❝ She wasn't sad anymore. She was numb and she knew, somehow, numb was worse. ❞
— ATTICUS —

Maybe I fainted after I found out the bitter news about Carl. Or, I possibly briefly died. I just went to sleep and didn't wake up, but I did, though. I woke up and had to face reality.

Carl was bit and that means that he was going to die. Immediately, I wanted to take my anger out on someone — anyone — but that just wouldn't be fair. Then, when I heard Carl try to explain how it happened. He said that it was when he was out yesterday — after I had let him go off on his own — when he was helping his new friend, Saddiq.

Honestly, I didn't want to be mean to Saddiq. I wanted to be nice towards Carl's new friend, but... My hands had other plans. So, that's when I practically jumped on Saddiq and placed my hands around his neck. I could faintly hear Carl's pleads for me to stop and that it wasn't Saddiq's fault.

I was trying to choke Saddiq to death, but Daryl and Tara were there to yank me off of him — just in time. Afterwards, they held each of my arms back and Saddiq coughed.

"It is not his fault," Carl said once again, our eyes connecting. "I know that you're sad right now and that is easily coming to anger, but Saddiq is a doctor and can help you all after I am gone."

I couldn't face the facts right now, so I just looked at Carl with my fully-glassed eyes before struggling to get out of Daryl and Tara's grip before walking down passed everyone, so that I could be alone.

I brought my knees to my chest and laid my head down on them, using my arms bury my head in there and cry.

After Rick and Michonne finally showed up, I made sure to stay away and to give them their space. I hadn't stopped crying yet. I was mourning over the boy that wasn't even gone yet, but he will be soon, though. Soon.

Carl had showed his bite wound to them tried to explain that his bite was not the Saviors' fault and that it happened while he was helping Siddiq. Later, I am sure that I will apologize to Saddiq for trying to kill him, but not right now.

I was too heartbroken.

This wasn't like when I lost Izzy or anyone else before her. This isn't like any death that I have went through before. This one felt so much more personal in a way that I couldn't describe. I didn't know how, but it was more personal and heartbreaking.

When I had to watch Abraham and Glenn both die right in front of me, that crushed me beyond compare. When Daryl and I were kidnapped and held at the Sanctuary against our will, I thought that I couldn't escape or become even more broken. Negan broke me, though. He found a way to do just that.

Then, we escaped and that's when we lost both Sasha and Izzy back-to-back. We have lost everyone and everything, and for what? Just so Negan can burn Alexandria to the ground and take Carl in the process, too? Although Negan and the Saviors had nothing to do with Carl being bitten, Negan still caused this.

Just yesterday, I was telling Daryl and Tara of how I didn't want to kill them all. Kill the Saviors, that is. Maybe I didn't make it quite clear that I wanted Negan dead, though. I do want Negan dead, for everything that he has done to us. What he took away from us.

I am going to kill Negan with my bare hands.

I heard something that drew me away from my thoughts and it was Dwight, who sat down next to me with ease, due to his shoulder-injury. "Hey," he said, his voice hoarse. "I would ask if you're alright, but I already know the answer to that."

I slowly nodded, still looking down at my hands that met on my knees, and kept quiet. I actually couldn't find the words the say to him just yet. I felt very numb and broken.

"I want to make it better for you, Tess," he whispered and reached over, grabbing ahold of my right hand with his. He interviewed our fingers together and rested our twisted hands on my knee. "What can I do to make it better for you?"

I looked straight at him, plain and stained face, and deadpanned: "I don't feel a thing anymore. I used to be so sad and broken, but, now, I'm just so... numb. Or, maybe, I do feel something and I just don't want to anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore."

"Tess..."

"Should I be scared?" I asked through a new veil of tears, shaking my head to keep the rest of them inside. "Should I be scared that I feel so numb, that I'm so used to the pain of loss by now?"

He couldn't answer that as she squeezed my hand and leaned in, lightly pressing my head on his injured shoulder. He didn't mind it at all and, so, I closed my eyes and tried my best to drain the rest of the tears out...

Before I will have to say my final goodbye later.

Later came and went. Saddiq gave Carl medicine and explained that he was a medical resident. Meanwhile, Rosita suggested they we all flee to the Hilltop while the Saviors are destroying Alexandria above us while Dwight pointed out that the Saviors will soon run out of ammo and insisted that we stay put until the siege is over.

I didn't care anymore. I heard them all talking and occasionally glancing down at me with pity-eyes. My hands were out on my knees and shaking, like I hadn't ate for a week or something. A small part of me would rather rot down here in this sewer than to return back to the Hilltop, looking for donations or something.

I also heard Carl when he tried to urge Rick and Michonne to stop fighting the Saviors after he's gone. Then, after a while, we didn't hear anything above ground. Daryl and Tobin resurfaced to confirm that the Saviors had, indeed, left Alexandria. Finally.

