chapter forty-eight
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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october 2018 (told ya there would be a time jump)
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i sip on my coffee, sitting in a starbucks nearby my apartment, as i read over my lecture notes of just an hour ago. i sigh softly, looking at my watch, seeing it's only 11am, and shawn wouldn't be awake yet. i have no other classes today, and since shawn won't be awake until at least 1pm my time, i basically have nothing to do. it is difficult being away from your fiancée, especially since we are mid wedding plans, but it's okay, considering in november, we'll be back together for brief period, before christmas, in which we're going back to toronto, and having a christmas do in shawns condo on christmas eve, followed by christmas day at shawns parents' place.

"anya, hey," i look up, seeing a blonde standing in front of my table, carrying a coffee mug.

"oh olivia, hey." i smile, looking up from my laptop screen. "wanna sit?"

"no thanks, i'm meeting up with my boyfriend in a bit, i just wanted to say hi." she chuckles. "is everything okay?"

"yeah, just a little tired, that's all." i smile back at her, letting out a laugh. "how are you?"

"i'm great, thanks." she responds. "what are you doing tomorrow? do you want to go shopping or something?"

"sure, i'd love to." i chuckle. "text me details."

"will do." she smiles, before walking away and out of the coffee shop. i sigh again, looking at the time, before deciding to pack away my things and make my way back to my apartment.

as soon as i reach my door, my phone begins to ring, and i sigh deeply, taking it out of my pocket, seeing shawn facetiming me. i smile, answering his call.

"hey baby." i answer, as he grins at me, walking around somewhere.

"hey love, how are you?" he asks me, putting down something.

"i'm okay, better now you called." i chuckle. "what about you?"

"great! hey, look outside your window, i heard that they've got a busker or something near where you are." he says, smiling at me.

"okay, let me get into my place first." i laugh, making him chuckle and roll his eyes. i unlock my door, shutting it behind me, before putting my bag down and opening the balcony doors, before looking straight down. i gasp, seeing my fiancée standing there, looking up with a cheesy smile on his face. almost immediately, feel my eyes pool with tears, as shawns laughter fills my ears.

"okay, hold on, i'm going to serenade you." he says, placing his phone down onto the floor, so my facetime screen is pointing at the sky. i laugh, rolling my eyes, as i lean my hands down onto the railing, looking at shawn who swoops a guitar around his neck, and brings himself closer to the microphone.

"hello london!" a few cheers are heard, and that's when i smile softly, recognising lots of shawns fans down below. "so, i'm here for a couple days, and what better way to greet my fiancée than serenade her?" i laugh again, as he grins up at me. "this is called lights on." more cheers are heard as my cheeks flush red, whilst shawn begins to sing the song, his guitar creating an ambience in the quite chilly southbank. i laugh at him as he looks up and winks while singing, his fans singing along to the song also.

i hang up my facetime call, motioning to shawn that i'm coming down. he nods and continues to sing his heart out, a smile etched onto his lips, as i lock up my apartment again, heading back down to the lobby, and walking straight out onto southbank. as i turn the corner, i see shawn still singing, and i walk forward, shoving my hands into my pockets and smiling widely at him. he finishes his song, and immediately cheers are heard all around, as i chuckle, clapping loudly, a tear spilling out of my eye. shawn beams at the crowd, before handing his guitar to geoff and running over to me, immediately embracing me in his arms.

"hey anya." he chuckles, as i laugh back, sniffling against his chest, embracing his torso.

"hi." i mumble, pulling away from the hug as we both face each other, shawn immediately cupping my cheeks and wiping away my tears.

"why are you crying, darling?" he chuckles, grinning at me. i let out a laugh, as my tears keep falling freely down my cheeks.

"because i thought we weren't gonna see each other till november." he smiles sadly at me, before wiping away the last of my tears, pressing a delicate kiss to my nose.

"you wanna go out to eat?" he asks me, leaning closer, so his lips are fairy close to mine. i nod, shutting my eyes and closing the gap between us, kissing him gently, yet passionately.

