a/n: i won't be updating this story for a while, so if you want to see some of my better writing (that i will be updating) check out my new story "of planets and playlists"!

Dedication: sincerelyzoe XD

(A/N- QUICK NOTE! If you guys want to email me something, send it to anahitakaman('at' sign sorry mine isn't working)yahoo.com )

I couldn't open my eyes.

It wasn't working.

I could recognise everything else, the sickly smell of a hospital, the gentle whirring of the machines next to me, the soft blanket between my fingertips.

But I couldn't open my eyes.

I tried to shift on top of the mattress, but I couldn't move as well. I tried to cry out, but not a single sound came out of my mouth. My whole body ached, my head pounding into my skull.

What's happening?

I tried to concentrate my mind, into my hands, silently willing them to move.

Move.

No matter how hard I tried for what must have been the next ten minutes, they couldn't move even a fraction of a centimetre. As far as I knew, the only thing moving was the gentle rise and fall of my chest from my ragged breathing, which was most likely supported by the piece of machinery that seemed to be whirring beside me.

How did I get here? What happened?

I cleared all my thoughts, trying to remember.

Screaming.

Yelling.

Confessing.

Driving home in Emma's car, crying.

Closing myself into the bathroom.

Swallowing the pills.

Sense of happiness and relief as I faded out of reality.

Harper.

The pills didn't work.

I'm still alive.

I have to go through everything again, once I wake up.

I wish I could have smiled. If I wake up.

Why couldn't have the damn pills just worked?

By now, I had assumed that I was most likely in a coma. After all, I couldn't open my eyes, or move my body, but I could hear everything happening around me. My suspicions were confirmed when I heard footsteps walking into my hospital room.

"Hi, Noelle!" An unfamiliar, cheery voice twinkled from somewhere to my left. I didn't even bother to wonder why a complete stranger was talking to my near lifeless body- I just savoured her friendly tone that I didn't hear so often nowadays.

"Day six now, right?" She chuckled. "I really hope you do wake up soon, dear. I think by now your brain has probably woken up fully, you brain signals are stronger." She chuckled sweetly, and I imagined her having short blonde hair tucked up in a nurse's cap. "How are you holding up, dear? Your family is missing you an awful lot- oh, I forgot! They'll be arriving in about ten minutes. I hope you are alright with that, sweetie?"

I wanted to smile at her wonderfully welcoming behaviour, almost disregarding the little fact that I had already been in a coma for six days.

Has Harper visited?

I wanted to smack myself for thinking that.

That's the first thing you think of?

Really?

I blanked out as the sweet nurse kept on talking to me as if I could actually respond, still ever so grateful.

Do I want Harper to come?

I wished I could fidget with the ends of my hair like I used to when I was nervous.

Actually, I wish the pills just could have worked.

I didn't want this. I never wanted this.

Suddenly, I heard a door creaking open and a few muffled gasps.

"Hello, Nurse Kylie," I trembling voice shook out. "How is she doing?"

Mom.

"Hello, Ms Richards! Nice to see you here, today. Yes, I was just saying that we think her mind has woken up, because her brain signals seem a bit stronger. So whatever you say, she can mostly likely hear it, but she cannot react. Other than that, she is quite stable."

"Thank goodness," Mom replied, and I felt her sit in what must have been a chair next to my hospital bed. I felt her warm fingers wrap around my own deathly cold ones and my heart clenched. I wanted to leap up and wrap my arms around her.

"Is she going to wake up, Mom?" A soft voice followed, who I noticed with a jolt was Lana.

"To be honest, Lana," My mom gulped back tears. "I don't know."

Tense, heartfelt silence filled the room, before another hand took my other one. "Don't be ridiculous, Mom." A strong voice with a faint British accent said. "Lana, she is going to wake up. Whether you believe it or not."

Florence.

(A/N SHE IS THE OLDER SISTER, GUYS)

Florence. Always strong, always ready to go through anything. She flew from England, I presumed, just to be here.

I wanted to cry.

"I don't know, Florence," Mom whispered faintly. "I feel like I have failed. She did this to herself because she hated her life. My job is to make it better- and I've failed."

"No, Mom," Lana cut in before Florence could say a word. "It's not your fault. I don't know what happened, but it seems really really serious, so I don't think you could have done anything anyway."

