"Surprise! Cassie's actually alive!

"Okay, I know, you're all going to be pretty mad, but couple things before you start throwing the rotten fruit, 'kay?

"This was entirely on me. Castiel had absolutely no part in you guys thinking he's dead. He didn't even know until a few minutes ago, anyway. The real reason he disappeared from the interwebs is that he was hacked, and someone deleted all his social media accounts. He just decided against making them again, which I decided to take advantage of.

"And that leads me to the other big thing here: y'all gotta chill tf out. Seriously. Why do you think he's not rejoining the Twitterverse? Because even if it didn't really prompt him to kill himself a few days ago, he really does try to make you guys happy, and he gets an overwhelming number of people saying he's not good enough, which is total bullshit. Castiel is an amazing human being angel child, and it's really starting to piss me off that a lot of you guys don't think so.

"But the thing that really irks me is that only when Castiel not-died did people start saying they cared. Now, this goes for everyone ever, not just about Cassie. If you care about someone, tell them. You never know how things are going in their life, and just knowing someone cares can make a big difference. Because in reality, this whole thing has been a PSA. You don't know what you have until it's gone, people included. So go call your grandparents and hug your friends and basically just go on being an awesome person to everyone and everything because why bother being a whiny little asshole when you could be a ray of sunshine in someone else's storm?"

"That's actually kinda sweet," Castiel says.

"Yeah," Dean agrees. "Are we sure it was Lucifer?"

Castiel chuckles. "He's actually really sweet under that mask of massive dorkiness."

"I know, I'm great!"

They don't bother turning their attention to Lucifer, who just randomly appeared in the doorway of Castiel's room.

"And new question," Lucifer continues. "Who's going to post cute Destiel pictures now that Castiel doesn't have an Instagram and you guys are moving out? Because I need my Destiel fix!"

"No one," Dean replies. "You will never, ever, ever see Destiel ever again."

"Like, ever," Castiel adds because Taylor Swift.

"But but but but but but but but —" Lucifer begins, pouting, but Dean cuts him off.

"Maybe I'll post a few," Dean concedes. "Maybe. But only once every few months. I'm thinking maybe four every year?"

"Four?" Castiel repeats. "That's kinda pushing it. Are you sure you don't want to bring it down to three?"

"Oh, good call," Dean agrees. "Yeah, three Destiel pictures every year."

Lucifer just stares at him for a moment. Finally, he asks, "Are you two trying to kill me with lack-of-Destiel feels?"

"Yep," the both say at once.

"Fine. I hate you, too," Lucifer pouts.

"But really, I'm up for as much Destiel as Cas is up for," Dean says.

"Well, I'm up for as much Destiel as you're up for," Castiel tells him.

"I'm up for as much Destiel as you're up for," Dean replies with a playful smile.

"I'm up for as much Destiel as you're up for."

"My gawd, stawp!" Lucifer interrupts. "I mean, it's kinda cute, but no."

"Believe it or not, our conversations aren't always supposed to impress you," Dean tells him.

"You're seriously going to call that a conversation?" Lucifer asks.

Dean and Lucifer are still bickering playfully when Castiel's phone rings. He checks the caller ID, knowing it could be just about anyone with the whole rumor of his death going around. He can only assume Lucifer told most people they know that it was a lie, judging by the lack of messages he's gotten from friends and family.

But this call is coming from none other than Jim Michaels. Well, this is going to be fun. Except not at all. Castiel silently excuses himself to take the call in the hall, because with Jim, things can get very loud.

"Hey," Castiel greets him, preparing for the inevitable blast wave.

"I go one week without checking the news or social media, and suddenly you've died and come back to life? What the hell is going on?"

"Relax," Castiel advises him. "First of all, none of this is my fault. And it's not all Lucifer, either; it was a group effort that I was not made aware of until, like, four hours ago. Don't go blaming me for this."

"You —" Jim cuts himself off, calming himself down before continuing, "Fine. Your brother is a dead man, but you're good. But you gotta make a new Twitter account, at least. It's how you keep the fans around when you're not releasing new music."

"I'm not doing it," Castiel replies instantly. "I can only handle so much. I'm done with all of that."

"If you don't want to see the hate, don't read it. But you can't just not have a Twitter."

"Really? Watch me."

Jim sighs. "Castiel —"

"I'm not doing it," Castiel repeats. "I'm staying out of all of it."

"If you won't, I will," Jim tells him. "You're going to have an account one way or another. Do you want me to run it, or you?"

"I will," Castiel replies immediately. There's no way he's letting anyone else handle his social media. Lucifer was one thing, but Jim? He'd probably accidentally destroy Castiel's online presence.

"Good."

"Just give me a little bit," Castiel adds. "Give me a month, and I'll make one again."

"You can't have a month!" Jim says as if it's the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard.

"Two weeks?" Castiel says hopefully.

Jim hesitates, then seems to get that Castiel won't give this up and says, "Fine. Two weeks. No more. Got it?"

"Got it," Castiel replies. "Bye!"

He hangs up quickly, before Jim can change his mind. He sighs and leans against the wall, looking up at the ceiling in exasperation. God, this is going to suck. Then again, what in his life doesn't?