IVAN

"So bakit hindi mo sinundan?" Andi has been at my neck since we arrived here. Magkatabi kaming kumakain ng icedrop sa gitna ng university stage. Hindi ko magawang sipsipin ang kinakain ko dahil kanina pa niya ako binubungangaan.

"Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam. Feeling ko ayaw niyang hawakan ko siya."

Ikinuwento ko kay Andi ang nangyari noong nakaraan sa basketball court with Yuki. I left out the details about Yuki dragging me to a side of the church dahil baka kung ano ang isipin niya.

"Gosh, I really wish I was there!"

"Naiinis ka ba sa suntukang nangyari or kinikilig ka na naman sa 'min ng crush mo?"

"Can't a girl have both feelings at the same time?"

"Can a guy eat his popsicle in peace without you squirming?"

"Can a girl just be happy because her ship is sailing smoothly?"

Can a guy sink that ship before it even sails?

Inalog ko ang ulo ko bago ko pa masabi iyon. I responded something else: "Can a guy just be set up on a date with Emerald without having to draw some lewd manga panels?"

"Correction, it's Bara. And no, you can't."

"You're supposed to answer with a question, Andi."

"Can a girl—"

"No, talo ka na. I win this round. So, for your punishment—"

"Ivan, hindi ko alam na naglalaro pala tayo?"

"Hindi mo alam, your face. Ganito na tayo mula nang mga bata tayo."

It was true. We've been like that. Andi has been my classmate since grade school. Pero hindi niya alam kung saan ang totoong bahay ko. Since we were little, we would have this sort of debate whenever we had a conversation. And whoever diverts from the kind of sentence we are using, siya ang talo.

Nginusuan na lang niya ako at binalikan ang pag-ubos sa kinakain niya. "Fine, what do you want?" I gave her a module. "Para saan 'to?"

"Basahin mo ang harapan."

"Yukihero Azukawa?" Andi read.

Just mentioning his name was enough para bumalik na naman sa alaala ko ang itsura namin sa garden kahapon.

The way he stared at me behind my mask, it was as if he knew the real me.

The way he pressed on the wall while I was shirtless, it was as if he wanted me there, alone for himself.

The way he backed away when I tried to get close, but it's as if he was asking for help.

Inalog ko ulit ang ulo ko. I was imagining things again.

"Ms. Malubag wants me to hand it to him because he missed another class."

"E, bakit nga ikaw, Ivan?"

"Tanginang 'to. Quiz bee? Daming tanong. Ako kasi katabi niyan."

"If I know, nag-volunteer ka lang na ikaw na ang mag-abot, e."

Damn, this girl might really be psychic! Naalala ko na naman when I approached Ms. Malubag. Our math teacher actually asked the people at the back of the class, na laging kasama ni Yuki, but none of them stepped up. When everyone was gone after the bell rang, I offered Ms. Malubag myself to give it to Yuki.

"I knew it!" biglang sigaw ni Andi sa mukha ko. "Nag-volunteer ka nga! I can see it on your face, Ivan Boselli!"

Hindi ko pinapansin ang kaibigan ko. I was busy talking to myself habang sinusubo ang ice drop ko.

Why are you doing this, self? Why, Ivan?

Alam ko kung bakit.

Getting him in trouble outside campus was my fault. It was actually my idea for him to pretend to be the son of Dante So, which led him to getting punched in the face. Worse, after that day, lalo na siyang pinagbubulungan ng mga tao for being a fraud. When in fact, it was actually my fucking idea.

"Yes, I volunteered," I finally said to Andi.

"I knew it!"

"And here is your punishment for losing our small debate earlier." Sa sobrang dami ng iniisip ko, hindi ko napansin na stick na pala ng ice drop ang sinisipsip ko. I looked at Andi. Napatingin siya sa module. Mukha na siyang naiinis dahil sa parusang matatangap niya. "I want you to help me get to his house and hand it to him."

Her face lit up. "You call that a punishment? Deal!" Abot-tenga ang ngiti ng kaibigan ko. It was as if I mentioned something na matagal na niyang hinihintay.

