TRIGGER WARNING

Dedicated to: account12312

RECAP ON LAST CHAPTER: There was a sparring competition within Noelle's gym class, and Noelle beat everyone, including Harper in the finals. Two weeks later, Joshua asks Noelle to help him with some homework and they go to his house, where Joshua tries to take advantage of her. Distraught, Noelle rushes home. Harper shows up later in the night, drunk, and proceeds to tell Noelle how much he misses her, then falls asleep on her couch. And that's what you missed on GLEE!

When I woke up the next morning, a Saturday, thank god, the first thing I did was rush downstairs to check if Harper was still there. Instead of his sleeping body lying on the sofa, I was greeted by the blanket I had lent to him neatly folded on the sofa, with the pillow lying on top.

Oh.

I sighed and flopped down on the sofa. I don't know what I had expected. I just knew that it would have been so awkward of he was here, and if he did remember what had happened last night. I huffed and pulled the pillow to my chest, his faint lemongrass scent running through the fabric. My heart ached and I pulled it even closer, remembering him hugging me the night before. Never had a boy's touch effected me that much. Except Joshua. His touch effected me in away that repulsed me.

That mundane. That freaking muggle. How could he? For once I thought that a boy actually liked me, in all my seventeen years of existence, there would actually be a boy who somewhat had a crush on me. That wasn't true, though- that idiot was just using me for sex. But stupid me thought that someone could actually like me. I scoffed and rolled my eyes at myself, not letting any tears fall.

Stupid me.

I sat there in the vast silence of my house, feeling completely and utterly alone, missing Harper even more than if he hadn't showed up at my house last night. I buried my face into the pillow. I wanted to call Emma to tell her what had happened- with Joshua, with Amanda and Bethany, with Harper- after all, I hadn't spoken to her in a long time- but I didn't want to disturb. There was this strange feeling that talking to her about all my problems- my issues in my messed up life- would burden her with worries. I didn't want to make anything harder for her than it already was.

I sighed into the pillow, holding back a sob.

Everything is so messed up.

Not a single thing is going right for me.

I am imperfect, and body is horrible.

I'm in an argument with my mom.

I can't speak to my friends about my issues.

I still have a few college applications to send in, with no time to work on them at all.

The guy I love doesn't return feelings, and is dating a girl who despises me.

My boyfriend tried to sexually harass me and almost got away with it.

The whole school hates me and bullies me and thinks I'm weak.

That's because you are weak.

I gulped down a sob.

You're weak.

You're weak.

You're weak.

Before my thoughts could continue to consume me anymore, my phone rang violently, shattering my trance. I shook my head quickly, sniffing, before picking up the phone.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hey, Noelle," Rhea's slightly nervous voice answered. "I need to speak to you about something."

My stomach immediately sank, sensing the tension her tone. "Why? Are you alright?"

"Um, yeah," she replied, and I could picture her biting her lip. "Do you want to meet for lunch so I can- you know- talk to you? Starbucks?"

"Oh," I stuttered. "Sure, sure. Of course. Definitely. Totally. I'd love to- "

A beeping sound, then Rhea hung up. "Right then," I muttered to myself, running a hand through my tangled red hair and putting the phone down, and also reluctantly setting the pillow on the sofa.

Within an hour, I was all ready, despite my ill fitting t-shirt and slightly-stained-with-spaghetti-sauce leggings. I hesitated at the front door, my head aching with heartbreak and my wrists covered up in all my bracelets. I bit my lip, running my hand over the door knob. The air around me pulsed with bad energy. Something, whether it was there or not, was telling me that this was a bad idea. That I shouldn't be doing this, that this will ruin me, that this will kill me.

That I will not survive a moment longer.

With heavy breathing and a dying heart, I stepped outside the house, the one safe place in my screwed up world.

