Dedicated to: reytonn (for the new cover- first fan made cover!!!1!1!)

"Hello?"

"Hi," Joshua breathed on the other end of the phone. "How are you?"

Slightly surprised, I frowned a little, my reply stiff. "I'm fine, thank you."

Why is he calling?

What if he found out about my wrists- that's why he's asking if I'm alright! Oh my gods.

"So... " Joshua dragged on, and my heart sunk in my chest.

He's going to ask about it.

Oh gods-

"I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to the park about now? I don't really want to go alone."

I let out a short sigh of relief. Why was I being so paranoid? Nobody would ever know about it. Nobody needed to know about it, and nobody would. After all, out of all the people in the world, how would Joshua know about it?

"Sure," I replied. I paused for a second, surprised at my response.

He's been so nice to you. That's why you said yes.

I shook it off, continuing. "I'll meet you by the entrance in ten minutes?"

"I'll be waiting."

Then he hung up.

I sighed, slumping at the foot of my bed. Something had changed after I had brought that razor to my skin just a few hours ago. Something small- like the flicking of a switch- but something just as drastic, almost turning the light completely off in my life.

My heart was heavy, my eyes were raw with tears and my body and wrist were aching like hell. I couldn't help but notice how all these feelings had disappeared when I found Harper's pile of books at the doorstep.

Sure, someone might argue- they're just a pile of books.

First of all, they're not just a pile of books. Go read Harry Potter, idiot.

And secondly-

They were just a pile of books given to me by Harper.

And somehow that brought a whole new meaning to the situation.

I got to my feet slowly, dreading going outside.

Joshua has been nice to you, Noelle. Just go with it. Do something for someone else for once.

Hastily, I shrugged a sweater on before stepping out of the house, embracing the cool late February air. As I passed by Harper's house, I couldn't help but sniff a little, crazily hoping to catch a scent of his musky lemongrass scent. Disappointed, when it wasn't lingering in the air, I frowned and walked a little faster.

Finally, I reached the wide green park bathed in the golden light of the sunset. Seeing that Joshua wasn't there, I glanced down at my phone, realising that I was two minutes early. Standing around impatiently for a bit, I dazed off, daydreaming about puppies and Hermione Granger and the aching thought of Harper- before I was startled to my senses, that is.

"BOO!" Joshua yelled from behind me. I let out a shriek of surprise, before tumbling into the grass, hitting my wrist on the ground. I hissed in pain, but Joshua didn't seem to notice, clutching his stomach and laughing his head off.

"Your- face- " he choked out in between laughter. No matter how much my wrist was hurting, a couldn't help but crack a little smile, rolling my eyes sarcastically at him. I pushed myself to my feet slowly as Joshua stared at me, his hands now limp at his sides, but still chuckling with amusement.

"Yeah, yeah, I fell down, very funny," I grumbled teasingly, gently punching his shoulder. "Now do you want me to elbow strike you like last time?"

Joshua shut up.

I laughed and rested my arm on his shoulder as we began to walk down the path cutting through the middle of the park. I looked down at the ground, trying to time my steps with his so that we were walking in time with each other.

We walked along, talking about random things- debating about the existence of blue oranges (could you scientifically make an orange, blue? Would that technically make that a blue?), but all the time I was struggling to keep focus, the searing pain in my heart and wrist pulling on me, tugging at me skin harshly. So, when Joshua got into his rant about what happened in his Chemistry class between Tina Baker and Jonah Williams I blanked out.

Everything was reminding me of stupid Harper.

It was depressing.

The grass- they looked like his eyes- and the sky was the burning gold flecks. The black of Joshua's shoes- they were the precise shade of Harper's hair. The pineapples in the lady's grocery bad reminded me of that mortifying day I got completely wasted and Harper laughed his head off, the fountain reminded me of the night in the jacuzzi when he kissed me for the first time and so ruthlessly crushed me just seconds after. And the cute couple sitting on the bench to my right- their hands intertwined tightly together made me yearn for Harper's fingers to cradle my own.

Joshua didn't notice the first tears springing in my eyes before I hastily wiped them away- the horror of how I had hurt myself and Harper building up. Finally, we came to a stop, and I followed suit when he took a seat on the bench.

"Noelle- there's a real reason why I asked you to meet me today." He said slowly, connecting his dull blue eyes with mine. I gasped in surprise.

