosy pink cheeks, smiling softly as she gazed up at me, her exact colour copy eyes like mine boring into my eyes, a small sparkle running across them. "you're so precious ave, i just wish your mother would be able to experience this."

after a few moments, avery finishes the bottle, and i sigh quietly, placing the bottle down next to the nursing chair, and holding avery properly, as she begins to doze off again. i carefully stand up, placing avery back into her cot, turning off the small lamp on the table, and walking out of the nursery room, heading back into anya and i's room.

"shawn? is that you?" anya asks quietly, as i see she's still awake.

"go back to sleep." i say tiredly, getting back under the covers.

"c-can we talk?" she asks softly, turning on her back.

"so you finally decide to talk to me normally?" i ask sarcastically. "anya just go to sleep, we'll talk about this in the morning."

"but i can't sleep." she whispers, thinking i wouldn't hear her. i sigh quietly, standing back up from the bed, and turning the lights on. "w-where are you going?" she asks me, as i pull my suitcase out from under my bed.

"my parents' place." i answer simply. "once you actually want to start being a mother to avery, call me." i open our closet, pulling out random things as i begin to pack. "oh, and i'm taking avery with me."

"but shawn-"

"i don't want any buts anya." i say firmly. "you've completely disregarded not only your husband, but your daughter too. do you seriously expect me to actually still stick up for you?" i turn to her as she looks down at her lap. "don't bother calling me until you actually are ready to be a mother again."

i finish packing up my things, before i head back into the nursery, carefully navigating my way around, whilst picking up the necessities for avery; clothes, diapers, blankets, bathing supplies, creams, bottles, toys, and the list goes on. i look around for her carrier and moses basket, realising both of them are downstairs. after quickly packing up avery's things, i head downstairs, placing the suitcase by the door, before grabbing the moses basket and the carrier, placing them next to the suitcase.

before i collect avery, i pack up my car, pushing the suitcases and other supplies next to the buggy. once i'm certain i have everything, i head back into the house and upstairs, picking up avery from her cot, taking her favourite blanket which she was wrapped up in.

"shh, love," i whisper, as avery begins to rush about in my arms. "we're gonna go see grandma and grandpa, and maybe aaliyah and lucas if they're there." i say in a small voice, my eyes filling with tears as i notice the framed photo of anya, avery and i in the hospital on the first day she was born.

what happened?
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"shawn? what the heck are you doing here with avery at 5am?" my mum asks tiredly, as she notices a sleeping avery in her carrier.

"can we stay for a few days?" i ask softly, as my mum notices a tear rushing down the side of my cheek. she nods, reaching for avery.

"get your things, i'll lay her down in your old room." i thank my mum quickly, before grabbing the suitcases and taking them into the house, shutting the door behind me.

"shawn? what the heck?" aaliyah asks me, rushing down the stairs, lucas trailing behind her. "where's anya?"

"at home." i answer, flopping down on the couch.

"what? why?" she asks me again, sitting down next to me and grabbing onto my hand. "shawn, don't cry." i wipe my eyes quickly, stopping myself from crying,

"i-i really don't know what happened." i say softly, as my mum enters the room, sitting on my other side. "she's not the same anymore."

"anya? the same anya rose who's your wife?" my mum asks confused. "she's anya! what can be wrong with her?"

"she's not sleeping, or eating. she refused to provide milk to avery. she's got low self esteem, and she is so damn irritable. i made her dinner last night, you know, because she's not eating, and she snapped at me, then just now she wanted to talk. everything i've done for her, she's just snapped at me, everything i've given her, she's thrown back at me, heck i don't even think she's an actual mother right now. just last week she asked me what the meaning of life is, she's confusing the hell out of me." i get out in one breath.

"that doesn't sound like anya at all." aaliyah says confused. "how long has this been happening for?"

"four weeks or so i guess." i shrug. "that's why it's confusing me, because i know anya's not like that, but it's almost like she's not even there. i've basically been a single parent, i think the last time she held avery was three weeks ago."

"really?" my mum asks me softly, as i nod, sighing.

"mum, i'm really tired, i'm sorry." i say quietly. "i'm gonna head up to sleep, goodnight." i rise up from the couch, taking the familiar walk back into my old bedroom, seeing it pushed against the wall, avery resting on the inside half, pillows around her small body. i get into bed next to her, looking at her sleeping figure, bringing my fingers up to her hand. "i'm so sorry, ave."

"knock knock," i hear at my door, as i turn, seeing aaliyah standing there, holding two glasses of water. i smile sadly, sitting up and taking the water from her, as she sits down next to me.

"what do i do, aaliyah?" i ask her helplessly.

"you talk to her. obviously something has happened, because she doesn't sound like the anya we all know and love." she says softly to me. "maybe something is going on with her, so give her some privacy to sort her own things out."

"i'm really worried, liyah." i murmur. "everything really is worrying me, avery doesn't deserve this."

