21 ➳ FOR GLENN RHEE

THE days went by...

I was starting to lose my mind a little bit.

Everything from obeying Negan's every order to protecting Daryl at all costs to even trying to avoid Dwight altogether... I was losing myself — and who I have always been.

Most days, I find myself locked away in my room — unless I am due to do something else for Negan. Every night, before I lay my head to go to sleep, I am up and writing in my personal journal. I keep it under the mattress, so that nobody will hopefully not find it.

I do not necessarily start off every new page with Dear Diary, but I do write in it every night to keep myself somewhat sane. I write letters, poems, and scribble some drawings down, too. I have written a letter to each person back at home, even Glenn and Abraham, too.

Every time that I go to write one for Maggie, though... I cannot seem to do it. I cannot place that pen onto paper without feeling overwelming guilt. Not even writing those letters to those who have passed away get me like this. I feel guilt every time that I think of Maggie — and her unborn child, too.

The way that she reacted when I was being dragged away... She cared about me and my safety. Yet, every time that her back was turned, I was undressing her husband with my eyes. There is only one way to put it...

I was in love with Glenn Rhee. In the short time that I knew him, I had fallen for those eyes. I see why Maggie loved him... He was damn near perfect.

I wanted to put that in the letter that I could probably give her one day, but she will never forgive me, though. She will not ever forget, no matter what happens. She will always look to me with disgust and hatred, and I cannot live the rest of my life with that. Yet, somehow, I cannot let this guilt go until I finally confess to her.

What would I say to her, though? Dear Maggie, I'm sorry that I was in love with your husband. I hope that you take care. Sincerely, Tess. This is straight bull-crap.

I have been for over two weeks now, so it's been well around sixteen days so far. I am losing my touch with reality. I really miss everyone, alive and dead. I miss having people to be around to tell your problems to and to just have a really good laugh with when you need it.

So, when I woke up on the sixteenth day of being at Camp Hell, I did not even want to get up and start my day. I have been feeling like that a lot lately. I have become so depressed with myself and what I have turned into, it is not even funny anymore.

However, just as I ignored the alarm clock on my bedside table once again, I heard my bedroom door open and close within two seconds of each other. Nobody could get in here, unless they had a key — and only about five people in the whole place had them, so this could be any one of them.

I was curled up and buried under the covers, tightening my grip on the inside of them underneath my chin. "Go away," I groaned out to whoever it was, even if it was Negan. "I don't want to get up. I don't feel good."

"Yes, you are," I suddenly heard and recognized the very familiar voice of Dwight say to me. I could practically feel him hovering over my bed, too. "Now, get up and let's get going."

"Leave me alone," I demanded of him, bringing the cover over my head to bury myself. "You're not my probation officer, so just leave me the hell alone today."

He did not say anything immediately, and I was silently hoping that meant he was giving up. Yet, it did not because, just as I began to close my eyes again, I heard him messing around with my things. As long as he did not find my journal that is underneath my mattress, I did not care what else he will find.

However, this is when I felt something be thrown at my feet on top of the blanket over my body. I did not know what it was, but — before I knew it — the covers were being dragged off of my cold and fragile body. I tried to catch them, but it was no use before he had it curled up in a ball in his arms and tossed it to the side.

"Get up," he simply demanded, signaling over to the clothes that were now laid out on the naked bed. "Put those clothes on because we're rolling out in ten minutes."

"Ten minutes?" I repeated, my eyebrows together in confusion. "Dwight, what the hell? Where are we going?"

"You and me are going somewhere for a couple of hours," he replied, seemingly sincere about it. "Meet me in the side parking lot in ten minutes. I mean it. Let's go."

Before I could say anything else, he had opened the door and closed it behind himself as I heard him lock it from the outside. I'm assuming that he didn't want anyone else to come inside while I have to change... for him.

Without any other self-questioning, I took a huge deep breath, rubbed my face, and stood up. I picked up each piece of clothing that he had thrown at me and studied them. I cannot believe that he knew my style so well because these are the clothes that I would wear on any casual day.

Almost against my will, I put on the clothes that he had laid out for me one by one. I still have not fully forgiven him for what occurred the other day between us. He broke my heart, lifted my spirits, then crumbled my heart back into the palm of his hands once again.

These days, I do not know what has been going on with me. My emotions are up and down, and usually always ends with me feeong completely crazy. I have began to actually really hate myself as of late. Every single day always seems like it is going to be my last and, when is not, it is emotionally draining and a total let-down, too.

After leaving my room and locking it up for the day, my new black leather jacket was the very last thing that I grabbed before I left. After slipping it on in the hallway and flipping my braided ponytail out of the way, I continued on to my journey of finding the side parking lot that I was required to meet Dwight.

Very few people greeted me on my way out as I have tried not to get close to any of them, except for Alden, maybe. At this point, I am honestly thinking that he is the one good seed in this whole garden of evil. He is pretty decent and kind-hearted.

