By the time the girls arrive, my mood has grown even more melancholic and subdued. I try to greet them with the most fraudulent of smiles I can muster. As soon as they see my raw throbbing cheek, and not to mention my puffy eyes and swollen lips from all of my crying, their sweet faces soon drop. I can't even bring myself to look into their concerned eyes because my babies shouldn't be seeing me like this . . . ever!

"What's happened, Mum?" Lissy asks fearfully.

"Do you mean this?" I casually point to my face. "Don't worry, my darling. I stupidly walked into a filing cabinet drawer. Katie had it open and I wasn't looking where I was going. It looks worse than it really is." I hug her reassuringly.

Lottie is watching me intently. "It must have hurt a lot because you've been crying," she innocently says.

"It did hurt, Lottie. I'll survive, though. I just need to look where I'm going, that's all." I forcibly laugh. My blatant lie appears to have worked because the girls instantly relax. To avert their attention away from my miserable mess of a face, I walk into the kitchen. Opening the fridge, I grab the bean shoots, peppers and mushrooms. "I'm thinking of making a stir fry. Is that okay?" I ask, still trying to sound as normal as I can be.

"That sounds good," Lissy says, leaning against the fridge freezer.

"Can we not use the green pepper, Mum? They always taste more bitter than the red and yellow ones," Lottie asks with a cute scrunched up face.

"Just chop up the ones you do want then, darling." I smile as I open the drawer to take out the wooden chopping board, placing it on the worktop in front of Lottie. We all busily start preparing dinner. I'm busily frying chicken strips, plus I'm on noodle duty, while the girls eagerly slice vegetables. Such a simple chore brings me much needed respite from my emotional day. The girls' lighthearted chatter is just the tonic that I need to lift my stamped on spirits.

Now my mood has somewhat brightened, I decide to tell the girls about seeing Shawn. "I expect your dad will tell you girls, but I've been to see him today . . . we had a lot of things we needed to talk about." Trying to play down our meeting, I continue to stir the chicken that's sizzling away in the pan, without looking up at either one of them.

"Oh?" Lissy asks in surprise.

"What did you talk about, Mum?" Lottie asks, pushing a pile of diced mushrooms in my direction while she waits for my answer.

"Lots of things, darling."

"About the house?"

My eyes widen, surprised by Lottie's comment. "Did your dad tell you about selling the house?" I ask with interest.

Lissy intervenes. "He asked us the other night how we felt about moving." She casually pops a piece of red pepper into her mouth.

Swirling the noodles around, I look at both Lissy and Lottie. "How do you feel about moving?" I ask.

Lissy smiles. "Whatever makes Dad happy, makes us happy."

Feeling incredibly proud, I open my arms, a silent request for a cuddle, which both girls happily give. "You both are growing up so fast. I can't tell you how proud I am of your maturity." With my arms draped around both of their petite shoulders, I give them a motherly squeeze. "I think your dad feels that a new start would be best, I have to agree with him." I now have two pairs of beautiful blue eyes looking deep into my own. I feel awful about lying to them earlier, but I genuinely believe that telling them that their beloved father hit me, during a brief moment of complete madness, would do so much more harm than good. That knowledge would destroy them. I know it would. It has taken them both such a long time to get to this point. They are at last happy. I won't ever be the one to hurt them again. No, this is definitely something that they must never know about. For as mature as they are about things, that painful knowledge would be all too much for their growing adolescent minds. To morally balance things out, I decide to be honest about the divorce. "There's also something else you should know, and I want you to remember that we both love you very much." I pause before continuing. "Your father and I are going to get a divorce." I swallow hard as I say the words. The girls both look up at me for a few seconds. I try to read their thoughts but their faces are expressionless. Shit! I've said too much . . . too much too soon!

Lissy then smiles. "I thought it would happen at some point." She speaks so softly, so casually, that sweet relief quickly embraces me.

"Me, too." Lottie's downcast eyes shoot up at me.

With a content sigh, I broadly grin. "I love you both so very much." I kiss the tops of their precious heads, deeply inhaling the scent of their floral shampoo. Everything about them brings inner calm to the storm that rages inside of me.

"Does this mean that you and Dad are friends now?" Lottie asks with hope reflecting in her eyes.

I smile. "I would like to think that we are moving in that direction, my darling."

"Really?" Lottie's eyes instantaneously brighten.

I softly laugh. "Yes, really! Although I'm not with your dad anymore, I still miss him, you know?" I admit with the tail end of a whimsical smile.

Lissy wraps her willowy arms around me. "I'm really glad that you and Dad are talking now. I don't like it when you both hate each other." She snuggles in closer to me.

"We don't hate each other, Lissy. When people are hurt, they say bad things to one another. Things that they often don't mean." I stroke her silky hair, lovingly sweeping it off her shoulder. "It was a very difficult time when I met Jonny, but I promise you, your dad and I care about each other and always will," I add with a reflective smile.

