november 27th 2016
journal entry

when i die, i am not sinning, but rather doing what is right.

there's simply no use for me. i contribute nothing to the world.

here's what happened: the world gave me a life i never wanted. it thrust a mess of cords and plugs and strings into my hands and told me to put it all together within eighty two years; i gave up after sixteen years of trying.

i'm not sure how much longer i can try. i know i won't last past eighteen. i'll really quit then; if this mess isn't put together within eighteen years, i can't do it.

some people were given a life that was already put together, and those are the people that fulfill their eighty two years. i am one of the people who were given a life that was created a mess.

the world gave me a life that i never asked for, an awful one at that.

when i die, i am not sinning, nor am i taking life away from myself.

i am merely doing what is right.

dear world, when i die, i am simply returning what is rightfully yours.

please give it to someone who deserves to live.

my life was clearly not meant for me to keep.

-taehyung

* * *

taehyung reached the vast field about an hour later, and he nearly collapsed in front of the small tree in the midst of everything.

the tree was still bright green, and the field was still a dead brown. taehyung supposed that he was like the field around the tree: dead, lifeless, dried out and left to die.

he sat in the grass, curled into himself to keep warm. it wasn't particularly cold outside, but taehyung found that he felt cold anyways.

he would start heading back soon, maybe in about an hour. by then, the sun would have started to set.

he thought back to the time he had spent at the treatment home. would things have been different if he hadn't come?

he probably would have died months ago. he never would have found the support that he found there in the form of six boys and warm arms that held him whenever he felt like life was too much.

but he also never would have had to watch yoongi teeter on the edge of death, jaywalking dangerously as life drove by. he never would have had to see the blood and the reality of his suffering behind a facade of strength and stability he put up.

taehyung wrapped his hand around his arm again, suddenly feeling tears trail down his cheeks. why had things turned out this way? he had been so close to getting better, and it had all fallen apart suddenly, like dominoes going down one after another. quickly, he wiped away the tears and hugged his knees again. it was silent in the field, the wind whispering into his ears words of comfort and security.

he wondered where the others were; they probably noticed that he was gone. he hoped they wouldn't come to find him. he didn't want them to see him like this, dying and falling into shards of glass as the seconds passed.

he closed his eyes, listening once again to the quiet whisper of the wind.

* * *

perhaps forty minutes later, taehyung heard a car on the side of the road.

the car stopped in the grass, and taehyung turned around.

"taehyung!"

it was yoongi.

and everyone else with him.

taehyung hadn't wanted them to come find him, but now that they were here, he found that he felt safer and instantly warmer than before.

yoongi came running to him first, nearly tackling him in a tight hug. "shit. i was so worried when they said you left; i thought i was going to fucking lose you."

taehyung hugged him back, tears instantly filling his eyes from the surprise and relief of seeing yoongi again.

"you're not going to lose me," he said. "i'm right here. i'm right here."

"you're so skinny; what have you... why would you-"

"i'm okay," taehyung said. "it's... i have it under control."

"bullshit. that's bullshit."

yoongi pulled away and sat down beside him, as did the other boys.

"why did you leave?" jimin asked.

"i wanted to... i wanted to be alone one more time before i died."

the air went cold, sinking into waves of silence. taehyung watched jungkook's eyes fill with tears, and he hated it. he hated seeing jungkook cry.

"you think you're going to die," seokjin said. "taehyung, you're not going to die."

"i know," taehyung replied. his eyes were rimmed red and he willed himself not to cry. he had already shattered in front of them too many times; he couldn't break this time. "i know now that it's really not under control. i've been lying to myself, and that's why it got so bad." he paused. "but i also know now that i'm not going to die, because you're all here and... and i know that now."

jimin cursed loudly. "fuck. you're getting too sappy; stop making me cry, you little bitch. i don't want to cry."

bogum yelled from the car, leaning against the door to the driver's seat.

"hey! get in the car," he said. "let's go back now and get something to eat."

they got up, helping taehyung to his feet as they were aware of how long he had walked with so little to eat. the sun was now starting to set, burning into the sky with bright colors and darkness simultaneously. sitting in the back of the car with yoongi, taehyung watched the sky grow darker as they drove back to the treatment home.

yoongi nudged his arm gently.

taehyung hummed in response.

"do you think you're ever going to get better?"

ah, that question.

it was a question that taehyung had heard countless times. he had heard it from doctors, from his family, from his friends... he had asked it to himself, and it had always been rhetorical. of course he wasn't going to get better; he had been fighting himself and this disorder for so long, there had seemed to be no hope, no way out of the endless cycle.

but for the first time, taehyung really thought about the answer to the question.

"do you think you're ever going to get better?"

taehyung smiled.

"yeah. i think i will," he said. "it's going to take forever, but i think i'll manage to get there in the end, as long as i have you all with me."

-end-

a/n:
sorry if the ending isn't what you wanted; i wanted it to be happy but realistic.

thank you for reading this story and keeping with it until the end! it was fun to write and i loved reading your comments.

i have a few angsty ideas for a new fanfic that i want to get started on soon.

(quick question: what ships do you guys want to see me write about?)

again, thanks for reading, & to everyone struggling: i can't say that things will necessarily get better, but i can say that i hope that they do & that i'll be here for you if you ever need to talk (just send me a private message). have a nice day/night ---

-bella