30 - Return to the Institute 1 /+/ Review

It has been a full five years since my last entry in this diary. A very long time, but not long enough to forget the horrors of that time.

Honestly, I never thought I would ever write another entry in this diary. But I think I can write down the events of the past 5 years here in a short form, before I move on to the current things and then close this diary, forever.

Let's start with this. Zhan and I decided at that time, after thinking and talking a lot, to take the compensation. So did everyone else in our group. No one wanted to go away empty-handed and everyone wanted to be compensated at least a little bit. And the payments we received were even much higher than we thought before.

It doesn't compensate for what we suffered, even if we don't have to worry about money for the rest of our lives, but, it helped us to start again.

First to Zhan and me before I say anything about the others.

Zhan and I have been a very, very happy couple for five years. After we received the money at that time, we decided not to rent an apartment and bought a nice little house on the outskirts of the city. It has a nice garden and there is even a pool. Our only criterion was, there should be no forest in the near surroundings.

Even now, five years later, it is still difficult for us to enter a forest and not feel afraid. The memories keep coming back and that's why we never stay in a forest for more than an hour, if at all, and if we do, we stay very close to the road.

A year after our return, I found my own way to deal with it all. I quit my job and wrote a book. Actually, I wrote it just for myself, like this diary, but Zhan thought I should send it to several publishers. And to my own amazement, one of the biggest publishers here offered to publish my book.

At first, they printed only 2000 copies, besides publishing the e-book. But these 2000 books were sold so fast that they had to reprint new ones quickly. Now, more than 250,000 printed books have been sold and my book has been read and downloaded more than 100,000 times on the Internet as an e-book.

Zhan has started his own business as a graphic designer and photographer. He even has his own small studio. His paintings that he paints himself and his photographs are very popular. One series of photos was even recently displayed in a gallery and received very high praise.

Two years after our return, Zhan and I took our first vacation together and horror-free. We traveled through Europe. We also took the opportunity when we were in Cologne (Germany) and got married there.

Of course our parents were not very enthusiastic because they could not be there. However, the huge family party we hosted when we got back made up for everything.

Even before we got married, Zhan and I often talked about wanting to have one or two children of our own someday. Then a year after our wedding, we went to the US to find a surrogate. Using Zhan's sperm, we were then able to hold our babies in our arms another year later. Twins! A boy (Ley) and a girl (Xin).

The twins are now a year old and are keeping us quite busy. Ley is very attached to Zhan and his first word was Daddy. While Xin is totally attached to me and follows me everywhere. Her first word was grandpa. Because Grandpa Xiao spoils them both through and through.

When Zhan's father found out he became a grandfather, he cried with joy for two days and then threw a big celebration. Since the birth of the twins, he is with us at least once a week and always can not separate from the twins.

Also my parents spoil the two very much and are happy grandparents. My mom was so happy when she found out she was going to be a grandma that she invited the whole neighborhood to a street party.

Zhan's mother, she and Zhan's father divorced seven months after our return, lives in Hong Kong. We often have video calls with her. She now lives there with the man she had an affair with. Zhan's father also found happiness in love once again. He said that even though he is very happy with the new woman by his side, he will not marry her. But not because he doesn't love her enough, but because he always said he would never marry more than once in his whole life and he holds on to that. It's good that his girlfriend understands this.

At that time, my brother and Cheng bought a big apartment in downtown Shanghai after receiving the compensation payment. They also want to get married, but they don't know when and where yet. They have adopted two small dogs at the shelter, mostly Cheng takes care of them, who has become a passionate houseman. The two do not want to have children of their own, even though they love children very much.

Leni has made it and got her dream job as a pharmacist. She works in a large laboratory and whenever she explains to us what she is working on, we only see question marks. We don't understand a word she says. But we know she is happy, even though her last relationship ended a year ago and she hasn't found a new boyfriend yet.