"You agree with me, don't you? Oranges can be blue!" I exclaimed excitedly. "Now you owe me forty dollars!"

Joshua gave me a weird look. "What?"

"This is so exciting- imagine how many bookmarks I can buy with that money- "

"Noelle- "

"And the Oreos! Ohhh, the Oreos!"

"That wasn't what I wanted to talk to you about." Joshua replied stonily.

Oh.

I paused, my face falling a little, but I tried to shrug it off. "Oh, sorry, what did you want to say?"

He sighed and tugged on the hem of his shirt, obviously a little nervous. "You see- I like this girl," he began.

I awkwardly nodded for him to continue.

Why is he telling me this?

He shifted on the bench so that he was facing me. "I like her a lot. And I was wondering... how do you ask a girl that you really like out?"

For some reason, I blushed a little. "Joshua, I really don't know how to ask a girl out. It's not something that I've... done before." I attempted to joke.

It was Joshua's turn to flush red. "That's not what I meant- "

I laughed a little. "I know, I was just kidding. But really, it depends on the girl you're asking."

I watched as Joshua stayed silent, fiddling with a fraying part of his jeans, before finally looking up at me, a strange emotion flashing through his eyes.

"How would you typically like to be asked out? Like- you know, um, just to g- give me an idea?" Joshua stuttered quickly, his face deepening to a darker red.

I felt my cheeks heat up, desperately wanting to run out of the park for some reason. Don't blame me- this was an awkward topic that only Emma had heard about.

I swallowed slowly. "Well, I kind of want it to be really cute. I want the guy to put in some effort, you know?" I coughed, blushing under Joshua's intense stare. "But if I really love the guy, I think I want him to be straight out- get to the point."

He nodded slowly, before mumbling something softly under his breath. Abruptly, he stood up, waved at me briefly, before spinning on his heel and strolling away, leaving me behind gaping slightly.

What?

Did he just-

He just ditched me.

Jerk.

I sighed, before grumpily pulling myself together and walking home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"You need to do something," Emma chided into the phone. "You're so blatantly in love with him it's sickening."

"I know," I whined into the phone. "I'm a disgrace."

I glided (more like tripped and stumbled) past the hospital receptionist.

It was just after school, and I was going to visit Kate.

I knew it was kind of weird- visiting the guy who broke my heart's little sister who was currently in a coma in the hospital, but I just felt like I needed to. I wanted to talk about the adorable jerk I was hopelessly in love with someone, and who better than his fourteen year old sister?

God, I'm strange.

"You know what you should do?" Emma almost whispered into the phone as I began my tedious journey to the third floor. "Try and move on, Noelle. Try liking someone else."

I sighed. "Emma, I can't force myself to like someone."

"Sure you can! Well not truly, but I hope it'll help with your heartache. If you don't want to do it, that's fine too."

"I might try," I mumbled, struggling not to fall down the stairs as I hiked up. "Nothing to lose."

"That's the spirit."

"Look, I have to go. I'm reaching the hospital room. Bye- thanks."

"No problem. Good luck," she sighed, before clicking off the phone.

I finally came to a stop outside Kate's hospital room.

Should I really do this?

Would Harper be okay with this?

Would Kate be okay with this?

Cautiously, I held my breath and inched the door open, the cold metal door knob digging harshly into my skin. The first thing I saw was Kate, looking gorgeous as ever, her eyes closed, lying on the bed. The subtle beeps from the life support machine rang in the background as I approached her.

Kate's jet-black hair was spread around her in a halo, and her lips were pale. I died to see what colour her eyes were- belonging to a family with the most vibrant colours I had ever seen.

I quietly pulled a chair up to the side of her bed, my insides twisted into knots. I didn't know why I was so nervous- there was just this strange sort of thick atmosphere contaminating the air. I wondered if Kate was getting weirded out by me coming to her room- after all, I had only gone to see her twice.

But maybe- maybe- she felt that strange connection, I don't know, bond of something between us.

How cliché. You have a connection with the guy you love's little sister.

My life could be a Wattpad book.

I sighed softly, pushing a strand of hair from Kate's face. "Hey, Kate."

I watched her stomach move up and down as she breathed and I hoped, not only for my sake but Harper's, that it would stay like that.

