XIV. help me hold on to you

Bridger longed to be accepted. He spent his entire life doing what people told him to do because he wanted them to accept him. He portrayed himself as an arrogant, high-handed Kook because that's what people liked about him. The Kook Prince. He appeared to be a leader when really he was a follower. He followed Rafe and Topper around so people would think he was one of them. He wanted to be like them.  That resulted in him acting like them. 

He'd been the archer and he'd been the prey. He spotted his target and released his arrows into their backs, scarring them with his own insecurities. He also found himself hiding under the wings of his friends so they couldn't see through him. He cut himself up to be like them, only to hate his reflection every single day after. He needed that one person to hold onto to pull him out of the black hole.

JJ Maybank was his state of Grace.

Bridger looked around the van, which he found of was called the Twinkie, in amazement. "So, you guys are like the Scooby gang?" He asked.

"Uh. . . somewhat, I guess." Pope answered.

"Cool." He grinned. "Let me guess. John B's Fred, Kiara's Daphne, Pope's Velma, and JJ's Shaggy."

JJ narrowed his eyes. "Why am I Shaggy?"

"He's the stoner."

"Ohhhh."

Pope rolled his eyes. "He'd be Scooby, actually."

"Why am I Daphne and not Velma?" Kiara questioned, almost like she was offended.

He shrugged. "Pope's the smart one in the group."

Pope smiled widely. "Thanks, Bridger."

JJ wrapped his arm around him. "My guy's so sweet." He said cheekily.

Bridger rolled his eyes and shoved his face away with his hand.

"Moral of the story is. . . I'm the good looking one?"  John B chimed from the driver's seat.

He shrugged. "I was going to say leader, but. . . sure."

The Pogues plus Bridger drove to where they were meeting Sarah. The Kook boy sat in the back with JJ and the blonde was playing with his hand, twisting the rings around his fingers. "You still have this?" He muttered and pointed to a specific ring on Bridger's finger.

It was a silver ring that JJ had found one day when they were on a walk. It was lying in the grass when he spotted it. He never thought Bridger would actually keep it. "Of course I do. You gave it to me."

A light gleamed in the his blue eyes. JJ smiled warmly.

Pope looked between them. "So, I'm still curious. How come you guys never told anyone?"

The pair shared a look. There was a million different reasons why Bridger wanted to keep his relationship a secret but none of them had anything to actually do with JJ. He lived two different lives and he was afraid that one would end if he chose the other. "Well,  it. . ."  Bridger started. "It was because of my dad, mostly.  He's not exactly. . ."

"An advocate?" Kiara finished.

He pressed his lips into a thin line. "Yeah." He muttered under his breath. He glanced at JJ. "We kinda got lost in translation, I guess."

JJ frowned and squeezed his hand. He knew exactly how he was feeling. His dad too was not an advocate for people like them. He had to hear about it every day. A part of him didn't blame Bridger for keeping them a secret. 

"Well," John B spoke, breaking the silence. "Anyone in JJ's life has no choice but to be apart of ours."

That made JJ smile. "Yeah, you're stuck with us now. Right guys?"

Pope nodded. "Right."

They looked at Kiara, who was still reluctant to accept that the boy was with them. She spent years building up an anger towards him. Never in her entire life would she think somebody like Bridger would end up with JJ. But then she saw the way JJ's eyes lit up when she looked at him and how happier he looked. He was hardly ever happy like this. "Right." She muttered.

They finally arrived at the state park and Pope and JJ slid the door open. "Hit it, boys! We're goin. Recon mission." JJ announced.

John B quickly stopped them. "Yo, uh. . . So, uh, I think I'm gonna do this one by myself. . .  tonight."

Bridger could see by Kiara's face that she was pissed off. "Really?" JJ questioned and leaned back against the seat again.

"What? I-I just don't want to spook Sarah with the peanut gallery."

Bridger blew air through his lips . "Well, I'm offended."

"I just don't understand why we're involving her at all." Kiara blurted out.

"Kie, we're not involving her, okay?" John B defended.

"Aren't we technically?" Bridger questioned. "I mean,  she already knows."

JJ pointed at him. "He has a point,"

"It's—It's just, uh, like a—a business meeting. . ."

Bridger and Pope laughed when JJ made a blowjob motion with the blunt in his hands.

"Look, once we get what we need, we cut her loose, all right?"

The Kook pinched his brows together. "Does that go for me, too?"

"No!" JJ immediately answered. "You're already in too deep. You're stuck with me."

"Yay me."

Kiara shook her head at them and looked back at John B. "Promise me nothing's happening between you two."

"Nothing is happening, Kie." John B promised her but it was very obvious he was lying.

"Yeah, heard that one before." Pope chimed and looked at the two boys across from him.

They smiled smugly and JJ kissed his cheek.

"I'm being serious!" Kiara argued.

"Okay!"

"This isn't about you, and this isn't about us. This is about her," she continued. "Dude, she's gonna get inside your head."

