"One can be the master of what one does, but never of what one feels." -   

                                                                                                                              Gustave Flaubert                                                                                                                                       

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The afternoon sun beat down on the Eon as Sanskaar drove away from Little Flowers. He turned the AC up as he swung out onto the main road.

He had dropped in for a visit after a half-day session at his office and business over lunch. It was good, the timing of his visit. He'd just gone over the finances with Father Benedict. Little Flowers needed his help, and about time too. The building where the kids were housed was way overdue for repairs. He decided to get a structural audit done. And made another decision that Maheswari Inc wouldn't foot the bill, he would.

He liked the idea that he could do something for those children, that they needed his help in some way. He smiled as he thought of them. They came in varying degrees of mischief...sweet little devils. Every single one that he ran into today wanted to know if his shoulder was alright now, and one poked him just to make sure, equal parts glee and concern. 

And the recent addition to their family, an angel baby girl. Whom Father Benedict had named Angel, aptly. He'd seen her once in one of the nuns' arms when stopped for a quick hello. She had looked right at him and smiled. The world lit up with that smile, and he knew he was being dazzled... When the nun tickled her chin, her laughter gurgled through the church, and some of the other kids ran up to play with the baby. Their excitement was catching, and they made him shake hands with the tiny form. He remembered the feeling of absolute delight when she smiled at him again, the kids delight in his, and the knowledge that they had accepted him into their little world...

He shook his head in wonder as he turned a corner. That was an orphanage he'd just been too. And there was unconditional acceptance, boundless joy and laughter there. No matter where they lived and in what circumstances, children had so much capacity for love and joy, and were unfailingly generous in the giving of it...

Then he remembered the one person he didn't meet that afternoon. Their cricketer Didi with chocolate brown eyes: Swara...

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He caught himself thinking of her again, as he had so many times the past two weeks. Once for every twinge. In remembrance, he flexed his left shoulder. He had to miss the gym for a few days, but it was fine now. Funny little thing, he thought as he remembered her profuse apologies and big doe eyes and child-like innocence. And so many smiles. He smiled again.

Just then his phone rang. He switched on the handsfree. "Yes mom," he turned the radio down. "Ha ma, aa jaunga dinner pe time ko." He shook his head in loving exasperation. Typical of mom... And then she made his day, all over again. "Uttara?!"

He parked on the curb, took his shades off. "Wow, that's great news Ma...kab aa rahi hai wo? Kal? Of course Ma, me khud jaunga usse lene...Ha dhyan se drive karunga. OK, Ma, see you soon. Love you," he clicked off, then started the car again.

Uttara, D/o ram Prasad and Sujata, his chacha and chachi. He hadn't seen her in two years...he missed her. He missed pulling her pigtails, he missed having her nag him for small favours, their little fights and her complaints to Bade Papa. And how he used to pacify her with chocolates...He started the car back up, smiling widely. His little sister was coming home. And if she thought he didn't get her anything when she came home after so long - he grinned, thinking of the pouts she'd give him and the razzing he'd give her. Good, he took the rest of the day off, he thought. He would have time to pick some gifts for her. And his new Eon was camouflage enough for the impromptu shopping, just like it was for his trips to little flowers. The Eon's engine didn't have the robust purr of the sports cars he was used to, but it did well enough for his errands. And it was inconspicuous. No one would imagine Sanskaar Maheswari driving around in a little Eon, he thought, just a little smug. Now, what would he get her...?

He drove slower, idly scanning the shops en route. Chocolates were a given, else their tradition would be broken. He smiled fondly. Definitely chocolates. But what else would girls her age like. Shoes, bags, sunglasses? Those were hot topics in his office for most girls. And the dresses. But for all those he'd have to bring her along, he mused. No point gifting her something that may not be of her tastes. What else, what else, he sang softly.

"Ah-" a flash of light caught his eye, and he turned to look, slowing down to a crawl. There on his right was the glass storefront of a gift shop, where somebody was stocking the display cases. Some girl who was bouncing around arranging things, talking to someone behind her. He couldn't see her face, but with the long skirt swirling and dark hair bouncing, she made a pretty picture, dancing around with this innate grace. Energy bounded off her in waves.

