The room felt ten times colder.

Li's perpetual smile didn't seem as friendly anymore in the darkness of the room, the only beacon of light in here. It reminded me of the punishment room, far too much.

"If you want to leave, you need only ask," it said.
I didn't know why I felt so scared. Wasn't that exactly what I wanted? I couldn't take my eyes away, but I couldn't back down now. This was my chance to.

I grit my teeth and spoke in a low growl. "Then I'm asking you to get me the hell out of here."

At that moment, I knew I crossed a line I shouldn't have.

Li remained impassive, and I wished that he would get mad, show anger, shout, to at least show some humanity and prove to me that I was justified in some way, that he wasn't a mindless, perfect machine like most seemed to insist. Kristina may be with me, but when I faced a certain threat like this, I felt... powerless.

"I will show you what it feels like."

As soon as Li finished those words, I heard the sound of glass shattering, and around me the walls of the room began to fall apart in shards, raining down to reveal a pure white abyss behind it.

Before I get the chance to say anything, I see how even the screen breaks apart and I'm sent plummeting down into the nothing.

But... I don't feel anything. I know I'm falling, but there's no fear, no wind resistance, no feeling.

There's just... nothing. Less than an empty feeling.

As I continue falling, endlessly falling towards nothing from nowhere, I can hear Li's voice from somewhere - from everywhere, in fact.

"This is what you want. This is death in its purest form: an endless abyss of nothing. You don't feel, you don't think, you don't exist," it whispered, but I heard it loudly.

"You're not the first person to have asked this, nor will you be the last. But after this, I trust you'll understand why we do what we do," it continued, sympathetic.

All I can do is listen. Everything else seems like a blur fading away. I don't feel my body, any part of it; I can't move anything, there's nothing to move. The only things I have left are my thoughts, but even they feel bland and tired.

This is... something more people have passed through, right? The feeling of passing on. It feels empty, there's no other words to describe it.
Is this really what death feels like? My thoughts begin to slip away, I can't... I can't do anything about it.

I continue falling. I no longer belong to myself, and I stare at the nothing from behind empty eyes, losing who I am until there's nothing left.

...

I blink. I'm back in the room.

I almost choke with the sudden breath I take in, a rush of sensations overwhelming me in the seconds that follow. As I hold onto the table to not fall over as my emotions come running back to my head, Li speaks once more.

"What you just felt is an almost accurate simulation of what it feels like to 'pass on', the difference being you realized what was going on. In a real case, you wouldn't even realize." The screen colour returns to light blue and its eyes return to black as I fall to my knees.

The pain that shoots through my legs when I fall is real. It's all real again. I take deep breaths, looking back up to Li in silence.

"Knowing this, would you still desire to 'pass on like a normal human being'?" It asked, even though it knows the answer.

I hesitantly nod. Spite drives me on. "Y-yeah.. that's right, I do. Because you're still going against human nature, right? It's still not okay..." I stagger back to my feet, using my knees as support.

"And how might I be doing that?"

"Not letting us age. You- You expect us to stay the same way we are forever. How is that okay?"

"if you were to age, eventually reaching, say, a hundred years old. Would you still keep aging? When would you stop? Aging comes from life, and stopped by death. If there is nothing to stop it, then we can't have it here to continue unsupervised," it answered simply, sounding more like a rehearsed line that's been repeated hundreds of times.

How many before me have attempted the very same? How many have failed...? Li answers my silent question.

"Like so many others, you are just like the hundreds of rebels that have tried to convince me of something. Some with conviction, some without, some who give up without trying. They all seem to forget that I know all." His tone was the same as always, but for some reason those words hurt me more this time.

As if encouraging me to give up. Telling me that there will always be something to prevent me from getting what I want.

Telling me that Li will always be there to stop me from being human. To continue making us live like collectable toys.

I couldn't fight against something like that.
I wanted to stay strong to my belief of letting the natural cycle continue, but when I thought about what that meant, that emptiness...

"You are not special, Sebastian." Its words snapped me out of my thoughts, forcing me to look back up. "You are not meant to be anyone special, you are simply one more. Learn your place and live here in peace alongside everyone else. It is all you will have left when you lose your conviction."

My eyes widened and the screen turned off before I could respond, leaving me more alone than I'd ever felt.

The room was especially quiet.

The rest of that day I passed it in silence.

What else could I do? After having brushed with literal non-existence, I was understandably not at my best. There was no way I could be, and that was the excuse I gave to Antoinette when she returned after her shift and saw me lying facedown on the floor of the living room.

"Non-existence? ... Did you somehow get your hands on drugs? Because if you did, then get out," she had said to me. I wished it was that simple. Fortunately she didn't continue once she saw my face, I assume it said it all.

