it had been three weeks since yoongi slit his wrists and nearly died, and taehyung was deteriorating quickly.

too quickly.

he had already lost a dangerous amount of weight, nearing 43 kilograms again and looking on the very brink of death. his cheeks looked hollow, and the other boys could only watch his shrinking frame continue to get smaller.

he had been struggling to stand recently, body so malnourished and weak that daily activities were nearly impossible.

kim taehyung was dying, and he himself seemed to be the only person who wasn't concerned about it.

it was saturday and taehyung had just had a therapy session with his therapist. the rules had been slightly altered now; taehyung had to eat at certain times and showing up at the table was no longer optional. he still refused to eat most of the time, and it seemed that he was truly trying to kill himself by whatever means he found possible.

sunlight shone through the window, illuminating taehyung's bed with a warm glow. he rolled up his sleeve to wrap his fingers around his wrist. he felt fragile, and that was all he wanted. he moved his hand up his arm.

to his surprise and (slight) horror, right below his shoulder, his fingers touched.

he must have lost even more weight. this had been his goal.

he smiled cynically, knowing that if he had reached his goal, he really must be about to die.

his skin looked ghastly pale, and his thighs were tiny. his clothes were getting larger by the day, and he was now almost always wearing multiple layers just to keep himself from shivering.

he stood up slowly, feeling his legs shake beneath him. he made it halfway down the stairs before he had to stop and sit down.

"you can't even get down the stairs anymore."

the voice came from behind him. taehyung didn't have the energy to see who it was, but he knew by the voice that it was namjoon.

namjoon came down the stairs and sat down beside him. "you're dying. are you not scared?"

"no."

he turned to face namjoon and saw nothing but pity.

"i want to die. that's why i do this," taehyung said. "that tattoo that you have... i want to be free too. and you know exactly what i mean when i say freedom."

"you're not going to wait for yoongi?"

shit.

that hurt.

taehyung asked himself, was he going to wait for yoongi?

"i don't know."

"hey, that's okay," namjoon said. "do you want me to help you down the stairs?"

taehyung nodded slowly.

namjoon smiled. "yeah. let's go."

* * *

taehyung looked in the mirror and saw the shadows of his bones.

he winced as he touched his ribs, and leaned over clutching his stomach when a sharp pain hit his gut.

hunger pains. they were numbing bit by bit, but they were still there.

he stood up straight again, now slowly eyeing the bruises that covered his body. he bruised too easily now; a small bump into the corner of a table would create a lasting array of blue constellations on and around the spot he had hit. he touched each bruise, pressing lightly just for the pain.

his legs were shaky, barely able to hold up his body. he had fainted a few times that week after standing up too fast, and the other boys were worried, terrified that one day, he would lose consciousness and never wake up.

taehyung crouched down, feeling his legs give out from beneath him. he was falling, sinking into self loathing and coming closer and closer to death every time he fell.

"taehyung? why are you still awake?"

hoseok stood in front of the bathroom, hair messy as he rubbed his eyes. his eyes widened upon the realization that taehyung was shirtless.

"i was just looking in the mirror."

his eyes filled with tears.

"fuck. you're crying," hoseok said. "what's going on?" he sat down beside him worriedly.

taehyung merely shook his head, unable to find the words to explain. his hands were shaking violently and his stomach was pulsating painfully. his entire body ached and taehyung could not stop crying.

"hey, you can talk to me," hoseok said. "i'm right here. i'm listening."

his arms were gentle.

"i hate myself," taehyung murmured. "i can't stop losing weight and i can't eat, but i don't want to stop. i don't want to eat."

i want to die.

"hoseok, everything has been going down since yoongi tried to kill himself. it isn't his fault, but i just..." taehyung bit his lip. "i was so close to losing him, and it kind of makes me want to lose myself now. i'm honestly not sure if i want to get better." his breathing was heavy. his head was spinning and his hands weren't staying still anymore; he tried to tug at strands of his own hair, barely grasping ten strands as he tried to breathe. it was like the air was being sucked straight out of him, and he was losing control.

i have it under control.

no. he didn't.

"hoseok, it's not under control," he gasped out. hoseok was panicked too; taehyung could see it in the way his eyes spoke. "god, i have nothing under control, and i'm falling. i'm falling and i'm going to die. i'm going to fucking die."

"no you're not. no you're not," hoseok murmured. he was crying too. "you're not going to die, and we're going to help you survive. you're not going to die." he pulled taehyung in for a hug. "sleep. you're exhausted. try to breathe and then sleep. i'll take you to your room once you fall asleep."

"i can't breathe," taehyung said. "i can't breathe hoseok, i can't-"

"breathe with me. listen to how i breathe and try to follow me. see? one," he inhaled. "two. one... two."

hoseok was still crying, voice trembling as he held taehyung and breathed with him. his eyes were rimmed red.

slowly taehyung began to breathe. he sat on the cold bathroom floor with hoseok, learning how to breathe again.

"see? you did it," hoseok smiled. he leaned over to see taehyung's face. "you're falling asleep already," he said. "just seeing you dozing off makes me tired."

taehyung nodded, sniffling and rubbing his eyes.

"you're too good to me," he murmured. "too good. i don't deserve you."

"no, you just need to be better to yourself. now sleep. you're forcing yourself to stay awake now."

taehyung nodded again, closing his eyes and relaxing into hoseok's touch.