After having to ask someone for directions to the side-entrance, I finally found it and had to push the door open with all of my might. It is one of those kind of doors that is so damn hard to function.

I immediately found Dwight right there in the middle of the small parking lot. It was filled with at least a dozen or so motorcycles lined-up next to one another. I am going to go ahead and bet money that one of these belong to Daryl. However, Dwight already had one of them out and was kneeled down next to it – trying to fix it, apparently.

I slowly approached him, even though he could clearly see me coming. I stood on the other side of the motorcycle, rested most of my weight on my left side, and crossed my arms over my chest.

"What's going on? Why am I here for?" I began to question him, wanting answers on the very spot. "You gonna teach me how to fix a motorcycle or something?"

He glanced up at me with his daring blue eyes that he had with his mouth ajar. He was wiping down something on the bike with a dirty red rag. "Nah, I ain't gonna be teaching you how to," he grunted and slowly shook his head. "Unless you want me to teach you, then I will."

I opened my mouth to decline his offer, but quickly fell back to being dead silent. If I spent time with him on fixing bikes, then that would mean that I did not have to do something else. This is why I agreed — and because I do not know how much longer that I will be here for.

"Sure, Dwight," I agreed, slowly nodding. "You can teach me, but I'm thinking that's not why you asked me out here for. What's up?"

He sighed loudly, dropping the dirty rag off to the side, and jumped up to my feet. He took a moment to dust himself off, mostly his pants in the knees area because this is where he was mostly at just now. His pants were already so dirty and, no matter how much he sweeps them off, they will never help his situation until he finds a proper washer and dryer.

"We're going on a trip, me and you," he suddenly confessed, finally letting the truth out. "It'll only take a couple of hours to get to there and back. You up for it?"

"Hell yeah, I am," I breathed out, feeling a whole lot of weight lift off of my shoulders. "Being anywhere, but here would be great."

"Yeah, about that," Dwight suddenly sighed out, placing his hands on the handles of his motorcycle while still standing beside it. "I honestly think that you'll actually want to be here for once instead of where we are going. But, this is where you need to go... To finally let the past go."

I did not know what he meant by that, but I do not really have enough time to question him further. My eyes were squinted together in confusion, but he was not going to let me ask anything else.

He jumped on the front of his bike and steadied it, kicking the stand off the ground. "Hop on." He motioned for me to get on with his head. "You won't need a helmet, though, right?"

I shook my head before carefully throwing my right leg over the bike, slipping my fingers to latch onto Daryl's signature vest that Dwight wore (for some strange reason), so that I would not fall over – with my clumsy luck. Once I was on, I placed my hands on each of his shoulders to level myself while he cranked it up.

"Hold on," he simply instructed, so I quickly wrapped my arms around his waist.

He was warm and felt so comfortable. Before the world was this way, I would have overlooked someone like him. Now, I sort of do not want to let him go.

Then, he took off and we left the place of evil in the wind of dust and dirt while I kept my head laid on his back.

I did not recognize the area or understand why we were here until I spotted the dry blood splatters on the dusty ground.

My heart stopped. It froze like it this place was buried in layers of snow and I was starting to die from hyperthermia. Somehow, I managed to get off of the bike and took about five steps forward until my legs collapsed underneath me.

I fell to the ground, my knees feeling the firsts lick of pain, as I crawled the rest of the way there. I knew that I was in shock, but did not know how severe it was.

Then, when the tears started to slowly come out, each tear felt like it weighed over ten-pounds each and were rock-solid.

I do not understand why Dwight brought me here, but I did not need to be here. Not after what happened. I was sitting on my knees between the two spots that were still somehow visible after all this time.

To my right is where Abraham's head was crushed in by Lucille. Then, to my left, was the spot where Glenn's head was crushed in, too. Dwight had brought me back here, but for what?

Before I could ask him, though, he had already started to explain himself, "I brought you here because..." He paused, biting down on his bottom lip for a moment as he stood by his bike. I had started looking up at him through a veil of tears to understand why. "Because... You deserve to say goodbye. To... To your friends. Am I right?"

I could not even find the words to speak, much less function my insane mind at the moment. I could not find the will to open my mouth and say anything back to him, but maybe it was not wanting me to say anything back at all.

I was officially and utterly broken.

"This is where it happened at," Dwight began to narrate the whole entire scene all over again. "This is where your friends died at. This is where I allowed them to die at. This is where Negan killed them both right in front of you and the rest of your friends. This is where—"

"I know," I choked out, talking more through my nose than my mouth. I was shivering, even though it was not very cold outside, and had turned my head away and held my hand up at him. "I just know, alright? I was there..."

Dwight had fallen silent again, allowing me the time and quiet to focus on what was at my sides. Like he said, this is where it all happened at. This is where I lost them. He wanted me to say goodbye and to give me the chance to leave the past in the past. I do not know why, but I wanted to actually thank him for this opportunity. Or, well, hit him, too... But, that will come much later.

