Dedicated to: SprinkleJellyDonuts (isn't the cover the most gorgeous thing ever?!?!?)

TRIGGER WARNING: self harm

The floor was cold against my knees and palms, digging in through my clothing. I couldn't breathe, the little breath that I was exerting was heaving out in short, raspy spasms. The ringing in my ears was louder now, and the world was still blurry, but I could make out a shape quickly moving to kneel beside me.

I felt arms wrap around my quaking body, picking me up, a hand beneath my knees and the other behind my back. There was a certain desperation in the touch of the hands that clung onto me. There was shouting- loud and violent and angry, and finally the person set off running, racing out of the cafeteria. I pressed myself to the person's chest, my body still shaking, the ringing clear in my ears.

Lemongrass.

I could smell lemongrass.

From his smell, from the way I felt my skin heat up and ignite under his touch, I knew it was Harper.

I wanted to fall into his touch, to stay in his arms forever- but at the same time I wanted to just leap out his arms and round-house kick him in his face.

I settled for staying rigid in his arms.

Finally, I felt a door being opened, and Harper set me down on the sink of the girl's bathroom so I was sitting, my legs hanging off the edge.

Wait.

The girl's bathroom?

That can't be.

I opened my eyes, the ringing fading, the shaking ceasing, the tears slowing down on my cheeks- Harper standing in front of me, a worried look on his face. His hands were on my shoulders, gently caressing them under his fingers.

"Are you okay?" He asked frantically.

I stared at him in awe, floods of emotion surging through my body.

Why is he helping me?

He shouldn't be helping me.

I don't want him to help me.

No, I do.

No, you have to stay away from him, idiot!

I didn't say anything. I held my breath as Harper edged forward, his hands electric on me, gently pressing his forehead against mine. I couldn't help but relax into his touch.

"Are you okay, Noelle?" He asked softly. I stared into his eyes- so mesmerising, so close. His gaze is tense on mine- trying to seek something from me.

I had to close my eyes, clenching my mouth shut.

I can't do this.

"Please stop, Harper." I said, quietly. "Please stay away from me. You promised to stop being in my life."

"Noelle- you knew I didn't mean that." He sighed, his voice tight and cracking slightly. "I need you."

Need me my butt.

"No- you don't." I pushed Harper away from me slightly. A hurt look filled in his eyes, but I chose to ignore it, my heart aching a little. "Stop trying to help me. I really don't need this in my life. Please get back to your- "

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING- GET THE HELL OUT!" A voice screamed.

Oh no, Harper. Have fun getting out of this one.

I saw Laura very angrily emerge from the door of the bathroom, her face flaming. "DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE? WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING? SHE TOLD YOU TO GO, AND THIS IS THE GIRL'S BATHROOM! GO, YOU ABSOLUTE MORTAL!"

A panic-stricken look emerged on Harper's face, and I found myself feeling kind of bad. I was astonished when his features hardened a little.

"Laura, can I talk to you? Alone?"

His voice was so sharp even Laura had to obey. I felt kind of hurt, sitting there on my own. I looked down at my legs.

They're so fat.

They awkwardly stepped to the corner of the bathroom, Harper's back facing towards me.

"You don't understand," Harper hissed quietly, so I had to strain my ears to hear.

"Then help me understand," Laura shot back defiantly. "What the hell has been happening to you, Harper? God, you've become such an idiot. The Harper from Dallas would have never done this. And from what I heard from Noelle, the Harper from 'before-Bethany' wouldn't have done this as well."

Yes! Team Laura!

Harper's shoulders tensed up a little, and he leant down to whisper something in Laura's ear. Her eyes quickly widened and glanced at me for a second, before flickering back. She shook her head forcefully, her eyes hardening.

"No way that's true, Andrews. Get out."

"Laura- it is- "

"Laura?" I asked quietly. Both of them paused, looking at me in wonder.

Yes, I can speak, idiots.

"Can I- can I actually talk to Harper for a bit?"

What?

Where did that come from?

Why did you say that?