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I stepped into Starbucks anxiously, desperately hoping that no one from school would be there. I was a live wire, every single noise startling me, my brain tensed and on edge, going absolutely insane. I couldn't even look up, I was so damn afraid. Every look I received from a guy sent me into a panic. I was terrified, terrified that someone could attack me and try what Joshua did. It wasn't polite to think that- many guys would not even dream to sexually harass anyone, but I wasn't in polite mode.

I was in survival mode.

By the time I had completed the walk from home and reached the booth in which Rhea was seated, swirling her coffee in her mug, my whole body was trembling. "Hey," I stuttered as I sat down.

I was grateful for the relatively warm smile she sent me. "Hey."

I smiled weakly. "How are you?"

Rhea looked away and shrugged. I nodded awkwardly, twisting the bracelets around my wrist, ignoring the jolt of pain that came with it.

"Look, Noelle, I have something I have to talk to you about," Rhea sighed. "You might not like it very much."

I laughed awkwardly, trying to lighten the mood. "It can't be that bad, right?"

She gave me a hard look in response. "Actually, it can."

Oh.

Oh, shoot.

This is not going well already. And I got here two minutes ago.

I don't get it- Rhea is usually really friendly. What happened?

"Okay," I took a deep breath in. "Hit me."

She bit her lip, shook her head, then opened her mouth. "You're in love with Harper, right?"

This is what we're talking about?

I was about to deny it and talk about how I had a boyfriend, when I realised I didn't have to say that anymore. Rhea already knew I loved Harper, and I wasn't about to call Joshua my boyfriend ever again, even if he were the last person on earth.

"Yeah," I sighed in defeat. "Didn't you already know that?"

"I did," she nodded, her jaw tightening. "Just wanted to clarify." She paused, then looked up, her stare piercing through me. I gulped.

"What makes you love him?" She pushed on further.

Narrowing my eyes, I shook my head. "Why do you want to know this?"

She ignored my question. "Do you know him very well?"

I gave up, but I couldn't stop the suspicious feeling building in my stomach. "Yeah, I guess...?"

"Do you know him as much as me?"

"Well- I don't know!"

"Do you know about Kate?"

I found myself a little shocked that she said that so casually out loud, but I continued. "Um, yeah, I do- "

"Do you know how she was just thirteen when she got really attached to the guy and he brought her to the party and drugged her? Do you know why he drugged her? Wait, never mind, nobody does- do you know how their whole relationship was a secret? Do you know- "

"Yes, I do know!" I replied angrily. "Now can we stop talking about what happened to her so casually, please? You do realise that this is actually an issue that is happening all over the world? That every girl lives in fear of this? I hope whoever drugged her was sent to prison, and for a long time, and- "

"You know," Rhea added thoughtfully, as if she weren't listening to me at all. "Alfie was sent to prison for a few months for drugging a girl."

"How does that have anything to do with- " I paused, realisation sinking into me like a knife. I turned to her, my face the exact image of horror. "You don't think- "

"Well," Rhea said matter-of-factly. "I'm definitely not ruling it out as a possibility."

Oh my gods-

No. It can't be. Not something Alfie would do.

Right?

"Why do you think that?" I asked, stomach churning. "Alfie's such a nice person, and- "

"Kate was drugged about a year ago. Alfie was arrested for drugging a girl about a year ago. What do you think?" She stated again, leaning back in her seat.

"But- "

"There's a reason Harper hates Alfie too, you know. What better reason to hate Alfie than this?"

"Oh my gods," I laughed nervously. "This is crazy. You can't be serious. I know Alfie- "

"No, Noelle, you don't." Rhea bit back harshly. "You don't know the first thing about him. Just because you've had the occasional conversation with him and you're dating his brother doesn't mean you know him like I do." She spat.

I need to talk to Alfie.

He drugged Kate.

He DRUGGED Kate.

He's already taken away a whole year of an innocent girl's life, and if she doesn't wake from her coma it could be even longer, and they could even pull the plug and then-

My mind spinning, I shakily got up from the table, leaning my hand on the wood to support myself.

