chapter fifty-six
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
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november 2019
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rushing around backstage may seem exciting, but when shawns 30 minutes late for stage, and everything is unorganised, it really isn't at all jovial. i follow shawn around as he gets his earpiece fitted, as he wants me to come under the stage with him before he gets on.

"ready?" i ask him, swooping my arms around his neck, his guitar getting in the way. he nods, leaning down and pressing his lips to mine.

"see you backstage?" he asks me, as i smile softly, nodding at him.

"have a great show, i love you." i peck his lips again, as he grins at me, nuzzling our noses against each other.

"i love you so much more, see you soon." he pecks my cheek again, before a man tells shawn to get into his place, and i'm escorted round the stage to the entrance just in front of the first row barrier to the backstage area. i climb up the small flight of stairs, before being greeted by the busy aroma of a busy show, and a clipboard being thrown into my hands.

"anya, you know what to do." geoff tells me, running off to another area. i nod, taking the few turns to the control station near the b-stage, scanning through the set list in my hands. the opening chords to there's nothing holdin' me back blares out, and i smile softly, seeing that shawn hasn't changed the opening song for two years now.

visuals that shawn and i filmed earlier this year of the two of us recreating his scenes with ellie in the video are projected onto the back screen, and the usual moon in the middle of the arena casts a blue colour, imitating the first visuals ever for this song, the ones performed in the illuminate world tour.

"hello paris! how are we feeling tonight?" shawn asks, earning deafening screams from the audience of 20,000, making me smile proudly, as i set in place the projections for the next song, nodding at tom who controls a few other things on the stage.

"anya, can you quickly run backstage? andrew just said for you to go to the green room bar." tom tells me, taking the clipboard away from my hands.

"will you be okay managing it on your own?"

"yeah, i'll be fine, but andrew sounded pretty serious, so go." tom chuckles, as i nod, rushing backstage to the green room bar, seeing andrew standing at the bar, going through a set of paperwork.

"everything okay, andrew?" i ask, coming to the bar.

"yeah everything's fine, i just got this handed to me." he says, showing me the paperwork. "i think it's for you?"

"holy shit." i mumble, going through the paperwork from my university. "i can graduate? and i'm invited to a chancellors dinner?"

"it's probably from your charity work you did recently, the one with education for women in third world countries. holy shit anya, i think we're gonna have to get you your own PA." i let out a small chuckle, going through the details listed on the papers in my hand. "shawn would love to hear this, you better tell him the minute he gets off stage."

"i will, don't worry." i chuckle, in bewilderment. "thanks for getting this to me andrew."
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"hey," shawn says, his skin glowing from sweat he's accumulated from the show, his shirt unbuttoned a couple times, the smallest amount of chest peeking out, as he leans over, trapping me in a hug, flinging his earpiece out of his ear. "my god, that was a good show." he chuckles, as i grin, leaning up to peck his lips softly.

"hey baby." i chuckle softly, pulling away from his embrace.

"let's go to my dressing room, i need to freshen up a little bit before we get back to the hotel." he sighs, looking at his watch, as he takes his guitar off from his body, placing it on the rack backstage. "i also need to change."

"okay, come on sweaty boy." he lets out a small laugh at me, holding his hand in mine as we make our way to the dressing room, shawn greeting crew members who congratulate him on a good show along the way. we finally reach the white door that belongs to shawns dressing room, and he cracks it open, letting us both slip inside, before letting go of my hand, and shutting the door behind him, as he begins to unbutton his shirt, pulling a new t-shirt from his rack in the room, sliding it over his head.

"that crowd was something else." he says, sinking in the couch. "i don't know whether it's because it is the city of love, or because paris is magical, but i really felt something today, y'know? like it was the first night from this tour so far which has really made me want to blare it all out because of the love and passion hitting me. i want to reflect that." he explains, as i smile, folding my arms and leaning against the wall.

"you were insane, tonight." i tell him, as he lets out a smile. "what if i told you a story really felt so special, and the passion you put into sure of myself was insane, babe."

"thanks love." he smiles, standing up and walking to his mini fridge, where he pulls out a beer, cracking it open on the side of the table, and taking a few long gulps, sighing at the taste. "where were you, by the way? for like half the show? i looked over at the control table and you weren't there."

"oh, uh andrew had something for me." i say nervously. "shawn i-"

"why did you have to go in that one moment though? couldn't you wait? you know how much i love seeing you in the crowd." normally, i'd probably swoon at the last thing shawn said, but it's like he doesn't even care about what could have happened to me, and that's annoying me.

"i'm sorry shawn, it was something that i'm proud about, i had to go." i tell him, as he scoffs.

