chapter four
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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"shawn! can i get a picture?" a teenage girl yells, skating towards the two of us. shawn nods, letting go of my hand before posing with the girl and taking a picture. "have a great time here, you two, merry christmas for tomorrow!" she cheers, before skating off back to the group she was with. shawn skates back, holding onto my hand again, as we skate around the rink.

i feel so bad. i can't believe he knew about it, how did he even know about it? am i that easy to read? our breakfast was awkward, he could feel it too. we didn't talk much, only the odd word about the food and the coffee, even though shawn reassured me it's okay. i don't believe him at all.

"should we go? it's getting close to 11:30." shawn tells me, as we come closer to one of the gates on the rink.

"yeah, i suppose we should be." we both skate towards the gate, shawn holding my balance as i step over the small barrier and walking through the gate, standing on my skates on the outside. shawn follows, shutting the gate behind him, before placing his hand on my lower back as we find a place to sit to take off our skates and collect our normal shoes.

"here," shawn hands me my shoes, and takes my skates away, going to hand them back in to the rental stand. i quickly pull my boots on, standing up and walking back to shawn who's talking to the man running the rental stand. "ready, babe?"

"mhm." i nod, looking away.

"it was nice to meet you, man, say hi to your daughter from me." shawn tells the man, with a smile, before the two of us walk away, out of the rink and back into the car park. "that was fun, it's a nice rink you've got here." shawn says softly, as the two of us get back into the car, me in the drivers seat this time.

"yeah, poppy and i were the only keen skaters in the family so we used to come here every weekend, even in summer." i smile at the memory, before starting the car up and pulling out of the car park, beginning the short drive back home.

"did you compete or anything?" he asks me, as i turn onto the main road.

"no, it was only for fun." i shrug, speeding up slightly. "although, poppy was considering joining a figure skating company. she decided not to in the end, she preferred volleyball by far."

"you did tennis, right?" shawn asks, as i nod. "and swimming?"

"swimming was more for fun too, but i still competed." i say, driving into the gated community of our family house.

"ah." shawn nods, as i park into the driveway, turning the car off. "i'm gonna shower as soon as we get in, yeah?"

"that's fine, i'll be downstairs then." i say softly, walking up to the front door of the house, shawn by my side. i raise my hand to open the door with my keys, but shawn quickly puts his hand over mine, pushing it down.

"wait." he sighs, as i turn to him. "hunny, i'm not annoyed with you, can we please not be awkward with each other? i get how you're trying to sort out your feelings but can we please not be awkward?"

"yeah." i nod, as shawn let's out a long breath, leaning down and lightly pecking my cheek.

"i love you." he says, almost in a firm tone, grasping onto my hands. "i just want you to know that." i nod, cupping his cheek gently, making him flinch slightly.

"i lo-"

"don't say it back." he warns. "i don't want you saying it if you're not certain on just me, yeah?" i nod again, as he sighs, holding onto my hand tightly. "but i love you, endlessly."

"is that your new thing?" i ask, a small smile on my lips. "endlessly?"

"i'm a romantic, shut up." he laughs softly, and just that one laugh is like music to my ears. "okay open the door, it's kind of cold out here."

"you're canadian." i mention, unlocking the door, as he quickly rushes in before me.

"i'm only wearing a t-shirt and a jacket." he points out, as i close the door, taking off my coat. "you however, are wearing a jumper and a jacket, so you're warmer."

"go shower, pretty boy." i say, as he chuckles once more, placing his lips on mine briefly, before rushing up the marble staircase into my room.

"anya! anya! anya!" tommy rushes up to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the main dining room. "you can't go in the kitchen!"

"what? why?" i ask him, crouching down to his level.

"danny's there! last time he was in the kitchen you cried." he says sadly. my eyes immediately go wide and i curse mentally, sighing.

"daniel's here? why?" and to think my feelings couldn't get any more confusing. "oh wait, they come over every christmas."

"and susie's there too!" he blushes, almost going embarrassed.

"has someone got a crush?" i smirk, ticking his sides. "talk to her, tommy!"

"shawn said that but i'm scared." he mumbles, siting down on the floor. "where's shawn?"

"he's showering, he'll be down in a minute to play." i say, standing up, holding my hand out. "let's go to the kitchen, come on."

"but you'll cry." he points out sadly.

"no i won't, plus shawn'll be down soon, so i'll be fine." he nods at me, clutching onto my hand as the two of us walk into the kitchen, the aromas of food immediately hitting my nose, after noticing dan, his sister susie, and his younger brother, harry, along with his parents.

"oh anya! look how much you've grown!" daniel's mother, katie squeals, embracing me into a hug. "i haven't seen you for a year! how's new york?"

"i'm completing my degree online, so i'm not living there anymore. i switch my time between toronto, the hamptons and travelling." i explain. "but new york was great, just exceptionally busy." i laugh, as she grins at me, holding onto my hands.

"you look fairly tanned for winter, have you been somewhere hot?" she asks, with a small chuckle.

"i actually got back from asia last week." i explain. "my boy-" i cut myself off, clearing my throat. "my boyfriend travels for his career, and performs in different places, so i go with him and his team."

"she actually got a job to be his fake girlfriend last year." my mom butts in, with a small laugh. "they were engaged and everything." my cheeks heat up, as i slowly glare at my mother.

"engaged? did you break up?" katie queries, shock all over her face.

"they've broken up loads of times." peter laughs, holding matt in his arms, kelsey playing with him. "so far, they haven't broken up in the past four months, let's hope it lasts."

"peter!" i groan, placing my hand on my forehead. "he'll be down in a minute i'm sure, we just got back from ice skating."