She felt oddly familiar; curiosity piqued, and he stopped the car to look. Because it was a gift shop, he thought two birds and one stone. He got out and locked the car, turned. And when she turned back again to talk to whoever it was with her inside, Sanskaar found himself smiling.

He just knew it, He didn't have an iota of an idea how, but he knew it. What quirk of fate, that this girl popped up wherever he went these days? Doubly curious now, he stepped inside.

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The bells above the glass door jingled as he pushed it open. He was greeted by a whirlwind of colours and sounds and Swara.

The girl was a dynamo, there was no other word for it as she dashed about the store in good cheer. Laughing at something the shopkeeper said, she whirled again so she came face to face with Sanskaar.

He was struck by the eyes yet again... Last time they brimmed with apologies. This time her eyes danced with laughter. What beautiful eyes.

"Not Again", Sanskaar told himself as his thoughts drifted back how he was charmed by them at their first meet.

Her smile brightened as she recognized him. " Hi, " she held out a hand. "Sanskaar, right?" There was a fresh dash of excitement to her tone, and it pleased him.

He shook her hand, smiling back. Like her friends at Little Flower, her excitement was contagious. At least in mild doses. He smiled again. "Hi, Swara." Oddly enough, it felt like he was meeting an old friend. "Tum yaha?"

"I work here. Part-time," she added before he could open his mouth to ask. "Gift?" she gestured towards the shelves around them.

"Yes," he scanned the shelves end to end. "But I'm not sure where to start," he said dubiously. There were too many things in there, sparkling and tinkling, dancing figurines, pretty music boxes, baskets and goody bags full of sweetmeats.

He could strategize business meetings and multi-pronged marketing campaigns, but buying something nice for his sister suddenly seemed fraught with confusion.

She laughed seeing the confusion in his eyes. She had seen them scan everything, settle on each thing for a moment, weighing, then moving on to the next as he reconsidered. Quick thinker, she deduced. Just a bit confused about gifts. Must be someone special. That was when things mattered, and nothing seemed enough. His eyes went to all things pretty and girly, ergo it was a female someone. Taking pity on him, she smiled her kindest smile.

"So, what's the story?" she asked.

"Huh?" That brought him back from mental browsing to the girl in front.

She laughed again. "Story, Gift ki. Sabka koi story hota hai. Kisi ki girlfriend roothi hogi, pehle baar milne ki, anniversary bhoole honhe, behen ka janamdin hoga, etc," she eyed him, mischief sparkling in her eyes.

"Kiske liye hai? I can help you," she softened the smile towards the end, remembering her obligation as a salesperson and feeling sorry for the general male population over gifts for the ladies in their lives.

"Oh. Wo meri -" his phone rang just then. 

"Excuse me," he told Swara, turned so his profile was sideways. She smiled, thinking of his 'meri'. Her guess was right, female recipient for the gifts.

" Haan Kunal, bolo," he said in hushed tones. "No, not tomorrow, line it up for some other day Ok, Bye," he turned back to see Swara had been shanghaied by another customer, more distraught than him. Harassed looking middle-aged guy, talking to her animatedly. She smiled warmly, guided him towards the other section of gifts.

Damn Kunal! he thought as he slipped his hands into his pockets and turned to survey the shelves himself. He had to call now... Then he caught himself. Why was he cursing his assistant for a little interruption? And remember -Swara, She was smiling at him when Kunal had called. Trying to figure out his own reaction, he picked up one porcelain doll. Maybe she'd drift back his way. In any case, he had to buy something for Uttara, with or without anybody's help.

There was a tap on his shoulder. He turned, and the answering smile to hers came involuntarily. "Mila kuch?" She asked in a tone that did feel like they were old friends. 

He shook his head. "Meri behen ke liye hai. She likes chocolates, but I'm not sure what else I should get her. She's coming home after a long time."

"Hmm. Age?" she asked, all business. But her tone remained warm. Fun. Like they were co-conspirators.

"22," he supplied, surprised when she took his arm and guided him to the left.

"Aur kya kar rahi hai woh...?"

He found himself telling her things about Uttara, and was surprised at her skill in interrogation. All her probing was gentle like she had checked his shoulder. And the gifts she helped him pick seemed just right. Hell of a salesperson, he thought. The girl was smart and insightful. She understood her clientele well, steered them towards what they wanted subtly. And subtlety was an art.

