5 months later
chapter fifteen
feelings
[anya rose steinburg]
-
i stare at the blonde in front of me through facetime, wandering what happened to us in the past month since i moved to london. "dan, please talk to me."

"baby, i know you chose me after everything but you and i both know things aren't working out." i frown, picking at my nail polish. "anya, you're in-in london, and i'm in la."

"i know." i mumble, sighing softly, as the sun sets outside my penthouse apartment in the city. "how about i come to la as soon as my finals are over?"

"really?" dan asks hopefully. "when are your exams?"

"later this month." i sigh, looking at the stack of paperwork for wuthering heights. "i promise i'll fly out, i miss you."

"okay." he nods. "you better get that first. if you don't, i'll write to your university and make them give you a first." i laugh, as he chuckles. "i'm serious."

"alright. hey, i need to make some dinner, ill call you later, yeah? text me when your lecture is over." i say, standing up from my desk chair, walking out of my room and into the kitchen.

"yeah i will, i love you." he says, making my heart skip a beat. i smile, a soft blush settling over my cheeks.

"i love you too, see you then." i hang up the facetime call, placing my phone down onto the granite counter, turning on one of my spotify playlists.

dan and i got together again in late february, after i had finally taken shawns words and decided to move on. according to the media, shawn hasn't moved on at all. he has not been spotted by anyone, and apparently in la all he did was go to the studio and stay in his hotel. since he got back to toronto? well that's a different story. of course he sold up the house, and from his snapchat and instagram stories, he now has an amazing view of the CN tower, and the financial district in toronto.

i do still talk to him sometimes, whether it is a quick message to each other from what we've seen from social media, or the simple "hey, how are you?" but our conversations usually do die out after a few moments. how am i supposed to spend time with him at a concert in june? luckily some of his friends, and geoff will be there, so at least i can talk to other people if it gets too awkward with shawn.

i moved to london in march, after finding out that my university could cater for classes in different cities in the world. so, i decided to move to london just to get a new scene, and also to get out of america completely.

my apartment bell buzzes, and i groan, putting down the pan i was holding, before walking to the main door of the apartment, looking through the peep hole.

"what are you two doing here?" i chuckle, opening the door, revealing sophie and brooklyn. "i was just about to make dinner."

"well, now you don't have to." sophie says, holding up a bag of wagamama's takeout food. my eyes widen at the sight, and i quickly invite them in, getting a bottle of wine out after they get inside the apartment.

sophie moved to london for university too, studying human and political sciences at UCL. her and brooklyn decided to buy a flat together, and move in pretty nearby to me, so i guess i have some family with me.

"how's the studying going?" i ask sophie, taking out three wine glasses, as brooklyn sets up the food on my kitchen island.

"it's going okay, a little hands on compared to what i'm used to, but i decided to take human and political sciences, so i guess it's my fault anyway." she laughs. "how are you?"

"ugh, honestly why did i even decide to take english literature as a degree?" we both share a laugh, as i pour out the three glasses of wine.

"did you hear? shawns in london. we bumped into him when collecting the food." brooklyn tells me, opening up a chicken katsu curry.

"he's here? how is he?" i ask, sipping on my wine.

"he's okay, i guess." brooklyn shrugs. "he's here for press?"

"yeah, with capital." sophie butts in. "album three press and everything." she says, passing me a teriyaki chicken. "he looks happy, i suppose that's good."

"has he got a girlfriend?" brooklyn asks me.

"not that i know of." i shrug. "i don't know, when we talk it's usually a couple words here and there, nothing too important really." i sigh, taking a pair of chopsticks and picking up some of the chicken.

"should i invite him over?" i ask again, looking at my phone. "i mean, we're all friends with him, right?"

"do you want to invite him over?" sophie asks me, concerned.

"sophie, i've moved on, it's fine." i say, unlocking my phone and scrolling down my contact list. "hold on," i pause, bringing my phone to my ear, as sophie and brooklyn sigh, looking at each other.

"hello?" shawn answers, after a few rings.

"hey shawn! how are you?" i ask, a smile on my lips.

"oh hi anya, i'm good, how are you?" he asks with a chuckle.

"great, listen i heard you were in london, do you want to come to mine for drinks? sophie and brooklyn are here too." i bite my lower lip anxiously.

"can geoff come too? sorry i just don't want to ditch him." he laughs.

"of course, i'll text you my address now. see you in like half an hour?" i say, looking at my watch.

"alright, do you want me to get anything?" i shake my head, but then i realise he can't see me.

"no, it's fine." i laugh. "see you in a bit."

"bye." we hang up, and i place my phone beside me, as sophie, brooklyn and i quickly finish our meals. i quickly clean up the apartment, before the bell rings again, and i sigh, placing the containers from the takeout into my recycling bin.

i pull down the sleeves to my jumper, before i walk over to the front door, answering it, revealing shawn and geoff. i smile immediately, and i notice a bouquet of flowers in shawn's hands, and my heart swells. wait, what?

"hey!" he cheers, as we embrace each other, his body hear suddenly warming me up, and making a fuzzy feeling envelope my chest.

"hi!" i say, putting on an excited face, shocked at how i'm reacting. we pull away, and shawn hands me the bouquet of flowers.

"these are for you, well, for the place." he says, looking around my apartment.

"thank you so much, come on in." i hold the door open for him, as i greet geoff with a hug, smiling since i haven't seen him since last year. "geoff!" i cheer, making him laugh. "how are you?"

"i'm great, how are you? congratulations on getting this place." he says to me, pulling away from the hug.