Despite Laura's astonished look, she feebly nodded. I got down to hug her quickly, sending her a smile of gratitude which seemed to calm her down a little.

As soon as she left, I turned to Harper, somehow feeling quite bold. I don't know why I asked him to stay- to shout at him, to talk to him, to brutally murder- I just really wanted him there.

He looked absolutely perfect, I observed, which just made my heart ache so much more. Realising I had been staring, I blushed. I found myself longing for one of his cocky remarks I hadn't heard in so long that I just wanted to cry because I loved him, and I missed him, and I missed who I was with him, and I missed us.

I quickly swiped at the tears forming beneath my eyes. "I'm sorry," I mumbled. "I don't know why I asked you to stay. It isn't appropriate for us to be in here together. You have a girlfriend. And I'm sure you have to get to class. It's okay. You can go." I turned away from him quickly, staring at the shattered tile on the ground.

"Hey," Harper almost whispered, gingerly taking my shoulders in his hands and pulling me around. I winced at the contact- he either didn't notice or didn't care. His eyes bore into my own and I wanted to hate "Noelle. I'm not going anywhere. You're clearly in pain, and even if you won't tell me, I'm not going to leave you. I'll never leave you."

But you already have, haven't you?

"You're such a jerk." I blurted out quickly. I waited for Harper's indignant, confused face, but he did nothing, his features remaining neutral.

So I continued.

"You are such a muggle, Harper Andrews. You annoy me to the point of stabbing someone, but I care for you so much. Then you have to go and lead me on, then throw me away for someone else. You have to go spend more time with Bethany than you do with me, and I feel like I'm losing you- and I hate it. Oh my gods, I hate it so much. I hate you so much. I miss you, though. I miss our friendship and I really want it back, but I know we can't ever get it. You're gone from my life. I want to try and pretend like you never existed- like we never met- but it's so freaking hard! You're still sweet when you want to be- even if you are the jerkiest jerk-wad the world has ever seen. You still act like you care for me, even though I wish you would stop- so I can just push you away. I hate you, Harper Andrews, for doing this."

I breathed in, catching my breath. Harper still stared at me with that same, emotionless expression, but I saw his eyes glinting with restrained pain, his teeth pressed together tightly and a tic in his jaw. My heart felt stomped on- as if it weren't already feeling the same way before.

Finally, Harper spoke. "I'm sorry," he said, bringing his hand up to cup my face, his touch burning my skin. "I'm sorry."

I closed my eyes. "I wish you were, Andrews. I really do."

And with that, I left the bathroom before I could say another word-

Before he could call me back and before I would forgive him again.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Nobody was home when I got back to my house.

Even Misha was sleeping.

This was the first sign I should have ran away from myself.

I let myself into the kitchen, dumping my stuff down on the counter, burying my head in my hands. I noticed a note on the countertop.

Noelle, I'm out with Lana and her friends at a birthday party.
There is soup in the fridge.
-Mom

That was my second sign to run away from myself.

I groaned, remembering my fight with her last night. She didn't deserve that.

Of course she must've thought I was overreacting. She had no idea what I was going through, and I just had to last out at her.

I can't ever do anything right, can I?

Even Emma- I haven't been speaking to my own best friend much since this drama happened. She must be really annoyed at me.

And Jenna and Lana- oh my gods. I haven't been hanging out with my sister and my fellow fangirl.

I hate this.

I trudged up the stairs, guilt weighing me down immensely. What the hell am I doing? Why am I letting a boy who doesn't even care for me ruin my relationships with family and friends?

Stupid Harper.

Shut up. It's not even his fault! You can't blame him for you falling in love with him.

Maybe that's why he doesn't care for me. Because I blame everyone else.

I glanced in the mirror in front of my bed, cocking my head slightly.

I'm not pretty either.

Of course he wants Bethany. The perfect girl.

I wasn't very perfect.

My hair was a violent shade of red, and from this close, you could see the light pimple scars on my face. And my arms- they were awkward and too long, and my stomach wasn't completely flat, nor did I have a thigh gap. My nose was sharp and strangely shaped and my eyes- that boring shade of hazel.

