1 | Elephants

A gasp sucked into Ryan's mouth as he was suddenly jolted awake by a nightmare. His wide eyes searched the ceiling frantically in an effort to ground himself. Though his heart continued to thump in his ears, he relaxed once he realized he was safe at home. It was calm here. The rain falling on the windows gently, the moonlight washing the room in blue, it was calm. The nightmares always felt so distance once they were over, but in the moment, they were as surreal and horrifying as a real memory—Of course, that may have been because in part, they were real memories.

Ryan turned his head towards the door just in time to see the hallway light pop on. The door cracked open, a tiny hand hanging off the doorknob. "Uncle Ryan?" Blair's little voice murmured, "I had a nightmawe. Can I sweep wiff you?"

"Yeah, baby." He sat up, swinging his legs out from under the blankets. "Go 'head and get in bed. I'll turn off the light."

"Nooo, weave it on! Pweease!" She whined.

"I can't, sweetie. It'll go in Jani's room and he'll be grumpy in the morning." Ryan reached out into the hall, flipping the switch. "But, I'll do you one better. I'll turn on the closet light, okay?"

Blair humphed down into the bed, muttering an "Otay."

Once flipping on the magical closet light that would undoubtedly scare away all the terrible monsters, Ryan climbed back in bed and helped her get situated. "You got your blankie?" She held it up to show him. "Okay, good. And you've got Ellie?" She proudly held her elephant plushie in his face. Ryan smiled, "Perfect. I promise, I won't let anymore scary nightmares get either of you. Now, let's go back to sleep."

She seemed rather content once she'd snuggled herself in next to him. This was nearly a nightly occurrence for Blair. Ryan had gotten used to her using his arm as a pillow. He never thought Chris and Ricky's kid of all people's would be afraid of monsters under the bed, but given what she's been through, he couldn't blame her. He closed his own eyes and listened to the rain until eventually falling into a light sleep.

It was one of those sleeps that felt like it lasted five minutes. His alarm woke him up at 7AM sharp, just as it did every weekday morning. Blair scooched herself off the edge of the bed and ran to the bathroom in hopes of beating her older sister. Ryan couldn't quite muster up that kind of energy two seconds after waking up.

"Hey, dad, can I borrow-" His teenage son stopped dead in the doorway. "Woah. You look like shit."

"Thanks, Jani."

"Sorry. I've got a few extra minutes before I gotta go. Is there anything I can help you with?"

"Start the coffee maker." Ryan said, "Was there something you were going to ask me for?"

"Lunch money."

Ryan grabbed his wallet off the nightstand, cracking it open to see nothing but loose change. "Fuck. I'm all out of bills."

"It's cool, dad. I can grab something from home." Jani bolted off towards the kitchen to start a brew and rummage through the pantry. Ryan sighed to himself, once again feeling utterly pathetic. Like his son really cared that he forgot to go to an ATM this week, but it was the principle of the whole thing.

An hour and two strong cups of coffee later, the girls were getting on their bus and Jani had long ago sped off to catch his first class. Ryan debated going back to sleep, but he didn't see much of a point. He'd take the lethargy over the nightmares any day. It'd been the same thing day in and day out for a year now; Get Jani—and now the girls—off to school, then sitting with his guitar waiting on inspiration to strike. It rarely ever did, and it wasn't like the old days.

This new pace had it's advantages. He got to spend a lot more time with his son, actually see him grow. As much as he cherished that fact, he hated the reason he was here. It only took the smallest memory flashing through his mind to shut him down. This time, it was hitting just the wrong set of chords out of habit and remembering the studio; Remembering another countless day when Chris and Ricky had lost themselves in the music and each other. When they got caught up in an idea with each other, it was as if no one else existed. That small image of the two sitting together, writing and smiling, it was enough to completely drain Ryan. He kicked back on the couch, deciding maybe a nap didn't sound too bad after all.

His walls used to be filled with memories; Guitars, records, magazine covers, even his old tour laments. He used to be the sentimental type, but that was before.

An hour later, Ryan woke up to his phone ringing. He reluctantly answered, "This better be important. I was sleeping."

"It is important." Justin replied, though his tone indicated otherwise. "Does your son like guys?"

That woke him up properly. "Excuse the fuck?"

"You heard me." In the background, Ryan heard Shae asking impatiently what he'd said. Justin sighed, telling her he hadn't gotten an answer yet. "Look, I know it's a weird question, but him and Alex have been spending a lot of time together, so I was just wondering."

"If he likes boys, he hasn't bothered to tell me. Did Alex even tell you yet?"

"Yeah but he's your son! Wouldn't you, like, know? Or at least find something a little sus in his room?"

"I don't go through his shit." Ryan responded, "And don't ignore my question. Did Alex actually come out to you or not?"

"Well, no, but Shae's pretty positive-"

Shae's voice jumped in following a quick, "Just give me the phone." She continued, "My son's gay. Trust me. Mother's intuition or whatever, but I don't know about your son and Alex asked to spend the weekend with Jani. At your place."