***

"How the hell did you know the way to his house?" aniko kay Andi. Naglalakad kami sa gilid ng eskenita na puno ng mga nagtitinda ng street foods.

"I told you. Matagal ko na kayong shi-ni-ship."

"Anong connect noon sa address niya?"

"Crush na crush ko kasi dati 'yang si Yuki noong puro straight novels pa lang ang binabasa ko, kaya I used to follow him after school. Pero, once you read Boy's Love, there is no turning back."

"Baliw."

"So, ayun, madalas ko nang sundan ang mga leading characters ng sinusulat kong libro."

"Taragis! May libro ampotek."

"And guess what the main characters' names are?"

I really didn't like this conversation. Gusto ko na lang iligaw sa maraming tao si Andi para makalayo na sa mga delusions niya.

I kept quiet, but that never stopped her from dragging me back to her world of fiction. "You and Yuki!"

"Kaya mo ko pinapa-drawing ng mga nakahubad na lalaki sa ilalim ng lababo?"

Mabilis siyang tumango. Nakangiti pa siya habang niluluksuhan ang kanal sa tabi namin.

"Seriously, woman, what kind of materials are you reading?"

"It's for me to know and for you to draw, my friend, Ivan."

Nagulat na lang ako nang huminto kami sa tapat ng squatters area. Natulala ako sa itsura ng komunidad. Halos gawa sa yero ang lahat ng mga bahay. Hindi na halos madaanan ang eskinita tinuturo ni Andi. May mga naglalaba sa labas. Ang mga poste ay buhol-buhol ang mga kable.

But despite this chaotic neighborhood, I feel like parang iisang pamilya lang silang lahat na nakatira rito. Random people would greet each other. May nakasalubong pa nga kaming nagbibigay ng ulam sa kapitbahay niya at ang iba ay nanghihiram pa ng plantsa.

"Dito nakatira si Yuki?"

"Yep." Andi was walking in front of me as if kabisado na niya ang lugar. "May landmine, huwag mong tapakan."

"Landmine?" Then I felt something squishy under my shoes. "Tangina—"

"Shh! Huwag kang magmura rito at dayo lang tayo."

"May tae ng aso!"

"Teka, bibili ako ng tissue sa 7-Eleven!" Andi left me there habang hindi ko alam kung saan ko puwedeng ipahid ang nasa paa ko.

Out of nowhere, I felt a hand grab me. Madiin at may halong inis habang hinahatak ako palayo sa kinatatayuan ko.

"Ano ang ginagawa ninyo rito?" sabi ng pamilyar na boses ni Yuki.

Kilalang kilala ko na ang boses niya. Ang lalaking laging tumatawa sa likod ko sa classroom na madalas ay hindi ko pansinin. Ang boses niyang magpagpanggap. Kunwari ay masayahin, but deep down, I know he was hiding something.

Marahan ko siyang nilingon.

Yukihero Azukawa was only wearing a black sando. May mga mantsa sa balat niya na parang grasa. Malayong-malayo ang itsura niya na karaniwang makikita sa school. Nakasumbrero siya ng itim habang may good morning towel sa balikat niya. He was wearing stripped jeans na pumusyaw na ang kulay.

He dragged me into a corner.

May sinumulan siyang i-pump na kung anong bagay hanggang sa may lumabas na tubig.

"Amin na ang sapatos mo, lilinisin ko sa poso," he said. Nakayuko siya sa harapan ko, habang inaalis ang sapatos ko. I was left balancing myself on one foot as I was waiting for him to clean my shoe.

Nang malinis na niya ito ay marahan niyang isinuot ulit sa paa ko. When he was done, he looked up, meeting my gaze. His brows furrowed. There was a little pause between our gazes, as if we were communicating without opening our mouths.

Ano bang meron sa mga mata niyang parang laging gustong lumuha tuwing tinitingnan ako?

He stood up. He decided to be sassy instead.

"What the hell are you doing here, Boselli?"

"Oh, so we're back on a surname basis now, Azukawa?'

"Ano nga ang ginagawa mo rito?" he shouted. That was the first time I saw him like that.

So irritated.

So frustrated.

