9. everything falls apart
1k of angsT lol you're all gonna hate me (but no one dies i promise).
everything came crashing down when yoongi tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists with a kitchen knife.
seokjin found him, crying, sitting in the bathtub with his clothes still on. the water was freezing cold, and blood had tainted the clearness; it was dirtied. it was tainted with the color of death and despair. his wrists were slit vertically up to his elbows, and seokjin had knelt down beside him and talked to him before bringing bogum.
bogum then contacted the hospital, begging yoongi to try to stay awake because he knew that the second he closed his eyes, there would be no return. blood poured out of his wrists dangerously, teetering on the edge of death as they dripped into the water like watercolor paints.
the ambulance came, and taehyung only watched it leave before coming out of his room. he had briefly heard seokjin scream upon walking into the bathroom, and he had then went downstairs only to witness yoongi bleeding out to death in the bathtub as seokjin murmured soft words to him. taehyung had went right back upstairs, stomach churning after seeing someone he loved so dearly so close to death.
he went back to the bathroom when the ambulance left.
the kitchen knife sat on the floor, daunting and smeared with blood. it looked so dangerous, so deadly. blood was on the floor in puddles. they looked like flowers, uneven on the edges and brightly colored.
the bathtub was filled with a mixture of water and blood. yoongi's blood, taehyung remembered. it looked horrifying, like a murder scene straight from a movie.
taehyung suddenly gagged, bile rising up in his throat. he rushed to the toilet, kneeling and throwing up the dinner he had eaten. he lurched violently, the incident not being as a result of his own but rather something different; it was as result of something else, and it didn't come with the control taehyung needed. he threw up until his stomach was empty and leaned backwards against the wall, surrounded by blood and the overwhelming smell of death.
"taehyung?"
jimin came padding into the bathroom, slightly grimacing at the smell of vomit but nonetheless sitting down beside taehyung.
"did you do it on purpose?"
taehyung murmured a soft "no," completely miserable.
"yoongi?"
silence followed for a moment.
and then taehyung felt tears spring to his eyes.
he had managed to hold them back when he saw yoongi dying. he had held them back when he had thrown up. he had held them back for as long as he could before the reality of possibly losing yoongi hit him.
he sobbed out loud as if there was no tomorrow.
immediately, small but strong arms wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him close, allowing him to cry into the soft fabric of jimin's shirt. he felt himself start shaking as the anxiety of everything came tumbling from his facade of false stability.
"what if he dies?" taehyung asked through sobs. "what if... what if he dies and i never got to help him?"
"you're blaming yourself," jimin said. "don't do that. he'll be alright."
taehyung leaned further into jimin's embrace.
"when i die... there's a little box under my bed. can you bury that here? that way, the tree won't be alone anymore."
"when you die? you're going to die?"
"soon."
"you want to be free, yeah?"
"yeah."
* * *
taehyung woke up the next morning and ambled into the kitchen. at the table sat seokjin, jimin, and jungkook. no one else.
"where is everyone?" taehyung asked.
"they ate breakfast and went back to their rooms right away," seokjin said. "it's... it's hard."
"yeah."
taehyung sat down, looking at the food on the table but not bothering to touch it as conversation continued. he had his knees pulled up to his chest and looked smaller than ever, hair messy and eyes tired.
"you're not going to eat?" jungkook asked.
taehyung knew what he was thinking.
he had been eating breakfast everyday for the past week, and he had usually eaten lunch. he had even managed dinner sometimes.
so why wasn't he eating now?
"i don't have an appetite."
it was true, but there was more to it.
jungkook didn't question it.
* * *
journal entry 302
yoongi tried to kill himself.
bogum said he woke up this morning and tried pulling the stitches from his arms right away. he said it's going to take a while before yoongi's stable enough to come here for treatment again. i hope he comes back before i die, at least.
i couldn't eat anything today. hopefully it's because of what happened and not a relapse. i don't want a relapse.
i'm scared. yoongi was so close; he was dying when i saw him, and i think he's still dying. he's dying emotionally, mentally. in a way, i'm glad he woke up, but i'm also not. he wanted to die, and he still wants to die. life hurts too much sometimes, and i think he really wanted to get away from that this time.
i hope he's okay.
-taehyung
* * *
taehyung sat in bed feeling absolutely horrible.
he had been unable to eat anything except for an apple that day. the lights were off and the room was dark; a feeling of solitude and sadness nearly engulfed him in silence. he could still see the pool of blood and the bloody knife. he could still smell it: the despair, the desperate cries, the death. he could still see the cuts etched into yoongi's pale wrists, and the scars tattooed onto namjoon's wrists.
jimin and jungkook were fast asleep.
taehyung pulled his knees closer to himself, feeling warm tears trickle down his cheeks. he thought yoongi had been getting better; hell, he thought he himself had been getting better. why was everything falling apart already?
his hands travelled to his torso. his ribs were still prominent; not quite as much as before, but still there. maybe... just maybe he could lose a bit of the weight he had gained? it wouldn't hurt, would it?
he wrapped his hand around his arm, right below his shoulder.
one inch.
one goddamn inch off of his arms and he would be able to wrap his hands all the way around.
i have it all under control, taehyung thought. i have it under control.
he said it out loud too.
"i have it under control. it's okay, because it's under control."
a/n:
i made myself a new playlist and i loVe new playlists lol. im a loser soz. im listening to it as i write this right now hahA.
i have three tests next week so ive been stressed and tired but after that it's february breaK so yaY.
in general, things have been okay lately: not perfect, but okay.
i'm gonna keep it brief today lol - thanks for reading & see you with the next update ;)
Bạn đang đọc truyện trên: AzTruyen.Top