My heart clenched again.

She thought it was her fault?

How could- how could she think it was her fault?

It was mine, if anything- not hers!

I wanted to open m mouth and scream at her not to blame herself- that I was to blame to what happened, I wanted this to happen to me, that all she has ever done is love an support me.

But I couldn't.

I heard the door open again, and I heard Florence speak. "Hello, Emma. Laura. Max. Maggie. Jenna."

Emma and Laura are here.

Maggie and Jenna and-

Harper?

Where is Harper?

I felt a body almost flinging their self over me. I could immediately tell it was Laura.

"Hi, Noelle!" Her voice was cheery and so Laura it hurt. "How are you?"

"HIIIIIIIIIII, BITCH!" Emma yelled hugging me tightly right next to Laura. "I have so much to tell you!" I grinned internally.

At least they're okay.

"Emma, don't crush her please," Max chuckled from beside her. I imagined Emma raising her eyebrows.

"Are you calling me fat?"

The whole- what may have been the afternoon- Mom, Lana, Florence, Emma, Laura, Max, Jenna and Maggie just sat around my bed talking. My initial shock of finding out I was still alive had close to worn off, and I tried to enjoy my time with my family and friends, but there was still that constant nagging in the back of my mind telling me that I would have rather died. And I couldn't deny it- I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to be immobile in my hospital bed for the rest of eternity, and I didn't want to wake up and have to face everything again.

Finally, night came and Mom and everyone else was kicked out of my room since it was past visiting hours. Nurse Kylie bid me goodnight, and soon enough, she was gone too. I lay there in the painstaking silence, suddenly feeling very alone with no one next to me to talk about the most random things ever, unlike Emma who seemed to enjoy educating me on why The Book Thief was so much better than Harry Potter.

Creak.

If I could, I would have jolted up in the spacious hospital bed.

The door is opening.

But it's not visiting hours!

A nurse, maybe?

I settled with that idea, hearing the person enter the room, their footsteps heavy on the tile floor. They came to a quick stop just beside my bed. I waited for them to flick some switch on my life support machine, or change the tubes that gave my body water and food, or to change my pillow or something- anything- but it never came.

Instead, warm fingertips brushing the side of my face, an action that sent my nerve endings on fire.

"Noelle," He whispered in a broken voice. My head started pounding as my heart froze in my chest.

Harper.

Oh my gods it's really-

It's really him.

He came. He came. Does he hate me now that he knows that I'm in love with him? Is he here to say goodbye?

His fingers brushed down the side of my face painfully slowly, running across my neck and shoulders, traveling down my arms before finally embracing my small hands with his large ones. He brought his thumb to draw careful, delicate circles on the back of my hands. Without even realising it, going against everything I had read about being in a coma, my breathing hitched.

"You know," Harper said sadly, gulping. "When I imagined our future together, I definitely didn't imagine this."

Oh my-

"Your heart monitor is speeding up," Harper mumbled, almost to himself. "Your heart is racing. You're surprised. You can hear me." His voice was low and incredulous.

Did he say that he- imagined a future together? What? Why?

"Oh fuck, Noelle, I'm such an asshole," I heard him groan in pain, a horrible noise that wrenched my heart. "I did this to you. Even if I wasn't the whole reason that made you want to do this- I was part of it, wasn't I?"

No. No. Please don't say this.

I could almost imagine Harper shaking his head violently, his beautiful jet-black hair falling across his face. "How did I deserve you?" Harper's voice was shaking violently. "How did I manage to get such a beautiful girl to fall in love with me?" He didn't stop there, the other hand that was not in mine reaching up to cup my face gently, his thumb brushing lightly across my cheekbone.

The silence echoed through the air, the world still of everything but our gentle breathing, flowing in time with each other, his hands gently fondling my skin, turning my flesh to flames.

"How could I let this happen to you, Noelle?" He whispered softly. "How could I have not been there for you, especially when you needed it most?"

My heart sped up even more.

"This is all my fault. It got to a point where you tried to kill yourself, and I only realised you were in pain much too late, and now here you are, lying in a hospital bed in a coma, and my heart is breaking to pieces all over again." He gulped again. "What if this doesn't work?" His voice dropped again, and he sounded like a scared, lost, little boy. "What if you never wake up?"

