Maybe a week passed before Laurel appeared in my room one night, ghostly with her candle, not turning up the lights as to wake Lark.

"What?" I asked, sitting up immediately. I was guessing she came on Veronique's orders, and I was right.

"Veronique and I would like to have a discussion with you about your future prospects."

"Sure," I muttered. I checked Lark was sound asleep before I snuck away.

As I walked down, heavy feeling in chest, I already knew it would be about Uriel. The only one who I ever 'loved'. Uriel, who I loved but have never touched in an impure way.

Downstairs the lights were all off but Veronique's drawing room. Inside she sat on the couch with her hand quilted covers and pillows. It was a pretty world, I thought, nothing like Elsie's place. Veronique poured me tea, real tea, from a floral teapot with a border of leaves. I inhaled in the scent of herbs and flowers this time.

"You've met your mother," Veronique said slowly when I sat across from her.

"Yes."

"How was she? Did she wish to live with you?"

"She wasn't my mother."

"Pardon?" Veronique paused as she went to pick up her cup. I took mine and drank, but the taste wasn't appealing to our tongue. It was like water with some bitterness. I added some sugar cubes, using the metal tongs carefully.

"Excusez moi?" she repeated herself.

"You're excused. I simply realized she wasn't my mother, so I don't need to find a mother anymore. Agnes, Edith, or her. I'm done with this."

"So have you thought of what you'd like to do now? Talk to the remaining vampires in Jardin? Escape with them, maybe?"

"Not really," I said flatly. "I'll stay with Cecile."

"I didn't want to spoil the news, but she's been afraid to tell anyone but Gregoire and I as of now that she's actually with child."

I dropped a cube and it fell onto the table. Only one side of it collapsed, breaking off into smaller pieces of sugar until it was eventually fine grain. It was like a house collapsing.

I was suddenly in the tower again as people rushed around me.

"...is with child!"

"She's bearing a girl?"

"I hope it's a girl..."

"Oh, wonderful news!"

And then I saw the faces of Lorelei, Elsie, and me. Our grimaces, so similar to one another's.

"Marie? Margery? Margery—"

"I heard." I dropped the tongs and picked the remaining cube of sugar with my hands.

Despite Veronique's protests I dropped it into my tea and the gentle splash made me think of Edith's hands being cut, finger by finger, until all there was were ten sausages on the dock.

I held my hand to my mouth and this time I vomited, only liquid, but Laurel was quick to guide me towards a pot in the room, and I vomited there. Burp after burp I felt more sick and I wanted to cleanse my insides, all the blood I drank from those men, all my memories of the tower and clan and that woman.

Veronique and Laurel's soft whispers reached my ears as Laurel laid me to the couch to rest. Sobbing, I imagined Cecile bearing a child and wished I could've been born to a loving mother like her, even to a loving father like Gregoire—parents who loved me. Parents who wanted me.

"Can I see her give birth safely at least?" I asked amidst all the sobs.

"Of course you can. But after giving birth, they plan to return to Gregoire's hometown. They'd be delighted to bring the girls but I think they can stay with us, too." Veronique was telling me they wanted everyone but me.

"Yes. And what about Uriel?" I asked.

Poor, beautiful Uriel. I would've loved him back if I was a human girl, could've had a family like him. Could've had children and laughed together, but there was an aching fear I'd be like her. I recounted Agnes drowning in a pool of blood and the despair I felt that very moment.

"Yves will study vampires once more, and since Gregoire will be a professor and no longer travel Uriel would make for a fine companion."

"I see. That's good." I laughed. "Maybe he'll find a vampire who loves him and would cherish him."

"Yes. I'm glad you're understanding about this, Marie. It's hard to explain, but truthfully it does make me uncomfortable to see you with him. Sometimes when I see his eyes on you I think he's simply infatuated with your face. Of course, beauty is fine and dandy, but—"

"It's fine, Veronique," I cut her off. Her soft and nervous voice made me feel like a villain. "I'm glad you'd let me stay until Cecile delivers. I'm bored anyways. I'll see her child and then I suppose I'll go off in my travels too and explore the human world."

I wiped my eyes and felt strangely serene. I looked up and once I saw the two, I knew it was fine. They'd care for Lark, Adalyn, and Bernadette at least. Gregoire will protect Cecile, and I'll be the only one without a home.

It's fine.

I deserved this hell.

***

A few days after I was joking with the girls and teasing Lark, Cecile decided to break the news.

"I'm pregnant," she said.

"No way!" Yves shouted, more alarmed than anyone.

"What? Why?"

"Gregoire, when did you—" Yves saw the girls and closed his mouth.

"It's only a month or so old, vampires can feel it faster!" Cecile argued for Gregoire, face flushing easily as hers did.

"Can I touch your tummy?" Lark asked, already clambering out of her seat to Cecile.

"That's—" I tried to think of a word, "interesting!"

"What?" Uriel asked, looking at me blankly.

"Anyways, when's it due?" Adalyn asked.

"Maybe less than seven months?" Cecile answered. I raised my eyebrows.

"Something's off from the numbers. I suppose it's been three months?"

Cecile's downturned eyes told me the answer.

"No way!" Yves repeated himself.

"Why is that strange?" Uriel asked. Yves gave him a look but gestured to Lark.