She pulled me to my feet and sat me on the couch, taking a seat at my side.

"What happened? You're never this quiet. I like it, but it's also really creepy."

I ran my hands up through my hair, unsure of how else to explain it. I felt what it was like to not feel? It was still overwhelming, I could hardly wrap my head around it.

"...Nothing," I ended up saying. "I'm being an idiot, is all."

She frowned.

"You're always being an idiot but that doesn't mean nothing's happening. You know you can tell me."

I shook my head. This wasn't as simple as talking about my thoughts, this had put my entire existence into question, and I wasn't ready to handle that just yet.

Whether or not Antoinette was satisfied with that answer was unclear to me, but after I'd shaken my head she'd stood up, lifting me by the arm. I did so without resisting.

"Alright, listen." She ushered me away from the couch, towards the door. "No idea what's going in that mess of a head, but seeing you like this is starting to get to me. Get out of here, sort yourself, then come back and tell me what happened."

And she kicked me out of the house before I could object.

I suppose I should be grateful in some way. Staying inside wouldn't do me any good, and maybe it was time I met new people after all.

With that in mind, I picked the most secluded area humanly possible and stayed there. It was a pool, and the only thing that actually caught my eye about it was the diving board.

The place wasn't anything special, but it was well kept. Everything was where it should be, everything was perfectly in order.

...Except for me.

I smacked my cheeks. Antoinette told me to sort myself out, and that was what I planned on doing, so I skipped the changing rooms and jumped into the water, clothes and all.

It didn't really matter right now that that was probably a bad idea, and I couldn't afford to care, so I decided to let future me take care of the stupidity of present me.

And as my body floated helplessly on the water, my brain headed into dangerous territory, thinking about what the screen had said, told, and shown me.

I had always thought that after dying, it would be the end of everything. That all my worries, happiness, and suffering would vanish along with me. I hoped it would be that and I would submit to fate like that, but knowing it's a conscious choice... changes things.

Never in my wildest dreams could I have thought something like this would be possible: a world after death where there are almost no limits? It seemed too good to be true, maybe that's why I refused it so insistingly at first. I had a clear motive now, but back then...

I mean, to have all these privileges without any actual work? It's inhuman, but it's so easy... People are supposed to work for what they gain, if everything is just handed then there isn't much point.

At some point, I turned so my face it's in the water, just out of curiosity. According to everything: I'm dead. Which makes me wonder what would happen if I drowned, because it's not like you can die twice and at this point I have nothing left to lose.

My thought's are all messed up - maybe I'm just looking for an easy escape from this entire thing, who knows. It could be anything at this point. I'm sure that eventually I'll be able to think of this place as not a threat, but for the time being this simply doesn't worry me as much as it's supposed to.

I wonder why that is. Does being in the water calm me? If so I need to come back here more often. I probably will; just floating around in here is an easy way to relax.

I take a deep breath and head to the deep end of the pool, much calmer than I thought I would be. Is this what they call 'no fear of fear'?

I reached the deep end and hesitate. Maybe this isn't the best idea after all. If I do this, then enter a comatose state like Antoinette had told me, what will happen to my body? It just stays down there, doesn't it?

It's probably a better idea to actually think my actions before realizing them.

Then I realize something and swim straight down without spending time to think. So far all my problems in here have stemmed from me thinking about things I shouldn't, so I'll try something else! The logical solution is to not think at all. With that in mind, I prepared to drown myself.

...

And it's because of reasons like this that I have trust issues with myself.

In retrospect, it was probably a bad idea to swim to the bottom of the pool without knowing exactly how deep it was. (Actually, it was a worse idea to think drowning myself would help)

When I reached the bottom, it must've been at least three and a half meters and I don't think my ears were ready for that just yet.

Obviously, my human instincts told me to swim back up, but I hadn't managed to touch the floor yet, so since I couldn't push myself back up, I was left flailing underwater like a fish out of water, but in the water.

I could slowly feel my lungs about to give up and my head becoming woozy from the lack of air. My angry flailing was giving no effect! Who would've thought?!

I try to make myself sink to use the and let a small amount of oxygen out of my lungs.

That was obviously a mistake. The small oxygen I had let out acted as a gateway, and instead of letting out one peasant, the entire kingdom escaped.

Everything around me was quickly turning dark as a pressure crushed down onto my chest. I felt light and heavy at the same time, and my head was spinning.

I hated this. I hated this so much. Not because of the fact I was drowning, but because I even could in the first place, for the sake of "realism." Cursing my fate and my stupidity, I ended up ceding to the darkness and the suffocating hole I'd entered.

When I open my eyes again, I'm at the beach.