chapter forty-two
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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at around 7, i get up from the bed, wiping my eyes and wandering straight out of the room and into the bathroom, gazing at my appearance immediately in the mirror. i sigh deeply, as my red, puffy eyes scan over my tired body, the tear stains clear down my cheeks. i open the cold tap of water, leaning down and splashing my face with it, cooling my burning skin down. where's shawn?

after wiping my face, i quickly pull on a hoodie, walking out of the bathroom and into the main room, sitting on the couch, shawn no where in sight. i reach for my phone, scrolling down to his contact. i click on it, dialling up his number.

"hey it's shawn here! sorry i cant get to the phone, leave a message after the," his answer phone message follows by a beep and i let out a long sigh.

"hey shawn, it's me, i uh- i was wondering what time you'd be back home. call me when you get this." i hang up, letting out a long sigh and placing my phone on the couch, bringing my legs to my chest, burying my head to my knees, turning my head so i'm looking out of the window. my phone rings again and i jump to answer it, thinking it's shawn.

"hello?" i ask, not bothering to look at the called id.

"miss steinburg? it's dr vanpeters, calling from the toronto fertility clinic." the woman says on the phone. my heart starts racing as i sit up, leaning over my legs.

"yes this is she, what are you calling about?"

"miss steinburg, your test results are in." she begins, as i freeze. "it looks like the doctors in london didn't put in place enough tests to determine if you really are infertile. it looks like you are perfectly fine to have children. congratulations, miss steinburg." i feel my eyes fill with tears, as i bring my hand up to my mouth in shock.

"oh my gosh, thank you so much!" i exclaim, a few tears falling down my cheeks.

"no problem. have a good evening." she hangs up, as i place my phone down shakily, a shocked smile appearing on my lips.

i can have children, i don't think i've been happier to hear something from a doctor before.

i stand up, laughing at myself, in complete shock, as i feel a large smile cover my lips. there's only one problem, how do i tell shawn if he's not even talking to me? i frown immediately, sighing again as i sit back down on the couch, chewing on my bottom lip.

i wait there for another couple hours, before shawn comes inside, walking straight into his room and shutting the door firmly behind him. i sigh deeply, deciding to clean up the main room before heading to sleep myself. all i want is for shawn and i to be okay again.

after cleaning, i rub my sore wrists, sighing and leaning against the kitchen counter. shawns bedroom door opens and he walks into the kitchen, not looking at me, as he silently makes himself a mug of tea.

"how-" i open my mouth to speak to him but instead i cut myself off, not wanting to say anything. he turns to look at me, before i look down, making him turn back away.

"do you want some tea?" shawn asks me quietly, looking back at me.

"no thank you." i reply, folding my arms, as he nods, taking his tea and walking away, back into his room. i turn off the lights, walking back into the guest room, getting my bed ready for the night. i then go to brush my teeth quickly, before going back into the room and slipping under the covers.

is this going to be how shawn and i communicate for a while? i need to tell him about the news i got today, i can't just leave it.

after tossing and turning for a while in bed, i finally decide to get up and rush to shawns room, opening the door and slipping inside, seeing shawn playing around with one of his guitars. i then spot a bouquet of roses next to a teddy bear on his dresser, along with an array of sweets.

"hey." i say softly, leaning against the door.

"come here." he says. "i want to play you something." i walk over to his bed, sitting on the other side of him, as he begins to pick a few things away at his guitar, singing a soft melody to me, about how he needs a doctor after falling in love. he finishes the small part he was singing, before placing down his guitar and grabbing the roses, holding them out to me. "i'm so sorry, truly." he mumbles. "i was honestly just really annoyed, probably with myself more than anything."

"that's okay." i say back to him, taking the roses with a soft smile. "thanks, shawn." he beams down at me, sitting down and placing his hand on my thigh as i lay down my bouquet of roses next to me.

"i feel so bad." he mumbles again, looking down at the floor. "i'm so sorry."

"shawn," i say to him, looking up at him, as he lets out a small sigh. "i love you, okay? nothing will change that. we all have our moods, and it's completely natural if you feel mad or annoyed, yeah?" i say to him, as his cheeks flush pink. "i shouldn't have said anything in the first place, so i'm sorry for that."

"you wanna go to bed?" he asks me quietly, standing up from the bed and opening up his duvet covers. i nod, as i crawl under the duvets, shawn getting in next to me and spooning me gently, almost as though he doesn't want to hurt me. "i'm so sorry." he whispers, kissing my neck lightly.

"shh, it's okay." i remind him, turning around so i'm facing him, as i reach up, cupping his cheek gently. his eyes tear up and i immediately feel my heart soften and any anger i felt towards him vanish. "shawn, baby." i whisper, sitting up and cuddling him to my chest. "don't cry."

"i-i'm sorry." he mumbles against my chest, sniffling softly.

"you wanna hear something that'll make you smile?" i ask him, suddenly feeling nervous. he looks up from my chest, a tear rushing down his cheek.

"what?" he croaks, his teary eyes gazing into mine.

"i went to a clinic a few days ago, and got some tests done, and well," i pause, biting my lower lip anxiously. "we can have kids, shawn."

"w-what?" he stutters, looking shocked, and suddenly moving away from my chest. "you're kidding, right?"

"not at all." i say to him, a small smile on my lips. "shawn i can have kids."

"oh my god." he says, sitting up. "oh, my god!" he bursts, a huge grin lining his lips. "this is amazing! oh my god!" he stands up, pulling me up from the bed and twirling me about in his room, making me giggle softly. "so everything's okay? we can actually have kids without any troubles?"

"basically, yeah." i answer, nodding.

"this is crazy- how? they said in london you wouldn't be able to have kids." he says, trying to figure things out for himself.

"apparently their tests were wrong or something." i answer, shrugging. "shawn, do you know what this means?"

"we can start a family together." he answers softly, cupping my cheeks. "oh my god, i think i'm gonna cry again." we both chuckle as the tears build up in my eyes.

"me too." i croak out, the tears rushing down my cheeks. shawn quickly wipes them away, shushing me.

"when did you find out?" he asks me, linking his arms around my waist.

"a few hours ago." i say to him. "shawn, this is amazing." i mumble through my tears.

"it really is." he says back, burying his head in my neck. "i love you, so much."

"i love you too, hun." i reply, as we both get back into the bed, cozying up to one another.

"let's go out tomorrow." he mumbles, as i begin to doze off. "i'm thinking a fancy meal somewhere."

"okay." i chuckle tiredly, shutting my eyes and feeling sleep approach me quickly. "night."

"night love."
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aw look at that