Can you imagine how it must feel to have all of your dreams and wishes just handed to you on a beautiful platter?

To have a happiness inside of you that surpasses any happiness that you've ever felt before? A heavenly kind of happy. An unimaginable kind of happy, well, that's the kind of happy that I feel.

I am feeling numbly elated. I'm wearing a grin that would make the Cheshire Cat look positively depressed. I keep trying to make sense of what has wonderfully happened to me; what has wonderfully happened to us.

Earlier on today, I just had to put myself out of my curious misery. I just had to know for sure whether it could possibly be true. So after one nervous pregnancy test and the boldest blue lines that I've ever bloody seen, I finally have the confirmation of what I already suspected. I'm pregnant.

Yup! I may be one ovary down, but I'm definitely carrying Jonny's child. The thought had vaguely crossed my mind, days ago. I was just too damn stubborn and scared to admit it. I've been suffering with fleeting bouts of nausea and inexplicable tiredness; only I tried to put it down to complete exhaustion. Being at the helm of Mason's Toys and Ecosively For You, whilst Jake and Lydia took their three week long honeymoon. I just figured that because they're now back, and things have slowed right down for me again; that the exhaustion had just kind of caught up with me.

I guess, I just didn't want to believe in the impossible. I didn't want to painfully get my hopes up, when I had already convinced myself, time and time again, that I'd never be able to fall pregnant. I was absolutely sure that I'd never feel a baby inside of me again. I was certain I'd never be able to make Jonny a daddy.

Yet, I have. I really bloody have.

I'm going to be a mummy again, and Jonny is going to have the child that we both secretly dreamed of having.

It was only after feeling particularly rough this morning, that I toyed with the idea of discreetly buying a pregnancy test before meeting up with Erin for lunch. I'd been feeling pretty crap for days anyway. But this morning, when the smell of Jonny's coffee had me retching so badly that I had to dash to the loo; only then did the thought that I really could be pregnant, implant itself into my stubborn little mind. In fact, it was while I was heaving up the frothy bile that I clearly remembered having the exact same thing happen when I was pregnant with Lissy and Lottie. I remembered how certain smells would set me off and have me gagging until I was horribly sick. Armed with that memory; I knew that I had to buy a pregnancy test en route to my lunch date with Erin. I felt that rough, I did consider cancelling on poor Erin, but after everything that has happened to her, I didn't think it fair.

I figured that some fresh air might rid me of the relentless nausea that I was feeling, and that I also had a very good reason to get out of the coffee smelling apartment!

The pregnancy signs have indeed all been there, I just didn't want to face them. I tried to push the silly thoughts away from my scared little mind, yet the thoughts kept on coming. Even as I was paying for the test, I kept asking myself, What the hell am I doing? Why was I even wasting my time and money?

I just didn't want to allow myself to believe that I really could be pregnant. That the impossible had indeed become possible. I didn't want to build up my hopes, only to have them torn down by seeing a single blue line. I suppose it was morbid curiosity that simply got the better of me, in the end. It was morbid curiosity that made me go into the toilet of that bistro and pee on that bloody stick; all the while a completely oblivious Erin sat and ate her lunch.

I honestly don't know how long I sat on that bloody toilet, staring down at the two blue lines that told me I was bringing a new life into the world. A beautiful new life was being brought into both of our lives. The first thing I wanted to do was call Jonny but thought better of it. He had already called me twice and sent three worried texts to check that I was okay after my throwing up session in the toilet this morning. I knew that if I called him, I'd only end up a sobbing mess anyway, and then I'd have to go out in public looking a complete and utter wreck. A happy wreck, but a wreck nevertheless. Then I'd have Erin asking questions, questions that I wouldn't know how to answer. No, this was something I had to do face to face.

I would just have to sit on my wonderful news until I saw Jonny. I didn't want anyone to know before him. I wanted him to be the first person that I told of our baby. Besides, it's the night of Jonny's premiere, too much shit was going on today. I knew that I needed to tell him at the right time. It had to be a special moment when I told him our crazy but wonderful news. My decision was made. I'd tell him after the premiere.