"where to?" i whisper, pulling away. he wipes his thumb over my cheek, making me blush softly.

"that, i have no idea." i laugh at him again, throwing my head back, as he chuckles. "don't laugh at me!"

"sorry you're just hilarious." i say, making him chuckle again. "come on, i know a place." i link my hand with his, as we walk to a french café type set up, the sudden warmth of the café inviting us in. we immediately get guided to a table for two. shawn removes his jacket, placing it on the back of his chair, before sitting down opposite me.

"how have the shows been?" i ask shawn, as he links our hands over the table.

"they've been great, i guess i really missed performing." he chuckles, looking at me. "i wish you were with me."

"me too." i sigh. "how long are you here for?"

"a couple days, i think? i'm here till saturday, then it's off to paris for me." he sighs, suddenly looking a little upset.

"don't worry, babe, we need to make the most of the time we have together. i have no classes tomorrow and the day after is saturday anyway-"

"it's not the same." he cuts me off. "for gods sake, we're engaged yet we haven't seen each other since the end of august."

"i get that you're upset-"

"i'm not upset. i'm annoyed that i can't fall asleep with you in my arms every night, or even talk to you for a while because of how busy our schedules are, or waste away our day with a netflix marathon, or kiss you whenever i want to, or say i love you to your face, not to a freaking screen. i'm annoyed that i can't wipe away your tears whenever you're upset, i'm annoyed that i can't hold you when you feel worried or scared, i'm annoyed that we can't keep planning this wedding because we're apart, i'm annoyed that because we're always so far apart i can't even call you, there have been days where we haven't even spoken to each other, and you know that." he bursts, letting go of my hand and putting his head in his hands.

"shawn," i mumble softly, leaning over the table and placing my hand on his arm. "don't stress out, please."

"this is so hard." he mumbles, groaning. "i just miss you, a lot. and it's so hard to cope without you by my side."

"after this, we're going back to my place, and then we're going out, okay?" i say to him. "you're stressed, you need to relax a bit."

"you're not taking me to a spa." he chuckles.

"we're going to a spa whether you like it or not. you need a massage." i say to him. "then after that we can go back to mine and cuddle, and then tomorrow we can spend an entire day out, okay? i'm not wasting the time we have together, and i'm going to distress you, even if you don't want to." he smiles sadly at me, joining our hands again.

"i'm sorry for my outburst." he mumbles, squeezing my hand. "i really do appreciate everything you do for me, i love you, anya."

"i love you too." i smile back.
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"okay you're right, i probably did need that massage." shawn sighs, flopping down onto my bed, a serenity about him. i smile softly, folding my arms. "can we sleep now?" i nod sheepishly, strolling into the bathroom, and looking at my now relaxed appearance in the mirror. i tie my hair up into a ponytail, before starting my skincare routine, and brushing my teeth. shawn comes in a few minutes later, linking his arms around my waist and pecking my cheek gently, before brushing his teeth and washing his face. i stretch out my back, wandering back into my room and hunting in my wardrobe for something to wear. i find a pair of pink satin shorts, and a matching top to that, the thin spaghetti straps feeling like ribbon in my fingers. i take off my clothes for the day, before quickly changing into the pyjama set, and finding a pair of fuzzy socks to put on my feet.

"mmm, i love that set of yours." shawn mumbles, hugging me from my back. i giggle quietly, as he presses a kiss to the side of my neck.

"i'm not so sure you want to sleep anymore." i chuckle, as i see his cheeks flush in the mirror, the bright pink casting out of the dim lighting.

"we can always sleep after." he mumbles, trailing kisses down my neck. i sigh softly, a small moan getting caught at my throat. i turn around, sliding my arms around shawns neck, playing with the chocolate curls at the back of his neck. i nod, leaning up and pressing my lips to his, parting them with my tongue. he smiles into the kiss, hooking his hands under my legs, and lifting me up effortlessly, before laying me down onto the bed, his body hovering over mine. i pull away quickly, biting my lower lip, trailing my fingertips over his forearm.

"what is it?" he asks, suddenly concerned.

