**TRIGGER WARNING** Depiction of a severe depressive episode, along with brief mention of an abortion. Reader discretion is advised.

The ride home is in absolute silence, punctuated by my husband's sniffing. The radio isn't even on. I'm driving, barely keeping it together myself. Emotions like rage and sorrow keep vacillating within me, threatening to spill over at any given moment. I'm driving on complete auto-pilot back to the neighborhood, barely even aware of my surroundings. It's a surreal nightmare.

The children were left in the care of Jake. We thought it might take awhile, and the kids had a half-day that day at school. He picked them up, and they were currently at his house. As though going through this entire process wasn't bad enough, now we had to break it to our kids they were down a sibling?

I feel so foolish. I didn't know the laws. I wasn't aware this was even a remote possibility. Had I know, I wouldn't have gotten Thomas and Hazel so involved. I wouldn't have allowed myself to become so invested. I wouldn't have given my heart to the little munchkin.

I pull up to Jake's house, shut off the car, and slide the keys out. My limbs refuse to move beyond that. Jake's house has turned into a looming, ominous beast I don't want to set foot in. The way Orion hasn't moved an inch tells me he feels the same way.

"I don't want to do this," I admit to him, because I know if anyone is going to rouse us from our anguished state it's going to be me.

Orion looks at me. I wipe off the streaked eyeliner from his cheeks. Orion nods and his eyes become firm. "We have to be strong."

I look at my lap and speak quietly. "I don't wanna be strong."

The leather seat squeaks as my husband leans over and draws me into a tight hug. After about a minute I rub his back. We pull away from one another. Orion gives me the smallest smile, turns away from me and opens the door. I follow suite, a heavy sigh pushing out from my lungs.

Orion rings the doorbell. We hear the kids shouting joyously accompanied by pounding feet. Then we hear Jake screaming at the to calm down and to stop, that he'll get the door. This is a regular occurrence. It usually makes me smile. 

Moments later, Jake opens the door. The second he sees us his face falls.

"Oh fuck."

Jake hugs Orion tightly. After a moment, he hugs me. Wordlessly he then lets us in.

Running a hand through his hair, he speaks to us quietly. "Did you...wanna tell them here, or...?"

"Might as well," Orion says. When his voice cracks he clears his throat.

It goes about as well as to be expected. I was fine until my son and daughter lose it. I feel so awkward, the four of us a crying heap in the middle of Jake's expansive house. Yet at the same time I don't care.

Jake offers to cook dinner for us. He offers to let us all crash here, just so we don't have to go to a house that has a guest room filled with a bed and toys that are going to sit unused now. We politely decline; we can't hide from reality forever (though the urge to nail wooden planks over the room is strong). Jake gives us all a tearful goodbye.

We leave the car in front of Jake's place, walking back. I'm carrying Hazel in my arms as she cries into my shoulder. Orion is holding Thomas' hand. The short trip is easily the most miserable walk I've ever taken.

As we enter the house and I set Hazel down, Orion releases our son's hand, wordlessly slipping away like a ghost upstairs.

~

"God damn it," I mutter quietly, slamming a dish in the sink.

I shouldn't have done that. I know I shouldn't have done that. I look over my shoulder at the long kitchen island where my son and daughter are doing their homework. As soon as I catch their eyes they immediately snap their heads down, trying to act like they weren't staring.

But they were. They were staring, and they've been doing a lot of staring lately. Orion and I aren't alright. None of us are alright if I'm going to be completely honest.

I inhale deeply, taking up a dish towel. Drying off my hands, I call out angrily.

"Orion!"

But when I turn around he's already walking into the kitchen. He freezes, a deer in headlights.

I twist the towel in my hands. "I thought you said you were going to do the God damn dishes--"

"Kids," Orion cuts me off, "go play in the backyard."

"But we're doing homework--" sweet Hazel tries to protest.

"Now!"

As soon as the door slams shut I turn on him. "Don't fucking scream at her!"

"Oh, since when do you fucking care about screaming? I think fucking China heard you scream my name just now!"

"Because, what is this?" I ask, my voice unusually high. I gesture at the sink full of dishes. "What the fuck is this?"

