Tests. So many fucking tests.

I wasn't in the best state of mind when I arrived at the doctor's office, then when they looked over the baby and asked us to go to the hospital, I lost it.

But no one noticed. I somehow was able to appear all calm, cool, and collected. But it was just a facade. A mask I was wearing to keep my wife from assuming the worst and losing it herself.

Assuming the worst. I assumed the worst. Ever since we came through those goddamn clear double doors that read Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, I've been assuming the worst.

And the worst made me want to fucking puke. The worst wasn't something I could comprehend. It wasn't even a fucking possibility. There was just no way in hell.

"You should go update Jackson and Harper."

Danielle's voice drew my attention and it put a pause on my inner turmoil. Jackson and Harper didn't need to be updated. I've been texting them every five minutes. But my wife knew me and she knew I needed to get out of this fucking room and go for a walk or something.

"Yeah. Okay." Rising from the chair I strode to Dani and gave her a soft kiss. "Let me know when they bring the baby back?"

"Of course. I'll call you right away."

I kept my gaze from landing on the now empty warmer. The warmer where my daughter has been poked and prodded for the last five fucking hours. The warmer with the clear sides and the pink blanket. Staring at that thing again wasn't going to help me, Danielle, or the baby.

Squeezing my eyes tight, I walked out of the room and headed towards the waiting room. As I walked down the hallway, I couldn't stop myself from wondering what was behind the closed doors of every room in this area. One by one, I passed them.

Most were quiet and I couldn't hear anything from the other side. Then there were some that weren't so quiet. I could hear mothers and fathers crying from the other side of the wall.

Fuck. This was too much. All of this was just too fucking much. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Our daughter should have a name by now and be happy and healthy. Not...this.

Suddenly a priest came into the NICU. He walked past me, offering me a single nod of understanding. He knew I wasn't here for a good reason. Unfortunately, I knew why he was here, too. And if he stepped one foot into my daughter's room, I would actually loose it. Just go batshit crazy.

When I got to the large double doors, I pushed the silver button. They opened wide, each going a different way. I didn't make it a foot into the waiting room before Jackson, Harper, and my parents came rushing up to me.

"What's going on, Ry?" Jackson asked. "Any news?"

I looked at each one of them. My dad was with me when I got the call from Dani to come here. No way was he not tagging along. Then he called my mom who arrived not long after we did.

Jackson was my first call. We were both so fucking tired of hospitals, but I needed him here for this. I needed my brother. And I expected him to bring Harper. She was his support, just like I needed Danielle. One of us wasn't complete without the other.

We also called Danielle's mom who was out of town visiting friends. She said she was coming straight here, but Danielle told her not to. She told her we would keep her in the loop, but not to cancel her trip until we knew for sure there was a reason to.

Deep down I think Danielle just didn't want her mom here because it would make this whole situation even more real for her. That was something I could definitely understand. If this got any more real for me then...well, fuck. I couldn't even go there.

"No news yet," I said flatly. Like a fucking robot or something. "Still waiting. Danielle suggested I come out here and get some air."

Harper reached out and gently placed her hand on my shoulder. "Ry, are you sure you don't want us to call the others? I know they would—"

"No. Thanks, but no. I can't have any more people here right now." I covered my face with my hands briefly. "After we get the results, we'll call them. Okay?"

The four of them nodded. I wanted to call the others as much as they did. But I just couldn't handle everyone here right now. Kinda like Danielle not being able to have her mom here, I guess.

My dad was the next to speak up. "Is there anything we can do for you and Danielle?"

"I wish. You guys are already doing everything we need." Looking at my mom, I hugged her. "I'm just glad you guys are here."

A buzzing sound came from my pocket. I didn't even need to look at it to know who it was.

"I gotta go," I said urgently, heading for the large double doors. "I'll keep you updated!"

Here we go.

***

"Biliary Atresia."

I glanced down at our baby at the same exact time Danielle squeezed my hand tightly. "What is that?" Damn my voice was scratchy.

The doctor's voice was soft and calming. Like she was delivering back fucking news. "It's where the bile flow from the liver to the gallbladder is blocked. Dark urine is a symptom. So is the jaundice and trouble sleeping."

Danielle inhaled a deep breath. "Is it...life-threatening?"

"It can be. In normal situations, we would do something called a Kasai procedure. That's where we surgically bypass the blocked ducts to prevent liver damage."

In normal situations. That was enough to tell me that we were not in a normal situation right now. Nothing about this was fucking normal.

Danielle didn't seem to catch the doctor's meaning. Or maybe she simply just refused to. "Well, is this a 'normal situation'? We need to know how to get her better. She needs to get better."

The doctor's face softened even more if that was possible. Fuck. "In your case, she's going to need a liver transplant. Now, we can put her on the transplant list immediately and see if—"

"We can donate, can't we?" I looked from Danielle back to the doctor. "I mean, we're her parents. We could be a match."

Danielle's eyes widened. "Is that true? Can we donate part of our liver?"

"Yes," the doctor replied. "Normally we prefer someone of the same age, but in the case of the liver only a small portion is needed. You both can get tested to see if you're a compatible match. But be prepared, just because you're her parents, doesn't mean you will be a match. I just don't want to mislead you."

Me and Danielle both nodded with blank expressions. Again like fucking robots. What were we supposed to say to the doctor? 'Thanks for the bad news!' Jesus. This was just getting a little too real. Way too fucking real.

"I'll leave you alone and come back to check on you in a little while."

Once the doctor was gone, Danielle's tough facade cracked. She broke down and buried her face in my chest. Wrapping my arms around her, I held her tightly.

"Shh. It's going to be okay, baby. She's going to be fine."

"You don't know that," she said through tears. "We have no idea if she...if she..."

"Don't think like that. You hear me? She's going to be fine."

She had to be fucking fine. This was my daughter. It was a little piece of me and a little piece of Danielle. She's barely lived. This was not going to be the end for her. No fucking way. Over my goddamn body.

Danielle leaned back and I wiped the tears from her face. "One of us might be a match, Dani. We can get tested right away to find out."

My wife turned towards the warmer where our baby was sleeping soundly. She was hooked up to wires and machines. And the reason she was sleeping so well was because they gave her some medicine.

Too fucking real.

"I knew this would happen," Dani said suddenly as she looked down at the baby. "I didn't know this would happen, but I knew there was something."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

She turned towards me. Her eyes were red and filled with pain. "What if this is why I couldn't pick a name for her, Ryan? On some level, I knew that something was wrong with her, and I couldn't pick a fucking name!"

I pulled her into my arms again. This time when she cried, I didn't say anything. Nothing I said would make her feel any better. Nothing I said would make me feel any better. Nothing about this was okay.

She'll have a name, I thought to myself. One way or another, she'll have a fucking name.

***

So sad! 😭 don't worry you won't have to wait long. New chapter tomorrow!

Xoxo

🖤