October 27th, 2010

I don't know if I'm ever going to get used to escaping death. I know I need to record everything that just happened, but I have no idea where to start. We left the CDC today, I'll explain why in a minute. We're back on the road looking for God knows what.

Turns out thinking that the CDC was too good to be true was right. Jenner knew that the building was beginning to shut down, but he let us in anyway. He fed and clothed us anyway. He made us think that we had a chance. Gave us hope. I'm starting to learn that hope is a dangerous thing.

We lost Jaqui today. She chose to stay inside the CDC burning while we watched it burn to the ground.  Andrea would have been lost too if not for Dale. I feel just awful for her, the death of Amy is driving her insane. I could not imagine what losing Carl might be like.

I just feel so numb. So many terrible things have happened in the last two months. So many people I cared about have died. And I try so hard to feel things about it but when I look into my heart...nothing is there. And I feel so guilty about that. But at least feeling guilt means I feel something.

I don't know where we are going to go now. I don't think Dad does either. He is doing a good job at leading our group, at keeping us all together. His strength is what keeps me strong, what keeps Carl and Mom strong. I'm glad that he came back to life. I'm glad that it's not just us and Shane anymore.

I saw something I shouldn't have last night. It happened after everyone else had gone to bed. I was supposed to be in bed. But I wasn't. I was in the rec room, too caught up in my own writing to notice that something was wrong. Mom came back into the rec room after putting Carl to bed. She was probably looking for me, but I was hiding from her. I didn't want to lose time in this wonderful place by sleeping. I should have just slept.

Shane was obviously drunk. He was unsteady on his feet and his words were long and drawn out. He startled my mother and confronted her about their affair. Was it an affair? She thought Dad was dead...

I watched her try to leave the room but he barred the door with his body, facing the corner I was in. I had already tucked myself against the wall to stay out of sight when I heard the door slam shut. We were trapped in this room with him.

Shane started to defend himself. He said things about the day he left Dad in the hospital, how he was certain Dad was going to die and how he couldn't do a thing about it. He said that all he could focus on was getting me and Carl and Mom out of Atlanta. That he would trade places with Dad if he could.

At this point I was watching from around the corner. I couldn't help myself. But I wish I never did. I wish I never saw what he did next.

I watched as he professed his love to Mom. I watched as he backed her up into the ping-pong table. I watched while he put his hands on her face, on her neck, on her body. I watched him try to take her as she screamed. She tried to push him away, she tried to yell, and told him to stop. Eventually she got a grasp on his neck and his face and was able to shove him off of her. I could see the red lines her nails left on his skin. And I watched him walk out the door. He took one look back into the room and my heart caught in my throat because for a split second, I thought he saw me. I surely saw him, his eyes and the crazed look in them.

I sat against the wall I hid behind, brought my knees up to my chest and tried to stay silent as the panic bubbled up in my chest. I could hear my Mom crying. I should have gone to her, I should have done something. But I didn't want her to know that I saw. She wouldn't have wanted me to know. So I stayed put until I heard her leave. On my own way out of the rec room and into the dorms I walked smack into something hard. Someone. Someone who saw which room I had just left. Someone who gripped my upper arm with force I didn't know he was capable of. Or rather, with force I should have known he was capable of.

Shane had turned the corner into the hallway I was walking down and I walked right into him. He held my arm to steady me so I wouldn't fall, but he also didn't let go. I was so hopeful that he wouldn't notice where I was coming from, but like I said, hope is a dangerous thing. I tried to play it off like nothing was wrong.

"Sorry, Uncle Shane," I said to him. "I didn't see you." He didn't respond for a moment, just stared at me with wired eyes and a gaping mouth. I could smell the whiskey on his breath.

Slowly, the hand that wasn't holding my arm was raised up to my face. He tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear. I tried so hard not to flinch, and his touch was gentle but I was afraid. He must have noticed it, he had to have, because why else would that hand move to grip my chin? Why else would he turn my head side to side like he was admiring a fresh meal? Why else would he have forced me to look up at him as he said, "You look so much like your mother, you know that?" I didn't know what to say. I just nodded. He let me go after that and I bid him a quick goodnight before booking it to the dorms. I silently climbed into the bed I shared with Carl. Mom was in her bed, seemingly sleeping. But in the silence of the night, I knew that she was as sleepless as I was.

Dad was the one who got us out of the CDC. He is the one who saved us, not Shane. And he has no idea who his best friend really is. When we woke up the next morning, Dad and Carl left to get breakfast but Mom and I were frozen. I sat up in bed and looked at her. She looked so...small. I wanted to protect her from what had happened but I was too little too late.

"Mom?" Is what came out. She hummed in response, like she always would when her mind was preoccupied.

I said, "Did you know that there's a reading corner in the back of the rec room? It's hidden by the bookshelves. You can't see it from the door."

That got her to sit up and look at me. We didn't say anything more that morning, but the look she gave over her shoulder told me enough.

And now we're on the road again.