LVI. suffering and faith

JUNE 2018
MAYBANK HOUSE

JJ's skin was golden and rich, areas polished dark yellow suggestive of the precious metal. It was warm and soft yet calloused. He was a jewel gleaming in sunlight, everything luxury, beauty, and refinement. Bridger loved to trace his skin, to feel the curvatures of his muscles and to feel the goosebumps created by his touch. JJ's heart beat always increased by his touch like it made him nervous. What he didn't know was how incredibly nervous he made Bridger feel, with his eyes wild like a jungle and yet serene like the ocean he grew up around. He was dotted with tan freckles, the bridge of his nose painted with them like stars. His lips were thin and soft, always curled into a playful smirk or a captivating smile that showcased his one dimple. Everything about him was a dream, a dream Bridger never wanted to wake up from.

He never felt this way before. Not about anybody and certainly not about a boy. How is it that he could feel this way about a boy? Was that how it was supposed to be and he was told wrong? Was this his fate? It was anxiety inducing to ponder on. Jana always told him that he could anything he wanted to be while Dawson tried to shape him into the person he wanted him to be. It was a game of tug-of-war. But here he was, lying in the arms of a wild-eyed boy with a surfer's tan and it felt right.

"I can feel you staring."

Bridger blinked. "Sorry. It's hard not to," he heard his own voice. It was half muffled, seeing as how his left ear was pressed against JJ's chest, the sound of hushed beating heart playing symphonies in his ear. It was morning, around 7 or 8 o'clock. They were all in JJ's house. Luke wasn't home. He hadn't been for days now. JJ didn't like to discuss it.

He smirked, air escaping from his nose. "You always this poetic in the mornings?" He teased, already knowing the answer.

Bridger rolled his eyes. "No. I'm just stating facts." There was another moment of silence.

JJ chuckled, his simple on display even though Bridger couldn't see, but he knew it was there. "Sounds like you're flirtin' with me, Bridger Fitzgerald."

"Don't make me get up, JJ Maybank."

There was another laugh. "Okay, okay, sorry." His left arm that was over Bridger's shoulder tightened. His other arm was twirling his strands of dark hair. JJ watched the sunrise from his bedroom window, the light reflecting on Bridger's ivory skin. He burned easily and JJ's traced the peeling skin on his arms. "Can we stay like this forever?"

Bridger inhaled a breath. "Do you think that's a good idea? What if your dad comes home?"

JJ scoffed lightly. "Yeah, I don't see that happening."

The brunette frowned at his tone. His titled his head slightly so that his eyes were on his jaw. "Sorry," he whispered.

The honey blonde shrugged. He didn't like to talk about his dad. Especially not in this moment when all he wanted was to stay in the bubble he was in with Bridger. Nothing else mattered in that moment. "Can I ask you something?" He spoke when a question popped into his head.

Bridger nodded. "Yeah, of course." He answered softly.

"Do you think your mom would've liked me?"

Pause. Bridger felt his body tense up. They'd never gotten so personal since their relationship started. He wasn't sure if that's what he should have been calling it. Neither him nor JJ discussed labels and truth be told, Bridger didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to ruin anything. He liked what they had going on exactly the way it was. So to talk about something so personal as his mother was difficult.

JJ felt him move and Bridger lifted himself from his chest. Immediately, he felt a painful hit of guilt. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't—" he stopped when Bridger rested on his side and his hand pressed to the side of his head, his elbow creasing deep into his pillow. "Why do you ask?" The brunette asked softly, his voice not raising.

"I-I don't know. I just. . ." JJ stuttered. He looked away from him and to his ceiling, taking a breath. "Sometimes you mention her when we talk and you talk so highly of her. She sounds so great. Sometimes I wonder if she ever met me, would she like me."

Jana Fitzgerald loved everybody that entered her life. Her heart was golden, always had been, and she wanted to pass it to her son. She was always smiling, always so happy, despite how awful her marriage was behind closed doors. Jana never wanted people to see her break so she shined as bright as she could. Bridger was certain that's where he got it from.