At this point, Bridger was getting annoyed with the girl bashing her friend and it seemed like her shots were being aimed at him as well. He glanced at JJ and received. He would forever hate himself for making the boy doing anything other than smile.

"That was really believable." Said JJ

"A hundred percent believed." Pope agreed.

Bridger hummed. "Oscar worthy believable."

"Anyways, um. . . I'm gonna take care of business."  John B declared.

"You're gonna take care of it so well."

"We'll just sit here. . . in the hot ass car. While it's lightning."

"Make sure you clean up after!" Bridger shouted at the boy when he got out of the van.

Pope wheezed our a string of laughter and they fist bumped.

Kiara's face visibly fell. Bridger hinted a smile. "Don't worry, Kiara. Sarah's not going to do anything to hurt him."

She shot him a glare. "Yeah, cause you would know,  right?"

The smell faded away. Heavy tension dawned over them and JJ glared at her. "Kie!"

Bridger stared at the girl like he was contemplating on how he should feel. Kiara slowly looked away and went back to her bubble of sadness. He was mentally screaming at himself to keep his anger at bay. These were JJ's friends, he needed to respect them. But he was still a Kook and he knew Kiara would never accept him. "Fuck this."

He climbed over JJ's legs and stormed out of the van. 

"Bridger, wait—" he started to say and he glared at Kiara. "Do you not know when to shut the hell up?" He climbed out of the van and immediately chased after him. "Bridger, wait. Bridge, come on!"

Bridger spun around in anger and it made JJ flinch back. "I'm going to say something and you're not going to talk until after I'm done, okay? You can pick me apart after, alright?"

JJ didn't respond but the look on his face indicated that he was listening.

Bridger sucked in a deep breath and pinched his nose to try and settle his anger. "Okay. . ." He started. "I love you. I've loved you ever since that stupid fucking party and I didn't realize it until that one night we were driving in my car and I turned and looked at you and you were smiling. You were looking out the window and you were smiling. Then you looked at me too and I realized that I will never fucking love another person in my entire life like the way I love you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for everything I've put you and your friends through. I'll never forgive myself for any of it.  Maybe I loved you too much and I showed it too little,"

JJ's eyes watered with tears.

"That summer with you was the best time in my entire life. I promise you it was. I-I'm sorry I kept us a secret a-a-and I'm sorry for treating you like shit around people but-but I was scared. I was terrified and that's on me. And then my dad saw us and. . ." He paused when a tear fell down his face and he wiped it away. "I'm just so fucking sorry. I-I love you so much and you deserve so much better than me. I've seen you at your happiest and I destroyed it and I'll always hate myself for it.

"But I want you to know I'll spent the rest of my life making up for it. I don't want to lose you again. I tried so fucking hard to hide how I was feeling but I can't anymore. I love you and I can't change that. Please forgive me, JJ. Please forgive me—"

When he took a pause, JJ quickly walked up to him and grabbed his face. He pressed his lips to his tightly, so tightly that he was sure his lips would bruise from the force. Bridger immediately reacted and grabbed his face as well, he spun them around and backed the blonde into the nearest tree that they were standing by. He trapped JJ with his hands and moved his lips against his.

Timing was everything with soulmates. Distance, timing, break down, fighting, silence, and the train suddenly runs off its tracks. Kisses to try and fix it instead of listening, and then you feel like you want to give up, but then you realize what you have with that person means too much to let go of.

Bridger's hands sewed themselves into JJ's hair like the way flowers root in soil. His mouth was heaven and his kisses fell all over the place like stars. "I forgive you," JJ muttered against his mouth. His ocean eyes fluttered, eye lashes moving like waves.

Bridger pulled away an inch so he could look at him. His eyes were so blue and he felt like he was drowned. "You have me," he told him with his entire soul. "You have all of me."

Thunder rumbled and clapped above them, recreating the storm that was their relationship. It was beautiful, chaotic, and crazy. A shout for help is what separated them. Bridger looked behind him. "Did you hear that?"

JJ didn't respond and listened closely.

"Someone help!"

"I definitely heard that."

"Come on." Bridger urged and the pair quickly ran, meeting Kiara and Pope along the way. They ran down the trail to where the bird watching stand was. Bridger saw Sarah hovering over John B. "Sarah!"

"Sarah! What happened?"

Sarah was crying over him. "I don't know what to do. He needs help. Topper shoved him."

"Topper's here?" Bridger questioned and looked around him. "Where the fuck is he?"

"Please, please, get helped. I don't care who. Just call someone." She cried out.

"Go!" JJ shouted at Pope and he ran back to the van to call for help.

"Pope, hurry!" Kiara shouted in worry.

JJ gripped his hair anxiously as be stared at his friend and Bridger out his hand on his back. He watched as Sarah kissed John B and his eyes shifted to Kiara, whose face fell drastically. John B had lied to her but it was so much more than that.