"thank you, and i'm good." i laugh. "come in, make yourself at home." i shut the door behind geoff, seeing shawn greet brooklyn and sophie again. "okay, what do you guys want to drink?"

"do you have any beer?" shawn asks me.

"what sort of question is that? two beers then?" i ask shawn and geoff, the both of them nodding. i walk into the open plan kitchen, grabbing two beers from the fridge and cracking them open with a bottle opener. i hand the bottles to shawn and geoff. they both say quiet thank you's, as we all sit down on the couches.

"this is a really nice place you have, anya." shawn smiles at me, taking a sip of his beer.

"oh why did you just say that?" sophie groans, knowing what i'm about to say.

"apartment tour time!" i squeal, jumping up and pulling shawn up with me by the sleeve of his shirt. "but first, take off your shoes." i say, pointing to his feet.

"mind if i stay here? i'm exhausted." geoff says, leaning back on the sofa. i nod, pulling shawn away.

"okay, so, this is my kitchen." i say, showing him the black themed kitchen. "and then we have my dining room slash dining table." i laugh, walking to the kitchen island. shawn laughs at me, as i exit the room, into a corridor, opening one of the doors.

"this is the guest room." i say, showing him the large sized guest room, with an en suite bathroom.

"you have an en suite in your guest room?" shawn complains. "i only have an en suite bathroom in my room, and then a main bathroom which guests can use."

"perks of having a penthouse." i smirk, leaving the room, and opening the door to my room. "sorry about the mess, i'm studying, but this is my room." i say, showing him the very messy bedroom.

"your view is insane." he gasps, walking to the foot of my bed, and examining the view of the river. i blush, laughing softly.

"you can say a lot." i joke, making him chuckle. "okay, moving on the tour," i say, guiding him out of my bedroom and into the main bathroom. "and this is the main bathroom, and you've seen the main living room, but that's about it."

"it's like your old apartment in new york, i love it." shawn smiles at me.

"oh, wait!" i say, rushing out of my room and back to the main open plan room and kitchen, where the doors to the balcony are. i open up the balcony, revealing a large patio, a hot tub in the corner, and a perfect view of london. "this is my balcony."

"wow." he says, walking to the railing, resting his hands on it.

oh, those hands.

snap out of it, anya!

"how have you been?" i ask shawn softly, placing my hand on his arm. "really, how have you been?"

"i've been okay." he shrugs. "i went on a couple dates, nothing really worked out though."

"i'm sorry." i say to him, as he looks down at me, smiling sadly.

"i heard you and dan got together?" i blush softly, looking at the scenery.

"yeah, we did." i mumble, before slapping shawns arm.

"ow! what was that for?" he asks, rubbing his arm i just slapped.

"for you not moving on! we promised each other." i chuckle, making shawn laugh too. he trails off, his laugh going quiet.

"well, it's hard for me to move on." i freeze, as shawn takes a sip of his beer. "most nights i've been lonely, just me and a beer, watching the night pass away. i didn't think i could be attached to someone as much as i am to you." he mumbles.

"shawn..." i trail off, drawing patterns on his arm with my fingertips. "please find someone, at least try."

"i have tried!" he says, exhausted. "nothing's worked, i'm gonna be single for the rest of my life."

"that's not true." i say softly, placing my hand on his shoulder. "shawn, you have to let me go."

"well, it's too late for that." he spits out, finishing the contents of his beer bottle. "i'm sorry." he mumbles, realising his tone of voice.

"that's okay." i say, reassuring him. "how about we go back in?" i ask, as shawn nods. i let out a silent breath of relief, knowing that i don't have to be with him alone for any longer.

we walk back inside, taking our seats again, as we converse with the others like nothing ever happened.

why am i still so nervous? why is shawn still so upset? it's been months, i've moved on, i'm positive about it. maybe it's the fact that shawn still hasn't moved on?

"-should go." geoff yawns, after a couple hours of talking, and me zoning out every so often.

"yeah, so should we." brooklyn yawns, looking at sophie.

"thanks for the company guys." i smile softly, standing up along with the rest of them, as they get ready to leave my apartment. "thanks for the dinner, too." i say to brooklyn and sophie.

"no problem, you sounded like you needed a break." sophie tells me, placing her hand on my arm, yawning. "i'll see you soon, okay?"

"come over this weekend." i suggest, as she nods, embracing me in a hug.

"see you." i hug brooklyn goodbye, then geoff, before i'm left to say goodbye to shawn.

"move on, please." i whisper into shawns ear as i embrace his warm body. "you deserve so much love, shawn, so please try to find someone."

"i will." he mumbles, as we pull away from the hug. "i'll see you in june." he smiles gently at me.

"talk to laur again, maybe try things with her?" he ponders for a few minutes, before looking at me.

"i'll try that out." he shrugs. "thank you, anya."

"no problem." i say, leaning against my front door frame, as shawn and geoff leave the apartment. "have a safe trip back, you two."

"will do, goodnight anya." shawn says to me, before the two walk away, leaving me standing in my corridor alone. i shut the door, pulling the lock on it, before clearing up the main room quickly.

falling onto my bed, i take a long breath, snuggling up to my duvet. life is complicated.
-
okay, quick rant before i leave for a bit:
anya's character in this book is heavily confused, and it shows in the way she reacts to situations and presents herself in problems. she is a selfless character, and didn't want to hurt shawn more than she already had, and shawn understood that. he tells her it isn't her fault because in theory you can't help thinking and feeling things, and also that is how shawn and anya's situation was. please don't criticise ones actions, because you never know, it could be happening to someone in the world, and it would really hurt their feelings if you are calling them stupid for having a heart. thank you