But Bethany- her hair was the perfect shade of strawberry blonde, and her complexion was flawless. Her arms were perfect sized, she had a perfect body, her nose wasn't weird, and her eyes were a beautiful shade of rich chocolate brown.

You're not beautiful, Noelle.

And you never will be.

That's why Harper doesn't like you. That's why Bethany hates you and that's why Amanda bullies you.

That's why you hate yourself.

I tried to gulp down the tears, tried to stay strong, but I couldn't. Streams of salty water fell down my face rapidly, and I couldn't help but notice how extremely ugly I was when I cried.

Why can't I be perfect?

Self hatred burned at my throat, piercing through me.

Why don't you do us all a favour and get out of our lives?

Amanda's words echoed in my head.

Don't listen, Noelle.

But I had to.

I wanted to get out of my life, too.

I sobbed, sliding to the floor. That was all I seemed to be doing nowadays- crying. I was such a weak person, I thought. I can't handle anything.

There, in the place I found the safest in the world, everything became so dangerous. I was blinded by self-hate that seemed to consume my body, dragging me down into it's dark depths, urging me to feel the need to destroy it because every inch of me was ugly and horrific and simply not good enough.

For me.

For everyone.

I had to do something about it.

I hurriedly stood up from the floor and rushed to my connected bathroom, dazed and unsure what I was doing, only the panic blazing through the darkness, it's hold on my life tightening with my every step, surging through me and wreaking havoc in my body.

I reached the sink and the counter with all my toiletries, the grey marble bright and the mirror showing me a picture of a girl. The girl had red hair, was short, her eyes swollen and puffy, tears streaking down her face, dripping down her ugly face. The girl I saw in the mirror that day was simply not good enough for anybody.

Unable to take it anymore, I grabbed my little blue bag of toiletries, emptying it in a rush, over my counter top.

Then I got the razor out.

I grasped it tightly in my shaking hands before holding it over my pale wrists, watching the cold metal glance at the harsh bathroom lighting. I brought it down.

One slash.

A second.

Then a third.

It hurt.

But it seemed to relieve something inside me- destroying my ugly body made me feel the tiniest better.

But at the same time, a little bit worse.

I watched the blood drip down the drain in shock, my eyes welling up with tears, my throat blocked as I struggled to breathe, my chest heaving up and down rapidly. I dropped the razor, faintly hearing it clatter to the floor, slightly staining the tiles red.

I stumbled back to my room, clutching my wrist, and collapsed on my bed, my back to the window.

Did I- did I just do that?

Again?

I shuddered, curling up on the bed, my shoulders shaking with violent sobs, my heart aching, my soul heavy with hatred. The wrist lay in front of me, the three prominent red lines piercing into my vision, the actual cuts stinging horribly. It hurt, it hurt like hell-

But I definitely did not regret it.

HARPER'S POV:

I glanced out my window, through the crack in the curtains.

Just because I couldn't talk to Noelle anymore didn't mean I couldn't look at her.

And just a few months ago, I found myself having a hard time to stop looking at her.

She was attractive, there was no doubt about that.

Fuck that, she was fucking beautiful.

More so than any girl I had ever met- and I just wished she could realise it. Seeing her silently hating herself hurt me more than she could think.

So, when I looked out the window, it felt like my heart had been smashed against the ground.

I couldn't see her face, or the front of her body for that matter, but her fragile figure was curled up on her bed, shoulders violently shaking- a clear indication she was crying. Her shoulders were pulled together, pushing both arms to her chest- I couldn't see them, though.

Just watching her cry made me want to kill someone.

I longed so badly just to jump through the windows between us, to gather her up in my arms and cradle her and comfort her and to just be the one who makes everything alright.

I can't though.

I'll just upset her even more- she thinks I don't care.

She wants me to stay away!

Andrews, we both know you can't do that, you douchebag.

I wanted to help her. But trying to help her would just make it even worse.

Just watching her made my heart break.

I had to look away, before she caught me staring, before I would be the cause for her to be even more upset.

So, with a heavy heart and burning eyes, I did.