"Hey!" Rhea said, looking alarmed. "Where are you going? I haven't talked to you about what I needed to talk to- "

"No." I shook my said. "I'm sorry, just call me, but- I need to talk to Alfie. Right now." With that, I rushed out of Starbucks, ducking around to the back of the small building. Fingers trembling and mind bursting with a raging pain, I dialled Alfie's number. Thankfully, within a few rings, he picked up.

"Noelle."

"I- I need to talk to you. Get to Starbucks in ten."

I hung up, before taking a seat on the ground, curling my knees up to my chest. This is crazy. This is insane. I- I can't belief it was Alfie. All this time it was Alfie.

Does Harper know?

Of course he does, he hates Alfie.

How could Alfie even think to do this?

Not just because it's hurting Kate, but what about her family?

What about Jenna?

And Maggie?

And Harper?

Does he have no heart?

Minutes later, footsteps echoed around me, and I looked up slightly to see worn out sneakers staring back at me. I looked up, only to be graced with Alfie's confused face, his blonde hair messy. My eyes widened.

"Noelle? Are you okay- "

In an instant, I was up, rage surging through my veins. I shoved Alfie's shoulders back, hard.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I yelled when he stumbled back in surprise. "What kind of sick human being are you, to do that to a little girl, you absolute neanderthal- "

"Woah, woah, woah!" Alfie yelled back, grabbing onto my hands that were trying to relentlessly hit him. "What are you talking about?"

I rolled my eyes, wrenching my hands away from him. "Don't act like you don't know!" I hissed. "I know it was you."

He raised an eyebrow. "I really have no idea what you're talking about."

"Kate!" I yelled. "This is about Kate!"

Silence rang around us like a bell, thrumming in my every nerve. Finally, Alfie hung his head back with a defeated look, his jaw clenched as if he were bracing himself.

My heart was racing so fast I could feel the throbbing of my pulse in my head, my vision turning red as I glared Alfie down. "You. Are such. A jerk. How could you do that to a person? You're insane- "

"Will you just shut up for a second?" Alfie yelled back, shocking me. "Will you let me fucking explain?"

"Explain? What the hell is there to explain?"

He sighed heavily and glared at me. "Why do you think I did it?"

"Well, for one, you know about it. You were arrested for drugging a girl about a year ago, and Kate got drugged about a year ago. She lived in Dallas, and you happened to live there too, and even if you didn't drug Kate, why on earth would you drug another girl anyways- "\

"Look, Noelle," Although his face was tensed in anger, his voice was slightly softer. "I know everything makes it seem like I did drug her, and- " He paused and bit his lip, and for the first time, I had never seen him look so worn down.

"Yes, I did get arrested for drugging Kate." He huffed in defeat. "But- I can't believe I'm telling you this, I'm not meant to tell people- I didn't do it."

What?

I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion. "How does that work? Mind explaining?" I narrowed my eyes.

"Noelle- " Alfie paused. "Kate is a girl."

"I think I am aware of that."

"You're saying that we had a secret relationship that nobody knew about."

"That's what Harper and Rhea said, yes." I nodded.

"And Kate is a girl."

"You've said that!"

"Remember when you saw me at that party?"

"Yes, I walked into a room with you and another guy and you were making out- " I impatiently blurted.

"Noelle, I'm gay."

"Yeah, I know that- " I halted in realisation. "Wait... " I looked up at him with wide eyes. "I remember. You told me that you were gay."

"Exactly." He continued. "And the person who drugged Kate had had a relationship with her. Why would I have a relationship with a girl if I was gay? So it couldn't have been me."

"But- " My mouth hung open. "You told me at the party that you pretended to date girls so your family wouldn't know that you liked guys."

"Yes, but the person's relationship with Kate was a complete secret. Nobody, not even Kate's brother knew about it. Why would I have a secret relationship with Kate?" Alfie explained in exasperation.

"Oh my gods," I stumbled back into the wall, the world a blur before me. "Oh my gods." I turned to Alfie in a flash. "Then who did it?"

