TAGS INCLUDED/ADDED: (Anxiety! Panic attacks! Abuse! Mentions of past abuse!)

ANOTHER LONG CHAPTER!!!

Daniel was no stranger to panic attacks. In fact, he was very well acquainted with them.

His first attack happened when his parents' divorced when he was just 7 years old. Danny, obviously, had no idea what was going on. His little sister, who was only 3, began crying when she saw what state he was in. This only made the attack worse.

Eventually the attack passed.

They became a regular thing. Daniel would normally have one at least once a month from about the age of 11. Then he left when he was 14. His mother remarried an abusive asshole. He abused Daniel, mentally, physically and sexually.

He never raped him or anything, but he would sneak in and take photo's of Daniel when he was changing from school or from a shower. Daniel had told his mother and showed her the photos, but she didn't believe him. Apparently he was an intelligent boy who could stage this with no problems. Then the jackass started degrading him and throwing him around.

Daniel had only lived with him for 3 years before he left. Jackass never hurt his mother or sister, only him. So Daniel stole his debit card and withdrew a large sum and left Chicago for New York.

Whenever anyone mentions anything about Chicago or his previous life, it throws him into a nasty attack. However, sometimes absolutely nothing can set the attack off. Be it a nightmare, the way the books are arranged, or a sudden change. For example, when Henley left. Daniel had one of the worst panic attacks of his life then. Henley was the only one who was clued in on how bad they can get. He'd only had 2 in the year and a half he was with the horsemen.

The attack was so bad, it caused Daniel to pass out. No one knew. He was left there, suffering silently. The attacks picked up frequency after Henley had left, almost twice a month. Daniel began to seclude himself in his room more and more.

He eventually became very aware of the symptoms before he had one. Normally, he'd wake up feeling like he was going to be sick, he wouldn't eat or drink, he'd go through hot flushes, dizziness and faintness, etc.

Daniel's attacks subsided somewhat back down to one a month when the horsemen received new plans for a new heist. Knowing the symptoms helped a lot because when Daniel felt nauseous or dizzy, he would stay in his room and wait for the attack to pass.

It normally followed after no sleep or a nightmare, which, normally was a 50/50 draw on what would ruin his day.

Another large indicator would be his agitation at everything. When he was staying at a shitty motel in New York when he was about 17, the curtains blowing the wrong way and the pole holding them up was creaking set him off on an anger spree. He'd thrown the pillow at the rail and then punched and screamed into it.

Daniel had gone to bed the night before feeling angry at Merritt, Jack and Lula... especially Lula.

"Is he always like this?" Lula asked the room, meaning Daniel. He rolled his eyes and sneered at her, "Only to people I don't like," Lula had sighed at him and glared. "Is there a reason you don't like me? Or is it just your personality?" Daniel could see Merritt and Jack glancing at each other, worried. God knows they know once Daniel's in an argument, he won't quit. He and Henley went toe-to-toe nearly every day.

"No, I just don't like you. Don't take it personally." Daniel had snapped back. Lula scoffed, "Uh, yes, I'm taking it personally. Why are you such an asshole?!" They were both stood up now, viciously glaring at each other. "Lula, it's ok," Jack had spoken quietly, placing a hand on her shoulder. She shrugged it off with a scoff, "No it isn't Jack! He can't treat everyone like shit and get away with it!" Daniel had turned around to leave for his room, worried that he'd hit someone if he stayed in there anymore. "There he goes again! Leaving when he's wrong!" Lula shouted. Daniel had swung back around and stalked over. Merritt stood up from the couch, ready to intercept if he needed to.

(it hurt that they thought Daniel would hit a girl)

"I'm leaving because if I stay in this room any longer, I'm gonna hit someone. I don't care who." Daniel had spat, venom laced in his voice.

​​​​​​​It happened so quickly, no one had any time to react. Lula pulled her arm back and snacked him right across the face.

The whole room was silent. Merritt's face was formed in a shocked expression, Jack was staring at the both of them, caution in his eyes. Lula was still glaring at him, but her eyes were shining in fear. Daniel stared back at her, eyes wide.

Daniel could feel his chest begin to tighten and his eyes began to water, not just from the pain of her slap. He spun around and walked away. Just before he reached his room, he turned his head and glared with so much hatred in his eyes, that Lula visibly flinched. "You might have made your way into the Horsemen, but don't think you deserve to be here. You were just lucky. You have no talent, and nothing special. You're a spoiled little brat, who needs putting in her place. Slap me again, and you'll get just that." Then he slammed his door.

Daniel dropped onto his bed and picked up his roll of blue tack. He rolled it between his fingers, the stimulation bringing him back to reality. The blue tack flexibly rolled between his index finger and middle finger. The warm object kept Daniel grounded enough so he didn't fall into another attack. The slap from Lula brought back horrible memories from his mother's own hand.

Eventually, Daniel managed to get his breathing under control enough to avoid the majority of the attack. The rest of the evening he just felt like crying.

