chapter forty-nine
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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i don't get any sleep after waking up midway through the night. shawn still sleeps like a baby, his head buried in my neck, arms wrapped around my waist. i sigh softly, my head still swimming in a pool of emotions; i remove shawns arms from me, crawling out of my bed, leaving him still fast asleep under the duvets. i walk to my bathroom, rinsing my face with cool water, before walking into the living room and sitting on the couch, reflecting on everything i've just found out.

it's not possible.

then it hits me. my dad wasn't in the hamptons when shawn and i went there recently, after we got engaged. he was in manhattan city, on a "work trip". bullshit. he was probably with that woman peter was telling me about.

sighing, i look at the floor, seeing my phone still there. i quickly reach down and get it, checking the screen for any cracks. thank god there's nothing. i scroll down my contacts, reaching olivia's name and quickly texting her to cancel, saying i'm spending the day with shawn.

"morning baby." shawn mumbles, sitting next to me on the couch and pressing his lips gently to the side of my forehead. "everything okay?"

"y-yeah." i stutter, not really concentrating too much.

"i'm gonna go shower, is that okay?" shawn asks me softly, as i nod, before his lips are planted on my forehead again, and he begins to walk away.

"my dads cheating on my mom." i blurt out, making shawn stop in his tracks, and look at me, suddenly concerned.

"what?" he says softly, coming to sit next to me. "how do you know?"

"peter called me last night and said my dad snuck out of the house with a woman, kissing her on entry." i say, looking down at the floor. "why?" i croak, looking up at him.

"baby, i'm so sorry." he says, wrapping one arm around me, rubbing my back. "is that why you had a panic attack?" i nod, leaning against shawns side, burying my face in his chest.

"twenty-seven years." i mumble, sniffling softly, feeling the tears build up in my eyes again. "how can he throw that away? i don't think i can even look at him."

"anya, it really isn't for you to worry about, please don't get stressed over it." he reassured me, but this just makes me even more angry. fuck.

"not get stressed about it? my parents' marriage might be falling apart! my parents, shawn! my dad cheated on my mom!" i y'all, standing up from the couch.

"it's not like you haven't cheated before!" shawn snaps back. "you didn't think it was bad, so maybe your dad doesn't."

"shawn, i did think it was bad! everyday we used to talk about how bad it really was!" i yell. "cheating breaks up relationships, shawn, i don't want my parents to break up!" my voice cracks at the end and shawn immediately looks sympathetic, sighing and standing up, before wrapping his arms carefully around me. "i'm sorry for yelling." i mumble against his chest, tucking my hands under my head.

"it's okay, you're hurting right now." he says back to me, rubbing my arms gently. "are you gonna tell your mom?"

"i'm gonna need to get to the hamptons." i sigh, pulling away from his chest. "you know what, i'm just gonna move all my classes online again. i can't do this anymore."

"does that mean you can come on tour with me?" he asks hopefully. i bite my lip, nodding, sending him a sad smile.

"we're engaged, i don't think i can spend another six months without you." he breathes out a chuckle, smiling down at me. "shawn?" i ask quietly.

"what, hun?" he responds, concerned.

"will you ever cheat on me?" i ask in a small voice, almost childish. he lets out a small sigh, sitting down on the couch and guiding me to sit with him, holding my hands in his.

"anya rose, i'm in love with you. i'm infatuated with you, i'm so in love with you, sometimes i can't even thing straight." he begins. "never, in a million years, will i ever dream about disregarding your trust and cheating on you. i know i have cheated in the past with sydney, but regardless that didn't really matter to me, considering that you're the one i had the rendezvous with." i let out a small chuckle, my cheeks heating up. "what i'm trying to say is, even though i have cheated before, i would never, ever, cheat on you. i know it's bad, i know it's unforgivable, but gorgeous, i would never cheat on you. you're way too precious to cheat on, and i think we've been through enough together, we will never get to the position of cheating, i assure you." i let out a shaky sigh, nodding. "i love you, so much, anya. you really, truly, utterly have my heart."

"i love you." i repeat to him, squeezing his larger hands in my small ones. "will you come to my uni with me today? i'm gonna need to get a couple forms and things to transfer to online classes."

"of course, love." he beams at me. "i'm cancelling these next few pop up shows. you need me, and i will be there for you." my heart swells, and then drops, since he's willing to take time out of his career and making his fans, some of the most important people in his life, upset.

"shawn you don't have to-"

"i do." he states. "my life is now yours too, i have to cancel." he says again, moving closer to me, and wrapping his arm around my waist. "everything will be okay." he whispers, and with that i feel ten times more reassured, and suddenly calmer and safer about the entire situation.

"thanks love." i mumble, as shawn squeezes my side gently, in a comforting way. he smiles softly, leaning back against the couch, pulling me to his chest, where i curl up and cuddle against him, sighing softly.

"how about after we go to your uni, we do something to get your mind off things?" shawn asks softly, rubbing my shoulder. "i'm sure they'll have some tickets for the london eye today."

"shawn," i say, with a small chuckle. "it's the uk schools' half term right now. do you know how busy that area is going to be?"

"oh well, i wanna go up there with you." he chuckles, his chest vibrating under me. "so it's settled then, we'll go to your university, then go to the london eye, then go for lunch somewhere, and then-"

"go to kings cross, i wanna see you get a picture with the platform nine and three quarters sign." i chuckle, making shawn laugh quietly. "and then dinner somewhere."

"you feeling better now?"

"a little," i smile up at him. "thanks hun."

"no problem, baby." he leans down, kissing my forehead, before smiling and letting go of me, standing up. "well i'm gonna shower quickly."

"okay, i'll make some breakfast." i smile softly, as he nods, kissing my cheek again, before walking off. "shawn, wait!"

"what is it?" he asks softly, turning around.

"i love you." i smile softly, as he chuckles, smiling back.

"i love you more."
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okay hold on i think you're gonna get two more updates tonight👀