chapter eight
feelings
[shawn mendes]
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that night, i don't sleep at all. instead, i sit on the window seat of anya's room, gazing out at the heavy snow flurry that captivates the usual sunny beach view. tears silently flow down my cheeks, as i think about the events of the past few weeks.

we were doing so well, i thought this would be it until i eventually take the next step and propose to her. why do good things always come to an end?

i look at my phone screen, checking the time quickly. 2:30am, 26th december 2017. sighing, knowing i probably won't get to sleep soon, i exit our room, walking down the steps, into the main hallway, hearing the tv on quietly. i scrunch my face up in confusion, before slowly walking towards the noise, seeing the large plasma screen on, projecting an episode of modern family into the large tv room.

"jeez, i thought you were a burglar or something." poppy laughs gently, turning the tv volume down slightly.

"you thought i was? i came downstairs and heard the tv, i got shit scared." we both share a small laugh, before i walk into the room, taking a seat on the other side of the couch. "why can't you sleep?"

"i uh," she sighs. "i found out my ex got my best friend pregnant. she's three months, and it's been two months since i broke up with my ex." she manages to get out.

"oh god, i'm so sorry to hear that." i say, sending her a solemn look. she shrugs, looking back at the tv.

"we weren't anything special, it was more of an extended one night stand." she says, bringing her knees up to her chest. "what about you? why are you up?"

"just stuff." i say softly. "i'm sure you know what's going on."

"i do, i'm sorry about that." she says. "what else has happened? i saw you two at the campfire, and you two hardly even spoke after lunch."

"w-we've decided to break up, as soon as i leave, but it's like we've broken up now." i look down at the floor, sighing, feeling the tears pool in my eyes once more. "if i lose contact with her, and she chooses him, tell me if she's happy. that's all i want for her." poppy looks at me sadly, before nodding.

"she loves you, you know that, right?" poppy says softly, turning the volume down on the tv completely. "when she told us, she felt so bad about it, she does feel so bad about the entire situation."

"i know she does, and that's why i said to end it." i sigh. "she deserves what she wants, and if she doesn't want me, she deserves to move on."

"go upstairs shawn." poppy says. "she needs you."

"i'd rather not." i quickly get out. "all i've been doing upstairs is crying." she makes an 'oh' expression, before turning up the volume of the tv. "you go upstairs though, whoever this guy is, he's stupid. you're still young, you're only 22, you're gonna meet someone soon, i assure you with that."

"thanks shawn." she yawns, standing up. "hope you feel okay tomorrow morning." she sends me a sympathetic smile, before walking out of the room, leaving me alone.

i continue to watch the tv show until about 6am, when tommy comes running down into the room, jumping at my presence there. i then notice peter and kelsey walking behind him, matthew held by peter.

"you're up early." peter tells me, as i turn down the tv volume. "is anya awake?"

"i don't know, i spent the night down here, couldn't sleep." i shrug, as tommy climbs onto the couch next to me. "morning buddy, how did you sleep?"

"can we play legos?" he asks me, standing up again and walking to a cabinet, pulling out a box of lego.

"sure, do you wanna play here?" he nods, tipping out the box, as i get off of the couch, sitting on the floor next to tommy, as we play with the legos.

"shawn, can you look after matt? peter and i need to get breakfast started." kelsey says, standing up and handing me matt.

"yeah, i'm fine with that." i smile, taking the baby from her arms. "hey little guy." i say, sitting him in my lap, watching him gurgle away, playing with my fingers.

"shawn, why do you always wear two rings? is that a third one?" tommy asks, looking at my fingers. i laugh softly, pointing at them.

"i normally switch them around, but i always wear this one," i say, pointing to the one anya got me, after i found out about the baby. "this is for the baby." i say, taking the ring off and handing it to tommy. "then this one, is from my fans." i say, pointing to another ring. "i lost my grandfathers one, which i found, but my fans got me this one when they found out, so i wear this one too, now."

"what about that one?" he says, pointing to the one i got yesterday, whilst handing me back my first ring. i quickly slip it on my finger, laughing softly.

"anya got this one for me, yesterday." i explain. "it has my first single engraved in a special code language onto it."

"oh." he states, going back to his lego. "do you give anya rings?"

"i've given her a few, yeah." i say, chuckling softly. "she only wears two now though, because she's given me back one."

"why?" tommy asks, confused.

"because she decided she didn't want it anymore." i say, referring to the engagement ring. "and we also broke up."

"oh." he says again, as i hold matthew tighter towards me, just so he won't escape and crawl away. "where is anya?"

"she's still asleep, i think." i say to him, as i look down at the baby in my arms, who's gurgling away as tommy makes funny faces as him. matthew lets out a squeaky giggle, making tommy let out a large laugh, eventually making me chuckle lightly.