Daniel woke up the next morning knowing an attack was probably on the way. If last nights freak out was any indication, it was gonna be a bad one when it arrived.

Daniel stood up and walked over to his pill drawer, where he grabbed his antidepressants and GAD reducers. He dry swallowed 2 pills from each bottle and drunk a swig of water.

He opened his bedroom door and made his way to the kitchen to grab himself some breakfast. Daniel turned around to eat it at the breakfast island, which overlooked the dining area. Daniel could hear Lula's voice from the front room, and Jack's. It sounded like Jack was trying to calm her down.

Daniels nightmare came rushing back to his mind, and he pulled out the blue tack from his pocket and began rubbing it between his fingers again.

Merritt had basically dragged Daniel into the living area where they were to discuss the new plans from the Eye. Daniel had sat on the opposite sofa to Lula, as far away from her as he could get. Jack was sat next to her, and Merritt was next to him. Lula was glaring daggers at Daniel the whole meeting, and he reciprocated those glares.

Merritt cleared his throat loudly before continuing the plans. Daniel became completely sucked in. These plans were just as detailed and thorough as the last ones, possibly even more.

"So...uh...are you two ever gonna speak again?" Merritt asked. Daniel briefly glanced up before looking back down again, without saying a word. Lula had scoffed, "Uh, when he apologizes." Daniel bit back a nasty remark. Merritt sighed lightly before slapping his thighs.

Involuntarily, Daniel flinched.

The loud slap threw him back about 15 years ago. Daniel had just turned 10. His mom and stepdad had just announced her new pregnancy. Daniel's little sister, Amy, who was only 6, had started crying when they did. Their mom started to ask why Amy was crying and wasn't she excited for a new baby in the house? Amy had just wailed louder and yelled that she wouldn't be loved if the new baby came along. Daniel had hugged her tightly, knowing how it felt for a new baby to arrive... except he was three when he was told. Amy was 6. That's quite a difference in age. But anyway, their mom had tried to comfort her, but Amy just told her to go away. Their mom had sighed and left the room, clearly upset. Their stepdad had glared at them both before following his mom out.

Daniel turned to console his distraught sister by saying about how he felt when she was coming along and how he wouldn't change it for the world.

Amy seemed to calm down somewhat. Suddenly, the door to their bedroom slammed open. Their stepdad stormed in, anger clearly written all over his face. "You little brat! You've made your mother cry!" He sneered at Amy, reaching back to hit her. Daniel stood in the way and took the hit. Amy yelled his name as he hit the ground, crying in pain. "Pussy," His stepdad had spat before kicking him sharply in the ribs. He slammed the door as he left.

Daniel began playing with the blue tack again, desperately trying to refocus himself. He didn't look up from the plans. He felt slightly nauseous, his stomach was bubbling and rolling. Daniel looked up from the plan and saw Jack watching him worried. "What?" Daniel had snapped. He could see Lula's eyes narrow. "Ya know, he's just asking if you're ok. Ya don't have to be such a jackass." Daniel felt his anger and panic increase. Jack put a hand on Lula's arm to calm her. "Lula, it's fine. Something's clearly bothering him," Daniel swallowed thickly, and tried to regulate his breathing. "It's nothing, let's just read the plans and finish. I'm feeling cooped up in here." Daniel had replied, completely ignoring Lula's glare. Jack just sighed and continued talking about the plan.

Daniel tuned out at some point during Jack's speaking. His stomach was still twisting dangerously. His vision had started to go fuzzy at the edges and breathing felt hard. He was briefly aware of how cold he felt, but he knew he was hot from the sweat across his head.

Daniel was very much aware that this attack was going to be a really, really bad one. If nothing else was an indicator, it was how long the attack was taking to actually happen.

He needed to get out, and fast.

Daniel placed his head in his hand and groaned softly, trying to keep his breathing natural.

Daniel could hear someone talking to him, but his hearing went fuzzy. "Daniel!" Lula's voice rang sharp through his hearing. Daniel glanced up and saw the three other horsemen staring back at him. "Why are you all staring at me?" He'd snapped. Lula suddenly sighed loudly.

Then she stood up quickly.

This was obviously the trigger for the attack.

His breathing stopped.

His vision faded.

His throat closed up.

Daniel pulled himself up from the couch, swaying as he did. His vision was varying between tilting and not even working.

Tears sprung from his eyes, racing down his face uncontrollably.

He pushed past Merritt and Jack, intent on just getting to his room, where it was private.

"Leave him be, Lula. Somethings clearly wrong!" Jack's sharp command rang through the hall. "No, Jack! He's in the wrong, but he's still playing the fucking victim!" Lula had yelled back.

Daniels breathing abruptly cut off, it felt like someone was wrapping their hands around his throat.

Daniel suddenly felt his body fall to the side, luckily hitting a wall. He slid down it and hit the floor.

