Arrogant Witch

A Screenplayby Ashley G. Valentine

INT. KINGS CROSS STATION, LONDON - AFTERNOON
Uncaring writer MISS ASHLEY VALENTINE is arguing with admirable private detective DI FRED JONES. ASHLEY tries to hug FRED but he shakes her off.

ASHLEY
Please Fred, don't leave me.

FRED
I'm sorry Ashley, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more caring. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of running away when it gets tough.

ASHLEY
I am such a person!

FRED frowns.

FRED
I'm sorry, Ashley. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.

FRED leaves.

ASHLEY sits down, looking defeated.
Moments later, loving nurse MISS KATE BLU barges in looking flustered.

ASHLEY
Goodness, Kate! Is everything okay?

KATE
I'm afraid not.

ASHLEY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...

KATE
It's ... a witch ... I saw an evil witch force a bunch of children to eat soap and die!

ASHLEY
Defenseless children?

KATE
Yes, defenseless children!

ASHLEY
Bloomin' heck, Kate! We've got to do something.

KATE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.

ASHLEY
You can start by telling me where this happened.

KATE
I was...

KATE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

ASHLEY
Focus Kate, focus! Where did it happen?

KATE
a book shop! That's right - a book shop!

ASHLEY springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS
ASHLEY rushes along the street, followed by KATE. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - SHORTLY AFTER

ALEX PLUMB an arrogant witch terrorises two children.
ASHLEY, closely followed by KATE, rushes towards ALEX, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

KATE
What is is? What's the matter?

ASHLEY
That's not just any old witch, that's Alex Plumb!

KATE
Who's Alex Plumb?

ASHLEY
Who's Alex Plumb? Who's Alex Plumb? Only the most arrogant witch in the universe!

KATE
Blinkin' knickers, Ashley! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant ghost in the universe!

ASHLEY
You can say that again.

KATE
Blinkin' knickers, Ashley! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most arrogant witch in the universe!

ASHLEY
I'm going to need swords, lots of swords.

ALEX turns and sees ASHLEY and KATE. She grins an evil grin.

ALEX
Ashley Valentine, we meet again.

KATE
You've met?

ASHLEY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME
A young ASHLEY is sitting in a park listening to some school shooter music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees ALEX. She takes off her headphones.

ALEX
Would you like some peppermints?

ASHLEY's eyes light up, but then she studies ALEX more closely, and looks uneasy.

ASHLEY
I don't know, you look kind of arrogant.

ALEX
Me? No. I'm not arrogant. I'm the least arrogant witch in the world.

ASHLEY
Wait, you're a witch?

ASHLEY runs away, screaming.

EXT. A BOOK SHOP - PRESENT DAY

ALEX
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.

KATE
(To ASHLEY) You ran away?

ASHLEY
(To KATE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

ASHLEY turns to ALEX.

ASHLEY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!

ASHLEY runs away.
She turns back and shouts.

ASHLEY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with swords.

ALEX
I'm not scared of you.

ASHLEY
You should be.

EXT. TOWER BRIDGE, LONDON - LATER THAT DAY
ASHLEY and KATE walk around searching for something.

ASHLEY
I feel sure I left my swords somewhere around here.

KATE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly swords.

ASHLEY
You know nothing Kate Blu.

KATE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, ALEX appears, holding a pair of swords.

ALEX
Looking for something?

KATE
Crikey, Ashley, she's got your swords.

ASHLEY
Tell me something I don't already know!

KATE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.

ASHLEY
I know that already!

KATE
I REALLY LIKE LIME PIE.

ALEX
(appalled) Dude!

While ALEX is looking at KATE with disgust, ASHLEY lunges forward and grabs her deadly swords. She wields them, triumphantly.

ASHLEY
Prepare to die, you arrogant carrot!

ALEX
No please! All I did was force them to eat soap!

FRED enters, unseen by any of the others.

ASHLEY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Ashley Valentine defender of innocent defenceless children.

ALEX
Don't hurt me! Please!

ASHLEY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these swords on you right away!

ALEX
Because Ashley, I am your mother.

ASHLEY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects herself.

ASHLEY
No you're not!

ALEX
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

ALEX tries to grab the swords but ASHLEY dodges out of the way.

ASHLEY
Who's the weak one now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, ALEX slumps to the ground.

KATE
Did she just faint?

ASHLEY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly swords.

ASHLEY crouches over ALEX's body.

KATE
Be careful, Ashley. It could be a trick.

ASHLEY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Alex Plumb is dead!

ASHLEY
What?

ASHLEY
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.

KATE claps her hands.

KATE
So your swords did save the day, after all.

FRED steps forward.

FRED
Is it true? Did you kill the arrogant witch?

ASHLEY
Fred how long have you been...?

FRED puts his arm around ASHLEY.

FRED
Long enough.

ASHLEY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Alex Plumb.

FRED
Then the children are safe?

ASHLEY
It does seem that way!

A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.

FRED
You are their hero.

The children bow to ASHLEY.

ASHLEY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Alex Plumb will never force children to eat soap ever again, is enough for me.

FRED
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the children passes ASHLEY a healing pendant (I thought of, wrote, and edit with in 24.... minutes.)

FRED
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.

ASHLEY
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

ASHLEY
Well, if you insist.

ASHLEY takes the pendant.

ASHLEY
Thank you.

The children bow their heads once more, and leave.

ASHLEY turns to FRED.

ASHLEY
Does this mean you want me back?

FRED
Oh, Ashley, of course I want you back!

ASHLEY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

ASHLEY
Well you can't have me.

FRED
WHAT?

ASHLEY
You had no faith in me. You had to see me scare a witch to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.

FRED
But...

ASHLEY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Kate.

KATE grins.

FRED
But...

KATE
You heard the lady. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!

FRED
Ashley?

ASHLEY
I'm sorry Fred, but I think you should skidaddle.

FRED leaves.
KATE turns to ASHLEY.

KATE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?

ASHLEY
Of course you are!

The two walk off arm in arm.
Suddenly KATE stops.

KATE
When I said I like lime pie, you know I was just trying to distract the witch as tri don't you?

THE END