"what's his name?" harry asks me, as i go over to hug him hello.

"shawn, shawn mendes." i answer, as katie's eyes go wide.

"you're dating a celebrity?" i blush softly, nodding, a small smile on my lips. "my, my, how did we not know?"

"dan did." kelsey says, shrugging.

"yeah, i saw them in auckland, mom." daniel says to his mother. "hey anya." he smiles gently at me, as i smile back.

"hey." i say, as he hugs me, his warmth enveloping my slightly cold body. almost immediately, i feel my cheeks heat up, and butterflies erupt in my stomach. it feels like i'm hugging shawn, how can i like both of them?

"don't touch her!" tommy yells, running to my side and pulling on the lower hem of my jumper.

"woah, tommy, it's okay." i laugh, picking him up and holding him on my waist.

"i prefer shawn." he whispers in my ear, as i sigh, holding him close to me. "i know you like dan."

"tommy..." i sigh softly, walking with him into the main corridor again, seeing shawn walking down the steps, freshly showered. "shawn, come here." i say softly, holding tommy on my hip so he's facing the two of us.

"hey buddy." shawn says to tommy, holding his hand out for a high five. tommy smiles widely, hitting shawns hand with his own, making me laugh softly. "what's up?"

"tommy, i know you love shawn and i together, and i do too, but sometimes love works in weird ways, and right now," i sigh, composing myself. "i'm having a hard time figuring things out."

"but why?" tommy complains, as shawn takes him from my arms, sitting down on the steps with him.

"i love anya, and i know she loves me, but we haven't been so good lately, and she might be thinking other things." shawn explains, looking up at me. "i support her 100%, and if it's not me, it isn't me, and i respect her for that." i look at shawn, feeling my heart swell and nerves envelope my body, as i sigh softly. "sometimes things don't work out, and that could be happening to us right now, but i want you to know that we still are really close, and if things do happen, we will still be really close friends."

"did you love someone before anya?" tommy asks, climbing onto shawns lap.

"i did, the same way anya loved someone before she loved me." shawn explains.

"if you two break up will i ever see you?" tommy asks shawn, looking up at him with teary eyes.

"of course, i'll come down here and visit you, i'll do shows in the hamptons just for you." shawn says, wiping away tommy's tears with the pads of his thumbs. "don't cry buddy." shawn wraps his arms around tommy, looking up at me, as i sigh, biting my lower lip, stopping myself from getting emotional. "now why don't you go get a game for the three of us to play, yeah?"

"invite susie to play." i tell tommy, a small smirk on my lips, as i sit down next to him and shawn, placing my chin on shawns shoulder.

"o-okay." he says embarrassed, smiling, before crawling out of shawns grasp and walking away into the kitchen.

"is dan here? is that why he was upset?" shawn asks me softly, as i sigh, nodding against his shoulder. "did you feel anything?" i bite my lip, pushing my eyes onto his shoulder, sighing. "hey, it's okay, don't be upset."

"i don't like hurting you." i mumble to him, as he sighs, wrapping an arm around me, holding me to his side.

"you're just proving you're a normal person, baby, there's nothing wrong with that." he rubs my arm softly, pulling my head away from his shoulder, making me look at him. "talk to him today, spend some time with him instead." he mumbles.

"i want to talk to you, i want to make things right between us." i sigh, shutting my eyes.

"come here," he stands up, holding onto my hand and dragging me into the downstairs office so we have a little more privacy, before shutting the door behind us. "anya, listen to me, if you feel confused with your feelings, i want you to not have any regrets by staying with me, do you get what i mean?" of course i do. i nod, looking down at the floor. "i mean it would be great if you stayed with me, but if that's not what you want, i'm not gonna force you into anything." shawn sighs, cupping my cheek gently. "be wise, anya." i shut my eyes briefly, before wrapping my arms around shawns neck, hugging him tightly, resting my lips against the side of his forehead, sighing softly. "we should go play with tommy, he's probably waiting for us." i nod, pulling my arms away from him, before walking out of the office, shawn following behind me, as we make our way into the kitchen.

"here's the prince himself, shawn mendes." kelsey teases, making shawn chuckle slightly.

"shawn, this is daniel's mom, katie," i introduce the two. "his brother, harry," harry gives a small wave. "his dad, james, and you'll meet his sister in a minute, since tommy's inviting her to play a game with us." i say with a light chuckle, as shawn introduces himself to each of them, sticking with a small smile and nod to daniel.

"we'll be joining the kids, see you all in a bit." i say, linking my hand with shawns, dragging him to the joint living room, where tommy and susie are sitting around a small board game.

"hey susie," i coo, leaning down and pressing my lips to her cheek, as she giggles, hugging me tightly. "how have you been, my love?"

"good!" she cheers. "i got a medal at school!"

"oh wow, did you? what was it for?" i act excited for her, as she spreads a wide smile on her face.

"soccer!" she giggles, tucking a piece of her blonde hair behind her ear.

"susie, meet shawn, shawn, meet susie." i introduce the two of them, as susie blushes bright red whilst shawn smiles at her.

"it's lovely to meet you sweetie, tommy's told me a lot about you." she giggles softly, as tommy goes bright red.

"are you two boyfriend and girlfriend?" she asks shawn and i, a curious look on her face. i look at shawn, and he looks straight back at me, the both of us smiling gently.

"yeah, we are." i answer, as shawn holds onto my hand, squeezing it softly. tommy gasps, looking down at our hands, a small smile appearing on his face.

"now let's play!" tommy says, handing us all a playing counter.

i just wish i continued playing that game, instead of leaving the room and falling into another state of utter confusion.
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hi guys