"Why do I feel like I'm the one on trial here?" Ryan said.

"The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

"I- Goddamn it. Yeah, that's fair. But Jani wouldn't do anything with the girls here. And if you're so worried about it, just tell Alex he can't spend the night."

"I can't do that!" Shae declared, continuing on about how she isn't going to be that kind of parent, yadda yadda. Ryan tuned half of it out and started walking around the house doing chores while Shae and Justin bickered over how to handle a situation that might not have even been a situation. After spotting the clock, Ryan escaped the conversation by mentioning the kids would be home from school soon.

In the afternoons, Jani picked the girls up from elementary school. Ryan had just started on dinner preparations when he heard two little voices storming through the front door in excitement. He lifted Blair up on the counter, happily prepared to hear about her day. Her older sister, Layla, was already in her independent stage. She got that stubbornness from Ricky.

"Hey!" Ryan called after her before she could reach her room. "Do you have homework?"

"Math!" She shouted back.

"Do you need help?"

"Nope!" With that, Layla was instantly gone.

"What about you, Princess?" Ryan questioned Blair, "Any homework?"

Blair nodded, opening up the folder in her lap. She handed him two pages. One had animals that needed to be colored in and labeled, the other was simple addition. Ryan was relieved whenever the girls asked for homework help, but horrified when Jani did. A musician that barely made it out of high school wasn't exactly qualified to be tutoring calculous. Sometimes, Jani liked to frighten the girls by telling them about how his math had letters in it.

Speaking of, Jani seemed to be taking his sweet time coming in the house. Ryan noticed, but kept his attention focused on the baby. She presented him with another paper, exclaiming, "I drew dis for Daddy! It's a kitty!"

"This is so good!" He beamed, "I can give it to him tomorrow if you want."

"Otay!"

Ryan's attention was redirected to the door as it opened. He handed Blair her homework and helped her down, telling her to head to her room for awhile. His rather tall goth son had a rather small emo bean at his side. Gee, wonder what took them so damn long to get in the house. Maybe he's just letting Shae and Justin's conspiracy theories dirty his thoughts.

"Is it cool if Alex stays over this weekend? His parents said it was okay." Jani said.

"Can you watch the girls for a few hours tomorrow?" Ryan asked.

"No problem. We can play Pokémon again."

"Then Alex can stay." As the two boys walked away, Ryan added, "And Jani! Don't do anything I would do."

The color drained from his face. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

The smell of a hospital was sickening. Ironic. This walk down what felt like the world's longest hallway, it hurt. It always hurt. It bit away at Ryan's heart worse than even the memories. When his visit was over, he'd undoubtedly sit in his car for a good twenty minutes and cry. For now, though, he musters up any strength he had to pretend like they aren't here.

The door was slanted at the top. Anything you'd find in a normal room was either tied down or taken away. The fake hardwood floor was supposed to make it feel a little less cold, but it had more of an uncanny valley effect than anything else. Everything here always felt just a tad like a bad dream, from the brown and beige walls to the thin white sheets. But nothing, not a damn thing, felt more unreal here than Chris sitting on that bed.

Ryan tested the waters first, got a gauge for where his mind was at today. Sometimes, talking about the girls made things a lot worse. It seemed safe enough, so he retrieved Blair's drawing from his pocket. "She made it for you." He said, "The nurse said I can't let you keep it though."

Chris scoffed, "God, do they really think I'd kill myself with my own kid's drawing?" He handed it back to Ryan. "I don't know how you could even kill yourself with a piece of fucking paper."

"People can do some pretty crazy things when they're desperate. They weren't this on edge last week. Did something happen?"

"They got on my fucking nerves. That's all." He snapped. "I know what they all think. Big fucking deal, everybody's got dead people. What makes you so special? Why can't you handle it like everyone else?"

"I'm not going to waste my breath telling you you're wrong because you won't listen to me."

"It never felt real when you or anyone else said it. It only felt real when Ricky did." The room fell silent a moment. Chris' anger dissipated, disappearing somewhere behind his depression. "Did you remember the flowers this week?"

"Vinny put 'em out. I got too busy with the kids." Ryan rose to his feet. "I, um, I should get going. I've got some errands to run before I go home. I've got two teenagers to feed this weekend... Jani's been teaching the girls how to play video games."

"Do they like it?" Chris asked.

"Layla gets really into it, but Blair just likes the cute animals. They're both being really brave through all of this, but I can tell, they miss you."

He paused, lingering on Ryan's words. There was this terrible strain in his throat. Just as Ryan began to leave, he asked if he could see Blair's drawing one more time. Chris was barely able to let go of it without his eyes watering. He turned away from Ryan, turned away from everything, just like he has for a year now.

a/n: aye so i did decide to make this a full story! aside from this first chapter, it'll be short form like my other slice of lifes.

i don't have a big plan for this, so i'd definitely appreciate some suggestions. thank you, guys <3

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