Chapter 9

Han Jisung

"PDnim said that you'll gonna be out on public as a member of Stray Kids this coming Monday!"

I'm nervous. What if their fans hate me? What if they don't like me?

It's been two weeks after I passed the monthly evaluation. They're planning to make their comeback this Monday. The same date that their fans will meet me.

I'm dying my hair blonde. It's my decision tho. Chan hyung asked us if we want to dye our hairs for the comeback.

He talked to the hairstylist for her to give us the opportunity to pick our hair color for our comeback.

We're already done with the recording. We're just polishing some of our choreography and we're ready to go and do a comeback.

Comeback.

I'm not really comeback-ing because first of all, I didn't even get the chance to debut with them.

I didn't debut with them.

I should feel nice about me being a member of Stray Kids but why do I felt so uneasy? Why do I have a hunch that something bad will happen?

Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe I'm just overthinking things.

I just sighed before taking my anti-depressant pills.

You might be curious why I'm taking these pills. It's because of one mistake that changed my life.

I can't even think about it again. When that person's face appears in my mind, I get more and more scared just by thinking of him and what I've done to me.

I'm scared! I shouldn't be! He's gone now!

"Ji?" I literally threw the bottle full of my pills because of Felix's voice.

"Did I startle you? I'm sorry." I reached out for the bottle that's close to my foot.

"Why are you doing here anyway?" My voice came out a little bit louder than it used to be.

"Uhh... I just want to check you. You seemed to space out often today. Are you alright?" Am I?

"I'm fine. Don't worry, Lix." I faked a smile while those lies left my lips.

"Oh, okay! Maybe I'm just overreacting!" He said with a smile. Suddenly, some staff called him.

"You're not overreacting. I'm not really fine." I whispered as he left, running.

I sighed again before standing up.

I should probably go to my apartment since Chan hyung gave us a 'rest day'.

I grabbed all my stuff and left some words to the staff present that I'm going to my apartment. I ride the bus, as usual.

I remember that night with Minho hyung. That night where I ride the bus with him. Although he didn't speak that much, it feels nice being next to him.

We don't talk that much but I can literally feel myself having butterflies on my stomach every time our eyes meet.

I can feel my heart racing every time my name left his beautiful pair of lips.

I shouldn't be feeling this so fast! I should stop this!

But how?!

Minho hyung is perfect just the way he is. He's beautiful. He's nice. He's talented. Everyone could literally fall for him.

And that just made my life a lot harder. Can he not be as perfect as he is for just one day?

The bus stopped indicating that I should go now. I shook my thoughts off and go out of the bus.

I mindlessly walked not until I got to catch up to a group of girls chit-chatting.

"I heard there will be a new member of Stray Kids!"

"Yeah, I saw his poster outside the new JYP Entertainment building days ago."

"I bet he knows someone big inside and told him to make his debut!"

"He probably doesn't have any talent!"

"His name is Han Jisung, I think?"

"Even his name sounds so bad."

I heard every single harsh word that they threw to me.

I probably lie if I tell you that it's nothing.

Every damn word struck me so hard and it fucking hurts!

"I bet he knows someone big inside and told him to make his debut!"

"He probably doesn't have any talent!"

I have no words for them. I just fasten my walk to the point that I ran away from that place where that girls were.

I slammed open my apartment door after opening the lock. I closed my door after going it, slamming it shut.

I slide down behind my apartment's door, crouching down as I buried my face into my knees. I can feel tears welling in my eyes.

Why are they so rude?

Why do I keep seeing people being rude to me when I didn't do anything but to make myself happy?

"Being alone is hard," I muttered as tears started to left my eyes.

I suddenly felt hopeless.

I shouldn't be! I'm gonna pursue my dream soon. I shouldn't be like this! I shouldn't be...

Multiple knocks on my door stopped me from crying.

"Jisung? Are you there?" A familiar voice made me shot my head up.

"Are we on the right address? This house is so quiet. Maybe we're in the wrong house?" I heard a mumble from outside.