So after getting my shit finally together, at some point, I did return to Erin and her cute but obvious bump. On so many occasions, I had to stop myself from enviously staring down at her stomach, knowing that in just a few months time; I'd be sporting the very same and beautiful bump.

Fortunately, most of our conversation was all about Erin. How working with Jonny has helped her in so many ways. How excited she is to be assisting him at the premiere later today. How her awful heartburn keeps her awake at night, and how excited her parents are about becoming grandparents. Although my mind is very preoccupied, most of my time with her is mainly positive and upbeat. It's only when we are saying goodbye, does she ask me whether it's still wrong to miss Griffin so terribly. I do what any kind person would do, give her a strong cuddle and tell her no.

I truly feel for Erin, she's had such little support from Denley's parents. Although she's told them that she's carrying their dead son's child; they have refused to have anything to do with it. They haven't offered her anything. No emotional support. No financial support, nothing.

Erin knows that she could fight it, but she's all out of fight. She's very lucky to have the full and loving support of her devoted parents, who have agreed to help her in any way that they can. So for now, Erin is happy to focus on just her and her baby. Their future is dependent on what she does from here on in. Although the loss of Griffin still remains with her, she also knows that the happiness of their child now lies with only her.

Jonny is certainly pleased to have Erin back on board. The promotional lead up to this bloody premiere has been an absolute nightmare. So many people want a piece of him. He's absolutely exhausted, yet he still carries on in true Jonny Riley style. My exhaustion has only been affecting me for just a few days; Jonny's has been going on for months. God only knows how he manages to keep himself from falling off the promotional merry-go-round.

I'll just be glad when all this hype about his new film finally dies down, so he'll finally be able to take some much-needed time out for himself: some much-needed time out for us and our baby.

So after a day of having to sit on my life-changing news, I'm now relaxing in the back of the car, with Simon taking me back home after my lunch with Erin. Unable to stop thinking about my gorgeous fiancé and how he'll react when I tell him that I'm pregnant, I can only smile with a soft and happy sigh.

Looking out of the tinted window, I dreamily think of my tired but very wonderful Jonny. With my finger tapping my mouth, I try to tame the smile that refuses to leave my lips; remembering the time that he told me we had just made a baby, following that infamous lap dance fuck. Then my happy thoughts are startled back to reality, when the car is brought to an abrupt halt with Simon needing to do an emergency stop; tightly swerving into the left hand side of the road. Both myself and Simon then watch a speeding ambulance rush through the stilled traffic; disappearing with only the faint sound of its siren being left behind. A chill rushes down my spine, causing me to shudder. I wonder of what awful thing has happened to cause that particular ambulance to be so desperate to fight its way through the London traffic. It's funny how people can be at such opposite ends of the happiness spectrum. Here I am, unbelievably happy, then there's someone in that speeding ambulance, maybe having the worst day of their entire life.

Simon unknowingly pulls me out of my reflective thoughts. "Sorry about braking hard, Jessica. That ambulance just came out of nowhere!" He looks at me from his rearview mirror, looking almost embarrassed.

I smile at him, feeling more relaxed now that the ambulance has gone. "No need to apologise, Simon. I was miles away too. I didn't hear it until it was right on us," I answer, hoping my reply banishes his uncalled for embarrassment.

He softly chuckles. "I had noticed."

I stare at his warm brown eyes, wishing I could share just a snippet of my news with him, but I can't. Simon isn't just someone Jonny employs to drive me around and chaperone my girls; he's become like the little brother that I never had. I'm just as fond of him, as he is of me.

"Will Jonny be coming back to Chelsea before going to the premiere this evening?" Simon asks.

With a casual shrug, I smile. "I'm not sure. He has so much to do today. He has his suit with him, should he not have time to come home first. All I do know at the moment, is that he's arranged for me to go in via a secluded side entrance. I'll be meeting him inside."

Simon frowns a little, a small smile pulling on his amused mouth. "Didn't you fancy the whole red carpet thing tonight then, Jessica?"

