XXX. when i'm losing my control

Bridger wondered how long he could take the staring until he finally snapped. The judgmental stares from the Kooks burnt holes into his skin. They haunted him, made him feel small, but it also ignited a fire in his bones and everybody knew when he got angry, it was ugly. He tried to block them out and create a world he could go to, to ignore all the gossip,  but it was hard. It was hard to ignore everything when you were the center of the topic. One of the topics, anyway.

"How is he able to show is face?"

"I can't believe he's actually here."

"He's a Pogue, now."

"I thought he was one of us?"

Their words filled his ears like water. Bridger chewed the inside of his cheek so hard that he was surprised he didn't start bleeding. His nails buried into the skin of his palms. There were two sides of him. The fun,  leisurely personality that caused everyone to love him in the first place, and the other was a ball of fire; they were only causing the fire to burn gradually larger.

Inez stared at the boy with worry in her sweet eyes.  She nervously messed with her hands until the table.  She, too, listened to the horrific gossip around them.  The hairs on the back of her neck stood when she saw all the eyes that focused on their table. She leaned forward. "You know we can go some place else," she spoke softly.

Bridger snapped out of dreamworld. "No, no, I'm not going to snoop to their level," he spoke with a bitter undertone. He leaned forward in his seat also and smiled at her. "I'm really glad we can do this again," he said with a curt nod and motioned his finger between them.

She smiled back. "Of course. I've been waiting for you to call me up." She slightly teased.

"I know. I know. I'm sorry. Things have just been. . ."  He trailed and stopped. The smile he wore subtly fell.

Inez nodded again. "I know. But hey, i'm still here.  Don't pay attention to what these assholes are saying.  They think they know you but they don't. They just like the gossip."

Bridget forgot how much he loved spending time with Inez Maddox. Their relationship was rocky and she had a right to want to be distant from him. They were together for a whole year. She was in love with him.  He loved her too but it was a different kind of love. He trusted her with his secrets and she was his shoulder to cry on. He did love her. He only felt guilty for making her love him in the way she did.

But things were different now. They were closer than ever. Inez was his friend and he was graceful that she still saw him as hers, too. They sat together at the country club on the roof top. He could remember countless times him and his Kook friends would book out the roof top for parties. He had so many memories locked inside of the space. But that's all it was now: memories.

"Two sweet teas," a light voice announced and two sweet teas were presented to them.

Bridger looked up and flashed a rich smile. His eyes racked the beautiful blonde in front of him and he whistled. "Now this a sight." His eyes trailed down to his hand. "I don't see a ring on that finger. You single?" He flirted.

JJ rolled his watercolor eyes. "As a matter of fact, I'm not. Got this cute ass guy at home." He responded and grew a smirk. "He's kinda an asshole but he's good
in—"

"Okay, okay, okay!" Bridger interrupted him and motioned to Inez. "Innocent ears here."

The girl scoffed. "Oh please, I've heard so much worse." She looked up at JJ and smiled. "How are you liking your job, JJ?"

"Oh, this?" The boy questioned and pointed to the many stuck up, rich ass Kooks he had to serve. "It's fabulous." He answered sarcastically.

"What's fabulous is the tips you'll get if you keep that pretty smile on your face." Bridger reminded him and narrowed his eyes.

JJ rolled his again. "I know. I know."

"Good." He reached into the pocket of his khaki shorts and he pulled out a $20 bill. He held it between his fingers. "Keep up the good work." He said and held it out to him.

His eyes softened. "Bridger, you don't—"

Bridger held up his hand. "Hey, hey, hey," he silenced him. "I'm the customer, remember?" He said and smirked again. He held out the money once more.

The blonde smiled and gingerly took the money from him. "Thanks, baby."

He winked. "See you at home."

Inez giggled and JJ walked away with a sheepish smile. "You two are so freaking cute," she gushed. "Ugh, I can't believe you two had a secret relationship."

Bridger went into heavily detail about his relationship with JJ before the summer they met. Imagine the pure shock on the girl's face when she learned about it. He was honestly surprised that he forayed her enough to spill all of his secrets but that was the beautiful thing about Inez. She always listened and she never told a soul.

He sent her a small smile. "Yeah, I know. Things with him are great. . ." He trailed. "Just wish the circumstances could've been different," he added with a small frown.