They had picked a cute little Ganesh idol, 'cos Uttara was going for higher studies. A pretty music box with a dancing ballerina and a sweet tune wound up in it because she liked melodies. A nice diary because she would need an organiser and planner. A wicker basket of full of chocolates, And a little statue, which he liked the best. Swara had seen him eyeing it, and placed it in the hamper without a word. It was the statue of a little girl holding her brother's hand. He hoped it reminded Uttara that he was always there for her, friend and guide.

They proceeded towards checkout to have the gifts wrapped. He thanked her for her help, she waved it all away. All in a day's work, she insisted. Then he heard her bid her byes to the elderly shopkeeper, head to the back of the store. It was like when he had walked into the store. She was here now, then gone like a lightning bolt. 

"Bye bhi nai bola?" He thought as he paid for his purchases. "Ajeeb ladki hai," he muttered to himself as he collected the boxes from the counter.

"Here let me help," Swara the tornado was back, all smiles and warmth. She held out a big plastic bag for the gifts, even plucked some out of his hands to place them in. "Bye, Mrs Gonzales," she waved to her employer again as she walked out with Sanskaar.

He noticed she had a bag slung across a shoulder. "Shift over," she explained with a smile. "That your car?"

He nodded.

"Bye, then," she waved and turned before he could utter a word.

"Hey, Swara," he called out.

She turned. "haan"

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"Can I offer you a lift somewhere?"

"Oh." She considered a moment. "Actually, I had some shopping planned for my friends. Little Flower ke friends," she added with a fond smile. "Stationary and stuff. Aur Phir meri bhi hai thodi si grocery shopping. Kis taraf ja rahe ho?" He pointed it out for her.

She shook her head smiling. "Thank you for offering, but its the opposite direction. I'll walk."

"Can I join you?" he asked suddenly.

"Huh?" Now it was her turn to be surprised.

"Wo Jo tum bacho ke liye le rahi ho," he explained hurriedly. "I don't know Father Benedict ne tumse kuch kaha ki nai, par-" he wished he hadn't blurted it out like that. What was wrong with him when this girl was around? He never had trouble handling people. Never had anybody dodge, weave and overrun him with good cheer like this, or be two steps ahead of him the whole time.

. "Oh, right," She remembered, Father Benedict, Unhone kaha tha you want to help out." She was nodding rapidly. "Sure, Aa jao. But ye bill me lungi." She said with a firm smile. "It's something I do for them."

He nodded, understanding. "Chale?"

He shifted the bag to one hand so he could open the door for her. "Thanks," she said with a surprised smile. Gentlemen were so rare these days.

He placed the bag on the backseat, then came around to his side and got in.

And they set out for supermarket.

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They stopped in front of the store which was neither too small nor too big like malls but meant to serve the needs of the people in that locality.

As they stepped out Sanskaar turned to her, "waise kya lena hain hame bacho ke liye? You said stationary... And wait, let me guess-chocolates?"

She smiled back."Woh tho default hain , they just love chocolates," she rooted through the contents of her handbag. "main hamesha apne paas stock rakhti hoon ..aur phir- hmm ek sec," she drew out a list from her bag,"haan tho chote Rahul ke liye colouring book aur crayons - wo thoda kharab kar dega par bhi; use acha lagta hai," she told him with a wink, then went back to the list. 

"Next Chintu ke liye storybook, Sneha ke liye sketch pens and watercolour- she's a very talented artist - drawing book bhi. Nikhil ke liye notebooks, Rana ke liye bhi books, pens aur..." and the list went on for about two dozen kids. With little remarks tossed out about each one, for his benefit. Sanskaar watched her amused. How cute, he thought. He had heard scary chronicles of girls shopping from most of his friends, but with her, it sounded interesting.

They started off with shopping for kids. The stationary section was colourful, to say the least. Swara handed the lengthy list. He read, she plucked things from shelves and placed them in the cart. Bundles of notebooks, packets full of pens, colour pencils, oil pastel crayons, normal crayons, water colours, colouring books, storybooks, brushes, paints. It took them all of fifteen minutes to go through her scroll.

Then she turned to him. "Baki ke items mere grocery list hai. Sure you want to stay? Bacho ka ho gaya."