Orion narrows his eyes and rolls up his sleeves. "I was coming down to do them."

"Oh fucking bullshit! They've sat there for four fucking days Orion--"

"Well if it bothered you that much, then you fucking do them!"

"Or gee, maybe you could be a functioning adult for once and fucking get out of bed--"

"Fuck you!"

"No, Orion! This fucking shit doesn't fly anymore! It can't fucking fly anymore! We have fucking children. You can't just--fucking fall apart like this!"

"I've been depressed--"

"So then go to the fucking doctor and get your meds adjusted!"

"You act like everything is so simple for me!" he shrieks. "'Just get out of bed, Orion.' 'Just be better, Orion'. 'Just function, Orion.'."

"We've barely seen you in three weeks!" I shake my head and mutter before I really think about what I'm saying. "I don't even know why the fuck I'm with you..."

Orion looks at me, stunned. But then his face hardens. "What, you gonna divorce me now?"

"Maybe!"

Orion takes off his wedding band and flings it at my head. So I take mine off and throw it at him. Then I scream at him some more.

"You're so God damn fucking selfish! We all are suffering over Nicholas! And you would know that if you fucking came out of your room ever--"

"You really want the kids to see me mid-episode?"

"No! I want you to fake it for them, Orion. Be a mess, but fucking fake it for them like I'm doing!"

"Oh right, you're just so broken up--"

"Fuck you! I am! But someone has to run this household! Someone has to get the kids to school and pick them up! Someone has to do the laundry! Someone has to cook dinner and make their lunches and do the dishes--"

"Then I'll hire a fucking maid!"

"No you won't! You morally oppose that!"

"Well if it means so God damn much to you--"

I sneer. "Don't worry about me--evidently we're getting a divorce anyway, so what does it fucking matter!"

"Look," Orion says, finally lowering his voice to a shaking tenor. "I know this has been hard for all of us. And I'm sorry I haven't handled it well--"

"You haven't handled it at all!" I scream. "You just fucking holed yourself up in your room--"

"Well you try losing two children in your lifetime and tell me how it fucking affects you!" he shrieks.

I blink, very confused. I can't scream because I'm so surprised. "Two?"

"In high school I knocked up a girl and she got an abortion," he says, trying to scream but it's getting quieter and quieter as he starts to cry. "And then she killed herself."

Oh. Fuck. I walk towards him. "Orion....I didn't--I didn't know--"

Orion holds up his finger and wipes off a tear on his cheek. "So do not fucking come at me about how I shouldn't be a mess because everyone's a mess. I lost a baby once, and I'm not fucking over it, and I'm never going to be over it--" he starts screaming again. "So yeah, I'm sorry if this was a bit triggering for me, okay! I'll just fucking suck it up! You're right, I'll just fucking man up! Sorry I've been such a fucking inconvenience Tristan!"

"Orion, I'm sorry--"

"No! You don't get to fucking apologize now! Fuck you."

"We're all suffering!" I scream again. "I'm sorry you went through shit but get your head out of your God damn ass! This isn't a TV show where you're the main character and everything that happens affects you the most profoundly because you're the main character! This is real life, Orion! You don't just get it hit pause when it gets rough!"

Orion laughs and shakes his head, hands on his hips. He cranes his head back to look at the ceiling. "God, I wish right now we would've adopted Nick first--"

"You don't want us?"

I spin around. It's only for an instant, but I see Hazel's face crumple in the doorway. Then she spins around, braids flying, and slams the door shut again.

"Oh fuck," Orion says, rushing forward, but I'm already halfway out the door.

"Sweetie!" I call, running as fast as I can after my daughter.

"Fuck," Orion says behind me. He's always been really fast and he easily runs past me.

We follow her into the hedge maze but we quickly lose her. We frantically shout for her, running every which way. At one point I see a braid go flying past and we take off after it. Once we're both a hot, sweaty mess, we finally find Hazel at a dead end. We both collapse onto our knees in front of her.

Hazel is sitting on the ground. Her head is down, her arms wrapped around her knees. She's crying loudly. I reach out and stroke her hair. "Darling..."

"Hazel, I am so, so sorry," Orion says. "I didn't mean that."