Inez reached her hand over and placed it on top of his. "Hey, i'm just proud that you're able to live your truth," she spoke genuinely. "You're the greatest person I know, B. You deserve to be happy and I can see that JJ makes you happy. I love that for you."

She would never judge him even after all the shit he put her through. She was a true friend.

"That must be so awkward for her." A girl from a table next to the said to her friends but he heard her very clearly. "Having to pretend she doesn't love him anymore."

"Poor Inez. She was so heartbroken." Another girl responded.

"Could you imagine your boyfriend turning out to be gay?"

Inez watched his jaw clenched tightly and he moved his hand away from her. "Hey, B, don't pay attention to them." She quickly said. "Like I said, they don't know shit. They're just a bunch of rich bitches."

"We're rich bitches."

She chuckle. "We are rich bitches." She agreed and they laughed loudly.

"Shut up. Shut up!" JJ suddenly bursted out in anger.

Bridger instantly turned his head and he saw him approach a table with Topper, Kelce, and a bunch of other girls. His face was red in anger and it made him sit up in his seat.

"I don't think we were talking to you, Pogue." Kelce snapped.

JJ took the water pitcher from their table and held it up. "Can I have everybody's attention, please? I have a little announcement to make!" He shouted to everyone. He gained all of their attention. "My best friend, John B, did not kill Sheriff Peterkin!"

"Oh god, JJ." Bridger muttered and closed his eyes.

"Rafe Cameron killed and shot the sheriff in cold blood!"

That's when he got out of his seat. "Hey. Hey, J, calm down." He said and walked over to him.

"Bridge, get him to stop." Topper hissed at him in embarrassment.

"No, stop, you know it's true!" JJ shouted to him and pushed him away.

"That's what happened." Kelce said with a disbelieving laugh.

"Is that so hard for you to believe, Kelce?" He directed in anger.

"JJ, stop." Bridger warned again.

Kelce stood up from his chair "It is actually hard for me to believe because y'know it's always the Kook's fault. It's never the Pogues fault." he said out of frustration.

The newly recruited Pogue put his hand out to stop him from getting in their faces. "Take a step back," he said and his eye brows raised.

But JJ had a different idea. He took the water pitcher and threw it on Kelce, making water go everywhere. Bridger jumped back in shock and loud gasps came from everyone around them. "Hey!" He shouted at JJ and pushed him back by his chest. "What the hell?"

Inez watched nervously from their table and her hand quickly covered her mouth.

JJ and Kelce started going at each other. "Are you serious? Knock it off!" Topper shouted at them and he and Bridger tried pulling them away from each other.

"Fucking stop!" He yelled and grabbed JJ by the arms, breaking him away from him.

"Get off me!" He seethed and tried to get out of his hold.

"It's not the time, man!" Said Topper.

Raz suddenly appeared in the middle of the compassion and his eyes directly went to his employee. "JJ!" He shouted sternly.

"Yeah, I know, Raz. I know," JJ muttered and started taking his apron off. "I'm fired."

Bridger casted a glare at all of the Kooks and put his hand on his arm. "Hey, come on. Go." He instructed and they began to leave.

Kelce watched them go. "Yeah, why don't you get your dog on the leash, Bridger!" He shouted at him.

The boy stopped walking.

"Ah shit." Topper muttered and squeezed his eyes shut. He sat back down.

JJ paused as well and turned to partner. His face dropped when he saw his face shift in anger. His jaw clicked. The blonde titled his head and told him with his eyes to let it go but the fire in him was already lit. Everyone watched Bridger turn back around and look at Kelce. Topper's face was hidden in his hand and Inez was on the edge of her seat, for they both knew exactly what was about to happen.

Kelce's tough guy act seemed to slowly deteriorate when Bridger walked closer to him. He was expressionless but his eyes said all they needed to say. Then, when he got close enough, Bridger threw his arm back and his fist collided with Kelce's face.

There were shouts and more loud gasps from the guests and Bridger immediately started running again. "Sorry, Nez. I'll make it up to you!" He shouted at the girl and grabbed JJ's arm and dragged him away. "Go, go, go!"

The partners sprinted through the country club, causing the guests and workers to object loudly at their ruckus, and they finally reached outside and ran to JJ's dirtbike. "Holy shit!" He shouted when they reached the bike. His wild eyes saw the bruises already forming on his hand. "Dude, you punched him!" He said loudly and let out a laugh.

