"i want to go back."

"go back where?"

"to the treatment home."

yoongi sat up straight in the bed, adamant. the doctor rubbed his temples, raising an eyebrow at yoongi.

"already?"

"it's been nearly a month, hasn't it? could i at least visit again for a day today?" he asked.

"today?"

"i really miss them. they probably miss me too, and taehyung was crying when i left," yoongi said.

the doctor sighed. he was sympathetic, but he knew what was best. "okay. just today. you can go visit them before lunch, but you need to be back later at night."

yoongi felt his heart skip a beat. "really?"

"yes, really. get ready; if you want to spend the whole day there, you need to hurry."

smiles were exchanged and the doctor left.

* * *

jimin woke up the next morning to find taehyung's bed empty, and he immediately shook jungkook awake.

"did taehyung get up early?" he asked.

jungkook sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes and blinking a few times. his hair was completely disheveled and his sleeves were rolled up, exposing thin arms with old scars.

"i don't know," he said. "taehyung never gets up early."

"exactly. so where the fuck is he?"

jimin rolled out of bed and left the room to go downstairs, and jungkook followed. he went down the stairs slowly.

he stepped into the living room and only saw seokjin passed out on the couch, wrapped up in a thick blanket. his insomnia must have hit again that night; he tended to wake up early on in the mornings and have to take his medication or drink warm water to fall asleep again.

jimin then padded into the kitchen, finding it empty.

jungkook stepped in right afterwards.

"he's not here," jungkook said. "why... where did he go?"

his brown eyes landed on a small sticky note on the refrigerator that hadn't been there the night before.

"shit. jimin, look." he gestured to it, and jimin went to read it.

his eyes scanned it slowly before he sighed and turned to jungkook. "he went on a walk. he's going to be back by nighttime."

"but that's not safe," jungkook said. "he passes out all the time; who knows when he'll faint today? he didn't even eat yesterday."

"i know," jimin murmured. "go get bogum. let's go find him."

* * *

yoongi opened the door and stepped inside slowly.

he looked into the living room to see five boys sitting on the carpet and the couches with bogum.

"i'm back," he said.

"shit, yoongi!" jimin got up and nearly shoved him to the ground, hugging him as if there was no tomorrow. "i missed you so much."

yoongi smiled fondly. "me too jimin," he said.

he sat down on an empty space on the couch next to jimin taking in everyone's faces again. the room felt familiar. he had missed this: the feeling of warmth and familiar faces of people who cared.

he looked around the room once more and realization hit, albeit slowly but at least he realized.

"where's tae?"

the atmosphere in the room was suddenly visibly tense, and yoongi felt somehow nervous and uneasy. where was taehyung?

"he's out on a walk," namjoon said. "he's been out since last night or so."

"what?"

bogum swallowed, shifting nervously. "yoongi, things haven't been the best recently," he said. "taehyung especially hasn't been doing well. he's... he's really sick right now and-"

"it's because of me." his heart dropped, head spinning like the winds of a massive hurricane. "it's because i tried to kill myself, isn't it?"

"no, it's not," bogum said. "he had a relapse. it's not your fault, please don't blame yourself-"

"don't you fucking lie to me. it's my fault and you all know it," yoongi said. silence spread through the room for a moment while they took in yoongi's words. yoongi broke it, speaking through the suffocating emptiness in the air.

"where did he say he was going?"

"we don't know. we're trying to figure it out," seokjin said.

"let's just go. let's try going down where the plaza and shit are, and if he isn't there, then we can go the other way," yoongi said. "this is dangerous. if he's unwell, he could die walking for so long."

die.

the word sounded so harsh said aloud, but he wasn't lying. they had all seen taehyung's state when he was at his worst. it felt so real.

bogum nodded slowly, hesitant. "that's... that's a good point. it's still early in the day; we have time. do you all want to come?"

* * *

taehyung stood up again, finding it in himself to walk again.

the way to the tree was taking longer than he remembered, probably because of his slow pace and the constant breaks that he needed to take in order to keep walking without fainting. his consciousness seemed to be fading in and out.

he could only imagine what he looked like: a thin, malnourished teenage boy with disheveled hair and baggy clothes stumbling down the street to the middle of nowhere. he probably looked like a runaway juvenile, either that or a madman. he technically was a runaway, though he would return if he didn't die, and he definitely was a bit mad; wouldn't starving yourself be considered insane by most people? why would anyone choose to deprive themselves of food just for... for what? beauty? control?

taehyung momentarily wondered to himself where this had all started. what had brought him here, walking on his deathbed to the middle of nowhere?

it had started with himself, his self hatred. it had then come to his parents, and then his aunt who had only meant the best for him. he really did love his aunt; perhaps he just didn't deserve to get better. maybe he wasn't destined to recover.

maybe he was meant to die at seventeen years old, starved to nothing but bones and a heart snapped in half.

his thoughts continued to wander as his feet brought him back to the lone tree that stood in stark contrast to the dead landscape around it. everything there was brown and dried to nothing except for the tree.

taehyung wanted to see it again, just once more. he wanted to see life in an array of death and hopelessness.