I was in love with an angel. And I fucking hated it. Not the fact that she was good. But that I cared about her so much. Never imagined I'd be hanging out with a good girl like Cynthia - the kind who did what her daddy told her to, the kind who was always polite and proper. But what can I say? Sometimes screwing around with greasy tramps gets old. I ain't saying she was a soc. Pretty close to it, though. So her interest in me made my eyebrows raise up when she first told me. "What're ya playin' at?" I demanded, glaring up at her from my chair at the booth. "Ya think I'm stupid or somethin'? Go home to your daddy, Doll Face." She had guts, though. Just coming up to me while I was eating with the guys. Who does she think she is? I thought, frowning angrily. A persistent girl, I guess, cause she wasn't leaving. She just folded her arms and pursed her lips. "Not going anywhere until you get a drink with me," she said. People turned to stare at our table like they thought they were at the fucking movies. Curly nudged me, whispering some crap about just going with her so we didn't cause a scene. I jabbed my elbow into his ribs in response. "Listen, sweetheart, I already got a girl," I replied. "Oh yeah? Who is she?" Damn, she wasn't supposed to ask that. I stared at her smirking face for a bit, heart sinking cause I knew I was losing. She was good-looking, sure. But I wasn't about to risk my reputation by being seen hanging around some soc girl. And getting my ass kicked over it? Like hell! There was something in that look she was giving me, though. Too honest, too pleading... "Alright." Couldn't believe I was just giving in. My boys snickered behind my back. "I'll get ya one drink then I ain't doin' nothin' with you again. Ya hear me?" She nodded eagerly. "Loud and clear." Well, turned out I thought she was real special cause one drink turned into four and one date turned into several. We started seeing each other every couple days. At that point, I was sneaking around. Knew that if Curly found out what I was up to, I'd never hear the end of it. Stupid kid loved to taunt me. Course, I always made him pay for it. But he could really get to me sometimes. It wasn't until two years later that I actually told him about Cynthia and me. Not that I had to. He'd already guessed. And I thought maybe he didn't mind, but then he was lecturing me about how I couldn't be with her no more. Imagine it: my little brother trying to act like our dad. I hit him real hard for that one. Bruised up his face a bit. But he kept bothering me. And he got the guys in on it, too. Somehow, they tricked me into bed with another girl. Well... Alright, I admit that I didn't put up too much of a fight... But I just thought they'd leave me alone if I did it once. Then I could go back to Cynthia and pretend nothing happened. I was wrong. They'd told her. She was there. She came bursting in on us before it got too heated. I thought she was gonna yell at me and beat the shit out of the girl I was with. She didn't. Tears slipped from her eyes, down her cheeks. Next thing I knew, she was sobbing and running out of the room. Didn't care about the slut in my bed. I left her without a thought, chasing after my girl, my shirt missing and my belt undone. Cynthia hadn't gotten far. She'd collapsed just outside the house and I knelt beside her in the dirt. "I didn't... The guys..." Couldn't say nothing cause it all seemed so bad now that I really thought about it. "Why...?" She was crying so hard, she could barely speak. "I-I should've listened... D-Daddy told me n-not to... Thought you l-loved me... Liar... Liar..." My heart hurt something fierce. I had to check to be sure I hadn't been physically stabbed there. Nothing. Must've been the guilt then. I stayed quiet, though. She wouldn't have believed anything I told her. I didn't deserve her trust, her love. I'd been weak. And I couldn't apologize or even break down with her cause I knew what the guys would say. Still, I tried one more time. "Baby, don't-" Then she cut me off. "I'm pregnant... T-Tim, I'm pregnant..." She glanced up at me and managed to calm herself slightly. "Three months... I couldn't find the right time to tell you. I thought you were gonna be so happy." I couldn't convince her that it was all a mistake. So we decided to stay together until the baby was born cause her dad was gonna beat my ass if I didn't stick around. Once it popped outta her, I'd go. For those six months, I didn't screw with any other girl. Hoped maybe I could change her mind, show her how much I loved her. It made me weak. I hated being weak. I hated loving her. She was one of those girls you'd do anything for. Even if it meant giving up everything you knew... Curly didn't understand yet. But he didn't get to push me around either. Cynthia was gonna be my girl and if he didn't like it, he could just fuck off. Without getting the chance to try too hard, something real strange happened. She fell in love with me again. I've never believed in God, but that night, I thanked Him for letting her forgive me, for letting us stay together. This time, our love was deeper, stronger. I kinda started