Anna and Claire both come home in a crappy mood. The former throws her backpack down before storming off, presumably to her room. Claire rolls her eyes and drops her back on the floor as well before looking over at Castiel, the only other person in the room.

"I take it school wasn't very fun?" he guesses.

"The number of times people asked me if you raped me or kidnapped me is unbelievable," she tells him. "Seriously, someone kill me now before I do it myself."

Castiel flinches imperceptibly at the suicide joke but doesn't mention it.

"Did you at least go to all your classes?" he asks instead.

"Yeah, and I had no idea what was going on. Now all I've got is a giant stack of missed papers on subjects that I don't know jack about."

"I can help you figure it out," he offers.

"No way. I'm not doing this stuff. I'd never catch up, anyway."

"Well, you're not quite halfway done with the semester, so if you do twice as much work as you usually would, you should at least be caught up by finals."

"You want me to do double work?" she repeats incredulously. "No way. Not happening. I went to class. I've done my part."

"No, your 'part' is whatever I say is your part," he tells her. "As long as you're in the Novak house, you've gotta follow the Novak rules, and that means homework."

She groans. "But I don't even know what we're doing in class!"

"Then it's a good thing I paid attention in high school," he replies.

"Castiel Novak is going to help me with homework?" she repeats. "Oh, how the mighty have fallen."

"I'm just honored to have been considered mighty in the first place," Castiel replies. "Now get your backpack. We're doing homework."

~~

"Whatcha doing?" Lucifer asks, bounding into the kitchen with his usual childish excitement.

"Geometry," Castiel replies.

"Oh, math." Lucifer pretends to gag. "What geometry stuff are ya doing?"

"Angles," he replies. "You know, same side interior and exterior, alternate interior and exterior, supplementary, complimentary, and vertical angles."

Lucifer just stares at him uncomprehendingly. Finally, he says, "That's thing thingy with the lines that are... uh... congruent? What's the word for going the same way?"

"Parallel," Castiel substitutes.

"Oh, right. Yeah, did those in school and never saw 'em since."

"See?" Claire says in an I-told-you-so fashion.

"Dammit, Lucifer, not helping!"

"I wasn't aware I was supposed to be helping," Lucifer replies.

"He's trying to convince me school is actually useful," Claire tells him. "Like I'll ever need to use this stuff after I graduate."

"Yeah, he's lying," Lucifer replies without hesitation.

"Dammit, Lucifer!"

"No, but there is one science lesson I like," Lucifer continues. " I didn't learn it at school, technically, but I learned it for school."

"What is it?" Claire asks, clearly expecting it to be stupid.

"According to all known laws of aviation —"

"No!" Castiel interrupts. "No, Luce, you're not doing that to Claire. She doesn't deserve it."

"But doesn't she deserve to know that bees shouldn't be able to fly?" Lucifer asks. "Their wings are too small to lift their fat little bodies off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible."

"Is that the Bee Movie?" Claire asks.

"Yeah," Lucifer replies.

"Trust me, it gets worse," Castiel warns.

"Does it? Never seen it."

"After this, you'll never want to see it."

"But yellow black, yellow black, yellow black. Ooh, black and yellow. Let's shake it up a little!"

Castiel groans. This is going to be a long hour or so.

~~

Anna walks through the kitchen, likely to talk to someone, but stops when she hears Lucifer reciting Bee Movie. She walks over to the front door and calls over her shoulder, "I'm going out with friends, don't wait up!" before leaving. Lucky her. If only they all got an easy escape.

~~

"... Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We make it. We invented it."

Samandriel walks into the kitchen after what feels like forever of Lucifer reciting Bee Movie. After Claire announced she had never seen Bee Movie, Lucifer decided he had to recite the entire thing, mimicking the voices as close to perfect as he can, quite possibly making this the best performance he's ever done for the Novaks. Samandriel just groans in exasperation when he hears it.

"Seriously, Lucifer? Seriously?"

"What?" Lucifer asks defensively.

"You're going to be the reason Claire leaves," Samandriel tells him.

"I'm actually really enjoying this," Claire announces.

"Thank you!" Lucifer exclaims. "Finally, someone who appreciates the art of Bee Movie!"

"I don't think it's the Bee Movie she appreciates," Samandriel smirks. "I think it's you."

"Shut up," Claire replies, not in a rude way but not happy, either.

"That's a 'yes,' then?" Samandriel guesses.

"No way!"

