Part of me wanted to leave, to blast right through the front door and walk out without ever looking back. But I couldn't. As angry as I was, leaving Headquarters would essentially be suicide. So instead, I stormed off to my bedroom, blasting things on either side of me as I went. The door practically flew open, and I walked in, slamming it behind me so hard that the whole room seemed to shudder.

"Stupid—"

The wardrobe exploded with an almighty BANG!

"—unreasonable—"

Another explosion ripped the bathroom door clean off its hinges.

"—god damn IDIOTS!"

I threw myself onto my bed, pulling the covers over me completely, rage bubbling inside me. My mind flashed through what had just happened, and the anger only grew. And then, without warning, silent tears started flowing down my face.

"What's wrong with me?" I whispered, my voice shaking. "Why am I being so stupid?"

Curling myself up, I took a shuddering breath, the tears only getting worse as I was struck by the reality of just how pathetic — how worthless — I really was. It was then that an icy realisation washed over me.

They should've just left me to die...

***

Perhaps it was ten minutes later, or perhaps it was much longer; I wasn't really sure. All I knew was that I was still curled up under my covers, and someone was knocking on my bedroom door.

"Iv? Can I come in?"

It was Laurel, I realised. She didn't sound angry, but a familiar fear took hold of me all the same as I waved my hand in the direction of the door, using wandless magic to open it. I heard her footsteps approaching, then felt the bed sink slightly as she sat down on it. A silence hung in the air.

"I-I'm sorry," I said eventually, my voice still trembling a little. Taking a deep breath, I pulled the covers away from my face. "I — I don't—" I swallowed anxiously, forcing myself to grab hold of the courage to keep talking. "I don't know why I did that... I'm sorry..."

Laurel gave a deep sigh. "You don't have to apologise to me, Iv," she said, her eyes full of suppressed emotion as she looked at me. "And I understand why you had that outburst earlier. But..." Her voice trailed off, and she sighed again.

"But?" I said softly, though I already half knew what she was going to say.

"But from what I can tell, Remus has done so much for you," she said. "And he really cares about you — I can see it in the way he talks to you, and the way he acts. He treats you like he'd treat his own daughter. So if you're going to be apologising to anyone, it should be him."

I nodded, struggling to get words out for a few moments, before eventually managing to half whisper, "I-I-I don't think he'll want to hear it, though. And I — I think I should leave."

"You can't leave, Iv." She moved as if to put her hand on my shoulder, then seemed to think better of it as I gave a slight flinch. "For one thing, you don't have anywhere safe to go... and for another, we need you here."

"So you can punish me?" The words left my mouth before I could stop them, and I swallowed anxiously.

Laurel looked as though I'd just stabbed her. Pure anguish filled her face, and she had to swallow a few times before she could speak again.

"Iv... you know I wouldn't..." She trailed off, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. "I care about you, Iv... I could never hurt you... never..."

"I-I know," I said softly, my voice shaking. "I'm sorry, Laurel... I didn't — I wasn't — I — I-I-I'm sorry..."

Weak... pathetic... worthless...

The words echoed in my head, in a mix of Mother's voice and my own. I pulled my blanket off the bed, wrapping it around my shoulders instead, trying desperately to get the thoughts to stop. They were all true — I knew they were true — but that didn't make it any easier when I remembered that fact.

Unworthy... disappointment... scum...

Laurel's expression shifted to one of concern as I pressed my hands to my ears, trying to force the thoughts from my mind.

"I'm sorry..." I mumbled again, curling myself up as small as I could. "I'm sorry, Lau... I'm sorry..."

"Hey, Iv... come on... it's alright..." She gently took hold of my hands and guided them away from my ears, her eyes fixed on mine. "Listen to me, Iv. It's completely understandable that you're struggling with your emotions — until now, you've had to just suppress them all to keep yourself safe, so you don't know how to deal with them when they get too strong. And none of that is your fault, alright?"

I didn't quite believe her, but I gave a slight nod nonetheless, my senses telling me she wasn't quite finished. Sure enough—

"But I need you to promise me two things."

"What — what things?" I asked quietly, all sorts of horrible things she could make me promise running through my mind.

"First, that you'll apologise to Remus — not necessarily now, but as soon as you can. And second..." Her voice trailed off, and she paused for a moment. "Iv, promise me you won't push us away."

I tilted my head slightly, brow creased in confusion. Then, very softly, I said, "I — I don't think I understand."

Laurel gave a quiet sigh. "Don't try to just keep everything to yourself because you don't want to burden us, ok? We're all here for you — and the only way for you to learn how to properly deal with things is to talk to us about them. I promise you, we don't mind. Actually, I'd much rather you came to one of us instead of bottling everything up... and I'm sure everyone else feels the same way."

She reached out towards me again, and this time, I didn't even flinch as her hand settled reassuringly on my shoulder.

"So, can you promise me those things, Iv?"

For just a moment, I was going to say no, I couldn't. I wouldn't. Because who was she to tell me not to push them away, when she'd done the same to me at the first sign of danger with the Death Eaters? Who was she to talk about forgiveness, when I was certain she hadn't forgiven me for so many things I'd done to survive?

But then I looked up at her, saw the hope in her eyes, and my refusal died on my lips. Instead, took a deep breath, and slowly nodded.

"I promise, Lau."

***
A/N: oop apologies for a) how short and terrible this chapter is, and b) how long it took me to get out. I've had possibly the worst writer's block ever in the history of everything, and therefore have only been able to write like,, one or two sentences at a time (if that)  :/

On another note, I've been figuring out exactly when I want things to happen, and I actually feel like it would make more sense to swap around my plans for GoF and HBP.

This means Iv-under-Glamour-Charm-as-professor would happen during GoF time (bc she wants to be at Hogwarts still, but it'd be pretty much impossible to do that as herself), and then she'd be doing Order missions and all that kinda stuff during HBP time (bc the Death Eaters will be wayyy more active then, and also for another Secret reason).

Before I commit to that change though, I wanna know what y'all think about it. Would Iv-as-professor work better in GoF or HBP time? And the same for Iv doing Order missions and stuff

Aaaaanyways, that's all from me for now. I almost certainly won't be updating this book again until sometime in the new year, so merry Christmas to those of you who celebrate it, and happy new year too  :)

~Charlie 🖤