chapter fifty-three
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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"i'm fine, chill out." shawn chuckles, rolling out of the bed, pulling a shirt over his torso, the scar of his sticking out of his side. i frown up at him, sighing softly.

"shawn, you just got the all clear from the doctors, are you sure you want to go to the gym?" i ask, resting on my elbows. "stay here for a bit."

"anya rose," shawn sighs, leaning down so he's face to face with me. "i will be fine." he whispers, pecking my lips gently. "i'll even give you ten minute updates, love." i let out a small chuckle, rolling my eyes. "plus i'm gonna have to start exercising a little before tour starts back up again in february, and we're heading back to toronto on the 27th, for my family's christmas and new years." he explains.

"okay," i sigh, nodding. "just be safe, and careful."

"of course, my love." he chuckles. "i'll see you in a couple hours."

"i love you." i smile softly, sitting up as he leans down, pecking my lips once more.

"love you more." he smiles. "i'll see in you in a couple hours, yeah? don't get too crazy without me." i chuckle softly at him, rolling my eyes once more.

"alright, see you." he grins, pressing his lips to my forehead, before grabbing a hoodie and walking out of my room, plugging his earphones in. i let out a small sigh, rolling out of my white sheeted bed, and strolling into the bathroom, rubbing at my still tired eyes.

after doing my morning routine, i pull on a jumper over my spandex shorts and t-shirt, before grabbing my laptop and strolling downstairs to the kitchen, where i see my mom typing away on her phone. oh shit, i completely forgot about telling her because of shawn getting stabbed.

"hey sweetie." my mom smiles at me, looking up from her phone.

"hi mom, sleep well?" i ask, sitting at the island and opening up my laptop.

"very much." she smiles again. "hey, you haven't spoken to your dad recently have you? he's not replying to any of my phone calls or texts." my heart drops and i immediately feel the sadness rush through me.

"i-uh, no mom, sorry." i lie, frowning. "wasn't he supposed to come back from la a couple days ago?"

"that's what i thought, i hope nothing's happened." she frowns, tears pooling at her eyes. "anyway, i have to go, i've got a meeting today." she composes herself, standing up straight. i feel the guilt rush through my and i hold in a sigh. "have a good day, sweetie."

"you too mom, and i'll try and call dad later." i say, standing up and going to give her a quick hug. "i'll see you later."

"bye anya." she beams at me, before grabbing her bag and rushing out of the house. i sigh again, slumping back into the stool, logging onto my laptop.

i place my chin on my hand, letting out a long sigh. how do i tell my mom that my dad is cheating on her? it's not something that comes up in a regular conversation.

"good morning!" jasmine chirps, walking into the kitchen, a tired nate following her, his hair all messed up, and jasmine wearing his button up shirt.

"well you two had a fun night." i smirk, pulling open the file with all the contact numbers for the wedding. "thank god for soundproof walls eh?"

"and i suddenly hate you." jasmine jokes back, making me laugh. "what you up to?"

"i need to call a few people about the wedding, that's all." i sigh, stretching out my fingers over the keyboard. "shawn and i want everything sorted out before next march, so i might as well get the boring stuff out of the way."

"when are you going to do your stuff? like the dress, the shoes, the make up, the veil, the bouquets, the night before, the bridesmaid dresses?" she lists, questioning me.

"when all of the other stuff is done." i say, chuckling lightly. "shawn and i also decided josiah's going to be a guest, so we need to find a photographer."

"why don't you ask brooklyn?" nate asks, leaning against the counter.

"because brooklyn is a guest." i say, scrolling through my contact list. "you wouldn't happen to know any good wedding photographers, would you? oh my god i still need to organise the pre wedding photos, holy shit- the engagement dinner!" i groan, opening up another word document, and beginning to type out a few things.

"where's shawn?" nate asks, as jasmine prepares their coffees.

"at the gym." i say. "he's trying to get back to normal before tour starts back up again." i shrug. "he should be back in a couple hours."
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"hey baby," shawn whispers, hooking his arms around my waist, kissing my neck over and over again. i smile softly, stretching out my fingers, settling into shawns embrace.

