chapter five
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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after a very awkward dinner, seated next to shawn, and opposite my ex, i find myself guided to the end of a hallway where i used to come to think about everything. i sit at the window, gazing at the snowfall outside.

my mind wanders to dan, how he used to treat me like a princess when we were together. the way he asked me to be his girlfriend, everything seemed so surreal. we never, ever fought, only up until we broke up, realising we both wanted different things. he was the perfect boyfriend.

but shawn... shawn. even though we fight, he's brought out a side of me which i didn't even know existed. he treats me with the upmost respect anyone could have, and loves me for who i am, not someone who i have to pretend to be. my relationship with shawn is an adult relationship, and both of us are put in mature situations. i've been through so much with him, and i love him, i know i do, but seeing dan again does make me think what it would be like to still be with him.

"thought you would be here." i snap my head round, seeing daniel standing there, a small smile on his lips. "mind if i sit?"

"not at all." i say, as he sits opposite me on the window seat.

"you looked different at dinner, is everything okay?" he looks at me, concern filling his expression, as i sigh, shutting my eyes briefly. "has anything happened between you and shawn?"

"something like that." i mumble, looking up at him.

"come on, you can tell me what's going on." he urges, placing his hand on my knee, almost in a comforting way. "anya?"

"i still feel things with you, okay?" i snap, sighing straight after.

"oh." he says, as a silence overcomes us. sighing, dan squeezes my knee lightly, looking at me softly. "anya, i don't want you to ruin your relationship." he sighs again, moving closer to me. "you and shawn belong with each other, you know that."

"well i'm not so sure anymore." i say shakily, looking down at the floor.

"anya," he reassures, moving closer. "look at me." sighing, i gaze up, connecting our eyes together, as dan removes his hand from my knee. "don't ruin your relationship for me."

"kiss me." i blurt out, not knowing what i'm saying. "please."

"anya..." he trails off, sighing. "i don't want you to do anything you're gonna regret."

"i'm not gonna regret this." i say, knowing if shawn ever finds out, he'll be heartbroken. "please." i beg, as daniel curses under his breath, sighing, before cupping my cheek gently, leaning forward.

"oh for gods sake." he mumbles, before pressing his lips onto mine, kissing me passionately, before i place my hands on his waist, kissing back. stop, anya! what are you doing? immediately, dan realises something, and pulls away, leaving me dazed and even more confused. "you don't know how long i've waited to kiss you again."

"dan?" i ask. "do you still like me?"

"i haven't moved on at all." he mumbles, looking back at me.

"dan..." i trail off, gazing at the broken boy in front of me. "i'm sorry."

"it's okay." he shrugs. "anya just promise me one thing," i nod, as he sighs. "don't ruin your relationship with one person to begin something you'll regret." and with that, he stands up, leaving me alone once more, to process what just happened.

"you have some serious explaining to do." as the lump in my throat grows, i turn around, seeing peter and brooklyn standing there, both looking completely pissed at me. i shake my head, my eyes filling with tears. peters face softens, and he walks over to me, sitting next to me, and putting his arm around me.

"what happened?" brooklyn asks softly, standing in front of peter and i.

"a lot has happened." i mumble, leaning my head on peters shoulder as i softly cry, sniffling every so often, trying to compose myself. "and- shawn, oh god." this makes me cry harder, as tears constantly flutter down my cheeks, peter holding me tighter next to him.

"talk to us, anya, what's going on?" brooklyn crouches down next to me, looking concerned.

"i'm so confused with my feelings." i cry. "and i'm hurting shawn so much, i hate this. i-i just want to figure everything out, and make sure shawn-shawns not upset." i stutter out, sobbing into peters shoulder.

"you still have feelings for dan?" peter asks me quietly, rubbing my shoulder.

"i-i don't know- i felt something- but-" i cry. "shawn."

"does he know?" brooklyn asks me gently, as i nod my head.

"he figured it out." i breathe out. "we t-talked about it today, b-but i can't do this." i move my head from peters shoulder, wiping my eyes. "i'm breaking his heart."

"do you want me to get him?" peter asks softly, as i shake my head wildly, knowing if i do see him, he's going to be broken. "anya you have to tell him."

"i-i can't." i whisper. "please don't say a word to him." i beg, as peter sighs, finally nodding.

"come down, grandmas making hot cocoa." peter says softly, standing up, helping me up. "you don't have to talk, just come down."