"I know," Adalyn said, "that's why he proposed to you! I read in books if you don't do it the child is a bastard."

"What—"

"No," Bernadette hissed. "Gregoire married her to take responsibility."

"No, I married Cecile because I want her as my wife—and family!" Gregoire laughed in goodwill. He seemed more entertained than mad. "And we wondered if anyone would like to come with us to be an older sister for our child?"

"I want to!" Lark piped up.

"But it'll mean leaving Adalyn and Bernadette," Cecile explained to her, stroking her head. "It might be lonely."

"I think it'll be better for Adalyn and Bernadette to be together as they are of the same age," Veronique said. "What do you girls feel?"

"I suppose so," Bernadette said slowly, looking at Adalyn. "As long as I have Adalyn I should be fine anywhere."

"I agree," Adalyn said. "We're like twins. I can't remember a time without her."

"Then I'll have to leave you?" Lark looked at Veronique with sad eyes.

"It'll be fine! You and Cecile will come for Christmas, won't you?" Veronique chuckled.

"What about Margery? Who is she with?" Adalyn asked.

Eyes turned to me, and I swallowed the lump in my throat before tossing back my long hair.

"I don't want to take care of you three immature brats. I'll go on a journey. I'll visit, I suppose, if I'm invited."

Lark started balling out of nowhere, and I felt as though I were Elsie, looking at young me.

"Lark? Lark!"

I reached out and jumped out of my seat to hug her. Her small body against mine, heart beating, sobs still trembling, made me so sad.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," I repeated endlessly as she sobbed and hugged me back.

"Will I see you again?"

I didn't want to lie, but her eyes were so small and teary. "Maybe, if I don't die."

I kissed her wet cheeks, and inhaled the scent Lark had. It was already mingling with the roses in the house, but I liked it.

"She won't die," Yves said. "Trust me, I've tried," he added jocularly. The table laughed awkwardly but Lark was now more sad over me leaving than Cecile's baby.

After that, Cecile's belly did swell a bit. We were all cautious and ready to do anything for her, but she only smiled politely as always.

"I'll do things, Margery, I'm really fine!" she said one time when we were in the dining room, setting the plates. The three men were away for some reason.

"It's the most crucial time!" I said. Then I realized it reminded me of the tower. "I want to be of help for you, Cecile."

"Then let's talk, she said, sitting down when she finished her part.

I hurriedly placed the plate at each seat before pulled a chair out to sit across from her.

"What's the matter?"

"How was meeting your mother?" she asked, frown on her dear face. I smiled with my teeth showing.

"I realized she wasn't the Elsie I remembered. She never loved anything like she did her freedom. It's been a month, hasn't it? I moved on—I feel so much better."

"Then what do you mean by traveling? Don't tell me alone?"

I tilted my head. "But I do want to travel alone. What is wrong with that?"

"You know what!" Cecile said in a low whisper. "Uriel loves you, I know his feelings aren't just out of—aren't because of your beauty."

"Well, I only see him as a burden," I retorted. "I don't want to travel with a human who will need breaks to sleep and eat and it's obviously more expensive. Not to mention I have been using him as a blood bank."

"No!" Cecile said in exasperation.

"Yes. And I enjoy it too much. I can't stay with him anymore." I shrugged casually. "I'll tell him when it's time."

But I knew I wouldn't.

I was a coward.

***

As much as I tried to distance the two of us, and I laughed at dinner and took care of Cecile when she needed me in her fourth and fifth month, his eyes wouldn't leave mine. But it was hypocritical of me, because when I thought he wasn't looking, I'd look at him.

Uriel caught my wrist one night before I left for my room. I turned to him with a smile.

"Uriel! What do you want? I need be with Cecile—or do you want to tend to her needs?"

"Stop joking, Margery. I want to talk."

"You said you'd do anything, right?" I asked. "You said that right when I came to this house, maybe six months ago. Amusing to think we've been here for so long."

"Margery, stop pretending."

"Fine." I dropped my smile and gestured to outside the house.

We left, Laurel too busy with cleaning up after dinner to notice. Outside the moon was only a crescent, scattered with stars of varying sizes. Uriel sighed as he felt the warm air.

"I hope Cecile delivers safely," he said.

"Me too," I agreed.

We watched the skies for a while before be asked, "Will you take me with you on your travels?"

"I wasn't serious. I didn't plan anything, I just didn't want to be a burden."

"I thought so."

Did you? I wondered.

"Can I hug you?"

"Why?" I smirked at him. "It's too late to sleep with me now."

"I just thought you might want one." Uriel's somehow sad eyes looked at me, and I wanted to hate him, hate these sweet words.

I opened my arms and hugged him, suddenly realized how much I'd missed physically touching someone I loved. Unlike my hug with Lark, however, he was warm as a human and taller.

When he hugged down I felt the warmth envelope me in the dark. I remembered the journey we went through from that first day he told me coldly he would use me to how sorry he was, wild hair blowing in the snow. And now, he was hugging me innocently, chin in my hair and my face in his chest.

Ah, it had been funny once to tease him and even ignore his affections like a puppy, but somehow now it was the most painful thing.

Four or three more months, I told myself. I didn't have long, so let me hug him just a second, no minute, or minutes, longer.

Let us pretend we were a happy couple like Cecile and Gregoire.