"hi love, how was the gym?" i ask, playing with his hand which rests around my waist.

"good, it's great to be back out and doing things again." he smiles, as i turn my head around, pecking his lips gently. "what are you doing, darling?" he rests his chin in my shoulder, looking at the computer screen.

"i just got us a photographer, and booked the hall for the engagement dinner." i tell him, grinning. "oh, and the pre wedding photos, can we just ask josiah to take them when we're on tour next year? that way we can get them in loads of different cities."

"that's a great idea! and we could get some at the shows, and stuff like that." he beams. "i can't wait till next year."

"neither can i, it's looking so exciting." i agree with him, as he lets out a small chuckle.

"i need to shower quickly, but i'll be back down in about twenty minutes, is that okay?" i nod my head at him, pressing my lips to his once more, pulling away and seeing a small blush settle over his cheeks. "okay great, i'll be back down soon." he kisses my cheek, before rushing away from the kitchen, and back up to my room.

i close my laptop, standing up and putting my coffee cup into the sink, washing it quickly, before picking up my laptop again, and walking straight into the living room, sitting on one of he unoccupied couches.

"where are all of our parents?" poppy asks, picking up a glass of water.

"my moms at work." i shrug. "my dad, well, he's in la." peter flashes me a look and i shrug, frowning. "i don't know where everyone else is."

"they're probably all somewhere, oh well." jasmine sighs, resting her head on nate's shoulder. "hey, why are you looking all sad at peter?" jasmine asks me. peter lets out a sigh,
looking at me. i gulp, suddenly feeling anxious.

"don't say it if you don't want to." kelsey tells me, knowing what's going on. i shake my head, biting my lower lip.

"no-no, i want to tell you guys, i-i just don't want to think about it." i say, sighing softly. "peter, you tell everyone."

"i saw anya's dad sneak off with a woman a couple months back, when he said he was going to manhattan for work." he sighs, as i feel sadness overcome me. "they kissed at the door too, i don't think they're just friends."

"oh shit, anya i'm so sorry." sophie says, looking sad all of a sudden.

"what do you mean? he would never!" poppy says, shocked from what she just found out. i let out a soft sigh, bringing my knees to my chest.

"well, people can be two faced." i mumble, looking down at the floor. "how the heck am i supposed to tell my mom?"

"it's not your job to tell her." brooklyn tells me. "don't worry, anya."

"i know it isn't, but i don't want her finding out from seeing it first hand." i say. "and they're my parents, how can this happen? i don't think i ever want to talk to my dad ever again."

"that's a little dramatic, anya." jason rolls his eyes.

"it isn't dramatic, it's okay for her to be feeling like that." sophie spits back at jason, getting annoyed. "no ones telling you to talk to him, anya." sophie tells me, sighing softly. "just please don't worry about it, you don't need to be getting stressed."

"i know, i know, it's just it's really hard keeping something like this away from my mom." i shrug, sinking in my seat. "anyway."

the room is silent for a few moments, before shawn comes down, spotting me and sitting next to me immediately, placing his hand on my thigh.

"what is it?" he asks, confused at the silent room.

"he knows, right?" peter asks me, and i nod.

"yeah, he knows." i confirm, holding shawns hand in mine. "moms worried about dad, and that's really annoying me how i can't tell her."

"oh, we're talking about that." shawn says, finally understanding. i smile softly at him, squeezing his hand lightly. "i think you should tell her."

"how do i though? 'hey mom, dads cheating on you, have a good day!' yeah, no." i shake my head, sighing quietly.

"do you want me to talk to her?" shawn asks me, concerned. "i am her son in law, i might as well start the job now."

"you don't have to do that, hun." i tell shawn, running my thumb over the back of his hand. "i'll talk to her about it tonight, it's okay."

"no point in doing that." my heart freezes as i look at the doorway, seeing my mom standing there, tears pouring down her cheeks. "i already know."

"mom," i sigh, standing up and rushing out of the room, hugging my mother close to me, as she cries onto my shoulder. "i'm so sorry, mom."