I laugh, my head thrown back a little. "You know me, Simon. I'll do everything I can to avoid the red carpet." I wear a wry grin, as I bring my head back down to look at him.

Simon chuckles again, nodding. "Yes, I do know, Jessica."

The smile fades from my mouth, needing to explain my valid reason for not wanting to accompany Jonny on the red carpet tonight. "This is Jonny's big night. He's worked so hard for this film. He deserves all the glory at the premiere this evening. The die hard Rilettes will only want to see him as he walks in, I'm happy to enjoy the rest of the night with him instead." This time, my smile is smug.

Simon agrees with a slight nod, before focusing on the busy road ahead of him. All this talk of Jonny has me wondering if he's okay. I decide to call him. I know he's crazily busy, but I may be lucky to catch him at a quiet moment. Tapping in his number, I eagerly wait for his voice to answer my call. His mobile disappointingly keeps on ringing until it goes to his voicemail. I don't bother to leave him a message. I know he'll call back when he has time, and hopefully soon, because today, I'm missing him more than ever. I place a discreet hand on my stomach, knowing that the tiny life inside of me is going to be so very very loved.

Almost straight away, my phone comes to life in my other hand. I glance down with my heart flipping over when I notice it's Jonny returning my call.

"Hello, Handsome," I brightly say, so pleased that he's called me right back.

"Jessica, it's Beef." His voice sounds strange.

Taken aback, my heart drops. "Beef?"

His words spill out over a panicked breath. "Jessica, you have to get to St. Thomas' Hospital."

Afraid, my voice becomes higher. "The hospital? Where's Jonny?" My breaths burst in and out with an intolerable coldness sweeping across my body.

"I'm so sorry." There's a tremor in Beef's voice. Something is terribly, terribly wrong.

He's scaring the living shit out of me now. Fear and impatience force my reply out, "What's happened, Beef?" I plead for an answer, fearful of what it may be.

A loud intake of air is being expelled from Beef's lungs before he hurls his rambling reply back at me. "I'm so sorry, Jessica. It just happened so fast. I tried to stop her but I couldn't. Fuck! I just couldn't!"

In a shrill voice, I beg again. "What happened, Beef? Please, I need to know!"

There's only a deafening silence.

I wait for Beef to tell me what has happened, with his fear latching itself onto me and rooting me to my seat in the car; I continue to desperately wait.

The painful silence is soon broken by Beef's shaky whisper. "Jonny has been stabbed, Jessica." I hear him crumble on the phone. He's sobbing down the line, stuttering and mispronouncing words.

Some awful words I do manage to catch between his incoherent tears. Crazy woman . . . Tried to hug....Jonny . . . Shouting . . . Knife . . . Stabbed . . . Blood . . . Hospital.

My mind shuts down. I don't want to hear anymore. Simon is trying to talk to me, but I cannot bear to hear or speak. I close my eyes, dropping the phone. The sound of my wounded heart thrashes in wild beats within my ears. My thoughts literally hurt as they bombard my mind. Jonny stabbed? No! No! No!

I want to run from my thoughts. I want to run with no destination in mind. A creeping pain is soon felt in my chest, lungs, and throat with the terror that has ambushed my body. I start to hyperventilate. The dizziness hovers around me, making me feel weak and useless. Squeezing my eyes tighter, I start rocking; whimpering Jonny's name over and over again. This can't be happening! I'm in a nightmare, and someone is going to wake me from it at any minute! Please, wake me from this nightmare. Someone? Anyone?

Pressing my confused fists to the sides of my head, the whimpering becomes a silent sob. I can hear Simon trying to communicate with Beef on my phone. I hear him repeat those awful words again. Knife . . . Stabbed . . . Hospital. I clap my hands over my ears. No! No! No! I don't want to hear those awful words again. Please stop talking! I inwardly scream for silence. My quiet sobs become rasping sobs. Soon the tears are streaming from my eyes with full body tremors. My sobs turn into screams. I scream for Jonny. I scream for me to wake from this nightmare. I just scream.

Just like that. My bubble of happiness is popped. Just like that. The bottom of my world literally falls away from my feet.