"I think the lady doth protest too much."

Claire and Lucifer both give him a blank stare, earning a slight laugh from the two educated Novaks in the room.

"This is, like, one of the most famous —"

"Lines from The Lego Movie," Gabriel finishes. "Come on, guys. You should know this."

"That's not in The Lego Movie," Lucifer says, confused.

"How would you know?" Gabriel challenges playfully.

"Because I know the whole Lego Movie script, and that's not part of it."

Castiel, Gabriel, and Samandriel all facepalm simultaneously, but Claire just laughs.

"You're not half bad," she tells him, an amused grin on her face.

"Right back at ya," Lucifer replies.

"I ship it!" Gabriel yells.

"What? No!" Claire protests immediately. "No way!"

"What the hell?" Lucifer says at the same time. "Seriously, I come out as straight — that's a weird sentence — and you ship me with Claire?"

"Well, she is kinda the only girl any of us hang out with that isn't as completely and totally gay like Charlie," Gabriel reminds him.

"But I'm barley eighteen, and he's..." She looks over at Lucifer. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-five," Lucifer replies.

"Yeah, that," Claire finishes. "He's seven years older than me. That's, like, over a third of my life, and you're gonna ship us?"

"Yep," Samandriel replies. "You're officially shipped, now and forever."

"This is gonna be a Destiel-like ship, too, where it doesn't seem likely at first, this time cuz of the age thing, but trust me, it's gonna happen," Gabriel adds.

"Except you'll stay together," Samandriel continues. "Not like Destiel. So you're a Destiel/Sabriel cross."

"And Destiel is...?" Claire prompts.

"Castiel and his boyfriend," Samandriel replies. "Well, they're not dating. But they're still boyfriends."

"They're soulmates," Lucifer clarifies. "So even if they aren't dating right this second — but they are, kinda — they will die hand in hand at eighty-four years old with five adopted kids and seventeen grandkids."

Claire just stares at him for a moment, her expression clearly saying, "I can't believe you actually just said that."

Castiel has to agree; he may have lived with Lucifer for eighteen years, but he's still dumbfounded by what comes out of his older brother's mouth sometimes.

Finally, Claire says to him, "And is this something you've discussed with Castiel and his possibly-boyfriend, or are you just planning his life out for him?"

"The second one," Lucifer replies proudly.

"Ah, right, okay..." Claire gives Castiel a "Your brother is insane" look before something seems to dawn on her. "Wait, Castiel, you have a boyfriend?"

"It's complicated, but yeah, I think we're together," he replies.

"And you never mentioned this?"

"I didn't really think it was important," Castiel tells her.

"Not important? Dude, if you've got a boyfriend, you gotta tell me this stuff. Okay, does anyone else have a boyfriend or girlfriend that I should know about, then?"

"I have a boyfriend," Gabriel tells her. "His name's Sam. You'll probably meet him before we go back to Stanford."

"I better," Claire replies. "How 'bout you, Samandriel? Do you have a girlfriend — er, boyfriend, since it seems your family has a gay gene somewhere?"

"N —"

"Yes!" Lucifer interrupts. "He lives in Massachusetts right now. He goes to Harvard."

"Dammit, Lucifer, I'm not dating Adam!" Samandriel yells, his annoyance clear. "I've barely spoken to him in years, and I'm not gay, so enough about this stupid Adamandriel ship!"

Lucifer frowns and looks to Castiel for help. The younger boy shakes his head minutely, silently telling him to drop it. Lucifer nods slightly in response before looking back at Samandriel.

"Right. Sorry. No Adamandriel here." Then, under his breath, he mutters, "yet." Samandriel death glares him, and he shrugs innocently.

"Well, sorry I asked," Claire mutters. "And, obviously Anna's dating Cain, but what about Michael?"

"Cain?" Castiel repeats, looking to Lucifer expectantly. "Seriously? You never once told me about Anna and Cain?"

"I second this," Gabriel adds. "I thought you were better than this, Luce."

"I didn't know..." Lucifer says slowly. He looks over at Samandriel. "Did you know about Cain?"

"Nope," Samandriel replies quickly. Too quickly.

Lucifer narrows his eyes at him suspiciously. "Samandriel..."

"Yes?" he says weakly.

"Who's this Cain kid?"

Samandriel shrugs, a tight movement that shows he's lying when he says, "I don't know." He's never been a good liar.