I found myself floating back and forth from Glenn's spot to Abraham's, waiting for them to suddenly reappear. I see Glenn everywhere that I go. I know that he is very disappointed in me and I could not blame him. He will never leave me alone until I am back home again. Yet, do I want him to, though? No, not really.

However, I know that I have to let go of him one way or another. Today is going to be that day. I am no longer going to cry over my losses and pity myself until I have a nice bullet as my last meal.

Glenn would want me to live and to live happily. So would Abraham, who always wore a smile on his face and ready to laugh.

Glenn followed me around because he wants me to return back home — back to Alexandria, where we were headed back to before we were caught and taken by the Saviors. He follows me around because I think that he wants me to let go of the past, too. He wants me to let go of him and to forgive myself because I could not save him.

Thinking of all this, I began to sob even more as my back shook with each escaping cry. I had my left hand on my face to shield myself while my right was placed on the ground beside me to keep me from falling. I grabbed the gravel and rock, taking it into the palm of my hand. I felt the pain come from the rocks cutting into my palm. I did not care, though.

"Glenn," I finally managed to croak out his name, as if, he was sitting there right in front of me to listen. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. I'm sorry that it's all my fault that you're dead, too. I'm sorry that I have failed you once again. And, I'm sorry that I loved you more than I should have."

I felt Dwight's eyes on my back, burning a hole in it. Again, I did not care. I came here to air the rest of my grievances out, so that I can finally move on with my life. Yet, I will always still be without a few puzzle pieces and I will always feel so empty inside, too.

"Abe," I cried out the fearless ginger's name out next, slightly turning to where his faded blood stain was at. "I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry that you had to go out the way that you did. I'm sorry that I couldn't save you, either. I'm sorry that I didn't spend enough time with you. And, I'm sorry that I can't forgive myself for not being there for you."

The sobs fled from my body like it was a burning building. I could not keep it in anymore and I was starting to blab, not caring what was going to come out of my mouth next.

"You two deserved better than what you both got in the end," I began to speak more calmly. "You deserved to go out fighting, not on your knees for some asshole that did not deserve to take your life away, either. You both deserved better."

To Abraham, I promised, "Abe, I promise to take care of Sasha — even if I never see her again. I promise to look out for Rosita, too, and Eugene as well. I promise that I'll never forget about you and all of your hilarious jokes, too. I promise..."

To Glenn, I struggled to say to him, "A-And, Glenn... I promise that I'll always take care of Maggie and the baby — if they made it. I promise to always look out for everyone, just like you did. You always made sure that everyone was happy and taken care of, and I will do the same again one day. And, Glenn... I promise — I swear to God — that I will never, ever forget you. I..."

My voice trailed off, just as the tears poured out of my eyes like waterfalls. I could not bare to speak anymore, but I had so much more that I had to say before leaving here. They deserved that much.

"Glenn, I know that I told you all the time, but... I loved you," I admitted, my voice now becoming hoarse from all that crying. "I... I still love you. Nothing will ever change that. You'll always be in my heart. Before you were taken away, it was like we both somehow knew that it was over."

I sighed, placing my right hand over my heart. I legitimately felt like I was about to have heart attack because I was aching that bad. This was so unbearable.

"Why? Just... Why couldn't you both have been saved?" I whispered, probably being the most quietest thing that I have said so far. Yet, I still think that Dwight heard me.

You would have died, too, Tess, I heard someone's voice whisper in my air after feeling a chill run down my spine.

"Glenn?"

Dying is stupid, the chilling voice returned, sounding awfully familiar. Anyone could die, even you. But... It's not your time yet. You've got to let go, Tess. It's time. Just let go already.

I did not say anything, just blinked because of the confusion. I was not the Ghost Whisperer.

Please, the voice suddenly began to beg of me. Stay alive. If not for yourself, then for all the people back home that need you the most. Stay alive for... Maggie and the baby.

"Glenn, I—"

I have a good feeling that it's going to be a boy, the voice interrupted, sounding very sincere and so fucking real, too. So, do me a favor, Tess, and... Stay alive for them. They need you.

I kept shaking my head, trying to fight everything away. I was trying to fight off the pain, suffering, and the voice — that I do not even know if it is real or not. It may just be my insanity taking its final toll on me.

You can do it, Tess, the voice reassured me, seemingly getting closer to me. I believe in you because... You're going to make a great mother and wife someday. You're going to make so many people happy, especially the one that you'll come home to every night and your kids, too. You're going to find your happiness again, Tess.

I couldn't fight this feeling anymore. This was Glenn's voice. He is talking to me. He is finally reaching out and telling me everything that I need to hear right now.

"I'll never forget you," I cried to the voice, apparently being Glenn. "I'll always love you, too."

You're the most fearless person that I ever knew. Just remember: You can't control what has already happened... But you can control what happens next. You get to decide how your story ends, the voice began to conclude. And, Tess... I love you more.

Then, just like that... He was gone again.

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