I couldn't breathe.

Wouldn't it be better if I never wake up?

He should be happy- he doesn't have to deal with my problems, he and Bethany can have a happily ever after! Why is he throwing that all away? Why does he sound so miserable?

His other hand joined his left in holding my hand. Slowly, slowly, he pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed my knuckles softly, burning my delicate skin. "I don't what I would do to myself if something happens to you, Noelle." He muttered.

Why is he saying this?

He doesn't even love me-

I felt something hot and wet land on the back of my hand. The one drop was followed by another, before a multitude of them were patterned on my skin.

That's when I realised that Harper was crying.

My heart wrenched in my chest, and I yearned for my body to move so I could leap up and do something.

I could hear his faint sobs now, and it hurt so damn much.

"I'm such an asshole, Noelle," He murmured shakily. "Why did I even date Bethany? I didn't love her."

Despite my heart monitor beeping that my heart rate was very high, he didn't stop.

"But you dated Joshua, too. And I know you didn't love him. But I dated Bethany first, without even realising your feelings. But you know what really makes me a jerk?"

His heavy breathing filled the air and I could feel it brush across my palm.

"I may not have known your feelings, but I knew mine. And I hated them. They haunted me. I may be a jerk, Noelle, but I'm a jerk that's crazy in love with you."

In that moment, everything stopped.

I

couldn't

breathe.

My heart was beating so loud now, I could hear it ringing in my ears, the blood rushing to my head, turning the back of my eyelids I was staring at a bright crimson red.

Warmth rushed through my immobile body as his words sunk in, burning marks into my flesh, engraving themselves on my body forever.

He said it.

There was no going back now.

He's in love with you.

Harper Andrews is in love with you.

He didn't say anything for a long time, but his heart was moving so fast I could feel the faint pulse in his hands, which were now clenching onto mine for dear life.

"You must be so confused," Harper chuckled without humour. "I don't blame you."

Well of course I'm confused, you neanderthal!

You just told me you loved me after me mourning about that fact that you don't- for months!

What the hell are you talking about?

"Yes, I dated Bethany." He paused, and I realised that he was about to explain everything to me. "Yes, it was my choice. And yes, I was completely and utterly in love with you when I did."

What is air?

"I wish I could have told you this in better circumstances. But I can't. I've been keeping this away from you for too long." He coughed, and I could almost imagine him running a hand through his hair when he let go of my hand briefly. "I didn't love Bethany. Hell, I didn't even like her."

Deep breath.

"Fuck, Noelle, I was just trying to get over you."

If I was in a different state of mind and body, in a different time, I would be blushing.

"I- I didn't think you liked me that way." Harper mumbled feebly. "I was always the one to make the first move- so I thought that maybe you didn't love me like I loved you."

My heart caught in my throat, willing him to continue.

"It was my first time in love. I was so used to this image of 'Harper Andrews'- the bad boy, the player, the guy that threw girls away like tissues- and I never thought I would catch feelings." Harper gulped again. "Damn it, Noelle, I was so scared. I set out just to be friends- and somewhere along the way, I fell for you. I fell too far, and I didn't know what to do."

"There you were- this beautiful person in my life, and I knew I had no shot of being with you at all. I tried everything to get you to like me, but you just didn't seem to. What other choice did I have? I had to try to get over you. And then, last week, you had to come tell me that you loved me too, and I was so shocked. I had spent months trying to get you to like me and gave up, but it turned out you returned my feelings all along. Fuck, I loved you so much." He paused, then lowered his voice. "I still love you."

I wanted to be mad at him.

I wanted to hate him.

And I knew, yes, I was too forgiving, but I couldn't.

Harper was like a frightened child- he was unsure of who he was and the people around him. He didn't know who to trust, and for the first time ever, he trusted someone with his heart. And that person, me, without realising, shattered it into pieces. What else was he expected to do?

He tried to find someone to piece it back together again.

And in a way, I did the exact same thing with Joshua.

There is no point denying it now- I didn't want to be with Joshua. He made me uncomfortable- he didn't make me feel the way Harper did. I only agreed to date him in an attempt to fix my heart. To fall for someone else.

Clearly it didn't work, you idiot.

