❛ Well I'd love to believe you will someday feel the same ❜
- Battle-Axe, Deftones

REESE

Tess drives me insane.

Everytime I'm around her, I get a rush—kind of like if I was on a crazy rollercoaster and it was on fire, and it was on a mountain. I can't really explain it. Now that I'm staying with her, that rush has been at an all-time high. Whenever she scrunches her nose at me or playfully punches my shoulder or falls asleep with her hair in my face, I feel like I want to combust in adoration.

There are moments where it feels like I can't take it any longer. Just like earlier today at the park. The way the wind blew her hair in her face and her laugh—it's the best sound I've ever heard. Even a few days ago during lunch, when she knew exactly what would make me feel better about my shitty experience with Mr. Nois. Something about the fact that she knows me so well gives me a weird feeling in my stomach—like I'm sick, but in a good way.

Everything is so subtle with her, though. It's like she's torturing me.

She does things to me no girl ever has. No girl I've been with has ever made me feel this way, and she's only supposed to be my friend.

I think I'm completely in love with her—and it makes me want to scream at the sky because I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to do something about it.

So, when I'm in her room late at night, I try to ask to fulfill my first wish: being closer to her. First, she lets me get up on her bed. I look over at her. Her eyes are closed, her blonde lashes on display. She began putting on makeup more than a year ago, and I love it, it really brings out her blue eyes. But I think she looks even prettier without it.

Her bed is so warm and comfortable. I dread the day when I have to go back to mine. This one is just so soft and smells just like her. Not to mention, she's just a few inches away from me since there's barely any space for two people.

"Tess?" I say. Her eyes open, and she looks at me with a squint.

"Mhm?" she hums. Now I feel bad for waking her up.

"Can I ask you a question?" I ask. I'm not as ready for this as I thought I'd be. I need to go for it. Try my best to rip the bandaid off without weirding her out.

"Yeah."

"...Do you ever think we're... too close?" I blurt out my question and gulp. Crap, I could have worded that better. How can I tell her that I want to be able to kiss her? Are there even words in the English language that can emulate what I'm feeling right now?

She stutters, "what do you mean?" Her eyebrows furrow. "You and your brothers are like family to me. You know that," she says. I do know that. I wonder if she actually does see me as a brother—and only that. Ouch.

"No, yeah, I know. But... don't you think that you and I..." Once again, words fail me.

Great. Reese the genius.

I look around, as if that would help me find something that can aid me in this situation. "Don't you think we're—nevermind." I turn around in defeat.

Her soothing voice echoes in the quiet of the room, "Is there something wrong...? Come on, Reese," she whispers and places a hand on my shoulder.

I want to melt into her touch, but I don't look at her, I just ignore her and scowl at myself.

"Ugh, okay, be that way." She turns back, and my chest aches. I want to tell her everything so badly. I grind my teeth together.

I have to tell her something.

I take a deep breath. "I just— I was just thinking, and I kinda feel like you and I are a bit too close to be friends." I turn back to face her. Her only reaction to my words is a confused frown. She looks tired.

"What are you talking about?" she asks.

I gulp as I try to figure out how to explain that. I don't think I myself know what I'm talking about. "I think... we're friends, but would there ever be a chance that we could be more than that?" I decide to say the biggest question on my mind.

What if?  That's the biggest question on my mind. What if we were more than friends? What if I could kiss her whenever? The thought of that makes me want to wallow in a pit of self-pity. Kissing her is really the only thing I want to do.

She doesn't answer my question, and that makes me gulp even harder. I can feel sweat forming on my neck. "Tess?" I ask her. She has a blank look on her face that I can't make out.

"Reese, first of all, that's stupid—we're just friends... You wanna know what I think? I think you need to go to sleep."

Bam, a pang in my chest.

Any slight tether of hope I had is violently ripped away. I can't blame her for thinking that, though. We are friends, afterall. We have been for our entire lives. Nothing more than that—no matter how much I dream about it, I guess. I want to be content with that. I mean, she is the best and only friend I've ever had in my seventeen years on this planet. It should be good enough for me, but it just isn't.

An involuntary huff escapes my mouth, it perfectly summarizes how I'm feeling.