blowing off my pals just so I could be with her more often. Even missed a rumble once cause she told me she wasn't feeling that great. And I missed a few other things, too - like holding up the hardware store or going to Buck's parties. She kept telling me she was hurting. We were too afraid to go to the hospital, though. We didn't need them fancy doctors judging us for becoming parents too early. But by the seventh month of Cynthia's pregnancy, she was in so much pain, we knew we didn't have a choice. Her dad drove over there and we'd sat together in the waiting room while they were doing their tests on her. They told her she was fine. Her due date came around and I was nervous as hell. Darrel Curtis came by once to tell me it was all gonna be okay. I guess he'd know... I mean, he already had three kids and his girl was expecting another one in the next couple months. Dally didn't visit. I'd heard rumors that he'd skipped town a few years back and that explained a lot, but still... He was my friend - kind of - and I'd wanted him to be here. Even if it was just to tell me how stupid I was for knocking up some broad. My girl's pain continued right up until she went into labor. They'd had her laid up in the hospital bed for a week, but they didn't do nothing to help her. They let her suffer. And at the end of all the pain, she finally gave birth to a surprisingly healthy baby girl. She named her Lauren. It was the name at the top of her list. I hadn't been a fan of it, but after all she went through just to hold the child in her arms, I figured she'd earned the right to name it. The next year, it happened all over again. Letting her get pregnant even though I knew she wasn't strong enough, letting her feel all that pain. Then, there was another little girl in our growing family. We called this one Tracy. Cynthia was happier than I'd ever seen her. Holding our two daughters in her arms, grinning at me like it was all okay. But it wasn't. I remember the doctor pulling me out of the room and telling me she couldn't do that again. He said she'd never fully recover from this birth. Another one would kill her. She had other things in mind, thankfully. She wanted to marry me. Never said so, but I just knew. I wasn't good enough for her. Got no money for a ring or a nice house or anything and I wouldn't let her daddy help me out. I was determined to work like hell for it. Fourteen years later and we still aren't married. I know she's losing her faith in me, but I can't do anything to reassure her. She deserves so much more than what I can give. That's why I'm leaving the door open. Just in case she comes to her senses and decides to marry a better man instead. Our girls are in high school now and they're a real handful. But I never let Cynthia worry about it. She's a great mother, good with everything. The stress is too much, though, so I gotta take care of everything I can. I haven't been out with the gang in years - think Curly's the leader now. Cynthia's been pretty sick lately, but she don't wanna see a doctor. We're all worried about her. I think Lauren hasn't eaten in a day or so. Says she ain't gonna eat till her mom gets some food in her. And Tracy's having trouble with school. She wants to drop out. It's Monday when I start noticing things. Like how Cynthia can't get out of bed no more or how Lauren dotes on her before rushing off to school or how Tracy prays every night. "What're ya up to, Trace?" I ask, seeing her kneel before the window. "I'm askin' God to help Ma," she says and I sense a sad little smile on her lips. "Think He'll listen to somebody like me?" I swallow hard cause I know I'm not good at this religious stuff. Cynthia had taught them about it ten years back. Used to drag us to church before she got sick. "Well... I know He always tries to take care of us..." "You're right," she replies, turning to beam at me. "Thanks, Pa." I leave her to her prayers, sighing softly. See, when the girls were young, they had a knack for swiping things. And I can't help but think about what I'd told them: If ya'll are gonna take what ain't yours, ya either gotta be clever or ya gotta give it back. Now, I know I have to take my own advice. I stole an angel from Heaven. I have to give her back cause I sure as hell ain't clever enough to keep her. Quietly, I step into our bedroom where she's laying under the covers. If I'm gonna lose her, there's something I gotta do first. "Darlin'? You awake?" "Yeah..." Her voice is no more than a breath. "I wanna ask ya 'bout somethin'," I say, sitting on the bed beside her. Gentle as I've ever been, I caress her stone cold cheek. "Well... I know I'm real late, but... Will ya marry me, Cynthia?" "Yes... I...will..." Don't cry even though I really want to. But I gotta be strong for everybody so I ain't allowed to be upset. There's a knock on the front door, jolting me out of my self-pity. I tell Cynthia I'll only be gone a moment then I go to answer. Dally's there, pacing on the steps, running his hands through his white blond hair. It's strange to see him after all these years. He don't look any different. I wonder how that's even possible. We