He would never admit it out loud but JJ reminded him a lot of her. He was kind despite what people thought of him. He was always so happy, smiling and laughing. Be loved deeply and it articulated through his actions and eyes. "Of course she would have liked you."

JJ met his eyes again, brown meeting blue, the ocean crashing against rocks, and he smiled bashfully. "Good to know."

Bridger chuckled. He took his free hand and pressed it to his cheek. He leaned down and kissed him, their lashes fluttering together.

PRESENT DAY
POGUELANDIA

JJ knew something was wrong. He felt it in his gut as well as his bones. It was almost second nature at this point. He'd sensed that something was bothering Bridger for days now but he didn't know how to go about asking, because Bridger always told him he was okay. It was so sudden his mood change. They were so happy in the beginning but it was as if over night, Bridger was stuck in a dark hole he couldn't escape. JJ had seen him like this before. It hurt him. Their emotions had become linked overtime.

Bridger wasn't next to him when he woke up which is probably what caused him to wake up. He looked around through tired eyes, not seeing him around. He almost spoke his name but JJ didn't want to wake the others. It was still dark outside which meant it was cold. JJ stood up and moved his hair out of his eyes. He carefully stepped around his sleeping friends. "B?" He spoke and looked around, trying to spot the brunette. The breeze coming off the water made him shiver. "Bridger." He said louder but he didn't see him.

Suddenly when he looked ahead of him, he saw a figure kneeled in the sand and JJ realized it was Bridger. The closer he got, the more evident it became that he was throwing up. "B!" He called out and ran to him. "B, are you okay?" He heard the retching noises the closer he got. JJ dropped to his knees behind him and put his hand on his bare back. "Hey, hey, Bridger, it's okay. It's okay."

The vomiting finally stopped and Bridger breathed in out rigidly.

"Breath. Breathe." JJ said and continued to rub his back. He started to rub his shoulders in hopes of comforting him. "B, what's going on?"

But he couldn't catch his breath.

JJ grabbed his shoulder and quickly turned him to face him. Bridger's face was pale despite the sunburn and his eyes were full of tears. He looked scared, trembling and his breathing stiff. JJ brushed his hands against his cheeks. "It's okay. I just need you to breathe, please. Like me." He inhaled a slow but deep breath. "Just like this."

Bridger followed his movements, both of them now breathing at the same time. His heart was pounding against his aching chest. He felt dizzy and disoriented. He was so tired of feeling this way.

"That's good. That's good, baby. Good job." JJ encouraged him. He brushed his hands through his dark curls and then trailed it back down to his cheek. "B, you're really scaring me. Please tell me what's going on."

"Nothing's going on," Bridger answered breathlessly and he ran a hand down his face, feeling it wet from his tears, and he sighed from exhaustion. "I just got sick. Probably from all this damn fish."

JJ wasn't buying it. "No, you're lying. There's something wrong. Why don't you tell me?" He pushed. "Please talk to me, B. What's wrong?"

Their eyes met again. Bridger's shined in the light from the tears but they were dull. His eyelids felt heavy but he couldn't sleep. His mind wouldn't let him. "JJ, please, I don't want to talk about it. I just wanna go back to sleep." He pleaded.

JJ frowned deeply.

"Can we please just sleep?"

"Yeah, we can sleep." They spoke in whispers.

Bridger was awoken by someone yelling his name. "Bridge, Bridge, wake up. B!" It was Pope. He groaned and kept his eyes shut. "Go away."

Then, he was shaken. "Boy, get up!"

He groaned again, louder that time. "What the hell, Pope?"

"There's a plane!"

His eyes shot open. "What?" He said and sat up, seeing everybody else around him start to wake up from the yelling.

"There's a plan! Guys, get up, there's a plane!" Pope continued to yell and he scurried away from them.