I need to give up at this point, or else I could lose her. I could have said something really stupid instead of what I just did, and she would have thought I was a total creep. Not only did I ask to sleep in her bed, but I'm also asking weird questions, so maybe I should just leave it at that. It's times like these when I don't even understand why she chooses to be friends with me in the first place, let alone consider being anything more.

It jumbles up my brain and gives me a headache to try to make sense of the way I feel around her. All I know is that it feels good—too good, and that I definitely should not be feeling this way.

She is way too good for me, I should have known that before letting myself get too far.

If I can somehow get myself out of this deep hole I've dug myself in, I'll be able to still be around her without feeling my heart being ripped into shreds because I can't call her my girlfriend.

I'll figure it out, but I already know what the first step is going to be. I'm going back home, because I don't think I can handle another minute being this close to her and not bursting.

Over the next few weeks, she doesn't question why I went back home so abruptly and without telling her much. And I'm thankful for that. When she does come over for dinner, I keep my eye contact with her to the minimum. She sits at the other end of the table, distracting herself with Jamie.

This trying to avoid her without making it too obvious is getting hard, and formulating a better plan is too.

So now, while I sit in Pre-Calculus class, my thoughts are plagued with her. Obviously, my plan isn't working if all I can think about while looking at a complicated scramble of letters and numbers on the board is Tess. Simply looking at the equations makes my head hurt, so I look around the class.

My eyes scan the heads of the students, most are slouched over and a few nerds are taking down notes. The teacher drones on with his broken-radio-like voice as I continue observing my classmates. My eyes reach a brunette head in the row to my right, in the front.

It's a girl, and she's looking back at me.

It catches me off guard for a moment. My eyebrows raise and she gives me an almost smile. It takes longer than usual for it to register that the girl is actually pretty. She's fairly cute with long brown hair and bangs. If Tess wasn't so heavy on my mind, I would consider flirting with her.

Wait... Tess. The plan. This girl.

It all comes together in my head like a jigsaw puzzle. I haven't thought this hard about something in ages! I need to talk to this girl after class.

I impatiently wait for the bell to ring and
practically run after her as she exits the class.

"Hey." I casually walk up to her, my best nonchalant smile plastered on my face.

She gives me the same smile she just did in class. "Hi," she says with her high pitched voice. She has to slightly look up at me, she's a bit shorter than Tess.

Only now that I'm on the spot do I realize I don't know what to tell her. "So, uh, what's your name?" I stutter.

"Beth..." she eyes me with her doe eyes. "You're cute," she giggles. It makes me furrow my brows. Me? She's pretty straightforward for that.

"Well, hey, Beth," I let out a nervous laugh. "You're cute too. I'm Reese." I feign confidence, forcing myself to stand up straight. I've always had a slight hunch Mom has never stopped pestering me about.

She slowly nods. "Thanks."

A few moments of excruciating silence.

"Okay, I'm gonna..." she motions to all the students going to their next class. She can't leave. Not yet.

"Wait," I filter through my thoughts. I can't lose my chances with this cute girl that happened to notice me right when I needed a girl to notice me. I need a distraction. "Do you wanna go out with me?" I blurt out before she turns away.

Her smile grows. "Sure... 8 PM, meet me at my house. I'll tell you all the details after school," she quickly says. No words seem to be able to come out of my mouth.

Since when was this so easy? I barely had to put in any effort.

So, after school, I meet Beth in a corner at the parking lot. Her big group of friends leave together like a school of fish when she comes up to me—I should have figured she was one of the popular ones. We plan out our 'date'—as she calls it—and it goes from there.

I did not see this coming.

I definitely did not see myself in the girls school bathroom, making out with one of the hottest chicks at school.

My back is against the wall, and her lips are pressed onto mine. I've only been on one date with her in the two weeks that we've been together, but if this is what she prefers to do rather than just hang out, then I'm not complaining.

I've never gone as far with a girl as I have with Beth. She lights my body on fire. She's been a perfect distraction from Tess, so it's safe to say my plan is working better every day with her.

As her tongue moves along with mine, my thoughts drift to Tess—again. This needs to stop happening at the wrong times.

I have my hands in Beth's perfectly straight brown hair, but a part of me feels like this isn't how it should be. A part of me wishes it was those unruly golden blonde locks in between my fingers.

Yeah, my Tess problem still needs work.

The sound of the bathroom door swinging open makes Beth disconnect her lips from mine with a deep breath.

