Dear Past

Dear Past,

Please don't repeat yourself.
I won't be able to withstand it.
I'll lose faith.
I know you know I'm a stubborn soul.
But that doesn't mean you go on testing me.
I can't face it again.
My heart will be crushed.
Try to understand.
Just this once.
Make things right.
Don't break them apart.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life picking up fallen pieces.
Don't you think its enough?
I've changed.
Yes!
Sadly, I have.
I don't have same feeling anymore.
Maybe cause I know what's going to happen.
I've gone too far away from myself.
I want to come back.
And I was on my way.
Close enough.
Within reach.
But you pushed me away.
I couldn't get hold of myself.
I'm a failure.
It's all my fault.
All I want is,
To set my life right.
Its not difficult.
Its just complicated.
Its complicated because of everyone else around me.
Don't they realize?
That its me who have to live my life.
It's getting late.
Stupid promises!
Stupid forevers!
Stupid personalities!
I hate myself!
I hate this world!
But.
I know...
I'll start loving it once more.
One word.
One smile.
One care.
One love.
Is enough,
To melt me down.
To wipe away my tears.
To bring a smile across my face.
To get my heart to love again.
Love hurts!
A lot!
More than you know!
Its what the world revolves around...
Its why there are fights.
Its why there are wars.
Its why there are expectations.
Its why people die and live.
I want to run away.
Away from certain people.
Away from certain rules.
Away from certain traditions.
Away from the worries.
I want to run away!
Yet,
Stay close enough.
I'm the designer of my own catastrophe.
I ruined my life with my own hands.
I was guided yet I chose to go the other way.
I went for what was hidden. Rather than, for what was out in the open.
Why didn't I just stick to the straight path?
Why did I go into the woods to create a path of my own?
This path could've been the best.
Only if she was with me.
I had a plan.
I was right.
It was perfect.
Why didn't time wait?
Why did it had to go and ruin everything up?

I used to begin with the end in mind.
Now, I just charge ahead in instinct.
I was the one who lightened things up.
Now, I'm just a burden.
I had a life!
My feelings were hidden, pricelessly with in me.
Now, they are out there, lying worthlessly in the open.
I was what she was proud of.
Now, I'm what she's ashamed of.
I was open.
Now, I'm entrapped.
I was free.
I jumped into this stupid box and got trapped.
I've lost the keys.
No effort seems good enough to find it..
I'm a waste.
I hate these tears dwelling in my eyes.
They threaten to fall.
I don't care.
I don't!
I don't care!
I don't want to...
I'm as calm as it can be.
But look deep inside.
There's a demon trapped.
Tied in loose chains.
Ready to come out.
Ready to cause a tantrum.

How can I do this?
Why am I doing this?
Why am I so weak?
I'm the prisoner of my own hands.
WHY WONT SOMEONE TELL ME WHATS RIGHT!!!!!??
Maybe cause I haven't asked...
But why haven't?
It's cause I know they'd just give me directions..
I don't need directions .
I needs reasons to change my directions.
That's what I ask for.

Its not a big deal!!!!!!!!
I know.
But...
I'm afraid it'll become big.

KAT

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