"good morning!" jasmine chirps, nate following closely behind her. "oh, i thought more people would be down by now." she yawns, walking to the couch and sitting down. "shawn, you look exhausted, did you even sleep last night?"

"nah, couldn't sleep." i chuckle nervously. "can you look after these two? i'm gonna go upstairs quickly." jasmine nods, taking matt out of my arms, before herself and nate sit on the floor, playing with the two children. i quickly speed to the staircase, clambering up the steps, heading into anya's room, seeing her still fast asleep.

sighing, i open the covers to her bed, getting in next to her. it's only then i notice she's wide awake. "where have you been?" she mumbles quietly, as i hold her waist in my hands.

"downstairs, i've been awake all night." i mumble back, spooning her gently. she takes a shaky breath, sighing softly after. "i'm sorry, i just couldn't sleep."

"go to sleep now, you're exhausted, i can hear it in your voice." she whispers to me, turning around, so she's facing me. "shawn, have you been crying?"

"i've lost you." i mumble, my eyes filling with tears once again.

"shawn..." she trails off, cupping my cheek gently.

"just let me have this time with you." i manage to get out, before shutting my eyes, letting a few tears fall, as anya holds onto my, burying her head into my chest.

just the fact that she didn't reply to me makes me more and more certain whatever was between us has completely ended, and i've definitely lost her.

"shawn, go to sleep, love." she says softly, wriggling away from my grasp and exiting the bed.

"stay." i croak out, not facing her and laying on my side. "please." i choke, my tears freely flowing down my cheeks. she sighs once more, getting into the bed behind me, and wrapping her arms around my torso, as i feel her rest her head on my back.

"i'm so sorry." she whispers, trailing her fingertips over my back. "this is all my fault- i-i-"

"this isn't your fault." i whisper, turning over, wanting to comfort her instead. "don't blame yourself."

"y-you're heartbroken because of me." she stutters.

"anya..." i trail off, looking at her confused face. "we're doing this for the better."

"make love to me." she blurts out, not making eye contact with me. "make love to me," she repeats, slightly calmer, before looking up and linking our eyes together.

"i-i can't take advantage of you like that." i mumble, scanning her face for any sign of mercy.

"you're not gonna be taking advantage of me." she says. "i-i just need this."

"anya," i sigh, trailing off again.

"please?" she begs, slowly trailing kisses on my neck. "i know you need this as much as i do." she whispers, her hot breath blowing against my cool skin.

"oh for god sake." i mumble back, before attacking her lips with mine, flipping us over so she's on her back and i'm hovering over her.

"wait!" she sighs. "lock the door." i sigh, getting off of her, standing up and walking towards the door, locking in shut, before getting back into my position, planting my lips onto hers once more.

passion radiates through my body as i spill out all the love i have for her in me, holding her delicate body in my arms, as i tenderly trace my hands over her, well my, shirt, laying over her body. she lets me slowly take the t-shirt off, chucking it onto the floor next to us, as i attach my lips to her neck, pecking small kisses all over the exposed skin, making her moan softly.

i feel her fingers trail the hem of my shirt, as she slowly lifts it up, slipping her fingers underneath to trace over my back. i pull away, gazing at her, before planting my lips onto hers once again. she slowly slides my shirt over my head, chucking it on the pile now forming on the floor of her room.

"s-shawn," she moans, as i move my hands to behind her back, unclasping her bralette, letting the lace material run down her arms, before i take it off completely, adding it to the pile.

she cups my cheek gently, knotting her legs with mine, before flipping us over, so she's straddling me.

"make love to me." she whispers, leaning down and pressing her lips to mine. i turn us over, so i'm on top again, running my hands through her silky hair.

she drives me wild.
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anya lays in my arms, an afterglow of intimacy coating our bodies, the white sheets loosely hung to our skin, as i slowly run my fingertips over anya's shoulder. i feel her knot her fingers together with the fingers on my spare hand, as she looks up at me gently, pressing a kiss to my jawline.

"i-i'm sorry if i made you feel used." she says softly. "i didn't mean to if i did."

"you didn't make me feel used." i whisper back, looking down at her, unblinking our hands so i can tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "anya, i'm so helplessly in love with you."

"i know." she says. "and a part of me is in love with you too, it's just i can't say it."

"i get it." i remind her softly. "we should go and grab some breakfast."

"you haven't slept yet, at all." anya tells me quietly. "how about i bring breakfast up here and we can have a relaxed day?"

"that sounds perfect." i smile softly, pecking her lips gently, before she gets up, pulling one of my shirts on, and a pair of shorts, before walking out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

i might as well make the most of being with her. after all, we only have days left.
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notifs look a bit empty so i'll give you an update!! haha