His hands loosened on mine as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders at the confession. He took a deep, stuttering breath in and let it out slowly, letting me feel the heat of his breath brushing across the tears on my hand. "I know you probably hate me now, Noelle," A swift kiss to the back of my fingers again which I would have barely felt if it wasn't Harper who was touching me.

"But please stay."

He sounded so desperate it hurt. "If not for me, for everyone else around you. I don't mean for those fake assholes at school, but for people like your Mom, Lana, Emma... we all need you here. You are the best parts of our lives, Noelle, and we need you more than anything. Everyone who has visited you may seem strong, but right now we're all dying inside."

Does everyone really feel like that?

"I know it may seem bad now," He continued, his voice going stronger. "Everything may seem fucked up. You might hate everything. But I promise you- it's going to stop. I'll do anything and everything I can to help- everyone will. But I just don't want to lose you."

"I know you can wake up, Noelle. I know you have the power in you to wake up. I know you don't want to do it because you are afraid. And yes, it is scary, and it is terrifying, but it will be all worth it in the end. I promise, baby doll."

Baby doll.

Baby doll.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what I wanted anymore.

I wanted it to all end, that was for sure. I wanted something happier.

I'm not so sure death would be the better option, anymore.

Did he mean it when he said that people needed me? Did he meant it when he said that he needed me?

What am I doing, anymore?

Why did I do this?

Am I really willing to give away everything for my own selfish needs?

Am I ready to give away the feeling of pages on fingertips, Mom's thrilling smile when she gets home from work, Emma's constant teasing eye rolls?

Am I ready to give away graduation, Jenna's adorable laugh, Laura's sarcastic comments?

Or all of my friends? All of my family? The way Harper looks at me, and touches me, smiles at me?

I don't think so.

I'm not going to give up that soon.

I was going to stay alive, no matter what. I was going to get out of this coma, because there are so many more things worth living for.

"Stay with me, baby doll." Came the distant sound of Harper's voice, shaking me back to here and now. "I won't let anybody hurt you. I won't let anyone break your heart. Just stay with me, because I don't know what will become of me if you don't."

So this time, when the words left his mouth, I didn't just stay still. I didn't just lie in my stupid comatose state for god knows how long- I couldn't.

I focused my breathing in time with Harper's, fanning over my hand. I felt the rise and fall of his chest against my arm, and the racing beat of his heart. I tried to direct all my energy into that one hand that was enclosed in his, the inside of my body burning up.

I pushed every feeling I felt for him into that hand, every single memory we shared. From the time we first met and I yelled profusely at him, to that little scene where he and Joshua got into a fight for me. To the time I had the horrible panic attack at the beginning of the year and he carried me out of the classroom, to the day where I was getting yelled at so badly that he held my hand to calm me down. From the time he kissed me in the jacuzzi in Japan, to weeks later, that horrible moment in the cafeteria where he told us he was dating Bethany, and I went rushing out of the room in a horrible mess.

All the anger, fury, remorse, frustration, angst, love, all mixed into one, shooting up my arm like sparks, tingling in my fingertips. With everything I had, every morsel of my energy, I tightened my hand around his, relishing in the familiar feel of his calloused palms.

I heard his breathing hitch as I did so. I focused all of my will into holding onto his hand, and finally he moved. Harper slowly lowered his lips down to my hand once again.

"I love you, Noelle." He mumbled into my skin. "I love you so fucking much."

I love you too, Harper Andrews.

I love you too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning, I woke up.

In a heartbeat, all my family and friends were crowding around me, crying and weeping and laughing and smiling. I finally got a look at my room, the whole area crowded with bouquets of flowers and cards from people I didn't even know, people at school who I hadn't exchanged a single word with. What really made my heart stop was a stack of books hidden under bed with a single iris flower laid on top of them and my name written in a lazy, familiar scrawl.

It was the day I was going to be let out of the hospital, and I sat at my bed staring out the window, enjoying the soft light that danced across my sheets. Mom and Lana and Florence had been visiting every single day, multiple hours at a time, as well as Emma, Laura and Max. Hell, even Marco (Harper's fanboy friend) had visited- I hadn't seen him in months- but there was still no sign of Harper.