Cleo followed after him, yelling his name for him to wait. Bridger turned his head and saw JJ awake and looking to the sky, his jaw gaped open. "He's right. There's a plane."

That's when Bridger heard the engine and he looked at the sky, indeed seeing a plane flying above them. "Holy shit," he cursed and scrambled to his feet. "No fucking way."

"There's a plane!" John B shouted and started waving his arms around like a mad-man.

"Hey! Down here!" Sarah hollered and copied his movements.

Bridger looked behind him, studying JJ's fallen yet hopeful expression that the plane wouldn't spot them. He didn't want to go home. He was vocal about that. There was nothing in Kildare for him, JJ's words, and Poguelandia was his. It was theirs. Their own slice of paradise. Bridger could practically see his heart crumbling inside of him.

The group continued to shout and get the plane's attention. Pope and Cleo stood on the edge of the cliff side, puffs of smoke suddenly appeared in the air. Smart boy, Bridger thought to himself.

Just when he thought their luck would run out, the plane turned around and Bridger exhaled a breath. He brushed his hands through his curls. He saw Pope and Cleo jumping for joy on the cliff. He saw John B and Sarah embrace each other before he raced off the beach to follow where the plane was landing.

"B, come on!" Sarah yelled at him and followed her boyfriend/husband.

Bridger noticed that Kiara had the same look on her face as JJ. "Come on," he said and urged them to follow along.

The remaining Pogues trailed behind a running John B. They followed him through the path to the pond. Bridger didn't know how to feel. One half of him knew that he'd been wondering what life would be like if they went back home. Did he even want to go home or was he just feeling homesick? It was two different things. The other half of him was thinking about JJ. Seeing the look he had on his face was hard. He understood how he was feeling but how long could they really stay stranded?

A fishing plane came into view when they stepped over the rocks. "We did it!" Pope hollered when he and Cleo finally caught up to them. He practically jumped on Bridger's back, his arms slinging over him out of excitement. "WHOO! We did it boy!"

He couldn't help but laugh.

A man stumbled out of the plane. "Hey there," he greeted the group of teenagers.

John B was the first to step up. "Hello. Hello."

"Whoo!" Pope continued to rejoice and he gripped John B's shoulders, shaking him madly. "Hey! We're out of here. We're finally getting out of here."

Sarah ran to Bridger with a happy smile on her face. "B, we're getting out of here!" She squeaked and dropping into his arm.

Bridger looked over his shoulder again. JJ stood there alone, his shoulders slumped over and his jaw tight. He held out his free a hand for him to come over. The blonde shook his head, remaining still, and Bridger felt sick. Looking to Kiara, he held out his hand again and she took it.

"Well, what do we have here?" The unknown guy said rhetorically.

"Uhhh," said John B. "You know, just some castaways."

"Or just teenagers with shitty luck," Bridger spoke bluntly.

He hummed. "Yeah, that too."

The plane driver laughed. "Well, I'll just cross that off the grocery list." He waved  finger at them. "Now hang on. I got just the thing for y'all." He said and went back to the plane.

Bridger looked down at Sarah, seeing how uneasy she looked. She stared at the unknown man like she didn't trust him. He didn't blame her.

John B noticed her uneasiness as well. "Hey, no, look at this guy!" He said and walked up to her. He grabbed her hand and pulled her way so they could talk.

"What do you think?" Bridger asked Kiara, her body language and facial expression indicating that she was disappointed and on edge.

"I dunno. I just don't like this." She answered truthfully.

The plane driver came out of the plane with his hands full. "First aid and run!" He exclaimed. "Incoming!"

He tossed the bottle of rum at them, none of the teenagers reacting, and it fell into a puddle.

He tossed the first aid kit to Pope, the boy catching it swiftly. "So, what's the story? You guys sank a boat?"

None of them knew how to answer. "Uhhh, jumped off one, actually," John B simplified. He pointed to Sarah. "Her dad's."

Sarah glared at him.

