chapter nine
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
-
quickly, i help myself to enough breakfast to feed shawn and i, before putting the plate on a tray and making two teas along with that. i place the mugs on the tray, before picking it up slowly, and making my way out of the kitchen.

"breakfast in bed, shawns shirt, messy hair," jasmine gasps, as i pass her. "you two just had sex!"

"shut up!" i slap her arm, as she bursts out in a fit of laughter. "it just happened." i shrug, lying.

"bullshit, you probably said something like, 'oh shawn, fuck me so i can see who's dick is better'." she laughs, as i roll my eyes.

"no, actually," i say, chuckling with her. "i think we both needed it in a way, i don't know, it's complicated." i sigh. "and we weren't fucking, i asked him to make love to me."

"if you say so." she shrugs. "hey, we're going to the mall later, just to see if there are any sales still going on. it doesn't open till two, so we'll head out for opening time. do you want to come with us?"

"by us, who do you mean?" i question.

"nate, poppy, sophie, brooklyn, peter, kelsey, jason, willow, and i. you and shawn can come if you want." she says. i shrug, nodding. "alright, meet down here at 1:30 then, we'll have to share cars though."

"that's fine with me, hey who's looking after matt?" i ask, knowing that kelsey and peter are coming with us.

"the grandparents. aunt josie is." jasmine says, as i nod. "have fun with the after sex breakfast!"

"bye jasmine!" i say, before walking up the steps, back into my room. i see shawn lying down with just a pair of tracksuits on, scrolling through his phone, a hand behind his head as he sits up.

"we're going shopping later, is that okay?" i say, placing the tray down onto my bed, crawling up next to shawn.

"well, it's only 9 now, can i sleep before we go?" shawn asks quietly.

"you don't have to come if you're tired." i remind him, running my hand through his curls.

"i want to, what time are we leaving?"

"1:30, sleep after you've eaten and i'll wake you up at 1, yeah?" he nods, sitting up, leaning his back on the headboard of my bed. "anyway, i piled a lot of pancakes and syrup onto this plate so should we just share?" shawn laughs, looking at the large stack of pancakes in front of us.

"hunny, i don't think we'll be able to finish this." he laughs, picking up a fork.

"oh well, eat as much as you can." we both share a quiet laugh, before eating in a comfortable silence.

is this what we needed to save our relationship? having sex? i mean, i understand we haven't really been intimate since my incident, but does that really save a relationship? right now i can only think about shawn, but dan still plays in the back of my mind.

"what you thinking about, love?" shawn asks, picking up his mug of tea.

"nothing, i'm just content." i lie, sending him a small smile. he leans over, pressing his lips to my forehead, before sipping on his tea, obviously getting burnt by the hot liquid. "you idiot." i laugh, as shawn holds his tongue out, the surface of it bright red.

"i'm sorry!" i laugh, as he tries to speak but it comes out more like a "m flory!".

"have you eaten enough?" i ask shawn, as he puts his tea down to the bedside table.

"yeah, i'm full." he sighs, leaning back on my headboard. we finish our teas, chatting about random things, before shawn decides to finally get some sleep. "wake me up in a bit, yeah?"

"of course. i'll be downstairs if you need anything, okay? well until i get changed i'll be downstairs." he nods, snuggling closer to the duvets. "have a good sleep."

"i will." he mumbles, shutting his eyes. i smile softly, before leaning down and pressing my lips to his cheek, making him smile slightly. i chuckle to myself, before pulling away, taking our breakfast things, and making my way back downstairs, shutting my bedroom door softly behind me.

quickly getting to the kitchen, i wash up our plates and mugs, before placing them onto the draining rack, as i turn around, seeing tommy playing with a wooden toy.

"hey tommy." i say, as he tilts his head up, smiling at me.

"hey anya." he says. "where's shawn?"

"he's asleep, tommy, he didn't get any last night." i say. "sorry if you wanted to play."

"that's okay, he looked sleepy this morning." tommy shrugs. "he looked upset."

"i know tommy." i mumble, filling up a glass with water and sitting opposite him on a bar stool. "if something happens between shawn and i, i want you to know that he loves you so much, and if you ever want to see him or talk to him, i'll get you there."

"okay." he shrugs. " i don't like daniel."

"i know you don't." he nods, jumping off of the stool, walking away, carrying the toy in his small hands. sighing, i place my head in my hands, rubbing my temples. how can tommy, a four year old, understand our feelings and take shawn's side? i don't care if he's taking sides, i just want to understand why tommy's upset with me.

i stand up from the bar, taking my glass of water with me back into the conservatory, shutting the door behind me and sitting on one of the sofas, pulling my knees to my chest.

shawn or dan?

daniel was my first ever love, and i'm still certain there are feelings still left for him. but shawn, shawn is my love. i can't break his heart, but i know i've already broken it. my mind wanders to if i never broke up with dan. would we still be together? would we be battling long distance? would we be living together? would my life be different? yes.

shawns brought me into so many different situations; some i regret, some i wish i could do again. he brings out a side to me which i didn't even realise actually existed.

but dan, our relationship was so free, and didn't have the subtle stress shawn and i's relationship brings to me. we only ended it because of college, we both had different aspirations, and things weren't going right, but that could've just been a rough patch.