Daniel could hear someone running towards him, it sounded like Jack, he wasn't sure.

He wrapped his arms around his knees and pressed his head forcefully onto his knees. Someone grabbed his hands in their own, they felt calloused.

"Danny? Danny, can you hear me?" Daniel waved a hand on their direction. ​​​​​​​Go away I'm fine. He wanted to say.

His vision blacked out completely. His hearing rang. His breathing stopped.

MERRITT.

Merritt saw Daniel's pale and flushed face as soon as he'd dragged him out of room and instantly knew something was wrong. At first, he thought it was a case of the flu, or something like that.

But as the small meeting continued, Merritt could see more and more signs that pointed to something else, something mental, rather than physical.

When he'd slapped his thighs in a move to get up, Daniel had violently flinched and stared at the table. Merritt could see the empty, glassy look in his eyes that screamed PTSD FLASHBACK.

Merritt couldn't focus on the rest of the meeting, but only on Daniel. His fidgeting grew worse and worse, his face got paler and paler, his body shrunk in on it's self and his breathing grew steadily irregular.

It all clicked into place when Lula had stood up, yelling. Daniel's face abruptly turned white, and he'd stumbled off the couch, swaying as he walked down the hall. Daniel was having a panic attack.

Merritt called his name, determined to help. No one should have to suffer a panic attack alone. Suddenly, Daniel listed to the side and slid down the wall, his panic growing. Jack had yelled his name, but didn't move. Merritt had dealt with panic attacks before, both calming the person and being the one under attack.

He took one of Daniel's hands in his own, ready to hypnotise him. Daniel had waved his hand as if to shoo him away.

Merritt didn't leave.

Then Daniel lifted his head, and oh god, Daniel's face spoke volumes. His eyes were so full of pain and terror. "I can... I can... can't... breathe..." he wheezed out, his eyes darting around like an injured animal.

Merritt began to click his fingers on every 4th word as he spoke. "You will listen to my breathing, steady breathing, calm breathing, breathe in, breathe out. Breathing," This seemed to have no effect. "You can hear my voice, speaking ever so softly into your ears. Listening to my voice, hear my voice, learn my voice," Daniel's breathing still didn't level out. Merritt pushed on his chest, resulting to the last method he could think of. Forced sleep.

"You can feel your breathing evening out, your eyelids growing heavier and heavier, you can hear my heart beat, beating, beating. Fatigue is the one thing you feel, you know. When I say 3, you will sleep, sleep deeper that you have ever slept before... 1... 2... 3, and sleep."

Daniel abruptly went slack against the wall.

Merritt waved Jack over. "Come on, let's get him into his bed," Merritt could see Lula watching with wide eyes in the living room still. The two helped carry the 25-year-old man to his bed, where they dropped him down.

Merritt closed the door quietly when he left.

"Did I cause that?" Lula's quiet, scared voice spoke up. "No, that was an attack that was brewing for quite some time. I've not seen an attack that bad in over 30 years." Merritt replied, deep in thought. "So what was that then? Anxiety?" Jack asked. "No, that was a severe panic attack." Merritt said.

"Fucking hell, I never knew he had them this bad... or at all, for that matter." Jack had whispered. "It was my fault. He went all weird when I stood up." Lula said. Merritt shook his head, "No, he was weird when I got him this morning."

"Why did he panic when I stood up then?" Lula asked. Merritt sighed deeply, "I don't know. But judging on how he reacted to loud slapping noises and sudden movements, I think he was abused as a young boy. Quite badly, as you can both guess." Merritt explained. "Jesus man... I mean, my dad knocked me around a few times, but never that badly." Jack whispered. Merritt sighed again. "Guys, we cannot, under any circumstances, let him know we know how bad these get. He was clearly going to sort himself out in private, you know how reserved he is. If we suddenly start treating him like glass, he'll clock on and it'll just make it worse." Merritt addressed the two youngest horsemen. "Merritt, we can't just ignore this! He needs mental help!" Jack had whisper-yelled. "And he will, one day. We can't force him to. Jack, I know how it feels when someone witnesses you having a panic attack. You feel vulnerable and embarrassed. It just makes it worse. Please just treat him like normal." Lula sniffed loudly. "We will. What do we do about his abusive past?" Merritt bit his lip in thought.

"Just be more careful with your movements... and don't give him a load of shit when he does something wrong... even if he is a jackass, he's probably already been treated badly enough for his mistakes." Merritt finally said.

Jack and Lula nodded. "Ok, let's get some sleep. Today has been mentally taxing on everyone." The two formers nodded solemnly and left for their rooms, not saying anything.

Merritt waited until their doors were shut before he went in and checked on Daniel once again. He was curled up on his side now, facing the door. Merritt could see his chest rising and falling slowly and his skin had began to turn back to its normal pasty white, rather than ash.

Merritt closed the door quietly and left for the kitchen.

If he was going to get any sleep tonight, he'd need to help from some whiskey.