"You seem a little sad today, Mum. Is that because of the divorce?" Lottie asks, cuddling me.

"I suppose I am," I solemnly answer with the smallest of smiles that I'm able to conjure.

Lissy too, offers me the sweetest of cuddles. After a few moments she pulls back, looking up at me with a thoughtful frown. "Can I ask you something, Mum?"

"Anything, darling."

"Can we come and stay with you and Jonny in London now?" Her smile is broad.

I look down at them both, grinning. "Really?" I ask, surprised.

"We've only spoken to Jonny on the phone since he got back from America, it would be nice to spend some time with you both . . . now that he's home," Lissy maturely answers.

"He would absolutely love that! I would love that!" I reply, hugging them again; but really tight this time.

Lissy looks over her shoulder, watching the bubbling noodles. She gently pulls away from me, walking towards the cooker. "Can we visit this weekend then?" she asks, lifting a steaming hot noodle out of the pan with a fork and blowing it frantically, so she can taste whether it's ready or not.

I quickly throw all the vegetables into the sizzling wok alongside the cooked chicken. "Of course you can!" I reply over the sound of the frying food. "Okay then girls, being as we are talking of fresh starts etcetera. There is something else that I would like to ask the two of you."

"What is it?" Lissy's head is tilted at an inquisitive angle.

Looking at them, I ask, "Do you think it's time to give up this flat? If you are both now happy to come to London every weekend, it seems silly to keep this place on." I skilfully toss all the stir-fry ingredients around the scorching wok, waiting on their answer.

Lissy gently shrugs. "I suppose so. At least then we can really get to know Jonny." Then she happily turns to take out the plates from the kitchen cupboard, carefully lining up three beside one another.

"What do you think, Lottie?" I ask.

Lottie smiles, also shrugging her shoulders. "I don't mind, Mum. It would be good to see more of Jonny. Coming here all the time means that we're not really getting to know him," she casually replies.

I smile. Judging by their laid back attitudes, dare I believe, that we have in fact reached a complete acceptance of Jonny and me? Ironic really, when my emotions are absolutely all over the place today, but I'm also relieved and in complete awe of my wonderful daughters. Lydia is right, as always. I truly do underestimate them in every way. I look down at my feet, desperately trying to overcome my emotions that have resurfaced once again. Jeez, I'm such a cry baby!

Lissy's sweet face is looking at me. "You okay, Mum?"

I stand straight, lovingly smiling at them both. "I honestly don't know what I've done to deserve such gorgeous girls like you. You've handled whatever has been thrown your way with such maturity. I want you both to know how much that means to me." I open my arms again and they immediately rush into them.

Lottie is grinning up at me. "You once said to us, Mum. That everything was going to be alright, and now I know it is."

I squeeze her hard in my arms. "Yes, it is." I sigh deeply, knowing that maybe it would be.

My thoughts quickly turn to Jonny and of our awful exchange of words earlier. I'd give anything to have him here beside me. I realise now that I handled Shawn's news all the wrong way. I should have let Jonny in, instead of pushing him away; especially when he had been so lovingly concerned about me.

His hurt face still taunts me. It was incredibly cruel of me to let Jonny believe my feelings were anything other than sadness over the end of my marriage to Shawn. I suddenly feel panicked. What if I've hurt him too much? Maybe everything isn't going to be okay. Maybe I've monumentally fucked things up. I need to make this right. . and now!

"Girls, I just need to call Jonny. Then we'll eat, okay?"

"Okay, Mum," they chorally say together.

I walk out of the kitchen, so I can talk to him in private. I'm dialling the number as I head towards my bedroom in the flat. Perching myself on the end of the bed, the ringtone continues to ring, and ring, and ring some bloody more. I feel helpless. I've really pissed him off and now he won't speak to me. Shit!

This was not a time for stubborn foolish pride. With panic drumming around inside of my chest, I decide to send him a text.

I'm so very sorry. I'm in love with you and ONLY you.

Yours only . . . Jessica xxxx

I take a deep breath as I press send, praying that I've done enough to convince him.

***

My evening is spent tied up in knots because I still haven't heard a thing from Jonny. Even a chat with Lydia earlier in the evening, does little to help subside the scared, guttural feeling that I've been carrying around with me all night long. Silently, I've been tearing myself apart with a pretend smile on my face, because I didn't want the girls to know just what a stupid, pathetic bitch I really am.

I slump into bed after a long, depressed shower. I miss and ache for Jonny so damn much. I can almost smell him; the yearning is that bloody strong. I keep replaying our bitter conversation over, and over, and over a bloody again, in my hurting head. How could I have been so awful to the man who loves me with everything he has to give? I'm haunted by every single, painful detail of what happened between Jonny and myself. They twist mercilessly in my mind. After God knows how many hours of relentless thinking, I finally do manage to drift off to sleep.