He hesitated, looked around the area at the back of the Starbucks, then bit his lip, facing me.

"Joshua."

I yelped in surprise.

Joshua?

As in my soon to be ex-boyfriend Joshua?

He drugged Kate?

"What?" I muttered, the first tear slipping out of the corner of my eye. Sure, I hated Joshua with every fibre of my being, but I did have some sort of attachment to him before. After all, he was there when Harper wasn't. The idea of him doing something so despicable was painful. "Why would he do that?"

"Because he's a selfish asshole who just wanted to take advantage of her, that's why," Alfie said grimly. "And here she was, a little thirteen year old who was completely infatuated with him. He drugged her so she would be delirious, then he could take advantage of her, although he overestimated her bodily functions and gave her too much of the drug, forcing her into a coma."

I sobbed, a few more tears leaking out; my heart clenching painfully for Kate.

"When she passed out at the party, I was the one who called the authorities, but I didn't tell them it was Joshua- he's my brother. I couldn't. So we ran home before the police got there, and bumped into Harper on the way. I quickly explained to him what had happened and ran before he could say anything. As soon as we got home, I explained everything to our parents, and they were shocked, to say the least." Alfie fiddled with his thumbs. "The police were already suspecting Joshua, they heard, and were going to arrest him. They told us that we couldn't tell them it was Joshua- he had already committed so many crimes before that if he were to be arrested, he would be in prison for a few years." Alfie gulped audibly. "So when the police came for him, I told them that it was me."

I gasped. "What?"

"I love my parents- no matter how much they can discriminate and stuff. So I turned myself in because they wanted me to. Joshua would be imprisoned for years because of all his precious crimes. I'd been in there only for a few months. So, when we had to go to court and Harper said it was Joshua, I denied it and told the judge it was me. They took me into custody. After all, who would they believe? Someone who had just heard about what had happened, or an actual witness? That's why Harper hates us. Me, because I took the blame, and Joshua because he did that to Kate." Alfie finished sadly.

My throat blocked up, everything around me spinning. "But- " I grasped the hem of my shirt tightly. "Joshua... he wouldn't try to take advantage of... " I trailed off.

Don't be an idiot, Noelle- he tried to take advantage of you.

Why did you think that you were the first one he tried that with?

"Noelle?" Alfie sent me a concerned look. "Are you okay?"

"I just... " I choked my tears. "I need to be alone. I- I'm sorry, I just- I'll see you later."

With that, I ran off.

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I was pretty sure my mascara was streaking down my face in dark rivulets by the time I reached the mall. I ran to the nearest place with food that I could, that wasn't the dreaded Starbucks.

My whole world is crumbling around me.

Everything I have ever know isn't true, and everything I care about has just smashed me to smithereens.

What next? I though darkly.

Before heading to the food court to binge eat and express my sadness in large amounts of donuts, I decided to head up to the bathroom to clean myself up.

I can't believe it was Joshua all this time.

Joshua- he's such a jerk. I need to speak with him. I need to break up with him officially. I need to crush him for what he did to Kate.

Kate.

The poor girl. And Harper- he loves her so much- he must have been devastated.

It must have been the worse thing that ever happened to him.

I shook my head stumbling through the door to the deserted corridor leading to the bathroom. "I need to talk to Harper," I mumbled frantically to myself. "And Jo- "

I was interrupted by a girl's giggling from a few metres in front of me. I looked up to see a girl's arms twined around a certain blond's neck, laughing and kissing him as he whispered things to her under his breath.

"Joshua?" I breathed. Immediately, the girl's giggling died down. They both spun around in surprise and the girl's eyes widened.

"Joshy?" She nudged his arm. "Who is she?"

"Oh," Joshua smirked, and the look he gave me sent shivers of revolt burning down my spine. "Just a girl I know. Go wait at Nike or something for me, Carla. I'll be there in a few minutes."

Her worried look evaporated in just a second. "Of course, babe," she giggled and kissed him on the cheek. "See you there."

