IVAN

Natatawa ako sa reakyon ng nakahubad na si Yuki.

He looks silly right now. Kilalang-kilala ko na siya kahit may takip ang mukha niya. Akala niya siguro hindi ko siya mamumukhaan. Ang hugis ng kanyang balikat. Ang gupit ng kanyang buhok. Mula sa hulma ng kanyang anino na lagi kong pinagmamasdan sa tabi ko kahit noong hindi pa kami malapit na magkaibigan, hanggang sa dulo ng nanginginig niyang tenga sa mga oras na 'to.

"Can I sit here?" tanong ko sa first year student. Nakita ko kung paano silang lahat nakangiti sa akin. Nilayuan nila ang bakanteng upuan to give me space.

"Oo nga pala". I told my self. Hindi na ako ang simpleng Ivan. Kilala na ng lahat na ako ang anak ni Dante So. Honestly, I don't like it. I've expected that people would treat me special when they found out about it, which is isang bagay na iniiwasan ko nang mahabang panahon.

Hindi ko na lang sila pinansin. Ibinaling ko ang atensyon ko kay Yukihero. Plinano ko ang lahat ng ito. I told him that I have a chemistry lab today dahil alam kong may binabalak siyang ganito.

Sa harap niya mismo ako nakaupo. I'm just a few feet away from him now. Less than two feet siguro. The distance between my head and his knee is just a few breaths away. Ang totoo niyan ay nahihiya rin ako tignan siya. I could feel my heart pumping more blood through my vessels. The increase in my blood circulation has caused my body to heat up. This has never happened before. Pinagpapawisan na ako as I slowly inch closer to him. Hindi ko rin magawang hawakan ang paint brush ko nang maayos. Nanginginig pa ito sa aking kamay as I tried to face the canvas in front of me. Huminga ako nang malalim. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata bago ko itinapat ang mukha ko sa kanya.

The only thing he's wearing now is his mask and that bowl of fruits between his legs. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag kahit papaano. He's not totally nude. I was hoping that the first time I see him naked is after ko siyang pakasalan.

Kasal agad, Ivan? Tangina.

Inalog ko ang ulo ko. My eyes opened like gumamela flowers as I took a look at him for the first time.

Kala ko, kaya kong huwag magbigay ng kahit anong reaksyon. I planned to pretend that I don't know him pagpasok ko sa kuwartong ito. But he looks so enchanted. I'm like looking at a legendary warrior sculpted from the purest of gold.

"You look a-amazing," mga salitang hindi ko napigilang lumabas sa bibig ko.

Parehong namula ang mga balat namin. I saw how his ears turned red, and I knew he was blushing behind his mask. Napayuko naman ako para hindi niya makita ang kulay-mansanas kong pinsgi.

Patapos na ang mga kasama ko. I only have 30 minutes left to paint him for this class. I'm not supposed to be here, but my long absence from school tasked me with getting extra subjects to make up for my missing units.

Pumasok  si Miss Dee. Binati ko siya. There were only 15 minutes left. Tapos na ang iba sa amin when suddenly, a few of the students noticed how fast my hands moved. They decided to watch me work since most of them are already done.

"Teka lang, kararating niya lang bakit parang patapos na agad siya?" sabi noong isa.

"Dude! He's so good, kuhang-kuha niya iyong legs ng model at 'yong dibdib." Another one kept looking at Yuki, then back to my work to compare the two.

"He's not even looking at the model, pare!" bulalas naman ng isa sa likod ko.

"I don't need to," bulong ko. Hindi na ko nagpaliwanag pa.I just need one glance at him to immortalize his godly silhouette in my head.

Sapat na ang isang iglap para gawan ko ng masterpiece si Yukihero Azukawa.

The time to draw him was done, and he immediately ran towards the dresser, habang tinatakpan ang harapan niya. Doon siya nagtago while waiting for us to leave. While he was there, sinimulan nang bigyan ng score ni Miss Dee and mga gawa namin. Pinagkakaguluhan nila ang likha ko at hindi ko na pinansin ang markang nakuha ko. Hindi naman importante sa akin ang score na 100 na isinulat ni Miss Dee sa taas ng drawing ko, dahil ang atensyon ko ay nakadikit sa dresser na pinasukan ni Yukihero.

Pinasa na namin ang mga gawa namin. Nagpaiwan akong saglit. Hinintay kong makalabas ang mga estudyante bago ko nilapitan ang teacher.