"nothing," i answer in a whisper. "let me care for you." i gently flip us over, so i'm straddling shawns hips, as he smiles up at me, leaning up for another kiss.

"i'm so in love with you, anya rose." he whispers, breaking the kiss.

"i'm so in love with you too." i respond, lifting his t-shirt off, and chucking it onto the floor beside me.
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shawns arm remains securely around my waist the entire night. well, up until the point my phone starts to ring at 4am the next morning. i squint my eyes in the darkness, groaning to myself, as i try to not wake up shawn, whilst reaching for my phone, clutching the bedsheet to my chest.

"hello?" i croak, my voice scratchy. i hear shuffling from next to me and i immediately groan, knowing shawn is awake.

"anya? is this a bad time?" i hear peters worried voice on the other side of the phone. i immediately sit up properly.

"i mean it is 4am here but what's wrong?" i ask, concern filling my veins. he lets out a long sigh, and i hear mumbles from kelsey on the other side of the phone.

"tell her." i hear her mumble, making my heart sink, thinking something is wrong.

"peter, what's up?" i ask, reaching down for shawns shirt, pulling it over my head.

"okay, don't freak out," he begins, as i stand up, walking to my drawers, and pulling out a pair of underwear. i quickly slide them on, walking outside my room and shutting the door quietly.

"peter, seriously, what happened?" i ask quietly, hoping shawns gone back to sleep.

"i think your dads cheating on your mom." he gets out. almost immediately, i feel my throat close up, and suddenly it gets hard for me to breathe.

"w-what do you mean?" i stutter, feeling sick to my stomach.

"i mean your mom's out on a business trip and your dad just greeted a woman at the door and left with her in his black mercedes." peter blurts out. "and i'm pretty sure a kiss on the lips isn't something two friends do when they sneak out a house at night."

"n-no that's not possible." i say. "they've been married for years, that's not possible." i deny, panic filling my head, making it spin. "peter please tell me this is a joke."

"i'm so sorry anya." i drop my phone and immediately sink to my knees, feeling dread consume me. air begins to be hard for me to get, as i start breathing heavily, leaning against the white wall behind me.

my dads cheating on my mum? how can he just throw away more than twenty-five years of marriage?

"darling?" shawn calls from my room, but his concerns soon get muted, through the ringing in my ears of emotions clouding my brain. "anya? babe?" i hear him stand up and shuffle about the room, before the door opens and he stands at the doorframe, looking around before his eyes land on me. "oh shit- hun," he rushes next to me, crouching down as tears spring from my eyes, and i feel bile rise up my throat. "what happened?"

"i-i-" i rise up, rushing to the bathroom, my hand clasped over my mouth as i lean over the toilet bowl, throwing up into it, the acidic feeling lining my throat. shawns quick to follow, and holds my hair back, rubbing circles on my back and shushing me as i continue to cry and let out the contents of my stomach.

"hun, shh," shawn whispers, as i rest against the side of the toilet, flushing it and leaning against the wall, bringing my knees to my chest. "come on, babe, brush your teeth." he mumbles, putting a hand on my back and helping me up from the floor in my hysterics. i sniffle, as he cups my cheeks, wiping the tears away, before bringing my toothbrush up and brushing my teeth for me. i rinse out my mouth, the sudden minty taste being quite comforting, before shawn wraps his arms around me, bringing me close to his chest. "shh," he whispers, stroking my hair and cupping my cheek with his hand. "what happened?"

"i-i don't know." i mumble. "i-i mean i do, but i-i don't."

"anya, you're not making any sense." shawn says quietly to me. "did you have a panic attack?" he whispers, concern running through his voice. i nod, leaning my head against his chest as he sighs, wrapping his arms tightly around me. "come back to bed, love." i nod softly, sighing as shawn lifts me up bridal style, and takes me back into the bedroom, laying me down on my white sheets, before getting in next to me, and snaking his arms around my waist.

i ponder for a few minutes, my thoughts clouding up my head. before i open my mouth to tell shawn about what happened, i realise i can hear quiet snores. shit, he's asleep.
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drama?