"I gotta get to class," she says, fists still gripping my collar. She finally pulls away to pick up her book-bag from the floor, and I pick up my own backpack, still a bit awestruck by the makeout session—my lips swollen.

Her hand now goes to hold mine, and she pulls me out of the bathroom. The two girls that had just entered look at us in confusion, and Beth gives them a warning glare while we walk out into the hallway.

"I'll see you later?" she stops and asks.

"Yeah," I answer. She gives me one last smile before dropping my hand and walking away to her class. I don't feel like going to mine, so I just watch her figure disappear into one of the classrooms among the few students that are still outside.

I try to brush the thoughts I get once again: how I wish it was Tess' voice saying goodbye to me and her fingers entwined with mine.

Beth is a nice girl. I mean, for god's sake, she's into me! She gives me the time of day, and that's honestly all I need and more.

She's good for me, if I wasn't an idiot, I'd have completely forgotten about Tess by now.

Beth comes over for dinner that weekend, and we make out in the bathroom—again. Tess' visits have been decreasing more and more with each passing day. It's really weird. Everyone is noticing it and I've heard my Mom and Malcolm talk about going over to see if anything is wrong.

As painful as it is to see her less, it's an advantage to me. Seeing her only makes me want her more, and that's the last thing I need right now.

Beth comes over to my house more often than I do hers, since her parents don't know about us yet. Dewey and Malcolm don't really like her, but who cares what those dweebs think anyway? My Mom seems to think she's great, though I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

That Monday, after school, Beth comes back home with me. It's the perfect time. My Dad is at work, my Mom is busy, and my brothers aren't around. We have the room to ourselves. She knows exactly what that means, because as soon as we enter, she pulls me in for a deep kiss.

I smile in amusement when her tongue makes its way into my mouth. My hands find their way under her shirt, and she doesn't stop me. I wish we could—but we can't go any further than making out with my Mom in the house.

I'm too hot and bothered by her hands moving across my body and her lips on mine to notice the door opening quick enough.

It slowly clicks open and a figure's light footsteps sound in.

"Reese?"

As soon as I hear that voice, I practically fly away from Beth—almost losing my balance. My wide eyes land on who's standing at the door.

Fuck, I didn't realize how much I missed that face—and it's only been a day since I've seen her.

"Tess, what are you doing here?" I say in a high pitched voice. Beth awkwardly leans against the desk when she sees the girl.

Tess has a confused—or slightly shocked look on her face, I can't really place it but I don't blame her. I haven't told her anything about Beth and I, let alone properly talked to her in almost two weeks, and now she walks into me making out with some random girl. I never keep things from her.

"Um—I... I wanted to ask you for that Deftones album CD back." She looks at the floor as she speaks.

"Oh, yeah. I have that. Let me look for it," I reply. Weird, she's here for a Deftones CD, but she won't even come over for breakfast?

I move from my spot in the middle of the room to search for the box I keep under my bed of... well, Tess-related items. I keep boxes of all kinds of stuff, like I have one for shiny things, I also have one for her. Hair ties and pens she forgets, pictures of her, things we share. She'd probably think it's creepy if she saw it. I turn so that my back is covering the box as I open it for the CD.

I take the case out and quickly return the box back under the bed. It kinda sucks that she's taking it back, I love that album and I've been listening to it a lot lately—even though we used to listen to it together.

I want to so badly ask her if anything is wrong, if I've done anything. God, how I hope I'm not the reason she seems upset and distant—that would be the last straw for me.

I give her the CD, and for a second, our fingers brush. It's like I completely forget Beth is here.

She pauses for a second, fidgeting with the case. "Okay... Bye," she says before quickly walking out of the room. I don't even get the chance to reply to her 'Bye'.

That's it?

I turn back to Beth, who is looking at me with a questioning expression.

"Who was that?" she speaks up.

I shake my head. "Just Tess." Saying her name carries a heavy weight. I can't help but feel like I need to run after her right now. I almost do, but Beth grabs my wrist.

"And who's Tess?" She has an even stranger look on her face now.

I don't know how to answer her question. Who is Tess? How can I even begin to explain that to her? Let alone in a way she would understand.

"She's just my neighbor." I finally decide on that answer, but she's far from just my neighbor.

Beth's grip on my wrist loosens and she nods. "Hm—she's pretty."