I wiped my face quickly before standing up.

"Should we left?" I was about to open the door when the most familiar voice answered. Minho hyung.

"Maybe. No one's answering." I just stand behind my door while holding the doorknob.

"No! We shouldn't leave! Try calling him one more time. Maybe he's in the bathroom or something."

"You got a point. Alright, Jeongin please try calling him."

"Alright! Jisung hyung!". I swung open the door that's keeping us from seeing each other.

"See! Told you he's here!" Felix said with a big smile.

"What... What are you doing here?" I asked with my croaky voice.

They're complete.

Woojin hyung. Felix. Changbin hyung. Jeongin. Hyunjin hyung. Seungmin. Chan hyung.

Minho hyung.

"The staff told us that you left uneasily. That bothered us so we-- wait! Did you cry?!" Hyungjin hyung exclaimed.

My eyes get puffy easily when I'm crying even tho it's not that long. The others looked at me worriedly.

"You lied to me! You said you're fine!" Felix said with a worried voice.

"Can you guys just come inside first? Your feet will hurt if you kept standing there." I said trying to dodge their worried eyes. They all agreed.

I made them stay in the living room. I go straight to my kitchen to get them some snacks.

I came back with some ramyeon. That's the only thing that my kitchen has. I don't really eat here. I just stored some instant ramyeon for whenever I felt like eating when I'm at home or something.

They're all sitting on the floor so I put the 9 cups of instant ramyeon on the floor and gave them 8 disposable chopsticks.

"Thank you for this." Woojin hyung said with a smile. I just smiled back. I hope they don't sense that my smiles are fake.

They all eat except Hyunjin hyung and Minho hyung. I kept looking at the two who only gave me glares.

"Tell me. Did you cry, Jisung-ah?" Hyunjin hyung asked me. The other awkwardly stopped eating as they looked at the both of us.

"I mean, can't you see it already? My eyes are puffy and red, same as my nose. What answer are you waiting for?" Okay. I know that came off somewhat rude.

It just pisses me off when someone kept reminding me that I'm such a crybaby. That I'm such a weak person.

"Sorry." Hyunjin hyung said while putting his head down.

"I'm... I'm sorry... I... I didn't... I didn't mean it..." I said. I completely regret what I said because of his reaction.

Suddenly, someone was messaging me in my neck. And it made me calm down.

"There. Are you fine now, Ji?" I heard Felix's voice from behind.

"Thank you, Felix." That's all I can say.

We all finished eating and they decided to stay.

"So, I'm curious. What's with you two and why are you so close? Are you guys... Dating?" Chan hyung asked. Felix and I looked at each other.

"Ew!"

"Yuck!"

The others laughed at both of our reactions. My face shows that I'm so disgusted and so does Felix's face.

"He's just my best mate. That's all!" He said.

"Really? How come you knew each other?" This time, Seungmin spoke for the first time since they got here.

"I met him in Australia years ago. I think his dad brought him there. He entered my school. Studied there. Met me and became friends. He stayed there for 3 years and that 3 years is a wholesome the amazing years of my life." Felix said while reminiscing.

I smiled as I remember our moments together. This time, it's for real.

"In those three years, I managed to know so many personal things about him and vice versa. I managed to rap with him and perform in front of many people. That's where I got casted. I was wondering why those people who casted me didn't look for you." Felix looked at me.

"I mean, you're a lot better than me that time. You're much more deserving than me that time."

"Felix, they tried casting me too," I said while sighing.

"Oh? Why aren't you got to go to Korea with me then?" He asked. I sighed first before answering.

"I... I didn't accept their offer."

"You didn't? Why?"

"Because of him."

"Because of that bastard?!" Felix's voice went louder.

"Felix, please. Can we just please don't talk about him?" I pleaded to him. He sighed heavily before speaking.

"Sure. You're still affected. I see."

I am.

So please, Felix.

Stop me from being affected by him.

Please...