"Then what did you mean?" she shrieks at us, raising her tear-stained face for a moment before putting her head back down.

"Dad and I were having a fight. I meant that I wish we could've adopted him first so he would already be here, so we didn't have to go through this."

She sniffs. Orion reaches out and strokes the other half of her hair. "You heard the wrong part, love. I wouldn't give you and Thomas up for anything. You guys are my world."

Hazel lifts her head meekly. She hiccups a few times, but it seems like she's starting to calm down. "R-really?"

"Yes, darling, I love you so much. I love you both so much." Orion looks at me and speaks sternly. "I love you all so much."

Hazel throws herself into Orion's arms. He hugs her tightly, burying his face into her shoulder. The one good thing I'll give give Orion credit for is the fact that he doesn't cry in front of the kids. He's strong for them--usually.

I sit on my rump, getting comfortable. When Hazel is done hugging him, Orion gently wipes away her tears. He kisses her nose and smiles. "Darling, I never, ever want you to think you don't belong here. You do. You belong here with Dad and I, in our home and in our hearts. That's never going to change. Got it?"

She nods. I hold my arms out to her and she hugs me fiercely. I whisper in her ear that I love her and that I'm not going anywhere. After that we tell her to run off and play, that we still had some grown up things to discuss and that we'd let her and Thomas know when it's okay to come in.

Orion and I walk back to the house without saying anything. We shut the door behind us and sit at the long island that's still filled with pencil cases, papers, and backpacks. We're directly across from one another. Orion can't look at me, looking off to the side.

"What were you actually going to say?" I ask him quietly.

He looks at me with his angry dark eyes. "I was going to say, I wish we would've tried to adopt Nick first because then when the adoption inevitably fell through, we wouldn't destroy Hazel and Thomas's lives by having them come from a broken home."

I can't help but swallow thickly. "So that's it? This is really happening? We're...done?"

Orion sighs and runs both his hands through his hair. "I don't know."

"Do you want a divorce?"

Orion looks at me and purses his lips. "Of course not. Do you?"

After a moment I shake my head.

"So now what?"

"I need you to pull your fucking weight is what," I say, still in the lower registers of my voice. "I need you to be done hiding in our room."

"Oh, suddenly it's our room again?"

Now I look off to the side. "I miss sleeping in there with you..."

"Then why did you stop?"

"I couldn't take listening to you cry yourself to sleep anymore."

Orion crosses his arms. "Speaking of running away--"

"This is hard for me, okay!" I snap at him. "I get it, you have a condition, but...Fuck, Orio! Every single time you cry it kills me. Every time I know you're not okay, it's like a fucking knife to my heart because there's not a God damn thing I can do to help you."

"You could be there!" he shouts. "Be there like you used to be, when we were first together and you just...Forced yourself on me!"

"This is a completely different situation now--" I'm getting angry again so I take a few deep breaths. I look at him evenly. "Look. I need you. Please. Can you please be there for me? The past three weeks I've felt like I don't have a partner anymore, and it sucks."

Orion looks at the ground and when he speaks it's barely above a whisper. "I didn't know you felt like that, Tris."

"Well I do. I do, I fucking do."

Orion rubs his nose and nods. "I'll make an appointment with my psychiatrist and therapist."

"Please."

Orion lifts his head and he looks near tears. He swallows loudly. "Are we--are we really getting divorced?"

I walk over to him and take him into my arms. I hug him for a very, very long time. When he starts crying, I start crying.

It's the first time I've cried since that first day of losing Nick, and it feels good to cry. As I do, Orion squeezes me tighter.

"This sucks," I manage to strangle out.

"Yeah, it does."

"I'm sorry." I kiss the top of his head. "I'm sorry for everything. This has been really hard."

"Please don't leave me."

"I won't."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

We finally release each other, wiping off our respective faces. Orion looks around himself a moment and then walks towards the sink. "I need to find my ring..."

"Yeah. I do too."

Once we both find them, we look at each other. Wordlessly we exchange the rings, and take a moment to put them on each others hands again. We then hug a final time. After that we go and collect our children so they can continue their school work, together, hand in hand.