"you're a great father, shawn." she says. i smile sadly again, before leaning forward and embracing her in a hug, kissing her cheek lightly. "and i'm sure that anya will come back to you and ave."

"i-i did the right thing, right? leaving her for a while?" i ask, looking down at avery, her face reminding me of the baby pictures i've seen of anya.

"i personally think you didn't, but if you feel okay about it, then i think it's okay." she says to me, letting go of our hug. "just be smart about it."
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"avery sierra, what are you giggling at?" i ask, a smile on my face as i crouch down next to the couch, tickling her cheek with my fingers. "come on ave, you can tell me, i'll keep a secret." she lets out a small giggle, a toothless smile stretching across her face. i grin, taking my phone out of my pocket and quickly snapping a picture, sliding it back into my pocket, and lifting avery up, cradling her in my arms, supporting her head with my hand. i've been staying at my parents' place for a few days now.

"shawn, i think i know what is wrong with anya." my mum says, walking into the room with her laptop. "i was looking up symptoms, and it came up with something-" the doorbell cuts her off as she lets out a small sigh. "she might have postnatal depression." she puts her laptop down and rushes to answer the door. i scrunch my face up in confusion, speeding after her.

"mum, mum, what do you mean?" i say, a frown being etched on my lips. "she's unwell?"

"i don't know exactly, but read up about it." she responds, pulling open the door, revealing anya standing there, wrapped up in one of my hoodies. "anya dear, what are you doing here?"

"mum, take ave for a second," i say carefully, handing avery to my mum, as she nods, walking away. anya looks up at me, shaking her head lightly, as the tears build up in her eyes.

"oh darling," i whisper, rushing forward and bringing her into my arms as she begins to cry loudly into my chest. "shh, anya, please don't cry." i run my hands over her arms, holding her tightly.

"i-i'm so sorry, i-i don't know what's wrong with me." she cries, her shoulders shaking, as she clutches onto me tighter.

"no, i'm sorry, i haven't been your husband though this, i haven't supported you." i tell her, shutting the front door and leading her into the house. "come on, let's go upstairs." she nods against my chest, pulling away and following me up the steps into my old room.

she follows me onto my bed, where i carefully wrap my arms around her, pulling her to my chest once more, as she quietly sniffles, still in tears.

"i don't know why i've been feeling like this." she says quietly. "i just feel as though everything is so bad right now, i don't even know what to do." i stay quiet, listening to her. "i haven't been feeling right i guess. i-i know it's bad of me to be doing this, but i just can't help it. my confidence is so low, and i just know that i'm a bad mother."

"you aren't, hun." i say quietly. "my mum was saying she thinks she knows what you're going through. postnatal depression?" i ask her, as she tucks her head further into my chest.

"jasmine was saying that." she mumbles, as i sigh softly, turning on my side so i'm facing her, my arms still held around her. "what do i do, shawn?"

"we'll get through this, baby, together." she looks down, as i sigh once more, cupping her cheek. "we'll go home now, and we'll do things with ave together. i'm gonna get you back into things again, i promise."

"how is she? avery?" she asks me quietly, looking up.

"she misses her mom." i whisper, as anya frowns. "hold on, mum!" i yell, trying to gain my mothers attention.

"yeah shawn?" my mum yells back.

"can you bring avery up please?" i shout back. my door opens and my mum walks in, avery in her arms. "oh, you were upstairs."

"yeah i was, what is it? is everything okay?" she asks, concern running across her face.

"it will be, can we have ave now? thanks for looking after her mum." she rushes forward, handing me avery gently, as i hold her close, before placing her gently in between anya and i.

somehow, i guess avery senses anya, and her eyes open, looking around for her mother. as soon as her eyes land on anya, a smile stretches across her face.

"i told you." i whisper, as soon as my mum leaves the room. "she missed you."

"i-i-" she stutters, her eyes filling with tears once again. "i need help shawn." she bites her lower lip as she sits up, looking straight down at avery. "i can't do this."

"yes you can, anya rose." i remind her, sitting up also, picking up avery too. anya looks at me with her chestnut brown eyes, tear filled and upset. "come on, hold her." i say softly, as anya flinches away, standing up from my bed.

"i-i can't," she mumbles again, shaking her head.

"anya, come on, please?" she lets out a small sigh, sitting back down on the bed, as i shuffle next to her, slowly placing our child in her arms.

"oh n-no shawn, take her away p-please," she says immediately, her arms beginning to shake.

"darling," i say softly, placing my hand on her thigh. "everything's okay, you've got this." i remind her, squeezing her thigh gently. "breathe, anya." anya nods, taking a small breath, steadying herself; her shakes slowly coming to a stop.

"h-how could i do this?" she stutters, looking up at me. "she's an angel, how could i forget about her?" i take my hand off her thigh, instead wrapping my arm around her waist, leaning down and pressing my lips firmly to her temple.

"we'll get through this, i promise."
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i smell some mf bops coming our way

(brb mentally preparing myself for people to attack hailey lol gtg bye)