As soon as she left the empty corridor (with a quick glare directed to me) I turned on him. "Seriously?" I raged, forgetting about how nervous I was to be in there with him. "How long has she been going on?"

Joshua smirked again, sidling up to me. I instinctively took a step back. "About a month."

"A month?" I demanded incredulously. "You've been cheating on me for our entire relationship?"

When he didn't reply, I took another step back. "You're sick." I hissed. "Goodbye, Joshua." I spun away and began to walk off, before a harsh grip pulled on my wrist, right on my cuts, and spun me back so I was tumbling back into his chest. I yelped in pain.

"Where do you think you're going?" Joshua asked, moving his face closer to mine. From this close, I could see how swollen his lips were from kissing the girl, and the lustful glint in his eyes. Mustering up as much courage as I could, I spoke.

"I'm trying to end something that I should have ended a long time ago," I hissed, glaring at him square in the eye. He smirked, arching an eyebrow.

"Oh, really?" He hissed, his voice low. His eyes darted down to my cheeks, losing our eye contact. He grinned sickeningly and I almost burst out crying again. "You been crying then, babe?" He almost laughed. He stepped even closer, so out foreheads were almost touching.

By now, my entire persona of an 'air of confidence' had faded, and I was back to the snivelling, terrified girl from last night. My heart raced inside of my chest, trying to force be to get away from him, but I couldn't move a single step.

"Were you crying because of me?" His grin grew wider as if the idea pleased him. "Because of last night?"

One of his hands brushed my side through my thin t-shirt, at the same time his other hand on my wrist pressed down sharply into my bracelets. I let out a cry of pain.

Joshua's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, before the smirk returned on his face, disgusting as ever. He held up my wrist in front of his face, eyeing the bracelets.

No.

No, please, no.

Nobody knows about this and if Joshua finds out-

He picked at the bracelets, before lifting one off my wrist slightly, to reveal a fresh scar. My heart cried out, and a tear slipped down my face. "Ah," Joshua stated, grinning at me and letting the bracelet sling back harshly, hitting the scar. I bit back a yelp. "This is interesting," he finished.

Then, in a flash before I could react, Joshua slipped his hands under my shirt under my waist line. I shrieked, finally regaining my ability to move, and shoved him backwards.

"What are you doing?" I close to screamed, my voice trembling as I stepped away from him.

This can't be happening.

This is a nightmare.

This is all a dream.

I shut my eyes tightly before opening them. He was still there.

No it's not.

The panic clawed at my throat as he moved forward again, his eyes glinting with a sick sort of lust. "I'm going to finish what I started last night."

I cried out, tears flowing freely now, before spinning in the opposite direction in the desperate attempt to run away. I had gotten about two steps before Joshua's arm curled around my waist, yanking me backwards. Reacting quickly, I spun around and punched him in the face, before sending a kick to his stomach, causing him to crumble to the ground. I tried to run again but his hand caught onto my ankle, pulling me next to him on the hard floor, my head hitting the ground harshly. In an instant, he was hovering over me, his eyes boring into my face.

I instinctively tried to kick to his crotch, adrenaline running through my veins, but he caught my foot before I could get there. "You think I haven't learnt from last night, babe?" He grinned, hauling me up by my shoulders and smashing me into the wall. "I've learnt a lot of things," Joshua finished, pinning my knees to the wall with his own and trapping my hands over my head with one of his own, curling harshly around my wrists.

I tried to strike him- anywhere, anywhere- but my hands were stuck. I couldn't move my legs as well, them being glued to the wall. In one last frantic, sane thought, I realised that I was trapped.

"You were amazing out there," He commented. "Didn't know you could fight so well."

"Well," I blushed at the compliment. "That's only because there is an open space. I always get beaten when it's a much smaller area, because my opponent can pin me against the wall. I'm not very strong- I rely on speed- so that is a nightmare for me, because I can't escape."

I mentally cursed myself for being so stupid. Of course he would use this against me. Of course this would happen.

Now it's over for you.

