taehyung timidly took a seat at the table, eyes scanning over the six other boys who seemed to pay no attention to him.

the chair squeaked and taehyung tried to shrink into himself and hide from the gazes that were now focused on him.

"taehyung's here!" namjoon said. "he's new, guys."

"what are you here for?" a boy asked, taking a sip of water. he had pink hair with brown roots that peeked out, and taehyung assumed that he was probably yoongi. "i'm yoongi. depression and anxiety."

he spoke so nonchalantly, as if his problems didn't matter. taehyung wasn't sure if it was funny or sad. maybe both.

"anorexia," taehyung said. "i could tell you were yoongi. jimin and jungkook told me about you. how you dyed your hair bright pink and bogum turned bright red."

yoongi laughed. "yeah. it was funny until he took away my laptop."

another boy at the table with blonde hair sat with a plate full of food and taehyung wondered to himself how he was able to eat so easily.

"it got especially funny after he took away your laptop," the boy said. "you pouted for a straight four hours."

"and called bogum a sick fuck, like, twelve times straight," jimin added.

the boy with blonde hair then looked to taehyung. "hey. i'm seokjin."

taehyung smiled in response.

"you should try eating a little," jimin said, eyeing taehyung's empty plate. "if you put on some weight, bogum might let you have your phone back."

taehyung tried to smile, responding timidly. "not feeling up to it today. i'll try tomorrow."

jimin seemed to nod with understanding as he started eating. he watched the boy take a spoonful of soup and a fork of pasta and put it into his mouth. taehyung's stomach churned just watching.

"so, taehyung. what do you like to do?" namjoon asked.

"oh. nothing really," taehyung replied. "is there anything to do around here?"

"there's a room where namjoon and yoongi make their music; they begged bogum to ask the doctor to make one. they let us join in and listen," jimin said.

"there's a plaza just about a mile from here. it's nice cause there's so many places to go," seokjin added.

taehyung nodded silently, eyes traveling to his bare plate as he heard the bitter rumble of his stomach. he pressed on it to ease the hunger gnawing at him and ran a finger over his ribs. his bones always made him feel powerful.

"what happens if you go up the road?"

taehyung brought his timid gaze back up to face the other boys at the table.

"we've never went down there; maybe we can all go together when we all have longer outside privileges," hoseok said.

taehyung smiled gently and looked back down at his plate.

* * *

taehyung learned the tricks quickly.

if he stuffed a few coins into his pocket and wore bulkier clothes, his weight rose. bogum would smile at him, oblivious to the fact that the extra kilogram was only small household objects shoved into pockets and waistbands. taehyung felt guilty, weighing himself later that night when he was alone and relishing in the joy of having lost weight since he had come to the treatment home.

thoughts like these clouded taehyung's mind, even as he sat on the front porch with jimin, looking at the stars.

"hey, taehyung?"

"yeah?"

"what's your life like?"

taehyung cocked his head.

"like, tell me about your life," jimin said. "i told you mine."

the night was so silent, but at the same time, it screamed with crashing noise. the crash filled the silence that taehyung spoke.

"i was born in 2000," he said. "i started starving myself when i was fourteen. i'm seventeen now, and i dropped out of school last year after the doctor told me that my eating disorder was going to get me killed. i ran away from my parents when i was fifteen, and i've lived with my aunt since then."

"oh? so it was your aunt that brought you here?"

"yeah. she wants me to get better, but i've already lost so much while trying to gain control... it's honestly too late." he laughed an empty laugh.

"life gets pretty fucked over sometimes."

"i can't seem to eat anymore," taehyung murmured, bitterly. "i've lost weight since i came; i'm only getting my privileges back because i'm stuffing my clothes with coins and shit."

"ah, so you know the tricks, huh?"

"might as well speed up this whole dying process, no?"

jimin smiled and shrugged, empathy evident in the way he spoke. "i was 43 kilos when i passed out while dancing. that was when they put me on a feeding tube; if you've lost weight since you were, what, 47 kilos? then you're not too far off."

"a feeding tube sounds absolutely miserable," taehyung said. "i'll make sure i die before that."

jimin laughed in response.

the beauty of being with other people like him, taehyung realized, was that he could say whatever was on his mind and not be labeled as insane. he would bitterly joke and laugh about his insecurities and chances of death, and the people he spoke to would smile and empathize in response. taehyung found that he didn't feel so alone anymore.

"wouldn't you love to be a tree?"

jimin's voice was quiet and not much more than a whisper that slipped through the sound of the breeze. his eyes were distant, vacant, filled with emptiness and empty with silence. his pale, fragile hand lay limp on his thigh, and taehyung smiled at the odd question.

"a tree?"

"yeah," jimin said. "to not have to feel things emotionally. to just breathe and make food and use it for energy and then die in the winter. wouldn't it be nice?"

"are you jealous of a fucking tree right now?"

"yes, i am."

jimin laughed. "but seriously, wouldn't it be nicer than living with only the thoughts of calories in your head? might as well not have to think shit."

"i guess you're right," taehyung said. "it's a weird point, but you've got a point."

"stop bringing me down; i'm trying to be deep."

"fake deep."

"i'll shove you into a tree."

taehyung laughed and jimin did too, and for a moment taehyung's mind wasn't so polluted with the thoughts of calories and the number on the scale.

"imagine life without a fucking eating disorder," taehyung said, bitterly. "imagine living and being content with the body you were given, and not wanting to rip yourself out of the skin you're inside."

"i would still be dancing," jimin said. "i'd be in the dance studio right now, dancing with my friends and actually having a life." he smiled. "it's amazing how much this took away from me."

"you think my parents would still be with me if i wasn't starving myself?"

taehyung swallowed, taking a quick breath as he watched jimin's eyes sadden. the breeze suddenly seemed too cold.

"if they left you because of your eating disorder, they're shitty parents," jimin said. "it's their loss, not yours, and there's no use in worrying about them."

taehyung smiled a tight lipped smile and directed his gaze back at his feet. "it'd be nice to just die. maybe death won't hurt as much as life, yeah?"

"yeah. maybe."