"okay." i sigh, following the two down the corridor, back down the marble steps, as we all walk into the living room, seeing all the cousins sitting down, shawn talking to nate, jasmine, sophie and jason. "n-no i can't do this." i mumble to brooklyn, turning around and beginning to walk away, but peters quick to grab my arm, dragging me back to his side. "peter, please don't." i beg, tears pooling in my eyes. luckily shawn has his back to the scene, and doesn't know what's going on.

"he's gone home, there's no need to fear anyone's gonna say anything." peter says softly to me, as i finally sigh, walking with him to kelsey, matt and poppy.

"are you okay?" kelsey asks me gently, as matthew crawls into his dads arms, poppy playing with him, making him laugh. "anya, what's happened now?"

"don't." peter says softly. "not here." i shake my head at kelsey, as she nods, understanding completely.

"i'm gonna go help grandma, i'll be back in a bit." i stand up from the sofa, walking out of the living room, pulling my jumper close to me, as i walk into the kitchen, seeing my grandma stirring a pot of hot chocolate.

"hi sweetie, how are you?" she asks warmly, smiling at me.

"i'm okay." i smile weakly back. "do you need any help grandma?"

"do you mind setting out mugs onto a few trays, and handing out the hot chocolate after? go get poppy to help, dear." she says to me, as i open up a cabinet, taking out a few wooden trays. "wait, she's here now."

"do you want me to help anya, grandma?" poppy asks, coming next to me.

"yes please, sweetheart." grandma says, as i bring the trays to the table, poppy coming forward with mugs, and lining them up on the tray.

"peter said for you to stay with me tonight." poppy whispers. "has anything happened between shawn and you?"

"not now, poppy." i sigh, placing the mugs on the trays, poppy grabbing some more to put on.

"sweetie, talk to him." grandma butts in, listening to our conversation. "don't let him go, i know what's going on."

"how do you know what's going on, grandma?" i ask, as poppy finishes putting the last of the mugs down.

"you underestimate how much shawn and i talk, after all, i did guide him to buy you that anniversary present, didn't i?" she says softly. "i agree with peter, stay with poppy tonight if something's gone wrong." i nod, helping grandma pour out the hot chocolate into the mugs, before poppy and i take a tray each, knowing we're going to have to make two trips to hand them all out.

"i'll start in the dining room, you start in the living room, well the tv room." i nod at poppy, as we both part ways, myself going into the room the cousins were in, going round and handing out the hot chocolate.

i steady my breath as i approach shawn, the guilt settling in my stomach. "hey hun." he says, taking a mug from the tray. "thank you, gorgeous." i nod, continuing across the group of youngsters, as the tray is emptied in that room alone. i go back to the kitchen, seeing that poppy has already handed out all the hot chocolate, whilst i wasted time in the tv room. sighing, i lean against the marble counter, grandma walking next to me, holding onto my hands with her warmer ones.

"i know you are smart, honey." she says softly. "but sometimes you have to make silly decisions to realise the smart choices that you have to play to get to your overall decision." i nod at her, looking down at the floor. "both of you are going through such a hard time, but you have to go through that together, and it will signify whether you two will last or end."

"grandma i don't want to end things with him." i whisper. "i'm just so confused."

"i know, dear, but you have to be smart about this." she reaches up, moving a piece of my hair away from my face. "whatever you do, you have my blessing for everything."

"thanks grandma." i smile warmly at her, as she reaches over, handing me a mug of hot chocolate, with whipped cream over it, and a candy cane sticking out of it, along with multi coloured sprinkles on top. "you remembered." i smile widely, taking the mug from her hands.

"you need it, sweetie." she says softly. "now go and talk, be happy." i nod, walking away from the kitchen, back into the tv room. i take a breath, steadying my breathing, before sitting next to sophie, bringing my knees up on the sofa, holding the mug in my hands. shawn smiles sadly at me, as i smile a small one back, taking a sip of the warm beverage in my hands.

"how comes you got a fancy hot chocolate?" jason moans, as everyone notices my large mug.

"grandma loves me." i chuckle, feeling an immediate sense of peace, as my cousins, shawn and i talk about nonsense, all sitting in a large group. my phone starts buzzing in my back pocket, and i look at the called i.d.

aaliyah? why would she call me and not shawn? i stand up, sliding my finger over my phone to answer the call, walking out of the room and into the hallway, pressing my phone to my ear.

"hey liyah." i say softly, sitting on the steps.

"hey anya." she replies. "is shawn there? he's not answering his phone."