"Ah, sure. I have the rest of the day off anyway," he told her, wondering if her list would be as long as those of the kids. Stationary and groceries. Well, this was new for him but with Swara, it was bound to be an adventure.

She was a champion shopper, zipping through the sections she wanted and plucking things off the shelves. Must be familiar with this place, he thought as he observed her speed and efficiency.

She grabbed a whole bunch of chocolates for herself, then added two packets in. The packets were for the kids, she explained. So she had a sweet tooth too, he noted. Not just their little friends. She was fun to watch, he thought. Her concentration as she compared dates and prices of different brands was somewhat comic, but they gave him interesting pointers on buyer behaviour, first hand.

She was peering down at a pack of organic sugar, her curls fell down across her face obscuring his view for a moment. Instinctively he just wanted to gently take them off her face and in next minute, he wondered at his own thoughts. Swara flipped them back in one of those off-hand gestures. She discarded the pack of organic sugar with another one of her mysterious smiles.

"Ridiculously expensive," she told him, selecting a normal brand and pack.

Catching himself staring at her, hoping she didn't notice, he checked her list again. Noted they were almost through with her list as well. "Olive oil," he read off the next item for her. She nodded, picked one bottle and put it in the cart. She moved to the next aisle, consulted her mental list. Nodded to herself, then picked a few things on her own.

Sanskaar was consulting his watch, surprised they had spent nearly fifteen minutes here too, and the huge cart was almost full to the brim. But it was an interesting half-hour, dashing through the different sections of a supermarket at Swara's speed. List done, he thought. She looked up at him "Ho gaya na?"

"Yeah, done." He said with a smile and she smiled back.

He liked her smiles way too much, he realized suddenly. She was always smiling, mischievous, mysterious, charming and warm by turns. He'd have to rethink and analyse later why he noticed these little--

Glancing around, Swara remembered one more thing, which she had forgotten to put down in her list. "Sanskaar," she said off-handedly, "uss section main se aashirwaad lo na please."

That stopped his train of thoughts midway, and he did a double-take

"Aashirwaad?", totally lost be blurted out " Kiska?!"

Swara looked at him with a blank expression and next minute she burst out laughing.

He looked around, realised where they were standing. Flour. Rice, wheat, refined wheat. He realized what she meant was Ashirvaad atta. Damn, and he calls himself section head of marketing.

"Yeah, got it. Kitna?" He berated himself silently. What happened to the presence of mind? Flour section should have told him this before he made a fool of himself.

Swara approached him, desperately trying to control her laughter, "2 kilos," she disguised the next burst as cough, barely concealed. "isse pehle kabhi grocery shopping nahi kiya hai kya?"

He shook his head no, feeling like he'd failed a basic test on vowels in school. And he'd never. How embarrassing...

"Iss liye", she coughed again, doing her best to choke down the merriment. It wouldn't do to be amused at another's mortification. A giggle escaped still as she pushed the cart forward. "Let's go," she stared straight ahead. Looking at him would just send her into gales of laughter. Bad manners, Swara, Hasna bandh kar, she told herself.

He followed her, annoyed with himself. If he hadn't been staring at her or her bouncy curls or musing on her collection of smiles, he wouldn't have made such a silly mistake. Next time, he huffed. He'd be more alert in the flour section or whatever - wait, wait what? Why was he contemplating grocery shopping with her? Again? And why was he annoyed with himself but not her?

Just now as she bent to retrieve items from her cart, he was pretty sure she was shaking with laughter. Shouldn't he be angry? Strangely, he wasn't. And for some reason he himself couldn't decipher why? And he was thinking of homework before the next shopping session. "What's wrong with me..." He muttered.

"Hmm?" She looked up, all innocent eyes. The little devil was still choking down laughter, he was sure. 

"Nothing", he said, still trying to figure out what's happening with him. Around her his mind definitely was not working usual, sometimes her eyes, then her varying degrees of smiles which are leaving him totally defenceless.

She dug out her purse to pay for her purchases, sneaking a peek once at him trying to gauge his reaction. Maybe he felt bad, she thought but did she just notice a grin on his face??

He caught her sneaking glances a then pretending she didn't see him. Annoyance fading away already, he found himself smiling.

Next time, Sanskaar told himself again, looking the other way and smiling some more. He dug his hands in his pockets and waited for the clerk to ring up the sale.

Next time...

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