"you alright, kiddo?" jason says, entering the conservatory. "woah, anya, don't cry." it's only then i notice the tears sliding down my cheeks.

"oh, i didn't even notice." i chuckle sadly, wiping away my tears. jason comes to sit next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. "tommy really hates me." i mumble, sniffling softly.

"no he doesn't, what are you on about?" jason says, rubbing my shoulder.

"because i'm breaking shawns heart, he hates me for that, and how i'm considering even being with dan." i whisper, leaning onto his side, looking at the scenery outside. "jason, everything's just getting to me lately and i can't help being exhausted."

"you're not okay, are you?" i shake my head, as jason sighs, holding me tighter.

"i keep putting on this face- it's just not working anymore, i can't even cope." i manage to get out. "i need a break."

"it's okay to crumble, you know that right?" jason tells me softly, as i sigh, nodding. "go get changed now, it's 1."

"already?" i ask, confused. jason chuckles softly, nodding. "alright, i'll see you in a minute." we both stand up, as i quickly embrace my cousin, whispering a quick thank you to him.

skipping away from the room, trying to avoid any conversation, i quickly rush up the staircase, heading into my room, seeing shawn fast asleep, cuddling a pillow.

"shawn," i mumble softly, sitting next to him, and bringing my hand up to his shoulder, shaking him gently. "shawn, wake up."

"hmm?" he hums, his eyes fluttering open. i chuckle softly, a smile lining my lips. "oh, hi hunny."

"are you sure you're okay to come out today?" he nods at me, rubbing his eyes. "shawn, sleep if you want to."

"i'm fine, anya." he chuckles, sitting up. "are you okay?" he asks, noticing my appearance.

"i-i'm fine." i weakly smile, as shawn cups my cheek, rubbing his thumb against it gently. "i'm gonna shower quickly."

"save water and shower together?" shawn says, a cheeky smirk lining his lips. i roll my eyes, nodding, as i stroll into the bathroom, immediately running the hot water for the shower. shawn walks in after me, linking his arms around my waist, and leaning to the side, pecking my cheek. "i know you're not okay, but i'm not gonna beg you to tell me what's wrong, so, i'm just gonna hug you and hope that helps."

"it does." i mumble back, feeling a warmth spread throughout my body. "come on, let's shower quickly."
-
after shawn and i finish changing and getting ready, we join the rest of my cousins downstairs, as we quickly decide who's driving with who.

"we can go with shawn and anya." jasmine shrugs. "that way you guys can take the seven seater and get all of you in one car." she explains to the rest of the couples.

"that sounds okay." peter nods, as i pull on a jacket over my outfit.

"i'll drive us." i decide, looking at shawn, jasmine and nate. "come on, let's go." we head outside and immediately into my car, where i turn up the heating so the cold car can warm up.

"fuck, we need to clean the car of snow." i groan, opening the boot of my car and getting out a snow scraper. i walk to the front, cleaning away the snow and frost on the windscreen, before putting the scraper back into the boot and getting into the drivers seat.

"i guess we should get lunch as soon as we get there." nate mentions, as i pull out of the driveway, beginning the short drive to the mall.

"sounds good." shawn says, shrugging. "are we going to the mall that you took me to once when we were here?" shawn asks me.

"yeah, that's the only one we like." i laugh, turning up the radio slightly. shawn takes out his phone, and begins to laugh at a text he got. "what happened?" i ask him, turning into the mall car park.

"john texted, he was asking about the gift you got me." he chuckles, typing a few things back. "did you seriously ship him a guitar?"

"how else was i supposed to get him to sign it when i was with you twenty four-seven?" i laugh, parking the car and bringing it to a stop. "tell him i say hi."

"already did." shawn chuckles. "he's got a show coming up in new york soon, do you want to go?"

"when?" i ask, as shawn looks at his phone again, shrugging.

"he hasn't confirmed the dates with me, but when he does i'll definitely ask for tickets." i smile at him, knowing he still wants to remain friends, even if we break up for good. i turn off my car, unlocking all the doors as everyone clambers out quickly. i sling my bag over my arm, joining shawn, as we quickly link hands together.

maybe, just maybe, my hearts moving closer to shawn.
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the vmas this year were cancelled lmao how the fuck did down win? (i ranted on my profile, give that a read if you want)

buT SHAWNS PERFORMANCE LAST NIGHT WOW I WAS BLOWN AWAY, HE WAS INSANE!! even though he did look kind of upset because i think he didn't hit the high note that he wanted to and put it at the end instead (??), he still freaking killed it out there, and i think eds face really described that haha