So...afraid.

Bubuksan ko na sana ang bag ko upang ibigay ang sa kanya ang module niya but the way he shouted and looked at me, medyo nakakalalaki na.

"You know what? Never mind." Isinarado ko ang bag. Wala akong inilabas na kahit ano kundi sama ng loob.

Hindi siya makasagot. Nakayuko lang siya. I could tell by the way he dodged my eyes, as if he was feeling ashamed of the way I found him.

What was getting on my nerves more was ang pabago-bagong ugali niya. Ngayon, he's back to his pitiful self. Ang Yuki na hindi ako magawang tingnan sa mata.

Tatalikod na sana ako when I saw a kid running towards Yuki.

"Kuya Yuki!"

It was a boy. Pamilyar ang itsura niya. Parang nakita ko na siya noong bata pa ako. It felt like deja vu. Umiiyak ito habang sobrang dungis. May sugat ito sa tuhod. Nagdurugo.

"Anong nangyari sa 'yo, Kite?"

Hindi sumasagot ang bata. He suddenly stopped running before reaching his brother. I think he was around five or six years old. Nakatayo lang siya sa tabi ko. Panay siya iyak habang pinupunasan ang mga mata niya.

My eyes were moving from Yuki and to his brother dahil may kakaibang nangyayari rito. His brother won't go near him.

It is as if the kid was told that he couldn't get too near his older brother too.

I looked at Yukihero Azukawa, the fragile man that he was. Nakayuko lang siya sa kapatid niya. He was staring at his brother's wound. He made fists with his hands habang tila pinipigilan ang sarili niyang hawakan ang sugat ni Kite. I just noticed now na may mga sugat sa kamay ni Yuki na hindi ko alam kung saan niya nakuha.

"Pumunta ka kay manang Alice, Kite. Patulong ka sa sugat mo—"

"Ako na," boluntaryo ko.

Inirapan ko si Yuki. Masama rin ang tingin niya sa akin habang marahan akong yumuko upang asikasuhin ang kapatid niya. I grabbed a clean hanky from my bag at itinapal sa sugat ni Kite para mapigilan ang pagdurugo. Itinali ko sa likod.

Marahan kong binuhat si Kite. He automatically leaned on my shoulder. Kusa niyang niyakap ang leeg ko habang buhat ko siya.

It's as if he has been longing for someone to carry him like that for a long time.

Humihikbi pa rin siya habang unti-unti nang humihina ang pag-iyak.

Tumalikod kami kay Yuki when I heard him speak, "Teka, saan kayo pupunta?"

"Diyan lang sa 7-Eleven, bibilhan ko ng gamot ang kapatid mo."

"Ibaba mo na si Kite. Iuuwi ko na lang—"

I glared at Yuki. My eyes were darting, and I made sure I was throwing glances at top speed para bumaon sa kokote niya na naiinis ako sa kanya.

Then I saw in his face the familiar look of the people na pinagbabalingan ko ng aking poot. His eyes widened. His eyebrows went up. He looked scared. He looked stunned.

Damn, I've never been this mad since my mother left.

Naalala ko na naman si tatay. He would often scold me for the way I looked at people. He told me one time that I represent one very wonderful quote: the eyes are the windows to the soul. Sabi niya, hindi raw ako puwedeng maglaro ng poker dahil kitang-kita lagi sa mata ko ang mga emosyon ko.

And based on the way Yukihero Azukawa looked at me, he could tell that I fucking hated him.

But I remembered something. The scent of the mango tree.

Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko. Kinagat ko ang labi ko. I swallowed every word that was about to come out of my fucking mouth dahil paniguradong masasaktan lang siya kung papagalitan ko siya dahil maging kapatid niya ay ayaw niyang hawakan.

Muli kaming tumalikod ni Kite at nagtungo sa pinakamalapit na drugstore kesa sa 7-Eleven. Alam kong sinusundan niya kami. I know he was looking at me, just as he always does, even while we're in class.

Pinapakalma ko ang sarili ko kasi may ipinangako ako sa kanya. I will no longer judge him. Not now, not ever. I made that promise to Yukihero Azukawa.