"How are you? Do you remember me?" I smiled a little, hoping that she was listening. "I'm Noelle. I came with Harper some time ago."

"I guess me and him were in an okay situation back then. We were friends, and I was in love with him, and Bethany wasn't messing anything up." I chuckled. "Oh my gods, I miss that."

"Your brother is an idiot, you know that?" I asked, fiddling with a ring that was slipped on her hand. "He asked me to the dance soon after, and kissed me in his car. And that night- we danced. It was amazing- I felt so at home just being in his arms. I felt like a princess. I thought he liked me." I gulped down rising tears. "I was so stupid."

"Later, he ditched me for Bethany and I found them on the field together- they weren't doing anything though. What really hurt me was the way he was looking at her- like, I don't know, she was the centre of his world. And that really broke me. So I ran. I ran away from them. I ran away from him."

I was trying so hard not to cry.

Like I always do.

Another reason to hate yourself- you are so freaking weak.

"And after that, at school they always hung out- it was like he didn't bother being friends with me anymore and it was horrible and it hurt so much and then I had to go to that stupid party and they were kissing and ugh!" I slammed my fist down on my knee, relishing the pain. It was like the dam of frustration inside me had finally broken, surging through my body, contaminating my blood stream and wreaking havoc in my brain. I couldn't control myself.

But still I held back the tears.

"And then I completely freaked at lunch the next day and he though I was mad at him because he ditched me and not because he was kissing Bethany! And it always seemed like they had something before but I disregarded it and then he told me Bethany was his girlfriend and- " I squeezed my knees, nails digging in. " - it was terrible and I freaked out and ran away. Then he followed me and- "

I continued to pour out my feelings, recounting from when Harper shouted at me and I ran away again, seeing him shaking on the floor of the hallway, to just the other day when I found fourteen books at my door and Joshua had been incredibly sweet and had taken me out to the park. And I talked about taking that stupid blade to my wrist and how much I had regretted it, but how much I wanted to do it again.

And honestly, that was the scariest thing of all.

I had to hide the bloody sheets from Mom, stuffing it in the washing when she was out for dinner with a few friends, so nobody knew about it. Lana, of course, was somewhere in her room probably trying to set her bed sheet on fire, so she knew nothing. It would probably scar her if she did. Nobody knew about it- I even kept it from Emma and Laura, and no way in a million years would I ever willingly tell Harper.

It was weird how the first person that suddenly came to mind was Joshua.

I pushed the thoughts away, focusing back on Kate. I could only imagine how devastated Harper must have been, getting a phone call from hospital that his sister was in a coma after being drugged by someone at a party. I didn't know much about the topic, but I knew that people were often sent into comas when drinking themselves senseless- which, for a girl like Kate, I was assuming, would only happen when she would have no control over her inhibitions. Just the thought of him rushing to the hospital teary eyed broke my heart.

I wonder if it breaks his heart when I cry.

Definitely not- he has Bethany to worry about now. Calm her down when her stupid monster nails break.

Female dog.

I fiddled with the bracelets I had strategically placed over my cuts.

Is this what it feels like to be stuck in a cheesy heartbreak song?

Of course it had me thinking about the cheesy love song that was playing at the Valentine's Day Dance when I was dancing with Harper, when I thought everything would be alright.

Wow, was I wrong.

It suddenly felt like my entire life was shooting in a downward spiral. Harper tore me to pieces, Rhea was avoiding me for some reason, everyone around me was rubbing salt in the wound that they were happily in love (even Laura and Bob, even though they weren't dating yet, but it was completely obvious), and Mom still hadn't spoken to me since the horrible incident where I had shouted at her for taking Harper's side.

Suddenly, a loud bang sounded from behind me.

Startled, I fell off my chair in a typical 'Noelle Richards' fashion, hitting the tile ground. I let out a groan at the impact of my butt slamming the floor.

I'm definitely going to get a butt bruise.

"Noelle?" I was too involved with rubbing my sore butt to notice the voice the first time.

"Noelle?" The voice asked again, husky and low, and oh-so familiar.

Oh gods.

I glanced up, blushing madly. There, by the door, was Harper and Jenna. Jenna was holding a hand over her mouth, lightly muffling her adorable laughter at me falling off a chair. Harper, on the other hand, was looking quite shocked, still sweaty and in his basketball uniform, obviously just back from basketball practice.