"Kinda got chased off is more like it," Bridger claimed.

The plane driver laughed. "In-laws, man. They're tough. Well, have no fear. Jimmy's here. I got you."

"Well, all hail Jimmy, guys!" Cleo celebrated and threw up her arms. "Let's go."

She trudged passed them to get on the plane. Pope followed behind her. Bridger looked at JJ again over his shoulder, motioning his head to the plane. He followed behind Sarah. Kiara still had a grip on his hand.

"Welcome aboard the Flyin' Fish, y'all!" Jimmy announced as the teenagers climbed into the lane. "I'm Jimmy Portis. I'll be your captain today. Is this is? All six of you?"

"Uh, yeah? That too heavy?" John B asked.

Jimmy hesitated. "Uhhh, nah. Technically, maybe, but I think old Dish here'll probably be okay."

"Oh. That's comforting," Bridger muttered sarcastically and stepped into the plane. He eyed all of the cargo crates and fishing nets. Kiara let go of his hand and sat between Cleo and Sarah. He went and sat by Pope. JJ, being the last to get on, squeezed next to Bridger as stiff as a board. Bridger placed his hand on his knee and squeezed it.

They're up in the air and he peers out the window behind him. He watched the island that became his home for a month grow smaller and smaller. All of his thoughts, all of his secrets, he desperately wished to keep them locked away on the island. Nobody needed to know. So he chose to think about all the memories he created. Those would color his world for the time being.

"So long paradise." JJ mumbled miserably.

Bridger glanced at him. He sneaked his arm behind his back and rubbed his side soothingly.

The Pogues sat clustered together in silence, all of them feeling something different, but one thing they agreed on was that the dude was sketchy even if he did rescue them. They didn't trust easily. Bridger eyed Jimmy as he drove the plain, his facial muscles tight. His brain walked a right rope of positive and negative thoughts. He glanced at the others, reading their facial expressions and body langue. He met John B's gaze and his switched to JJ, then he met Sarah's eyes before hers moved to Kiara's and Cleo's. Pope was already looking at him when he turned his head.

JJ was the first to speak. "So, what were you doing all the way out here?" He asked Jimmy.

"I got a little guide outfit in Saint Vincent. I was spotting fish." Jimmy told.

"What were you spotting?"

"You know, the usual. Wahoo."

Immediately, JJ and John B met eyes, their faces the same. They shook their heads in unison.

Bridger looked between them, not understanding, and his raised eyebrows showed it. Catching Sarah's gaze, she shared his confusion.

They waited a while lumber. Jimmy wore a headset, their voices drowned out to him. JJ leaned forward, his arm resting on the back of Bridger's seat, and the Pogues leaned into the huddle. "Wahoo don't run in September," he told them.

Bridger's stomach dropped.

"Whoever this man is, he's not a fisherman."

"Of course he's not. Why would he be?" The brunette said sarcastically and stuffed his face into his hands.

"Maybe the run just starts earlier out here," Pope tried to be optimistic.

"Are you sure about that? In the Caribbean?" JJ rejected the optimism.

"Sare, what do you think?" Bridger kept his voice low, eyeing the girl across from him.

"He's working for my dad. And he's probably been looking for us the entire time," she declared with a bitter nod.

"What the hell are we gonna do now?"

The lifelong best friends were seemingly having a conversation in their heads. Bridger watched JJ and John B communicate silently. He leaned closer to JJ. "Whatever you're about to do, please try and be discreet." He whispered.

JJ scoffed. "Please, baby. Have some faith in me."

Oh boy.

John B began to distract Jimmy while JJ reached inside his satchel. Bridger keeps his eyes on Portis, silently praying that he wouldn't turn his head and catch him. JJ pulled out a book and inside of it was a photo. Bridger picked the photo from his hand and looked at it, almost vomiting at what he saw. It was the Coastal Venture, Ward's boat. "Oh, fuck." He slipped out and looked directly at Sarah.