"Miss Dee, do you still need these?" I pointed at the drawings we just did. "Hihingiin ko po sana."

"Sige lang Mr. Boselli. Nabigyan ko naman na ng grade. Need ko lang ilagay sa notebook ko then—"

Hindi ko na siya pinatapos. I immediately grabbed the nearest piece of paper and wrote down the students' names and the grades that they got. I was flipping through the drawings, and in just five minutes, I was done.

"Ayos na ho ba ito?"

"Ayos naman hijo. Sige mauna na ako."

She finally left.

I sat down in the chair nearest to the door. Nakaharap ako sa labas. The light from the setting sun has turned the entire room into sepia. Nagtatago pa rin siya sa dresser. In my hand is the rolled up paper of the sketches we did for this class.

I heard the familiar sound of his belt clanging from inside the dresser.

"Wala nang tao. You can come out when you're done, Yukihero."

I heard him unzip the dresser's curtain. Narinig ko ang pamilyar na hampas ng lumang takong ng sapatos niya sa tiles ng classroom. I felt him sigh behind me.

"Akala ko ba may chemistry lab class ka, Ivan?"

Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa mga papel. Pero hindi ko pa rin siya magawang tignan.

"Puwede mo ba akong samahan?" I asked. Marahan akong tumayo. I was waiting for him to respond; dahil alam kong nahihiya pa rin siya dahil sa mga nangyari kanina; me seeing him almost naked; me being in a room filled with people who drew the very figure of the person I like.

Nakayuko lang siya sa mga oras na ito. Nahihiya siguro siya na ang isang taong mahal na mahal siya ay nakikihati sa paghanga sa halos walang saplot niyang pagkatao kanina.

"Tara inom tayo, Yuki," mas malakas na sabi ko.

***

We took Rohan's car. Kaming dalawa ang nakaupo sa likod habang si Rohan ang nagmamaneho. Iniwan namin si Greg sa school dahil hindi maganda ang mood ko at baka siya ang mapagbalingan ko. Hindi kami nagpapansinan ni Yuki sa loob ng kotse. Alam kong nakalingon lang siya sa akin sa buong byahe namin. I could feel his concern in the air. I could almost hear every time he swallowed the lump in his throat as I squeezed the papers in my hand.

Ilang oras pa ay hininto na ni Rohan ang sasakyan.

I immediately went down without waiting for Rohan to open the door for me. Yukihero quickly followed. Naamoy ko agad ang maalat na hangin. Nakatayo kaming dalawa sa tapat ng isang malaking bahay. Pinaharurot ni Rohan agad ang sasakyan paalis sa likod namin.

"Nasaan tayo?" tanong ni Yuki.

"Bagtangas, rest house ng aso ko."

"Rest house? Aso? Ganito kalaki?" Sa tono niya, mukhang hindi na siya naiilang.

"I'm just kidding. Kanina ka pa kasi seryoso."

He smiled. "Sorry, akala ko galit ka."

"Bakit naman ako magagalit, Yuki?"

"Kasi—"

"Tara, doon tayo sa dagat."

Hindi ko siya pinatapos. I made him follow me as I circled around the house hanggang sa marating namin ang private resort sa likod ng mansyon.

Malalim na ang gabi pero maliwanag ang langit. It was a full moon. Tila  nakikisama ang mga ulap na huwag sapawan ang mga tala sa gabing ito. Tanging ang liwanag lang mula sa mga nuwan at bituin ang gabay namin sa dalampasigan. Sa gitna ng beach ay may malaking basurahan na gawa sa malaking drum na lata. I slowly approached it. Yuki politely followed.

"May lighter ka ba?" tanong ko.

May inabot siya sakin. Lighter ni Greg. Alam kong kay Greg 'yon dahil lagi silang nag-aasaran sa classroom by stealing each other's stuff. Minsan napansin kong nilalagyan naman ni Greg ng hallowblocks ang bag ni Yuki. Ninanakaw niya siguro ang lighter para makabawi.

Binalikan ko ang papel na hawak ko. Sinindihan ko ang dulo. I wish he didn't have to do this. 'Yong paghuhubad niya sa harap ng ibang tao para may pangkain sila ni Kite. Pero kung ito na ang buhay niya, baka pwede ko pang mabago. Hindi na niya kailangang gawin ang ganito.