"Samandriel, tell me about this Cain kid or I'll find out myself. And you know I can do it, and you know it will end worse than if you just tell me, so I suggest you tell me."

Samandriel sighs. "Fine. He's the — the new Dean Winchester of Wayward High, but different. He's, uh, he very... He..."

"He's what?" Lucifer demands, seeming almost scary in this moment. Lucifer's never scary. He's the little Novak puppy. But he can tell by Samandriel's tone, as can everyone else, that there's something bad about this Cain kid, and Lucifer's already gone into protective mode without even knowing why he has to.

"I don't know," Samandriel says finally. "But he's been dating Anna since, I don't know, beginning of last year? End of the year before, even? It's the talk of the school. Pretty much the new Dean and Lisa couple."

Castiel flinches slightly at the mention of Dean's ex. He knows they're over, but still.

"And neither of you told us?" Lucifer demands.

"I just didn't think it was that important," Samandriel tells him.

"Really? Because your tone sad otherwise. So I'll ask this again. Why didn't you tell us?"

Samandriel sighs, knowing he can't keep this from Lucifer. Lucifer always finds things out. "Because she told me not to," he admits.

"Why?" Lucifer demands.

"Because... Because he's Cain."

"Yeah, not helping," Lucifer replies.

"I heard angry people," Michael observes, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. "Is everything okay?"

"Apparently, Anna's had a secret boyfriend," Gabriel informs him. "For two years."

"And?" Michael prompts. "I mean, with a brother like Lucifer, I wouldn't introduce my family to my boyfriend, either."

"Wait, do you have a boyfriend, too?" Lucifer asks.

"No, I'm being hypothetical," Michael replies. "That probably wasn't grammatically correct but whatever. My hypothetical boyfriend. But I don't see what the big deal is. She probably didn't want you to fangirl all over her life. I mean, I'm sure it's bad enough, being Castiel Novak's little sister. I don't think she wants to add the rest of her family to her name."

Lucifer looks to Samandriel expectantly. "Well?"

"Yeah, that's all," Samandriel agrees.
Lucifer narrows his eyes suspiciously, not believing him. "What's this Cain person like?"

Samandriel shrugs. "I don't know. I've never spoken to him in person. He's a senior."

"Then how can I discreetly find stuff out about him?" Lucifer asks.

"You probably can't," Samandriel replies. "Anna doesn't want you — any of you — near her relationship."

"I know all about Cain," Claire announces.

Samandriel glares at her, silently trying to shut her up, but she either doesn't get the memo or doesn't care. Probably the latter, actually, knowing her relationship with Anna.

"Star quarterback, killer soccer player, best pitcher we've got. Hot as fuck, too. He's a real player; been getting laid since middle school. Hmm, what else...?"

"And his relationship with Anna, is it ship worthy or do I need to crush him slowly and painfully with a bunch of pieces of stone?" Lucifer asks.

"Is there a middle ground?" Claire asks.

"Do I ship it, kill him, kill him slowly, or torture him as long and painfully as physically possible?" Lucifer clarifies.

There's an amused glint to Claire's eye as she says, "Definitely not ship worthy. He's a selfish pig who doesn't care about anything but sex. His life is run by his ego. Everything is about looks for him. He definitely wouldn't have dated Anna if she wasn't that pretty, and honestly, I'm surprised he thinks she's good enough.

"I'm ninety-six percent sure he's cheated on her, and eighty-four percent sure it's happened multiple times while he was sober — which isn't very often at parties. On the bright side, he doesn't drink or do drugs before game nights, so you don't have to worry 'bout that.

"But I have very little doubt they've slept together, and if Anna wasn't jumping for the chance, Cain pushed her into it. Not rape, exactly, but he probably would've dumped her if she didn't, and he's giving her social status a huge boost by being with her. She wouldn't risk it."

"Why are you telling us all of this?" Lucifer asks her. "Do you want him for yourself or something?"

Claire scoffs. "Yeah, right. I'm not a sex toy, and he knows it. He had a broken nose a few years ago to remind him."

Lucifer grins in spite of himself. "So, what, then? Just looking out for Anna?"

"More like throwing her under the bus," Claire replies. "If she's going to go all cold-war on me because I'm rivaling her for attention at home or some shit like that, I'll go nuclear war right back at her."

Lucifer nods in approval. "Nice. Thanks, Claire. Now, when Anna gets home," he cracks his knuckles, "I have some pseudo-parenting to do."