She snatched the photo. Bridger turned his head and read the cover of the book JJ was holding. The Loss of El Dorodo. The boyfriend's shared a worried look and then they shared it with Pope.

There was a sudden jerk. "Hey, y'all better hold onto something. We got some unexpected turbulence up here." Portis announced to them.

Bridger suddenly felt like throwing up all the fish he'd eaten over the course of a month. The confirmation that they were in danger slapped him in his sunburnt face. He tried not to panic but he was absolutely panicking. What the hell were they going to do?

"Guys, whatever it is, it's happening fast." Kiara said as she peered out the window. "Look."

Bridger turned around and looked out the window. He saw that they were flying over an island.

"That looks like Barbados," Cleo observed as she looked outside as well. "I've been there with Terrance."

JJ released a breath and looked at all his friends again. "Okay, there's six of us, one of him. You know my vote. We storm the cockpit."

There was an immediate reaction of disagreement. "No, shut up!" Bridger hissed quietly, looking at him like he was crazy.

"And who's gonna drive the plane?" Sarah hissed at him.

"I've seen Pope fly simulators."

"I-I crop dusted for my uncle last summer. This is not the same thing!" Pope yelled quietly.

"We don't have time to pretend that's a real option," stated Kiara.

"Do you have an idea?" JJ shot.

"A safe one, preferably!"

"Why don't we simply, just, jump out?" Bridger came up, jerking his arms toward the exit door.

Kiara narrowed his eyes. "B, we're not jumping out of the plane!"

"It's better than JJ'z plan!"

"Is it really?" The wild blonde questioned with a sarcastic shake of his head.

"I kinda don't disagree with the man." Cleo sided with Bridger, not seeing another way.

Bridger gestured to her. "Thank you." He turned his attention back to JJ and he tapped the book. "Put us back before he notices. Now."

"Okay, okay, bossy," JJ said back and gestured for John B to distract Jimmy again.

"Be discreet." He reminded him. Bridger exhaled a breath and ran his fingers through his netted curls. His anxiety levels were high, making him dizzy. He scratched his cheek, dead skin flaking off from the sunburn.

"Hey, man, what the hell are you doing?" Jimmy yelled when he caught JJ with the book. He let go of the wheel.

When he grabbed JJ, Bridger's instincts kicked in and he leaped forward. "Get your hands off him!" He yelled at Portis

The plane starts jerking and they all started tipping over. "Who are you really?" JJ yelled at the man and Bridger feels like an idiot for thinking he'd been discreet.

"Give me my book back!"

"Fly the plane!" Kiara yelled and panicked at the shaking plane.

All of their shouts topple over each other. Bridger continued trying to get Jimmy off of JJ while the others panic. Pope gripped onto the net next to him. Finally, Bridger punched Portis in the face causing him to release JJ. Unfortunately for them, it knocked him out.

"Bridger!" John B screamed.

"What the hell!" Sarah yelled at him.

"Dude!"

"He wouldn't let him go!" Bridger shouted back at them while glaring.

"You just knocked him out!" Pope screeched while fearfully.

That's when they all realized they were falling. "Oh shit!" JJ cursed loudly and scrambled to climb over Jimmy and get in the driver's seat. "Hold onto something!"

His warnings caused them all to clutch onto whatever was around them. Bridger leaned forward and grabbed a hold of Sarah, keeping them close to each other and he closed his eyes, holding his breath and preparing for the worse.

The sounds around him started to heighten. They hurt his ears, the yelling and the alarms on the plane. They were thrown in every direction and yet Bridger tried his hardest to not let Sarah go. He was scared but he didn't show it. He felt Sarah clutch onto his arms out of fear and she screamed. Don't be afraid, Bridger, he heard his mother's voice in his head before feeling a heavy crash.

disclaimer – this season goes into deeper detail about Bridger's trauma and his depression. Obviously being stranded on an island for month would trigger some of my unresolved trauma too