"he's here, is everything alright?" i ask her, genuinely concerned.

"yeah, i just wanted to call shawn." she laughs. "how are you, anya?"

"i'm good, thank you." i chuckle. "i'll get him now, hold on." i place my hot chocolate on the glass mantle piece, before walking back into the room, standing at the doorway. "shawn?" i call, as he turns around, seeing me. i motion him to come outside, and he quickly stands up, rushing towards me.

"what's up?" he asks me, as i walk to collect my hot chocolate, shawn following.

"nothing, aaliyah called and wants to talk to you." i say, handing shawn my phone. "you can talk in my room."

"come up with me." he says, almost as if he's begging.

"alright, i'll be a few minutes." i nod, as shawn walks up the steps, taking my phone with him, saying hi to aaliyah. i grab my hot chocolate, standing at the steps for a few moments, before slowly walking up them, trying to calm my nerves down. i approach my closed bedroom door, and stand outside it for a few minutes, hearing the quiet mumbles of shawn on the phone. i slowly open up the door, hearing shawns cries flood my ears. i gasp, hearing him cry on the phone to his sister.

"-i just want what's best for her." he cries. "i know it's stupid of me to not fight back but i know if i do there's a chance she'll leave me, hell, there's a huge chance of her leaving me now." i stand, listening to his conversation with aaliyah, knowing that i fully have broken him emotionally. "okay, i'll see you soon, i love you." he sniffles. "it's really killing me knowing i won't see any of you for four months now." he sighs. "will you? i can talk to andrew about it, tell mum and dad i said hi, and i love them." he laughs lightly, sighing again. "merry christmas for tomorrow, i'll call you at some point, oh by the way, i left some presents for you in my wardrobe in my old room, they're from anya and i." i smile softly, remembering how excited shawn was to wrap up all the gifts to his family from us. "alright, i love you too, bye." he hangs up, putting my phone down on the bed next to him, as he places his head in his hands, leaning over.

"shawn..." i trail off, walking into my room, crawling up behind him, and placing my hands on his shoulders. "i'm so sorry."

"it's okay darling." he croaks out, rubbing my arms softly.

"no it isn't." i sigh, as shawn turns around, pulling me onto his lap. "i'm breaking your heart, shawn, this isn't okay." i look at him, linking my arm around his neck, and brushing my fingers over the curls at the back of his head.

"what did i say to you?" he asks me softly. "it's okay, you're just figuring out your feelings."

"i kissed him." i mumble, looking down at my lap. "shawn i- i'm so sorry." shawn sighs, placing his hands on my thigh, rubbing it softly.

"you're just figuring things out, it's okay." he whispers, kissing my neck gently. "don't be worried, baby." i pull away from him, cupping his cheek with my hand. "can i give you something?" he asks me softly, looking up at me. i nod, as he gently sits me down on the bed, before walking to his suitcase, and bringing out a small gift bag, walking towards me, and handing me the black, velvet touch bag.

"shawn..." i whisper, opening it up, revealing a perfume. i examine the bottle, the gold lid encrusted with my initials, the glass bottle holding the perfume.

"i ordered it from a store in london." he says softly. "i was on the phone to them for two hours, describing you as a person, and they created this scent, perfect for you." he whispers. "i haven't smelt it, but i hope you like it." i open up the lid, sniffing it, the exquisite floral aroma, with the hint of citrus and spices running through it, an after smell of a sweet honeysuckle.

"shawn, this is one of the most thoughtful gifts i've ever received, thank you." i say, a small smile on my lips as i look at him.

"i know we could be ending soon, and i just want to give you something to remind you of how much i adore you." he croaks out, his eyes filling with tears. "i love you, anya rose." i put the perfume down, standing up and wrapping my arms around shawns neck, letting him bury his head into my shoulder.

"come on, lie down." i whisper, guiding shawn to my bed, where we both lie down, shawn resting his head on my chest, as i play with his curls. his hands snake around my waist, holding me tightly towards him, as tears fall down his cheeks silently.

"i don't want to lose you." he whispers, as i lean down, pressing my lips to his forehead. what do i even say to him with that?

"go to sleep babe, you look exhausted." i say softly, toying my fingers into the curls of his hair.

fully clothed from the day, shawn and i both fall asleep, wrapped up in each other's arms, waiting for this situation to overcome us, both of us knowing it's not going to leave until an answer is completely decided.
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have you seen/going to see shawn during the iwt?? if so, what show did you go/are you going to?