TW: suicide, SH, alcohol abuse, brief mention of violence

Tiffany

Of course I found out Bee tried to kill herself on the anniversary of my mother's death. Seems like one date in the year was chosen and selected as 'Tiffany's Big Day Where Everyone She Knows And Loves Commits Suicide'. Or TBDWESKALCS for short.

Truth is we can't do anything in her memory. Father gets too sad and guilty and because he's big boss man he can't have a moment of vulnerability with his children. He just goes to work earlier, goes out drinking for the night, and comes back at 3 in the morning.

I waited up for him. I don't know why. When he crawled in at 3, I regretted it instantly. He looked at me and cried, telling me how much I looked like her and how badly it hurt and how I could never understand a loss like this one.

I lost so much more when she died than he could know.

He's never at home these days. I barely see him, and when I do, he's drunk; or angry; or tired. He's not him anymore. I didn't just lose my mother; I lost my father too.

I have 2 siblings. I'm the eldest. Keziah is 11, Nathaniel is 9. All my free time is spent on them. My grades are slipping and I'm unbelievably stressed.

Nobody knows about this, of course. I'm the cool one. The reliable one. The rich one. I don't have the heart to let them think I'm anything other than that.

I worry. I feel sick at the thought of the future. I'm going to have to go to college. What will happen to my siblings? They know nothing of half of what my father has become. They don't know I stay up to make sure he doesn't follow my mother's footsteps. They don't know how many times I've had to clean his arms while pretending none of it bothers me in the slightest because if he couldn't rely on me, who could he rely on? They don't know that the one time I was brave enough to beg him to stop he slapped me so hard my head was sent reeling.

Nobody knows. Nobody knows what it's like.

I can't help but feel a certain resentment towards my mother. She was the happiest soul alive. Well, I always thought that, but if she was, I wouldn't have found her in the bathroom in a pool of crimson water, would I? How could she have derailed this family? How could she have done that to me?

And yet I know she deserved help. Help she didn't get. She was a wonderful mother.

She was.