I stall for a moment at her comment. Of course she's pretty—she's gorgeous. But can I really say I agree with Beth? Isn't she supposed to be my girlfriend? I mean, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes, but we've never been on a real date and she never really talks to me.

I don't say anything and she eventually pulls me closer again, but I don't really feel like kissing anymore. I don't think that would even be possible without me hating it. I resist. Her eyebrows furrow as she looks at me.

"What?" she asks.

"I'm tired, Beth. We just came back from school." That's not really the reason, I don't really know why I'm suddenly completely not in the mood—I'm never like this.

"You're tired?" Her voice raises.

"Yeah." I look away from her—I can never lie to anyone while looking at their face, it physically hurts.

"Well, then, why'd you bring me over here? Go to sleep or something," she sneers as she releases my arm and roughly grabs her bag from the table before storming out. She usually has a good temper compared to other girls I've been with, but she's been getting impatient lately.

I don't follow after her—I don't even want to. I just plop on my bed with a huff.

The next day, Beth acts distant at school. She doesn't pull me into the bathroom like she usually does. It sucks, it was nice having her around, something to fill up this void inside me. So, at night, I decide I should probably go talk to her.

She's been keeping my mind off a lot of things lately—being with her was good for me, I don't want it to end so fast just because I'm a sensitive idiot.

It's 10 PM on a school night, early enough that she'd still be up, but not enough that she would be busy—just the right time when she would be getting ready for bed. Her house is a few blocks away from mine—still a fairly tiring walk for the end of the day.

Her house is big, on a nice cul-de-sac in a nice neighborhood—different from mine. I make my way to the side, where her bedroom window is, and climb up. It's hard at first, but I've snuck into enough places to know where to have my footing.

I knock on her window as soon as I see it, and she opens it as quickly as I hoped she would. "Reese, what are you doing here?" she asks as she helps me in her room.

"Are your parents passed out yet?" I ignore her question, straightening my shirt and looking around her room. It's such a spacious and nicely decorated room. I share a room with two brothers and mine is barely half as big!

"Yeah, but still—I didn't know you were coming," she scoffs, a frown on her face.

I shake my head. "Beth... I just want you to know I really like you. I never actually told you and I'm sorry if I've been kind of a jackass lately. I just—" I slowly take a few steps towards her, the words just spewing from my mouth. I didn't really have a plan for this, I just knew I wanted to get her back, whether I'd have to make up the means to do that or not. I might kind of like her, but saying I really like her is just a straight-up lie.

But hey, if that'll get the last good thing in my life right now to stay, then I'll do it.

"Oh my god, this is gonna be so horrible for you! I am so sorry!" she interrupts.

"What do you mean?" I say without much thought.

"Reese, I wanna break up."

I pause. What in the world?

I try to open my mouth to speak, but only an 'Oh' sound comes out. I gulp. I don't understand why I'm hurt by this. I don't actually like Beth that much, I'm just using her as a distraction. So why does this feel like I got punched in the gut? I can't explain it. I quickly twist my features to make it seem like I don't care as much as I unfortunately do.

"Yeah, that's okay. I was just kidding anyway about— Yeah, no biggie," I brush it off, hoping it'll trick me into believing that too.

I really don't blame her for not wanting to be with me—no one would want to.

"Look, Reese, it's not you, it's me. I just think I can do better," she adds.

She could have just left it at 'I want to break up'. But who am I kidding, of course she can do better than me. I never understood why she was interested in me in the first place.

My eyes wander across her room, trying not to look at her. I scan her neatly made bed, and then move down.

Hold on, is that a shoe? Not only is it a shoe, is that a leg?

"What's that?" I audibly say what's on my mind. Has she been cheating on me this entire time? A familiar burst of fury surges through me.

I pull the person under the bed with all my strength as Beth yells at me to stop. "Reese, stop! You're gonna wake up my parents."

It's too late though, I already have the guy—grabbing his shoulders as I turn him towards me. But as soon as the light reflects his face and his identity is revealed, it's almost like my brain short-circuits.

Malcolm?

I was so ready to beat some random guy up—hell, that just might be the exact thing I need right now—but this just brings a whole new wave of emotions.

Beth was cheating on me with Malcolm? And not only that, Malcolm was actively stealing my girlfriend this entire time? This doesn't just feel like a sucker punch to the gut, it feels like I've gotten my heart put into a meat grinder too.