----------------------------------------------------------------

NOELLE'S POV:

I woke up, hours later, still lying on my bed with my wrist that had stopped bleeding. My body feeling numb, I got up and bandaged my wrist carefully, ignoring the sharp sting that I felt when the fabric touched the wounds.

I felt horrible.

Just as I had finished up, the doorbell rang, the sound piercing the dense air. I waited a few moments, maybe for Mom to get it, but she didn't and the bell rang again.

I concluded that she still wasn't home and went down to check on the door myself. Finally, I opened the oak door, only to be greeted by a pile of books on the floor, varying in sizes and colour. Frowning slightly, I bent down to read the note that had been stuck on top, words written in messy scrawl.

Hey, Noelle.

I know you're mad at me and stuff, but I made a promise, and I'm not one to break promises. And I promised to buy you these books when we left the bookstore, didn't I?

You remember that day? I think about it all the time, and it feels like it was the last moment of sanity- almost, despite what happened.

But, anyway, here you go, Noelle. Don't worry- it's all fourteen of them. ;)

Thank you.

-H xx

I couldn't help but smile a little at the package of books. He bought them all.

I leaned down to examine the pile, running my hands eagerly over the spines.

Did he-

He organised them all into alphabetical order. Just the way I like it.

I grinned, looking up at Harper's porch. He was there, staring at me. Once he realised he had been caught looking, his eyes widened and he glanced away quickly. I waited until he slid another cautious peek at me before I grinned even bigger, a sign of my gratitude. Noticing I was actually looking at him, Harper smiled back.

And somehow, it was everything.

----------------------------------------------------------

"He got you all of them?" Emma asked incredulously into the phone.

"Yeah," I replied, stroking Misha's back. "Every last one."

I winced when my wrist hit the fur, and pulled my hand away sharply.

Oblivious to my current situation, Emma sighed. "Knowing you, that's at least five, right?"

I blushed a little. "It was fourteen."

"Oh my gods."

"I know."

"What did he say?" Emma demanded.

"Nothing. He gave me a note instead. He said that he had promised to get me the books, and that he never broke promises. He also talked about how he's always thinking back to us in the bookstore- "

"He's always thinking what?" Emma shrieked. I frowned, not catching on.

"What happened?"

I could almost hear her shaking her head behind the phone. "Nothing."

I furrowed my eyebrows, but dismissed the matter, remembering my promise to myself that I would spend some more time with Emma. "Emma, I was wondering, are you free this- "

"I'm so sorry to interrupt, Noelle, but I have to go! I just remembered I have to go to study with Laura- we have to work on a project. Sorry, but I have to go! Love youuuuuuuuu!" She quickly rushed out in a stream of words. Before I could reply, she hung up.

I awkwardly pulled the phone away from my ear, feeling the slightest bit hurt.

I could have come, too.

Don't be stupid, Noelle. They're working on a project. Shut up.

Before I could continue with my train of thought and doubt myself again, my phone rang.

I glanced over at it, nestled in my hand, to see Joshua's contact blaring on the screen in bright white letters. Slightly confused, I clicked accept and held it to my ear.

"Hello?"

OMG IM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE IT HAS ACTUALLY BEEN TWO WEEKS THIS IS INSANE WHAT IS HAPPENING

I HOPE THIS WAS ENTERTAINING, GUYS :)

Isn't Harper acting like a jerk? Well, only god knows...

JK I KNOW

Thank you so much! I have been getting banners and covers and it is literally the sweetest thing ever, thank you, guys :)

In the meanwhile, go follow

noelle_richards on Instagram :)

A wonderful girl- username LeilaBayat13 made an account on insta pretending to be Noelle and IT IS MY FAVOURITE ACCOUNT EVER

Since I've had quite a few banners, I'm sorry if yours doesn't show up for dedication in this chapter, but don't worry, it will come up in the later chapters :)

Dedication: Why do you think Harper isn't letting go of Noelle?

Goals: 400 votes?

THANK YOU SO MUCH GUYS ILY ILY ILY

REMEMBER TO:

VOTE

COMMENT

FOLLOW

SHARE

- A xx