Now, we had to say goodbye to one another. I slowly climbed to my feet and walked towards Carl, after hearing that Rick insisted on staying in Alexandria with him, who won't make it, while the rest of us travel to the Hilltop.

Daryl took Judith, so that Michonne could stay with Rick and Carl, too. Carl said an emotional farewell to his little sister, telling her that sometimes kids must show their parents the way, and gives her his sheriff's hat. I started to cry again while Siddiq vowed to honor Carl by showing everyone that his choice to save him mattered.

Then, it was my turn to say goodbye.

The tears were pouring out and I just grabbed ahold of the sides of his head. We looked into each other's eyes, which I demanded that we do, and I had my teeth gritted for a moment.

"That can't be possible," I whined, letting the tears fall. "No, no, no... Carl, please..."

With that said, I used his head to throw him into me and we hugged while my arms were tightened around his neck and his were wrapped around my small body. I sobbed on his shoulder and he did the same on mine.

I ran my hand through his hair while I still could and took a final note of the scent. It reeked of fire, smoke, and death. It was an unnatural smell, yet I found comfort in it because this was the last time that I would be able to be around him ever again.

I was going to miss this kid more than I ever thought that I would. I would miss his charm, voice, dimples, smile, faded freckles, blue eyes, long and luscious hair, and his laugh. I would miss everything about him. Every single thing.

I'm going to miss the kid within him and the adult that he was becoming. I'm going to miss having him around to remind me that I'm going to be alright and to laugh at my sarcastic jokes. I'm going to miss this kid more than life, itself, and he's not even officially gone yet.

I took care of him like he was own. When he was in the Sanctuary, I took him under my wing and gave him shelter from Negan the best that I could. I loved this kid. I love him so much that I would die for him right here and now.

"I'm gonna miss you so much, Carl," I continued to cry on his shoulder and shook with each escaping sob. "I'll never forget you, kiddo."

"I'm going to miss you more," he whispered back into my ear and squeezed me extra harder. "I'll wait for you, Tess... On the other side."

Just as he said that, his voice broke and that only made me squeeze him even harder. He was like my annoying and lovable little brother all in one, yet... He was like the son that I've never had and probably never will, either.

Nevertheless, he was still my kid and I loved him more than I loved myself, to be honest. I made him my whole entire world and dedicated myself to take care of him for as long as I was alive.

Yet... I had failed to take care of him, just like I had failed to take care of Izzy, too. Again, I was the one that was left behind and continued to watch every single person that I have ever loved be taken away from me one by one.

All I could think about was that I let him go the other day, out into the woods by himself. I let him go, even when I had that bad feeling in my stomach as he walked away. I caused this and, now, I'm dealing with the consequences.

Finally, we began to separate as we both had to wipe away our nasty tears. I held onto his hand only a second longer before somebody had come up behind me and began to drag me away. If they didn't, I wouldn't ever leave him.

"No, no, no," I exclaimed as whoever it was, most likely Daryl, was taking me away. I struggled to get out of his arms to return back to Carl, as I kicked my feet on the other side. "I have to stay! Carl, please..."

Carl was obviously very hurt by my cries and pleas, yet he knew that it was time for me to let him go already. "It's okay," he cried in a way that it really wasn't okay at all. "I will miss you."

Daryl, who I knew it was now, finally got me back up on my own two feet. Somebody else came up beside me on my right side and threw their arm with mine. "C'mon, Tess," Tara now whispered in my ear. "Let's go. I got you."

"P-Please," I begged again and reached out. Rick looked up at us and nodded with tears in his eyes. Somehow, that had told me enough to go already — even though, I didn't want to. "I love you! Carl, I... I love you!"

He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded, seeing just how damn sad he was. "I love you more, Tess," he replied and this appeared to make him cry even more. "I'll wait for you on the other side and I'll always look after you, like you looked after me."

I continued to cry until I was in a ball on the ground, refusing to get up and carry on. If anyone would be it, it would be Carl. I loved him more than my next breath. I wanted to stay with him until his last moments, but Rick and Michonne did need to stay with him for that, though.

I turned around with both Tara and Daryl in tow, as we tried to turn our backs on Carl. I would never turn my back on him, even if I was forced to. This wasn't goodbye... Because I would see him on the other side, just like he said.

That kid... He was the future.

• RIP ME 💔 I couldn't even BARE to watch that episode again. I'm sorry that this isn't very long or exciting, or even word-by-word, but... I couldn't watch it again, like I can't ever watch Abe and Glenn's deaths over again. I cannot and will not. I am so sorry. Anyways, after this, HEARTLESS will be published and you can continue to read Tess' heartbreaking story there. 😭 All the love .xx •