all got old. Everybody except Dallas Winston... "What're ya doin' here?" I sigh, stepping aside to let him in. If I hadn't, I knew he'd just barge on in, anyway. "Be quiet, would ya? My girls are tryin' to sleep." "You too, then?" he asks. He grabs a beer from the fridge and sits on my couch while he gulps it down. "Johnny said so. Didn't believe him. Ain't no way Shepard's gone soft. That's what I told him. But he's right..." I settle in the armchair across from him with a beer of my own. Got this feeling we'll be here all night. So I don't say nothing, just let him talk it out. He'll get to his point on his own. Don't need no help from me. "Fuck all that responsibility shit," he continues. He finishes the bottle and fetches another one. "It ain't for me. It's really fuckin' dumb, right?" "Right." Sometimes you just can't disagree with Dally. "And I don't get the fuss over it all," he says, watching me with his razor eyes. I used to think blue was a gentle color, before I'd met him. Now I know how cruel blue eyes are. Now I know better. "But I been weird lately. Don't know what's wrong... I just keep thinkin' about... Fuck it! I didn't say nothin', alright?" Don't even get the chance to nod before he's talking again. It all seems so strange, though, cause we never used to be close like this. If Dallas Winston was talking feelings, it was to complain about someone else's. He'd never have told me this eighteen years ago. I force myself to pay attention, despite my growing discomfort. "-like a bitch... And I got these pains but I haven't done nothin' to earn 'em," he says as he finishes his second beer. "Here, in my chest, ya know? Swear I haven't been fightin', though..." He trails off and his icy gaze drops to the floor. He's hurting real bad. That much is obvious. But he was never like this before. He wouldn't have dared to be so vulnerable. Now, it kinda sounds like he's trying to ask for help. So I take a bit of a risk. "What d'ya need?" I think he's shocked. His head whips up and he just stares at me. And he's got this look to him. The look of a caged animal. Like he might attack. But he doesn't. He just leans a little closer to me, trying to keep his voice down. "Tell me what happened to Darry's kids." It sounds like he chokes on Darry's name. He doesn't react like it, though. He regains his usual calm. "I dunno." My face flushes with anger. He disturbs my last moments with Cynthia just to ask about Darry's goddamn kids? "What the hell you think I know? I ain't friends with the guy! Last I heard, the youngest one was dead. That's it!" I'm so mad that I'm yelling. And I don't care if I wake up the girls. I leap to my feet and grab him by the collar, giving him a violent shove. He stumbles backward, trips over the couch. Then he scrambles to his feet. He cusses at me cause the beer bottle broke when he fell and now the blood from his sliced up hand is dripping on to the rug. He doesn't try to fight back, though - just keeps edging away. I decide to leave it. No use in fighting here. He's bleeding anyway... But I'm not done saying my piece yet, so I go on yelling. "Get the fuck outta my house, Winston! And don't you dare come back!" "Okay..." He goes. And I know it don't mean a thing to him cause it ain't the first time he's been kicked out and it certainly won't be the last. Dropping to my knees, I try to pick up the shards of glass. Lauren walks in before I'm done, tears in her eyes. My heart falls, the glass shards slip from my fingers. I stand and run for the bedroom, but she holds out a hand to stop me. The other hand is clasped over her mouth, restraining her sobs. I pull her into my arms, kissing the top of her head. She cries into my shoulder as I try to tell her that everything's gonna be okay. But then she pulls back and she's shaking her head. I catch a glimpse of a smile even though the tears cover her cheeks. My daughter steps out of my embrace, pointing to the doorway into my bedroom. I follow her finger and Cynthia's standing there, leaning against the wooden frame. My girl has a smile on her pale face and she laughs a bit as she shakes her head. "Heard you yelling..." she whispers, but her voice seems stronger now. "Thought you were in trouble... But it's just Dallas Winston... Ha... Never thought I'd see him again..." Can't help but stare at her. Then I run, scoop her up in my arms, and carry her to the couch. I set her down, stare some more. A miraculous recovery. I don't believe it. How...? I glance up to the ceiling. Maybe God is real after all... Maybe he could actually hear Tracy. Maybe... "Lauren, get your sister," I say, returning my complete attention to my wife. And thinking about all this. My girls... Wondering if Winston ever gets jealous, too, and pitying him cause he doesn't know what it's like to love this much. Love... I wait until Tracy comes back, until her hysterical crying dies down. There's this pressure in me, though. A feeling that my whole life has been leading up to this moment. This moment when I can finally let go of the past and who I once was. "I love you. I love you all so much." And we're all crying this time. Even me.