"You still haven't decided on a name yet?"

"Nope."

"So...what do you call her?" 

Smiling down at my beautiful daughter, I answered Lanie's question. "Mainly we just call her 'baby' for now. Ryan's been nagging me endlessly to pick a name. I keep Google searching some ideas, but haven't had any luck." 

"Well, you better pick something fast. Otherwise, she's going to grow up thinking that 'baby' is her name." 

Harper leaned forward and stroked the baby's cheek gently. "I still can't believe you and Ryan made this, D. She is absolutely perfect." 

A part of me still couldn't believe it, either. If things had went the other way a few years ago, it would be Ryan and Harper who had gotten married and eventually had a baby. If she could have a baby, of course. Suddenly awash with guilt, I handed the baby to Harper when she reached for her. 

"I'm blessed to have her. She's more amazing than I ever imagined." 

I never pictured myself as a mom before I met Ryan. I never pictured myself as a wife, either. It was crazy how you could be so sure about something, only to be completely wrong many years later.  In this case...I was glad that it had. 

"How's she been at night?" Lanie asked curiously. "It took a while before I could get little Nate on a schedule. He used to keep me up all night and all day." 

"She's not so perfect in that area, unfortunately. She cries every hour on the hour. Ryan and I try to alternate getting up with her, but when one of us gets up—"

"The other gets up," Karma finished for me. 

"Exactly. I'm just hoping she gets into a routine sooner rather than later." Looking around the room, I frowned. "Hey, Harp, where's Jackson? I thought he was coming over with you." 

Harper suddenly looked uncomfortable. "He had something to handle at the club. He told me to apologize on his behalf and he promises to come by soon." 

"Are you guys fighting again?" 

"Not at all." 

Okay...then it was something else. He was there at the hospital when the baby was born. He even came in the room to see both of us. But I haven't seen much of him since. 

A nagging feeling told me it had something to do with the little girl that Lanie was currently making funny faces at while talking to her in that baby voice. But that was ridiculous, wasn't it? I mean, why wouldn't Jackson want to be around the baby? 

Still, though. Everyone had come to see her at my place over the past couple days. Some more than others. Ryan's mom surprisingly came by once each day. Not when his dad was here, of course. But she was kind and seemed to make a connection with the baby instantly. 

My heart ached at the memory of seeing his dad with the baby, though. He actually cried the first time he stared down into her face. He told Ryan that his mom would be proud of him. Both of us were confused at first. That was until we understood that he was talking about Everly. 

Everly. That was also a choice for her name. When I offered it to Ryan, he said he appreciated it, but for some reason it didn't suit her. Besides, I'm pretty sure Mrs. Hale wouldn't approve of that name. 

"Where's Ryan?" Lanie asked suddenly. "We haven't seen a glimpse of him today."

"He went out to get some groceries. We ate everything you guys brought over." 

I was till so grateful to my friends for that. Ryan and I were starving the first night back home from the hospital. We were going to order some food before he went and checked the kitchen to see if we had anything he could whip up quickly. When time passed and he didn't return to the room, I went to check on him. 

After staying by my side for nearly twenty-four-hours, I was very aware when he wasn't close by. Not to mention I was sleep deprived and super hormonal right now. So, I laid the baby in the bassinet and went to look for him. 

Ryan had been standing in front of the fridge, holding the door open while he stared inside it. I was a little put off by it at first, then I even wondered if he'd fallen asleep standing up. He was exhausted enough. We both were. But that hadn't been the case. When I asked him what he was doing, he pointed to the inside of the fridge. 

Ryan was standing in front of the fridge with a perplexed expression on his face. 

"What are you doing," I murmured. "I was starting to wonder what happened to you when you didn't return to the room." 

"Look, D. See for yourself." 

I walked over to the fridge and peeked inside. "Oh my...who did—"

"Who do you think?" he chuckled. 

"This is too much, Ryan. We have to do something nice for them. Some kind of thank you for this." 

The fridge and freezer were filled with pre-made lasagna, spaghetti, and hamburgers. There were freshly cut fruit and other snacks as well. I also didn't miss the decaffeinated coffee on the counter. Since I was breastfeeding, I had to watch how much caffeine I consumed. 

We took advantage and ate everything our friends brought over. This was the first time Ryan left the house since getting back. Even he had a hard time leaving our daughter. I couldn't even think about leaving here without her. 

"We were happy to help," Lanie mused. "Harper was convinced you guys would have starved if we didn't stock your place." 

"We would have. I can't tell you how exhausted I am." 

There was no such thing as a sleep cycle anymore. Hell, sleep in general seemed to no longer exist. We've been taking little powernaps. Some of them no longer than ten minutes. I read about lack of sleep being a thing after giving birth, but this felt like overkill. 

"You know we don't mind helping out more," Karma said from the kitchen. "We can take turns crashing in the guest room to help with the baby so you guys can get some sleep." 

"Yeah," Lanie said, perking up instantly. "That sounds like a great idea. You guys need some rest." 

I shook my head. "I appreciate it, but we need to try to figure this thing out together. If we get desperate," more desperate, "then I won't hesitate to take you up on that offer."

It was all about independence. I never really became an independent person until after I graduated high school. I stopped relying on my parents and did everything for myself. And it always worked for me. When I wanted to move out of my parents' place, I saved up the money on my own and did it. Same with starting my business. 

Then I got married. Boy, did that make things different. My independence turned into a partnership. One that I was happy to be a part of, of course. But in the beginning, I did feel like I lost a little bit of my Independence. It took a while before I realized that even though I was married, I could still be the same girl I was. I got my Independence back.

Then I got pregnant. Everything changed when I got pregnant. You don't become a mom when you give birth. You become one as soon you pee on the stick and that little blue line appears. You're a mom from day one, and you have a whole another person to take care of. One who is going to depend on you.

When it came to raising the baby, and going through all the ups and downs, I wanted to tackle it head-on without additional support if I could. I wanted Ryan and I to find our groove on our own.

But I wasn't an idiot. If things got too overwhelming, I wasn't going to decline the support of my close friends and family. Being to sleep deprived can cause more harm than good. That wasn't something I was willing to risk.

"If you say so," Lanie mumbled.

With a roll of her eyes Harper chuckled. "You just want to play with the baby, L."

"Well, have you seen her? She is the cutest baby girl in the world! She's going to be a little heartbreaker when she gets older."

"Don't say that around her daddy," I warned. "He's already issued a no dating policy for her." 

The girls looked at me with shock. When Ryan said that I was pretty shocked myself.

Karma stammered as she said, "He can't say that!"

With eyes narrowed, Lanie crossed her arms over her chest. "Typical. Men can be so hypocritical."

"What did you say?" Harper asked me.

I shrugged one shoulder. "What could I say? I was exhausted enough already and didn't want to get into an argument. I brushed it off and decided to talk about it later. Maybe after I pick a name for her."

"Good," Lanie stated. "No way is he getting away with that."

Indeed. I envisioned a future for my daughter. A long one full of passion, love, and happiness. 

I just had to convince her over-protective daddy of that. 

***

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Hope you enjoyed this one. I have a new chapter of Heartstrings coming tomorrow!

xoxo

🖤