Pero hindi ko sinabi sa kanya ang mga bagay na iyon. I kept them all to myself. But my eyes were never good at pretending . The light from the fire lit up my face. That moment, I knew Yuki saw the tears that had been pouring down my eyes the whole time we left the car. Inihagis ko ang mga nagliliyab na papel sa latang drum na siyang nagpaliwanag sa mga putting buhangin sa gabing iyon.

"Ivan, why are you crying?"

"Nasa sitwasyon ako kasi ngayon na hindi ko makontrol, Yuki."

For the first time, after a long time, siya naman ang kusang humawak sa kamay ko. "Tara, upo tayo. Anong problema mo?"

"Ikaw," sabi ko noong makaupo na kami.

"Ako?" Kumunot ang kanyang noo.

"Oo, isa ka sa mga problema ko, Yukihero."

"Sorry—"

"No, not in a bad way."

"Ha?" Hindi ko na maipinta ang itsura niya. Nakataas ang kilay niya habang nakangiti na parang nakabusangot.

"You're a good problem."

"Good problem, meron ba noon?"

"Oo, ikaw."

"Ayusin mo nga, Ivan."

Inunat niya ang paa niya. Nagliliyab pa rin ang basurahan sa likod namin dahil may mga laman itong tuyong kahoy na nagsisilbing bonfire ng mga tumatambay dito sa beach.

"Ikaw ang problemang, solusyon sa problema ko," I said as if my breath had left my lungs.

"May problema bang nagiging solusyon?"

"Oo, ikaw. I would rather fall in love with you than marry a woman I no longer like."

Natahimik siya. Nagpatuloy ako, "But being with you would be a problem for them." I was looking at him as I said that. The fire from behind us lit his petrified face.

Then he was quiet. Niyakap niya ang tuhod niya. Itinago niya ang mukha niya sa pagitan ng kanyang mga tuhod.

"Tatay wants me to marry Emerald soon," I confessed to the wind. I pretend Yuki did not hear it.

Nakita ko kung paano takpan agad ni Yuki ang mga tenga niya. Para siyang bata. I know he doesn't wanna hear the other things I have to say, so I kept them all to myself. I find it a little cute ang painful at the same time—itong itsura ni Yuki ngayon: eyes closed, ears covered, his knee bent up to his heart. Kahit sa ganitong pamamaraan niya, kahit sa mga munti niyang kilos, sa mga galaw niyang hindi niya sadya, alam kong mahal niya ako.

He was like that for a moment. Tila hindi na niya ako pinapansin. I stood up and removed my shirt and pants. Ibinaba ko maging ang bag ko.

I immediately ran into the water and dipped all the way to my shoulders. Ibinuhos ko sa dagat ang lahat ng frustration ko. I started punching the water. I was kicking the sand below my feet. I screamed at the salty air, not caring if anyone could hear me.

"Bakit mo ba ako hindi kayang mahalin, Yukihero?!" sigaw ko sa horizon kahit alam kong nasa likod ko lamang ang taong pinapataman ko.

Sinuntok ko ulit ang dagat. I imagined that I was able to hurt it, even though I couldn't.

"Bakit ang baba ng tingin mo sa sarili mo!?" bulalas ko sa langit.

I kicked the sand more. Disturbing the waves every time it tried to become still.

"Bakit hindi rin kita kayang aminin sa buong mundo!?"

Then I saw his shadow reach the water. It means that he stood up from the sand, and his figure started to cover the fire.

Mabilis ko siyang nilingon.

Sinisimulan na niyang pulutin ang mga gamit niya at mukhang babalik na siya sa sasakyan.

Agad akong umahon. Tinakbo ko siya bago pa siya makalayo.

I grabbed his hand.

"Stay, please."

Hindi niya ako sinagot. I begged him more.

"Please, Yuki." Inikot ko sa daliri ko ang dulo ng polo niya. Isinandal ko sa dibdib niya ang basa kong noo. "Stay, please, Yukihero."

"Hay, halika nga rito." Niyaya niya ako pabalik sa puwesto namin kanina. Magkatabi ulit kami sa buhangin. Nakatitig ako sa kawalan. I felt him move. "Wear this." Hinubad niya ang polo niya at pinasuot niya sa akin. Nakasando na lang siya ngayon. Ang uniform ko kasi kanina ay nadumihan na ng buhangin.

"Paano ka?"

"May damit pa naman ako. Mas mahirap kapag sinipon ka."