Meng Yao is doing very well in the U.S. and has even been promoted to department head. He is still single and already admitted four years ago that he and Leni lied about their affair. They never had anything together.

Missy is a happy wife and mother of a three-year-old little boy. She married Zhan's best friend at that time after she recovered and returned home. Zhan's best friend was more than happy when he got Missy back safe and sound. He forbade her to ever travel without him again. She laughingly explained to him that she had no plans to travel anywhere again.

The small family lives in a multi-generational household with her parents and her grandparents. She bought the house for them from her compensation payment.

André still has two years of studies ahead of him. He has found a new wife. The two of them want to get married after his studies and are already talking about a big family. Since his girlfriend is only 24 years old, this should not be a problem. They also plan to leave Poland as soon as they are married. However, they do not know where they want to move to yet.

The court hearing against Han, took place a year after we returned. We all had to return to the place where we all met after one year for our testimony in court. It was a very emotional reunion. Even though we kept in touch with each other, it was different to see each other again as a group.

The trial went as we expected. Han will never be a free man again. He will not be able to leave prison until they carry him out in a body bag.

Even during the trial, Han showed no regrets. He screamed like a madman, called us all lying assholes, tried to spit on us and even kicked us as he was led past us to his seat.

He claimed we were all conspiring against him and trying to frame him for something he didn't do. However, he could not give a reason for his claim. He only said that we were angry with him because of the failed leadership.

But when even his own little brother testified against him, who used his own methods to find out what his brother was up to, Han just kept quiet. It's a pity that his little brother didn't find out before we set one foot in that forest.

At that time, about half a year after our return, I finally found the courage to ask Zhan if he could tell me or show me more about our former life.

Zhan told me he couldn't promise me and had no control over it, but, he would try to show me. We both sat down on our bed in the bedroom, he took my hands and quietly spoke a few sentences that I can't remember today. I only know they had a very calming effect and put me into a kind of trance.

I saw Zhan and myself again in a new vision. We were wearing those traditional Chinese clothes, our hair was long and looked very well kept like our clothes. We were wanderers and traveled all over the world. We were always together, friends, partners, lovers. We slept in small rooms of some guest houses, in forests, caves or just in the tall grass.

We lived on what nature gave us. Sometimes we sang together on our travels and it was this song that Zhan whistled that sounded so familiar to me. We held each other's hands, wandered from place to place, stopping here and there to make love and kept walking. We were happy.

One day, when we returned home after a very long journey, a war had broken out. Two big cities were fighting over a free land and making war on each other.

Zhan and I wanted to stay out of it. But when we found out that our families had been murdered by the enemies of our city, we didn't want to just stand by and join the fight.

For days, weeks and months we fought side by side to avenge our families. Finally, two years passed and the war was still going on, when the enemy set a trap for us. We had traitors in our own ranks who helped the enemy to corner us.

After cutting off our access to water and food for days, they stormed our hideout and attacked mercilessly. They killed everyone.

When I opened my eyes again and was back in the present, I didn't know what to say. We just sat there in silence for quite a while. Until I asked him if he saw any more past lives of me or us. But Zhan replied no.

Sometimes I still wonder if we were given a second chance by fate because we had to die so young back then. Younger than we are today or were, when Zhan and I met 5 years ago.

In my vision that Zhan showed me, Zhan and I were lovers since the age of 14, we were the same age and even born in the same month. We grew up together. Our parents were neighbors and friends. None of them had anything against the relationship of Zhan and me, although at that time it was anything but normal for two boys to love each other. In the vision, we left home together when we were just 16 years old and did not return until 5 years later, where we then found our dead families and found our own deaths two years later.

I still often think of that vision and wonder what would have happened if our former selves had not gone to war, but had continued to travel the world? Would we have grown old together?

Just now I looked at the clock, it's time to pack. We'll bring the twins to Zhan's father's house in the morning and then go on to the airport. My diary will accompany me this time as well.