"don't worry, honey." she sniffles, bursting into another round of cries. "it wasn't going in the right direction anyway."

"i should've said something mom, i'm really sorry." i frown, rubbing her back.

"you shouldn't worry about this." she says, pulling away from the hug and wiping her tears. "i'm going to get the lawyers on this tomorrow morning, and apply for some divorce papers too."

"mom, are you sure you want to go ahead with that?" i ask her, feeling the tears pool at my eyes. "i-it could be fixed."

"once a cheater, always a cheater." she smiles sadly at me, sniffling. i look at her confused, as she holds onto my hands, leading me to the steps, where she sits down with me.

"has he cheated before, mom?" i whisper, a tear sliding down my cheek.

"twice, even." she mumbles. "you were not even born yet." she chuckles sadly, wiping her eyes. "the second time, it was after your tenth birthday, the night of even." she sighs, sniffling again.

"m-mom." i stutter, the tears falling out of my eyes. "wh-why didn't you tell me?"

"the past stays in the past." she mumbles. "i now know that i want it to stay in the past. i want a divorce." i embrace her again, as she rubs my back, the tears still rushing down my cheeks.

"i'm so sorry, mom." i mumble quietly, sniffling. i feel her shake her head, and rake her hands over my back, shushing me.

"don't worry, sweetie." she pulls away from the hug. "okay, i really have to get to that meeting." she says, looking at her watch. she wipes her eyes again, standing up and picking up her bag once more.

"mom-" i'm cut off by her leaving and slamming the front door. i shut my eyes, groaning, as i sit back on the step, folding my hands together, holding back my tears from falling.

"anya?" shawn questions, leaving the room, and coming into my sight. i look up at him, as his face softens, immediately making him come forward and sit next to me on the steps, pulling my hands away from each other, and holding one of them in his hand, his other arm wrapped around my waist. i tuck my head into his neck, crying softly, as he shushes me, rubbing my back softly. "what happened, hunny?"

"you won't ever cheat on me again, right?" i ask firmly, looking up from his neck. "please don't. and even if you think about it, just break up with me first. it'll hurt less."

"what are you even going on about?" he murmurs, letting out a long breath. "stop, anya rose, stop thinking that i'll ever cheat on you."

"it's happened before." i cry, the tears pooling in my eyes again.

"that doesn't mean it will happen again," he shakes his head. "we've both done it, but the difference is, we were both kids, and we didn't even understand the depths of love." he explains. "i assure you, darling, never will i ever cheat on you." he cups my cheeks, wiping away my tears, worry filling his expression. "i-i love you, anya."

"i love you, shawn." i repeat to him, as he wipes away another one of my tears.

"please stop crying," he breathes out. "you're gonna make me cry." i let out a sad laugh, noticing his teary eyes.

"i-i'm sorry." i mumble, sniffling. "oh god, shawn, don't you cry now." i say, seeing a tear slide down his cheek. he breathes out a nervous chuckle, letting go of my cheeks, and wiping away his tear.

"sorry," he murmurs, as i shuffle closer to him, embracing his torso, resting my head on his back. "hey, i'm okay." he says, with a light chuckle, wiping away the second tear, sitting up, and wrapping his arm around my waist again, squeezing my side lightly. "are you okay?"

"i am now." i confirm.

love to me is complex, but when it comes to shawn mendes, love is simple, and easy to come across, yet still so confusing and in abundance, which can sometimes be overwhelming. in these past two years, i've learnt the ins and outs of love with shawn, and holding a strong endearment to an individual. so, when shawn rests his head over mine, clutching my hand in his, a spark flies over our joint hands, rushing up my arm, straight to my heart, and i realise the love we have is raw, and practically invincible. and i couldn't be more thankful for that.

"what are you thinking about, love?" shawn asks me quietly, standing up and holding his hand out to me.

"just us." i say softly, making him smile gently.

and boy, when he smiles, i feel like my entire world is smiling, and suddenly everything is okay again. shawn really is my light in the darkness.
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this isn't the end btw