In his uniform, I could see his biceps and his shirt was lightly stuck to his stomach and chest with water that he had presumably poured on himself to cool off so I could see the faint outline of the muscles in his chest and abs. I allowed myself to swoon a little before coming to my senses.

"Yeah?" I responded quite sheepishly. Harper moved towards me and offered me a hand, although I could see the amused smile he was struggling to restrain.

I almost took his hand, before realising what I was doing. Instead, I got to my feet on my own, ignoring the evident hurt in his eyes. I brushed my palms off on my jeans, and Harper ran a hand through his hair.

"What are you doing here?" He asked. I blushed a little, unsure of how I was going to answer.

"Um... I g-guess I just wanted to speak to someone and everyone else was busy, so- "

"You could have spoken to me," Harper said quietly, avoiding my eyes.

I narrowed my eyes, sure that he was trying to lead me on again as soon as my heart fluttered a little. "You had basketball practice."

He looked at me for the first real time. "You know I wouldn't have cared. You know I would pick up that phone call even if I got kicked off the team."

I narrowed my eyes even further. "I knew you would have done that a few weeks ago, Andrews. I don't even know who you are now." I hissed. Harper's eyes filled with pain instantly, and I almost regretted it.

No. Remember how much pain he's brought you?

Why is my life so dramatic?

Before Harper could reply, I heard a whimpering noise from behind Harper. He turned so I could see Jenna, her eyes brimming with tears.

"Please don't fight, guys," she whispered, looking up at us sadly. "I don't like it when you fight." I instantly felt guilty. What was I doing, picking a fight in front of a five-year-old?

"I'm sorry, monkey," Harper turned his back to me, crouching down to Jenna's level and poking her dimples, making her giggle a little. "I'll get you some chocolate later to make it up to you." My heart swelled at the sight of Jenna's large, overjoyed grin.

Harper picked Jenna up and set her on his hip. Jenna glanced at me and frowned a little. She opened her rosy lips to speak.

"Aren't you dating? B- but... Harper told me that you kissed three times! The first time in the hot tub in Japan, on the 12th of December at exactly... Harpie, what time did you tell me and Mom it was? 10:37 or 11:37?" She giggled and glanced at me. "Never mind. But he told me just how much he- "

"That's enough, Jenna!" Harper exclaimed, setting her down next to Kate after lightly kissing both their foreheads. His cheeks were tinted pink as he took a seat next to Kate, and I couldn't help but let my heart flutter a little.

He remembered exactly what time we kissed?

Jenna didn't cease to look up at me curiously. "But didn't you kiss?"

I glanced quickly at Harper who had averted his eyes. I hesitated before shaking my head firmly. "No. We never kissed."

I swallowed the lump in my throat.

From the corner of my eye, Harper flinched. I could understand why- it was like I was completely throwing away our history with each other.

But isn't that what he wants?

And isn't that what I need?

"Bye," I tried to casually call to Jenna, desperate to leave the small room with Harper in it. "It was great seeing you again."

"BYEEE!" Jenna called, oblivious to the tension in the room. Before I could slam the door shut, Harper stopped me, his back still facing away.

"Will you be okay getting home? It'll be night soon and I don't want anything to happen." He said tensely.

"No." I said bitterly. "I'll find away."

After I closed the door, I muttered under my breath. "I always do, anyway."

And this time, I wasn't necessarily talking about getting home.

...

Yeah... I didn't update in ages.

I'm so sorry... I don't have a different explanation. Same thing- new school.

Is the story getting boring? Because in a few chapter there will be some INTENSE drama...

HOW ARE YOU

HOWS SCHOOL

Just curious... how old are you? I was writing and I realised I don't know what age most my readers were, and I was curious...

I'm thirteen :)

Thank you so much to everyone who has been sending me the sweetest comments! They make me so happy and the really make my day :) I LEGIT LOVE THEM SO MUCH ALL OF YOU ARE THE BEST PEOPLE EVER YOU MAKE ME SO HAPPY AND MAKE ME SMILE AND ILY ALL

Goal: 430 votes... ?

Dedication: who would you rather murder right now? Bethany, Harper, or Joshua? I personally want to kill Joshua...

BYEEE

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-A xx