In and out. 

He takes deep breaths as he approached Eleanor's grave. It was a rainy day in London, and it was the same as his thoughts, gloomy. 

He got in a fight with Violet, and little Eleanor -being too little to understand what her parents are fighting about- just went upstairs to her room to play with her dolls. 

And right now, he needs his best friend. 

Eleanor is his best friend. His lover. His soulmate. 

Sure, he may be married to someone else right now. But that doesn't mean that he wouldn't have a special place reserved only for Eleanor deep within his heart.  

He's quite certain that he wouldn't feel the same way ever again to another girl. Not even Violet. 

Life never asked him what he wanted. He wants to have a family, a nice house, and Eleanor. He wants her. And maybe only her. 

Now, he's just gonna give his heart to Violet. But that doesn't mean that he wouldn't love the girl who made him feel a kaleidoscope of emotions, all at the same time. 

(When he's with her, he can feel happy, to being hyper, and somehow sad, as well as feeling like the only man in the world. He likes the way he feels everything when he's around her. There's no numbing state whenever she's beside him, or whenever her hands are placed in his.

He believes that they're two pieces of a broken heart. Eleanor was from a disfunctional family. Her parents weren't all decent, and her sisters are unlike her. They're all for fame and money, while Eleanor was for the love. And Louis, had a few issues involving his father. And several issues with the media. 

They're made for each other.) 

There was a guilt forming inside of him as he recalls why he fought with Violet. 

She was angry because she felt that he loves Eleanor Calder more than her. And she's scared. Scared that she might lose him when she's finally this happy. 

(But he doesn't know that...) 

He recalls back to when she went to his flat, breaking down into fits of tears as she read the batch of hate all over the social networking sites. It was three months into their relationship. ]

"I can't take this anymore, Louis" she sobbed as he held her closely. Not even wanting to let go. 

"They'd leave me alone. I can feel it. My friends would leave me alone and soon they wouldn't want to do anything with me, ever again. I-- I don't want that to happen, Lou!" 

He knew this would happen. He could have waited until she's sure that she's ready. He knew that she couldn't take all the hate that would be thrown to her once they went public. 

"Is-- is it so hard for them to understand that I.am.not.a.beard!" she yelled. 

He's never seen this side of Eleanor before. 

(And he never wants to see it again.) 

She's so fragile and breakable, that even the slightest touch could shatter her into millions of pieces. But he holds her close to him and he kisses the top of her head. 

"I would never leave you alone, Eleanor. I promise. Just promise me that you'll never leave as well" he says. 

She looks at him with her wide-eyed gaze. 

(The one he grew to love over the time.) 

"Promise." 

And he hugs her tightly. He doesn't want to let go of her, no, not ever. 

' Til' death do us, part ' he thinks. 

And tears stream down his eyes as he recalls their best memories together. He'd rather have the fragile girl beside him, than in front of him, six feet under ground. 

Love would never die. He's sure of that. 

It still hurts him in so many ways possible that the girl he's ever loved truly, madly, and deeply is buried in a coffin, dressed in white (a sign of purity as they say), and holding flowers in her hands. And he wonders, 'how could anyone ever hate on a girl like her?'.

The answer always lies in front of him. 

They don't know what happens behind closed doors. They never knew that Eleanor harms herself at the thought of everyone hating on her. They never knew that he truly loves her, and it's not modest. 

Elounor is very real. 

Some people question the extents of love. How far someone's love can take them. Or how hard loving someone can be. 

For Louis Tomlinson, love has no extents. If you really love that person, then you'd do what ever you can for them. And it's hard. It's hard to love someone when they're gone. 

Long gone. 

Who would have ever thought that the now, 33-year-old, Louis Tomlinson would never get over Eleanor Calder's death? 

That's right, no one. 

When the media publicized Louis and Violet's wedding back in 2016, they thought that the two were more in love than Elounor. 

But then again, they will never know what happened behind closed doors. 

"I need you" he says 

I need you too. He thinks of her saying it back. 

"But you're not here" 

I'm here. He wants to hear her voice. 

"And it's cruel. That you have to die because of something you never did. IT'S SO CRUEL, ELEANOR!" he yelled. 

(She thought that it was her fault. )

"Suicide will never be the answer" 

To her, it is. 

"You left Harry and I. You left the both of us, broken into pieces that no one will ever fix. Did you know that Harry still blames himself for losing you? Well, how could you possibly know when you're not even here." 

I'm sorry, Louis. He thinks of her, saying these words to him.  

"Just, please, come back" he said in a soft, pleading whisper. 

I'm already here. He wants to hear these words, again. 

In loving memory of Eleanor Jane Calder 

July 16, 1992 - June 27, 2014 

A good friend, a sister, a lover, and a daughter. 

He looks at the gravestone with despair and hatred, all mixed into one. 

He recalls that one night in France, where they spent the day in the hotel, watching random movies. And they so happened to come across a movie based on the second world war. 

"Why on earth are you crying about the war?" he asks 

"Because it's sad!" she answers 

"There were so many lives lost, Louis. Imagine if that happened to you. Imagine if someone so significant and relevant to your life had died. What would you feel?" she asks him. 

Now he knows. 

It's a war too. With the way he lost her. It was a war between her, her thoughts, and everyone else. 

And in the end, she lost. She fucking lost. 

Now he knows. 

Though he wouldn't tell anyone, he still cries whenever he thinks of her. He still cries whenever he encounters that specific movie that they watched back in France. 

As much as he hates to admit it, he fell for Violet because she reminds him so much of Eleanor Jane Calder. 

Like he said, he'd give Violet her heart. But he'll always love Eleanor for the rest of his life. 

Always and Forever. 

He contemplates whether he should or should not read his letter for Eleanor. (He writes one. Everytime he feels like falling apart at the seams, he just writes a letter. And for a while, he feels like nothing was ever wrong.) 

In the end, he puts a stone on the letter and placed it upon her gravestone. 

(He doesn't want to read it, in fear of the unknown that could possibly happen after he reads the letter. And deep inside, he's hoping that at least someone who hated on Eleanor, or someone who took part in her death, reads it. So that there'll be enough proof that Elounor is very real.) 

"I love you. Eleanor Jane Calder. In the eyes of many, Elounor may never be real. But to me, it is real. Always and Forever" 

Always and Forever. He somehow hears her echoing it back to him. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

[MoaningLouis author's note]

Hi guys! So, this is the second place winner, @conflated

I seriously swear this one made me bawl my eyes out you don't understand okay 

I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as me, YOU SHOULD ALSO GO FOLLOW HER AND CHECK OUT HER OTHER WORKS BECAUSE GJFNGVUJGVDVGKFV M