"what could be more important than me performing?" now it's my turn to scoff, as i roll my eyes, suddenly getting really annoyed at shawn.

"maybe the fact that i can graduate early? and the fact that i got invited to a chancellors dinner?" i ask him, scoffing. "you know what shawn? fuck you, maybe you should take your head out of your ignorant ass, and actually understand other people around you are achieving titles that they are proud of, and wanting to share to their fucking fiancée." i scoff again, turning around and opening the door.

"so you're gonna leave now? why didn't you tell me? maybe i wouldn't be reacting like this, and i'm not ignorant in the slightest, you are." he snaps back.

"jesus christ shawn, what the fuck did i do to make you annoyed? you know what, i don't care, i'll see you in the hotel." i spit, tears pooling in my eyes. i wipe them away quickly, before storming out, collecting my bag on the way. i make my way out of the arena quickly, walking up to the cars meant for the crew to get back to the hotel. i quickly open the door to one, getting in and telling the driver the hotel name, sighing and leaning my head back against the seat, a tear trickling down my cheek.

that was the first fight in over a year.

i arrive at the hotel in the matter of forty-five minutes. i thank the driver, getting out of the car, taking my bag with me, and rushing into the lobby of the hotel, heading straight to the elevators and up to the top floor of the hotel, where shawn and i have a penthouse room.

the elevator dings at the floor, as i get out, rummaging through my beg for the hotel room key. i find the card, and unlock my door, getting in and shutting the door behind me, leaning against it, and dropping my bag to the floor.

tears immediately flood my vision as i cry into my hands, the droplets sliding down my cheeks as fast as wildfire. i slide down the door, crouching down on the floor, my knees pulled up to my chest as i continue to cry into my hands.

after a few moments, i stand up, wiping my cheeks and picking up my bag again, wandering into the bedroom, dropping my bag next to it, and walking into the walk in closet, taking out a set of silk pyjamas and a white fluffy robe, before settling them down on the bed, and quickly changing out of my regular clothes. i then wander into the bathroom, taking off my streaky makeup, and tying my hair up into a ponytail. i then brush my teeth quickly, before walking back into the bedroom, taking off my robe, and crawling under the white sheets, the eiffel tower right in front of my vision, the lights of the late night paris scenery casting themselves into a piece of artwork.

i shut my eyes firmly, resting my head against the pillowcase, as more tears find their way out of my eyes and into my pillowcase. i hear the main door open, and shut, followed by. a heavy sigh of shawn. shit.

"anya, darling?" he croaks, calling through the penthouse suite. i don't reply, as he wanders into the bedroom, his eyes probably lying on my body under the sheets, and i hear him curse under his breath, before i feel the bed dip down next to me. "baby?" he whispers, hooking his arm around my waist.

"go away." i mumble, opening my eyes, sniffling through my tears.

"shut, hunny, don't cry," he says quietly, spooning my tired body, holding me close to him. "i'm so sorry, darling, i don't know what came over me." he apologises, pressing his lips against the back of my neck. "fuck, baby, i'm so sorry." i don't reply, and he lets out another long sigh. "you know what, don't forgive me, i don't know why you would anyway. i was a dick, and i'm sorry." he says softly, before standing up from the bed, and strolling into the bathroom. i open my eyes, sighing deeply, a tear rushing down my cheek.

he comes back into the room a few moments after, probably in different clothes, since i hear rummaging through a plastic bag we labelled as a wash bag. shawn then gets into the bed, cozying up to his side, his back turned away from me. i'm pretty sure he thinks i'm asleep, considering the fact that i hear him crying, and my heart breaks.

"shawn, stop." i whisper, moving closer to him and wrapping an arm around his torso. "shh, love."

"i'm so sorry." he mumbles, sniffling through his tears, as he turns around so he's facing me. i shake my head, smiling gently at him, as i wipe away the fallen tears, shushing him, and gently pressing my lips to his hot forehead.

"it's okay, i'm sorry for calling you an ignorant ass." i say, with a light chuckle, as he smiles sadly.

"you were right though, i was being ignorant, and that was completely unfair on you." he says quietly. "i'm so proud of you, my love, you honestly make me so proud every single day, just seeing you succeed makes me happy, and i'm sorry it didn't seem like that when you told me."

"that's okay," i shrug, as he finds his arms around me. "so, you wanna be my date to the chancellors dinner?"

"the anya steinburg, is asking me, shawn mendes to a chancellors dinner? i think i'm going to have to say yes!" i let out a small laugh, rolling my eyes at him, as he drapes a leg over my hip, holding me close to his chest. "i love you, remember that."

"i love you more, hun."