I sobbed. "Why are you doing this Joshua?" I cried as a hand crept up my waist and he pressed his lips harshly to mine. I took the opportunity to bit his lip as hard as I could.

Joshua pulled away grinning, spitting away the blood that had sprouted on his lower lip. "Feisty, babe. That's hot."

"Let go of me!" I screeched. "You're a monster! First Kate, and then this?" I shrieked, tears falling rapidly as I thrashed around wildly, trying to get away.

"Ah," he chuckled. "So you know about that." He grabbed a fistful of the fabric at the neckline of my shirt.

"Please," I sobbed. "Let go of me."

"No can do, babe," Joshua hissed into my ear, before pulling his hand down and tearing my shirt off my body. My heart pounded into oblivion as his eyes greedily scanned my bare stomach, my bra. His lips attached themselves to my neck, kissing the skin as his hand grabbed another fistful of the waistline of my leggings. "This next," he grinned into my neck, before-

Suddenly, the overwhelming heat of his body was gone, and replaced by the cool air-conditioning of the corridor. I crumpled to my knees in relief to be away from him, not even bothering to look up. I sobbed into my hands, the feeling of his hands still running over my skin, as the sound of grunts and punches flew in the background. Finally, all was silent, and the heat of another body approached my side, laying a hand on my shoulder.

Joshua.

"No!" I shrieked, trying to shuffle away frantically. "Don't touch me! Don't go near me! Please- "

"Shhh, Noelle," a familiar voice breathed. "It's me."

I froze, peeking up from my hands to see a familiar pair of worried green eyes staring back at me. I literally cried in relief, flinging my arms around his neck and pulling him close to me.

"Harper," I cried into his shirt. "Oh my gods, Harper."

"Shhh," he cooed, pulling away and slipping his shirt over his head and pulling it over my bare body, then cradling me close to him and picking me up bridal style. "Let's get you home."

"No!" I nearly yelled. "Not home. I don't want to be alone." I sobbed. "I can't be alone." Harper's eyes softened painfully and nodded. "I was hanging out with Emma and Max before. Do you want to go there?"

I nodded faintly as we passed by Joshua groaning in pain on the floor, blood streaking his face. I did everything not to look at him.

Not again.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Emma and Max weren't there when we reached Emma's house, but I knew where the spare key was kept, so we got in. I breathed in the familiar smell in relief as we went up the stairs and he set me down on one of the beds in the guest room. As soon as I touched the mattress, I curled myself up into a ball on the duvet, fisting my hands into my hair.

And I cried.

I cried for everything I had lost, and for everything that I had happened.

I cried for Harper, and my unrequited love.

I cried for Bethany and Amanda, and I cried for the horrible life they had granted me with, where I was afraid to be myself.

I cried for Joshua, and what could have happened if Harper weren't there.

I cried for Kate, and I cried for the jagged scars on my wrist.

I cried for my world, and how much I longed to end it.

And I cried for myself and how much I simply hated me.

"Noelle," Harper said, his voice cracking as he seated himself on the bed beside me, his hand reaching out to touch my arm. I flinched almost leaped back.

"Please," I whispered hoarsely, begging him with my eyes. "Don't come near me."

His eyes filled with hurt, but nevertheless he took a step back. "W- why?" He stuttered. I shook my head.

"I don't need anyone else breaking me apart," I murmured. "I don't want you to go against that."

He looked at me in utter confusion. "Breaking you apart... ?" He furrowed his eyebrows adorably. "How am I breaking you apart?"

I shook my head.

He still hasn't figured out.

I was about to open my mouth to speak, when my phone rang from the waistband of my leggings. Startled, I pulled my phone out to see Joshua's contact flashing on the screen. Before I could do anything, Harper snatched the phone from my grasp, his expression the definition of unadulterated fury.

"Don't answer that," he hissed. "He's an asshole who's not worth your time. He doesn't deserve you, that son of a bitch- how could he even fucking dare do that to you? I'm going to fucking kill him for trying to hurt you- " Harper hit the wall, nearly punching a hole through it.

