The clock read midnight when Brainy finally moved. His joints had long since gone stiff: when he tried his foot was numb from pins and needles. That felt odd and make trying to stand near impossible. He rotated his ankle a few times, trying to get some feeling back into it. It helped somewhat but it did give somewhat of a delay to proceedings. He was worn out but now wasn't the time to sleep. It was time to act, time to make things better for everysmurf. He went over to his wardrobe and grabbed the large satchel he used to use when gathering ingredients for Papa or transferring books and tossed it onto the bed. He grabbed several pairs of extra clothes and placed them into the satchel, making sure to put the glasses in the side so they didn't end up getting crushed by heavier items that were going to go in soon.

He carefully added the ingredients, making sure they were wrapped in softer layers so they wouldn't break. That would be both a waste of ingredients and he also didn't want all of his stuff ruined or filled with broken glass. He wasn't going to bother taking the first aid kit. If he got hurt then so be it. He had to carry the heavy cauldron separately and silently thanked his decision to get a small portable one unlike Papa's bulkier one for mass potions. He went outside into the dimly lit village, being as quiet as he could so he didn't wake up anysmurf or draw unnecessary attention to himself. That would make this impossible as he couldn't think of a believable lie for him to be out with so much stuff this late. To be fair it was unlikely anysmurf would be out although if they were and they told Papa he would be in a lot of trouble since he was already grounded. Not that life here could get much worse though.

He finally reached the end of the village where the thick part of the forest began. He glanced back and where everything he knew he was and where his whole life had been. From the outskirts the village always seemed at its best. At night it was even better because he couldn't see the smurfs who hated him or made it feel like he didn't belong or wasn't wanted. Looking back when it was silent made it almost tempting to head back towards the village. Then he shook his head to himself and turned away, heading into the forest and away from the place that didn't feel like home for a long time. Now the others wouldn't have to deal with the 'village headache' and he finally didn't have to feel like he had to confine himself to his mushroom to stop other smurfs hurting him.

He was exhausted but he kept walking long past the sunrise making it easily eight hours of walking by the time he finally reached a hollow. He climbed a tree, putting his stuff in the hollow of it, and examined the area carefully. There was a clean water supply which would definitely come in handy. There were some potatoes and vegetables growing at the edge of the area so he wouldn't starve and he already knew how to build a fire so it would cook. He already had shelter and if it got cold he could wrap a spare hat around his shoulders like a blanket. He yawned, rubbing his eyes, knocking his glasses askew. After so long walking and the vast amount of stress he had been under lately he definitely needed some sleep. He curled up in a small ball, the weight of what he had done finally settling in.

He wanted to cry but he was too numb and tired. He missed the days of delusion where he thought somesmurf cared but by running away he had made it impossible to ever create that illusion again. He wondered if anysmurf would even notice he had left. He doubted it. No smurf had noticed him slowly isolating himself more and more. No smurf noticed him become quieter. Why notice this? Then again Gutsy had but the brainiac was still convinced the brave smurf was only being nice.

Wrapping his arms around himself as some form of comfort he curled up even smaller, pressing his back against the surface of some of his bag. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind so he could finally have a peaceful sleep. He did end up getting sleep but, as was often the case for him, he wasn't granted the luxury of it being peaceful.

He was back in the village. The sky was completely grey and everything was tinted a darker colour, even the blue skin tone smurfs possess and the mushrooms. Why am I back here? Didn't I leave? Everysmurf was ignoring him as usual but there was something else going on. When he was near one of them they kept walking right at him until he stepped out of the way. No smurf so much as blinked at Brainy being in their way, not even Hefty. Something was going on. He figured that Gutsy at least had been nice lately so he tried standing in his path to see if he at least would notice him. If not he could put up with being knocked over given that would hurt a lot less than being kicked out. Gutsy didn't stop and ended up walking right through Brainy, as if he was a ghost leaving an icy feeling going through him. He was more invisible than ever and it was exceedingly clear nosmurf cared.

There were sudden screams piercing the village and when he looked in the direction that the screams were coming from his blood ran cold. Gargamel with is wand aimed directly at everyone as he sent them flying into cages. The essence...it was what he had gathered from Brainy that time he was captured. This was his fault, everysmurf was being captured. The screams got louder, filling his head and he was becoming more transparent by the second. There was nothing he could do; everysmurf he cared about was going to be destroyed.

He woke up, still in the hollow, hardly able to breathe. It took him a few moments to realise where he was and it had just been a dream. It wasn't real: he had probably made them safer by leaving so his issues wouldn't create more issues for them. Still the nightmare had deeply unsettled him and again the feeling of no one caring, even in a dream, twisting him up inside painfully. He still cared. Why did he still care? He didn't want to! Everything was painful when he cared. He glanced at the sky and the position of the sun he had probably had less than an hours sleep. He was worn out and his eyes were barely staying open but he didn't want to sleep. Not after that. He chewed on his lip, watching the leaves fall. He stared at the satchel full of ingredients, giving up on his hesitation. He was going to do the actual plan and to smurf with the consequences.

It was night time he took action; he had to wait for the tiger lily he had gathered to lose all air in the glass container so it would disintegrate when touched. All of the ingredients were organised where he needed them and lined up in perfect order. The cauldron was in front of him and with a lot of concentration he managed to get it started. His eyes had large bags under them from the sheer exhaustion he felt as he stared into the depths. They were narrowed in focus, both on the spell and the effort to not fall asleep where he stood. This was it, the make or break moment. Not that things breaking meant much anymore given how fractured his life had become but that hardly mattered to anysmurf, not even him. How everything broke left him where he was now. Far from home and safety but then again where for him had either of those qualities. Nowhere. This hollow may be dark, damp and admittedly scary but he finally had a choice in where he was and what happened to him.

He hesitated for a moment, sending a flash of self hate shooting through him, as a small thought tugs for his attention. He has already been broken so many times so why risk breaking himself even further with yet more failure. Wasn't everything about him a failure though? Everysmurf else seemed to think so. What if this doesn't work though, he created this spell so there was no guarantee. Not to mention that several of the ingredients were poisonous so there was a chance of death. The thing was, he no longer cared. Failure was a distinct possibility and that would confirm what everysmurf said about him. Then again so would not trying at all. If he succeeded there wouldn't be any more of this version of himself, the pathetic waste of space nosmurf wanted. He would be somesmurf entirely different who might not even care what others thought rather than somesmurf whose self faded each day as his self-hate intensified. Maybe it would numb the deep gnawing in his chest that constantly got worse. No longer hesitating he began the spell.

Dead tiger lily replaced tiger lily to make the essence reverse from blue. Crystallised honey instead of the royal jelly. The thimble of foxglove pollen instead of mimosa which was one of the poisonous ingredients but worth the risk. A drop of mushroom oil, again poisonous, instead of the dried elm mushrooms. Dried thistles instead of mink oil. One hateful truth instead of loving...coming up with just one was hard but channelling his darkest thoughts and moments certainly helped. Apricot stones instead of hellebore seeds. The boswellia stayed the same.
"And less this spell be all for naught, the final thing: one hopeless thought." There was a flash, then nothing.

Disappointment filled him at his failure. He had tried but it hadn't been enough. Yet again he had amounted to nothing. Even the poison hadn't done anything. Then, after a long moment, a stone grey speck left the cauldron and went through his chest right above the heart. Again nothing. But then, starting at the tips of his fingers, his complexation slowly began to turn grey.