"I know. It felt fucking great," Bridger responded with heavy breaths. He turned around and looked up to see everyone staring down at the from the rooftop. In unison, the pair flipped them off.

JJ let out a rigid breath and he put his hand on his chest. Bridger noticed and put his hand on his back. "Come on, let's go." He muttered and they climbed on the dirtbike.

JJ reved the engine and his partner laughed loudly when he drove right into the flower beds, leaving a trail of dirt as he sped down the street.

Bridger carefully wrapped white gauze around his broken hand. The knuckles were split and colored red and deep purple. He silently inhaled and exhaled to keep his anger at bay but it wasn't working. You could feel how angry he was. JJ sat on the windowsill and watched him with careful eyes. "You haven't said a word since we left." He spoke quietly.

"What do you want me to say, JJ?" He responded without meeting his eye.

JJ Maybank was a boy that was full of rage. He was a boy of shaking fist and trembling teeth. His whole life was circled around protecting himself as well as others which meant he always tried to keep the anger hidden. But it was hard sometimes when he felt like everything was as his fault. His anger slipped out and it caused things to turn dark, which lead to overthinking, and overthinking almost killed him. JJ shook his head. "I'm not doing this shit," he muttered under his breath and stood from the windowsill.

Bridger lifted his head as he started to walk out of the room. "Hey, no," he instantly said and stood up from his bed. "You're not leaving."

The blonde faced him and his anger unleashed. "Why would I stay? It's obvious that you're pissed at me." He said loudly.

"You're damn right I'm pissed off. That was a good job, JJ!"

"They didn't like me anyway."

"Nobody ever likes who they work with!" Bridger exclaimed and threw his hands up. "The point is that it was a great paying job and you let your anger get the best of you."

"I was gonna just stand there and let them talk about John B!" JJ shouted with a crimson face.

"They're always going to talk, J!" His partner shouted back. The fire inside of him burnt his flesh. "Okay? They're always going to talk about John B. They're always going to talk about Sarah. They're always going to talk about how it's our fault!" His voice grew louder and louder.

"I can't just let them do it." JJ retaliated and his voice cracked. Tears shined in his eyes.

He was sick and tired of being the sad boy that everybody rolled their eyes at. He tried so hard to turn all his violence inward, to direct it at himself to spare others, and he no longer wanted to do it. His father always said there was something ugly inside him and he always knew what to say to twist the knife. JJ wanted to believe he was good but there was a side of him that wanted to spit venom and watch the world cower because that's what it did to him. Now, his best friend was gone and the world took pleasure in throwing it in his face, which only made the darkness in him rise to the surface, and the rage he kept hidden was now coming out.

Bridger knew exactly how JJ was feeling. He knew the boy like the back of his hand; he could read him like a book. His entire life he had been broken down by somebody who was supposed to love him unconditionally. The world around him laughed in his face and they wanted to see him shatter. He knew that all the boy needed in his life was somebody to show him love and show him how to love himself.

Bridger exhaled softly and stepped forward. He cupped the blonde's face in his hands. JJ flinched at the contact and his eyes softened into sadness. "I'm sorry," he spoke gently. "I miss them, too. I miss them so damn much. You have every right to feel angry and spiteful and don't ever let me try to tell you how you should be feeling." Bridger told him. "But J, we have to be strong. I know you're already strong but you can't let this break you."

"It's already—"

"No, it hadn't," he interrupted and firmly shook his head. He kept his face in his hands. "I know you think you're broken but I promise that you're still whole. It's going to take a lot to break you, JJ Maybank." He declared.

JJ slipped out a small laugh.

"Just promise me that you won't let this world break you. Because if you break, then God damn, I'll be broken too."

In the pit of the darkness that was inside of him, there was a softness, and that softness was reserved for Bridger Fitzgerald. When he was losing his control,  the world around him spun around, but he was the only one who knew how to slow it down. JJ stared into the eyes of his lover and he knew that even if he was broken that Bridger would always make him feel whole. His hands gripped his wrists and he sucked in a breath. "I promise. I promise."

Bridger kissed him deeply. He could practically taste the anger. It dripped from his lips like poison. But he also tasted love. The taste of it was sweeter than any toxin he ever let into his body.