"Woah!" I yelled, leaping up from the bed, despite my raging headache. I grabbed his fist, lowering it away from striking the wall again. "Don't."

Harper looked me straight in the eye, his face full of concern and pain. "How could he do that to you?" He repeated, softer this time. "I can't believe I wasn't there. I- I should have come sooner, then maybe I could have- " his shaking hands cupped my face. "- I could have- " Suddenly his face fell as his eyes caught on my wrist. I looked down frantically to see that one, one traitorous bracelet had slipped from it's position.

NO.

Harper's hands immediately went to both of my wrists. "Stop- Harper, don't touch me- " Before I could continue, he had ripped the bracelets off my flesh.

Silence fell.

It was the longest, worst minute of my life.

My scars, old and new, healed and still bleeding, were displayed before his eyes. My weeks of redirected self hate, my months of keeping my feelings to myself just presented to my whole world.

There were hundreds there, small and long, scattered over my pale flesh in intricate patterns, horrible red and angry. I let out a strangled sob as I saw them before me, my heart and hate clogging my throat. Harper took a shaky step to sit back on the bed, before looking up at me with more pain in his eyes than I had ever seen in a person.

"Why?" He managed to blurt out. "Why do you do this to yourself?"

"Don't you get it?" I sobbed, tasting the sweet salt of my tears. "I hate myself. I hate the world." My voice rose hysterically. "I hate everything!"

I fell to the floor below me. "Everything," I stuttered. "Everything."

Harper looked at me in pain, speechless, his whole body shaking violently.

"You don't get it, Harper," I shook out. "You keep telling me that I'm beautiful- at least you used to- but I'm not. Emma is beautiful. Amanda is beautiful. Bethany is beautiful." I sobbed. "But not me. That's why no guy in my entire existence has ever liked me, because I'm ugly and horrible and unlikable. Hell, even my own boyfriend didn't like me- he was just using me for sex- and I hate that, I hate that I hate that!" I yelled. "And I'm not perfect, and here I am surrounded by perfect people! I'm hideous and flawed and I mean- look at me!" I gestured to my revolting body. "And everyone, absolutely everyone at school despises me and obviously doesn't want me there and sends me disgusted looks everywhere I go and is bullying me for social anxiety- especially Amanda and you're stupid girlfriend- "

"Bethany?" Harper asked incredulously. "Bethany has been doing this to you?"

"Yeah," I chuckled dryly. "She and Amanda threw shoes at me yesterday."

"What?" Harper looked so shocked I almost wanted to laugh at how oblivious he had been.

"She's been bullying me like hell," I twiddled my thumbs. "She and Amanda. They despise me. Ever since you started dating. And they've been convincing the whole school to hate me and it's easy for them because they're pretty and popular, and Harper- " I sobbed again. "I feel like my friends are growing apart from me and I hate it and I'm in an argument with my mom and it's the worst thing ever- "

"It doesn't mean you have to hurt yourself like this, Noelle!" Harper bellowed, startling me. "I can't stand to see you like this- why didn't you just come speak to me?"

"To you?" I laughed darkly through my tears. "To you? Why would I come to you? We don't even speak to each other anymore, and you expect me to pour my heart out to you? I doubt you'd even care!"

"You doubt I'd care?" Harper yelled. "What? All I've been telling you is that I miss you and I care about you! How could you even think for a moment that I don't care?"

I wish he meant it.

I couldn't even bear to think of a time when Harper wouldn't care.

"Because there's nothing to like about me!" I shouted. "You've just been saying that because you pity me- it's pretty obvious!"

"Give me one reason- one reason, Noelle- that shows for a single moment that I don't care!" He retorted.

"Oh, I don't know, the moment you started paying more attention to Bethany than me? The moment when I walked into you both kissing? The moment when you decided to date her?" I bristled in fury.

"Why do you care if I'm dating Bethany?"