Malcolm and I have done terrible things to each other, but how could he do this to me knowing she is my girlfriend? Am I really not worth a single second thought to everyone, let alone my own brother? My jaw clenches as I look at his horrified face.

"Please don't kill me! You can break my fingers, or if you just wanna rest, I can break them for you!" he desperately looks at me for mercy. But I don't even have the will to beat him up right now. The last thing keeping me sane is being ripped away from me. Who am I if I give up a chance to beat up Malcolm? Nobody. Reese no more.

I let go of him, and my shoulders slump. "Whatever," I say to myself as I try to convince myself as I climb out her window. It's sloppy and I fall at the last step, awkwardly landing on the grass. What a great metaphor for how I'm feeling right now: just a great big idiot plopping on the grass. Well, that didn't go my way—like everything.

The walk back home feels like eternity.

There's still that terrible tight feeling in my chest, I absolutely hate it. It makes me feel weighed down by an anchor, using all my strength to keep moving against it. Malcolm, Beth, everyone. I'm familiar with feeling—that ache at the thought of other people, but this is just different. It's like I can't even make myself believe that they're wrong about what they did. A part of me thinks I sort of deserve all of this.

I count the steps to my house, as if that would make it seem like a shorter walk. When I step into my street, I let out a sigh.

Then my eyes land on a familiar house—her house. The ache in me grows even more. I want so badly to walk into her room and tell her all about how shitty I feel, and she'd tell me everyone who made me feel that way is an idiot like she always does. And she would give me that sympathetic look of hers. But how can I go to her for comfort when she's part of the reason I feel this way?

And then I remember the root of all this... Tess doesn't love me.

I didn't think this could hurt any more. But it does. It makes me feel insignificant and worthless, like an ant being stepped on by the harsh shoe of this world. Tess doesn't love me like I want her to and... it seems that my brother doesn't care much about me either.

I can't live with myself like this. My thoughts wander further into the trenches, I question how worth my life is—and I remember the war veteran I saw at the store the other day, an old man in a wheelchair.

I wonder if his love for his nation is what made him just risk his life like that—or if he felt it was the only thing he could be worth too.

So as soon as I get home, I quietly make my way around to prepare for my departure, packing a duffel bag.

When I hear Malcolm come into the house too, I scramble into my bed to pretend I'm asleep, and when I'm sure he's dozed off, I get up.

I sit at the desk in my room, carefully using the pen to not wake up my brothers. I write a goodbye letter for Malcolm to see in the morning, if I'm leaving this stupid family, I'm gonna make them feel as terrible as I do; so I make the letter as pitiful as possible.

I slowly get up and set it on his and Dewey's bed. I look back at all the papers splayed on the desk, and I remember Tess.

Tess. She'll wake up tomorrow and soon find out I'm gone, but she'll think it's all Malcolm's fault. It's fine, she'll get over it. A part of me considers writing her something. Hell, if I actually fully go through with the Army thing like I intend to, there is always a chance I could die—or not come back for years. I'm not even sure how the system works.

I pick up the pen and sit back on the chair. The tip of the pen hovers over the paper.

What would I even tell her? Do I tell her not to miss me too much? Do I confess everything?

'TESS,' I begin writing, trying to make my all-caps handwriting a bit more readable for her.

I bite the inside of my cheek in thought.

I LOVE YOU ALOT AND IM SORY. I JUST CANT LIV IN THIS HOUSE ANYMORE.
GOODBYE.

FROM REESE

I think this is what I want to say, I've never been one with words. I pause for a moment, rethinking all of this. She deserves a personal message, right?

But isn't she complicit in all of this too? I crumple up the paper in my hand out of impulse and throw it into the trash with a huff.

Off to the army I go.

AN:
hey everyone! Im sorry for the longgg wait, hopefully that wont happen again. I'll try to get part 2 out as soon as possible. I have a few chapters written already but need some editing, and it's gonna be SAD for a little while but it's all going to come together ;)

thank you so so much for 3k! I appreciate you all so much! Pleasee comment as much as you can, i love replying to all your thoughts.

ALSO i started adding some lyrics to the beginning of each chapter! It's so fun and i've added them to previous chapters too, so you can check them out if you want!