In a way, I was happy about that. I wasn't ready to see him, that was for sure, and I would rather see him on my own accord instead of him just popping in one day. I think Harper was nervous about seeing me too, because I had once woken up in the night, past visiting hours, to see Harper through the glass windows, outside my hospital door, pacing back and forth as if contemplating whether he should enter.

Suddenly, Nurse Kylie walked into the room. She and I had grown close after the past few days, and she always sneaked me a chocolate when none of the doctors were around.

"How are you, sweetie?" She asked kindly. I grinned weakly at her. "I'm okay."

She raised an eyebrow, perching on the end of my hospital bed and slipping a KitKat in my hand. "Obviously you are not, darling. You want to tell me what happened?"

I sighed. "I don't know. I'm just really scared, you know? To go back to school, to see everyone again, to speak to Harper- " I stopped myself before I could blurt out anymore.

Nurse Kylie gave me an amused smile. "A boy? Couldn't possibly be the dashing one with the black hair and green eyes who always walks into the hospital reception with a bouquet of iris flowers, stops in anxiousness and walks out again?"

I blushed, hearing that he was about to bring me flowers. "Probably the one."

God damn it, Harper, why do you have to be so cute?

"Ah," she grinned. "Him."

Kylie cocked her head. "Why are you so worried? He is obviously infatuated with you."

"That's not the thing, though," I mumble under my breath, fiddling with my thumbs, avoiding looking at the reminder of my suicide scarred down my wrist. "What if he doesn't want a relationship? What if it turns out I don't want a relationship?"

"Shhh," Kylie assures, placing her hand on my shoulder. "There are two outcomes of this. Either you become a sickeningly adorable couple, or you don't get the guy. But so what? You are a strong, independent woman. You don't need a man by your side, even if it doesn't work out, although, I doubt that would happen. You two are so in love." She sighed dreamily. I rolled my eyes but smiled gratefully.

"Okay, fine- another worry. Sometime next month, I have to do a public speech on social anxiety to the entire school. How am I meant to do that?"

Kylie winced. "Oh."

"Yeah," I sighed, worry brimming in the pit of my stomach. "I don't know what to do."

She gave me a pointed look. "You're on Easter break right now. I say you do it the first day back."

I choked on my own spit. "What?"

"Why not? Why delay the inevitable? If it is going to happen, it's going to happen. Why not do it sooner rather than later and have a whole two extra weeks worrying about it?" She reasoned.

I looked at her in awe.

She's right.

I'm going to do it the first day back. I need to show everyone that my attempts did not make me weaker. I need to be strong and do it sooner.

"You're right," I mumbled, pulling my laptop out from under my pillow.

Kylie raised an eyebrow. "How long have you had that there?"

I ignored her, opening up a new email, addressing it to the principal of my school.

Sooner rather than later, right?

WOOOOOO UPDATE

IM SORRY, IM SORRY, IM SORRY

I ALWAYS DO THIS

Well, I'm back, right?

You guys didn't really think I would kill her off, did you? Are you kidding, Noelle is my little child XD

(^^^ after writing this, I rushed to find my charger because I was on 1% battery omg)

HOW ARE YOU

LONG TIME NO SEE

DESPERATELY TRING TO GET TAYLOR SWIFT TO NOTICE ME ON TUMBLR RN

I was just wondering- idk- (because so many people have sent me messages telling me how much this book has helped them, and it really makes me so so happy XD) has this book helped any of you? Comment here if it has, and I'll try to reply to some XD

GUYS IM SORRY IF I TAKE AN ETERNITY TO REPLY TO MESSAGES I HAVE SO MANY IM SORRY

Another thing- not to seem naggy- but if you are on of those people who like to send me messages just flat out advertising their book to me, no hi or anything, just their link, could you please stop? I get that you want to advertise your book and you want more people to read, and I completely understand that, but it isn't really appreciated when you don't even greet me or ask nicely or anything, so please don't do that. Not just to me, but to anyone.

GUYS #POTATOLOVE COMMENT IF YOU AGREE

Goals: 2500 votes?

Dedication: Harper Andrews- FEELINGS IN THIS CONFUSING CHILD?

ILY GUYS SO SO SO MUCH YOU GUYS MAKE ME SO HAPPY YOU LITTLE ANGELS ILY

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