"Because I'm fucking in love with you!" I screamed.

We both stopped as soon as the words left my mouth. Not because I had sworn for the first time in seventeen years, but for the words that had come afterwards. My heart stopped as I took in his starstruck expression.

"Can't you see, Harper Andrews?" I said again, much softer this time. "All this time, I've been in love with you."

"Noelle," Harper gasped. "That can't be true."

"It is," I confirmed, my veins pounding pure adrenaline. "Ever since that night in December, it's all I could ever think about."

He just shook his head, mouth gaping open, and I felt myself fall.

What have you done, Noelle?

What have you done?

He doesn't return the feelings, you know that, so why did you tell him, you idiot?

You idiot.

You stupid girl.

A choked out cry crawled from my throat, and I ran. I ran out of the room, dashing down the stairs, ignoring a searing pain in my ankle as I tripped. I raced to the set of drawers by the front door, where I knew Emma kept her car keys, and yanked them out of their hiding spot between two books, before racing out the door and down the driveway. Before I could convince myself otherwise, I hauled myself into the car- into the driver's seat for the first time in my life- and started the engine.

All I knew was that I had to get away from there.

Away from him.

And fast.

As I pulled out of the driveway, a shaken up Harper burst through the front door, setting his eyes on the car- unlucky for him, the only one in the driveway. I saw his mouth move soundlessly up and down before I was on the road.

Then I was driving, surely breaking at least ten laws, speeding down streets and avenues and everything in between, desperate to make it home, my heart bursting and my stomach feeling sick.

Finally, I made it to my house, with nothing injured but my heart, and raced up the stairs to my room. If my mom was home, I didn't acknowledge her, crumpling to the floor of my bathroom. I cried, I sobbed, I cut, I hurt, the self-hate bursting from the seams.

I had never felt this before, this much hate in this cruel world. Everything was ruining me, everything was killing me, and everything wanted me to be killed and to be gone.

Why don't I do them a favour?

I shocked myself with that thought, before hugging my knees and considering it.

It could work.

The whole school would be happy with me gone.

My mom wouldn't have to put up with me anymore.

Harper and Bethany could have their precious little relationship in peace.

And I could get rid of the pain.

After that, everything was a blur. I couldn't control my whole body anymore. One moment, it was trying to stand up, the next, it was reaching for the sleeping pills situated on the top shelf. I pulled the bottle into my palm, and collapsed back on the cool tile floor, ignoring the carefully printed instructions adorning the front. I twisted the cap open with shaking hands and began to shake the pills out in my hand. I took a deep breath, before I swallowed the first one dry.

One by one, I swallowed them. The pain had been raging before, but by the fifth pill, I was going numb. The world was shaking before me and the towel on the rack by the bathtub was a blur of turquoise. Everything was spinning, I couldn't see- but I didn't stop, each pill going in one by one.

Suddenly, dull shouting. A flash of light when the bathroom door was flung open.

But it was too late.

A pleasing sense of relief overwhelmed me as the world grew darker.

Finally, I smiled internally to myself. An escape.

The last thing I saw were a pair of bright green orbs before I passed out.

THIS IS NOT THE LAST CHAPTER

I cried while writing this :/

Well, at least I hope this is worth the wait?

IM SORRY IT'S BEEN LIKE A MONTH

HIIIIIIII

Fun fact: Today, the 9th of January, is the first anniversary of Falling Too Far. I uploaded the first chapter on this day, a year ago :)

HOW ARE YOU

HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRRRRRRRR

if you don't mind, could you follow my new instagram account for taylor swift: rosegardensthorns

I have gotten so obsessed with the app 'episode' like what even

So... thoughts on this chapter?

I know the fact that I made all this happen to Noelle might upset a lot of you, but my aim was to make this story realistic, and I think I've succeeded in that. I was never intending for this book to be a fairytale.

I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH YOU'RE THE BEST I'M SO HAPPY

Goal: 1000 votes?

Dedication: thoughts on Noelle?

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-A xx