I wore his polo like a blanket. Natahimik kami ng ilang minuto. Nag-aabang sino ulit ang unang magsasalita.

There were three things that made me warm that night: his shirt, the fire, and him by my side.

My mind was lost in the sea. I decided to apologize.

"Sorry, you had to see me like that."

"Like what?"

"Like a rampaging juggernaut. Going berserk. Sorry, at nakita mo pa ang tunay na kulay ko."

"Tunay na kulay?"

"Iyong kanina. Ang Ivan na galit. Ang Ivan na maraming sama ng loob. Ang Ivan na nagwawala."

"Hindi iyon ang tunay na kulay mo, Ivan."

"Ha?"

"Emosyon mo iyon. Inilabas mo lang. Ibinuhos mo sa dagat. Hindi sa iba. Mabuti kang tao, Ivan. Hindi kayang takpan ng galit mo ang mabubuting bagay na ginawa mo para sa akin."

Napatingala siya sa langit. Tila kinakausap niya ang mga tala.

"We should really not define the true colors of people based on their emotions. Normal na magkaroon ng pakiramdam. Ang hindi normal ay ang huhusgahan kita because of your vulnerability. Emotions are what we feel. They don't define us."

"Sorry if I can't control it."

I heard him sigh. Mas malakas pa kesa sa hanging amihan. "You gotta embrace it, Ivan."

Napaharap ako sa kanya. "Ha? Embrace? My attacks? My tantrums?"

"No, not those. You have to embrace your anger. You need to understand that being upset in some situations are okay."

I became quiet. For the first time someone is telling me to befriend my demons instead of running away from them.

"Your feelings are natural, but your actions are your responsibility. Sometimes, we lose control of our feelings, not because we are reacting to the situations around us, but because we don't have anyone to talk about them. Normal na magalit. Normal iyon. And if you need anyone to talk to about how you feel, I would gladly be there for you, Ivan."

I wanna take a picture of this moment in my head. His mannerisms would make my heart skyrocket. How his eyebrows move and how his pinkish lips pout whenever he would emphasize something when he talks. How his hands would wave in the air to describe something even better.

How he would constantly smile whenever he mentions my name.

Napansin niya ang itsura ko. I saw how his face turned from pink to bright ruby red.

"Teka, nakikinig ka ba?"

"I dunno." Ako naman ang may yakap sa tuhod ko. I was just facing him as I admire every movement of his pinkish lips. "Just keep talking, Yuki."

"Hindi ka naman nakikinig, e."

"No, I heard you loud and clear. Yes, I need to accept my feelings. But for someone who has lived his whole life hating the universe, that will be hard to accomplish overnight."

I was waiting for his rebuttal. Pero hindi na niya ako sinagot.

"O, why are you quiet? I need more of your mini counseling, Yukihero."

"Sorry, that's the best advice I could give you. Wala na akong maisip."

Nakatitig pa rin ako sa kanya. I felt a strong wind pass over our heads. Ginulo ng hangin ang buhok niya. I raised my hand. I reached for the top of his head. I thumbed through it. He sheepishly smiled back at me.

"Your advice is the second best you gave me, Yuki-no-baka. The bestest best of the best and many best things you gave me is the sound of your voice. It may take a while before I can learn from what you said, Yukihero. But the sound of your voice is like a lullaby that quells the storm in my heart."

Napatingin ako sa kalawakan. Sinugurado kong nakikinig ang langit sa sasabihin ko.

"You are HIV positive. I struggle with my rage. We both have troubled lives. Two college students who harbor dark secrets just making sure they'd stay alive every day or not hurt anybody. We are just grains of sand attempting to exist in a society where prejudice, discrimination, and fault-finders abound." Nilingon ko ulit si Yuki.

Nakaharap na sa akin ang ulo niya habang nakasandal sa kanyang mga tuhod. I saw a spark coming from his eyes brighter than the shooting star that just crossed my peripheral vision. Nakatitig ako sa kanya. Hindi ko nilingon ang bulalakaw. Shooting stars are rare but seeing the happiness in his eyes could always be my last.

"In a universe where mending a broken soul requires a cosmic intervention, will we find healing from each other, Yukihero?"

I saw him swallow. I saw his eyes shiver as the fire reflected on them. I saw my reflection in his eyes, smiling, genuinely, like I always do for him. The kind of smile I'd give for Yukihero Azukawa.